FullaBella's Journal, 13 March 2014

Thursday Morning - March 13th. Yesterday I woke to find, horrors, my internet was down (and did not restore until mid afternoon, gah). So - spoiler alert - it’s been a tough couple of days with mindful eating and unconditional self love. The following is longer than usual. Read, don’t read, your choice entirely.

The overeating Monday initiated because of poor body image. I’m usually quite fine sitting and sipping coffee while someone else eats if I’m not hungry. I definitely wasn’t hungry at the pub when I ordered the hummus and chips. But I’d just caught a glimpse of my reflection in their window and I looked really FAT. Sloppy. Pudgy. Not the image I'd held of myself lately esp walking and enjoying the sun. Hate, hate, hated myself. So what did I do? I ordered food. Then I had that midnight madness for french fries but ate chili and a biscuit. Dumb.

Tuesday, after journaling, I had better resolve. ‘Today I may not be perfect, but I shall do better.’ Yet either the self hatred from Monday was lingering or who knows what else because while ATF calorically was ‘not that bad’ …. I fought the urge to eat all day. I couldn’t figure out where from where it was coming and did continual ‘gut checks’ for ‘what’s eating at me that I want to do the same.’ I was so relieved to ride to bed still center wagon plus even more pleased I did not trot back into the kitchen for a fourth repeated of midnight munching madness.

But despite that - I woke to insane hypocrisy Wednesday morning when the scale showed me a 10lb jump over night. As much as I argued ‘water weight, impossible, just a fluke’ I found myself wallowing in doubt and … sadness. Anger. Frustration. Especially when my snuggest jeans ‘did’ button but not attractively. I had the Marie Callendar of muffin-tops going on and hated it, myself and everything in my head. Spoiler alert - the scale dropped back this morning though I’ve not yet done the snug-jean test.

Historically, this next six months is the most critical for me; it’s when I start slipping little by little until first one size doesn’t fit, then the next, and then I’m back at my max weight again. I’ve reflected several times ‘what if it’s just my body chemistry and no matter what I eat, how much, etc., I merely exist in this cycle and lose, gain, lose again and regain despite my best focus? What is it in my chemistry and biology that refuses to allow me to obtain a healthy weight and maintain it for the rest of my life? Just like the tip of my thumb that regrows no matter how many times I slice it off cooking… what if I’m just MEANT to swing between 150lbs to 300lbs and maintaining a truly healthy weight for the rest of my life is just … an impossible dream. Life’s little joke on me.

One of the conversations going on in my head as I pushed bottle after bottle of water through my body hoping to flush out any residual sodium based scale demons was wondering if it was emotional baggage weight from Tuesday. What if I was really hungry, was my body really asking for food, and I was fighting it by denying it? Was the overnight gain my body shielding itself because I wasn’t taking care?

An image of my Mother haunted me. She’s passed now but she was .. you know, I don’t really know ‘what’ she was. It’s easy to label she was an alcoholic but sometimes I just think she was an obsessive compulsive, like me. We had an estranged relationship so I never broached this topic with her. Alcohol was just her ‘go to drug’ where I have managed to elevate my obsessive behavior into a wider range of choices that can get out of hand: food, shopping, gambling, work, etc.

Regardless, when she was ‘trying to be sober’ she was the icon of ‘dry drunk’ - the person trying to not drink but not wanting to do the work to try to heal. Clenched jaw matching clenched fists and a look in her eyes that read ‘I’m 5 seconds away from complete madness’. That’s the way I felt Tuesday. Like a ‘dry drunk’.

And when I saw that scale Wednesday I thought ‘WWSD?” (What would she do?) Well, of course, she’d drink. Justifying it with ‘what’s the point?’ So I did the same. I drank. About a gallon. Of water. (psych!)

I even decided to track my food a while. Another way of facing the truth. I compare this to how she’d say “I only had a couple of drinks” and that consisted of, sure, a couple of ‘drinks’. It’s all in the measurement. A fifth of whiskey drank in ‘two drinks’. No wonder I’m the queen of rationalization; I learned it from her. That’s like me saying, “I only had a scoop of ice cream and one slice of cake ” but failing to qualify I used a garden shovel and a hacksaw for utensils.

I realize tracking my food may reawaken some bad obsessions - like extreme math trying to justify the weight loss with a negative CICO number and being frustrated. But I’m not ready to give up and drink the milkshakes just yet. I’m revisiting some of the older tools as I continue to check my structure for weaknesses.

And that’s probably why I’ve approached this time, this journey, with the constant mantra of ‘one day, one bite, one breath at a time’. I was ‘the dry drunk’ in my past weight losses. Recalling the memory of me during the weight loss in my 40’s, standing in the kitchen, heart racing from the phenteramine plus every other caffeine laden ‘green tea pill, fat burner, dexawhatever’ I could buy OTC to enhance the RX, my own fists clenched and arms wrapped so tight around myself all I could hear was my heart racing and the roar of blood pumping in my head. I know from the outside I looked off the charts insane because eventually Cutty’s voice would cut through that ‘raging roar’ in my head asking, ‘are you okay?’

This may seem old hat, a repeat of so many things I’ve written in the past but reinforcing ‘good habits’ for me takes just as much work, if not more, than than breaking old bad habits. This journaling has been my path to seeing my own ‘insanity’ in print and breaking down the weaker links.

I remember a monologue from the movie ‘28 days’ I'd get that feeling and you all know what that feeling is; when your skin is screaming and your hands are shaking and your stomach feels like it wants to jump through your throat. And you know that if anyone had a clue how wrong it felt to be sober, they wouldn't dream of asking you to stay that way. That’s how I felt Tuesday. And Wednesday I felt as if I were whistling in the dark as the mental image of myself seemed back at 300lbs. I felt like this was all some court appointed attendance at a process I didn't trust.

Although I’ve had my past experiences with too much drinking (how much is too much?) I don’t feel I have an issue with it anymore. I can take it or leave it but with FOOD I still have fist gripping days that follow the old line of ‘one would be too any and a thousand wouldn’t be enough’.

I remember my Mother said she went to AA once and it made her want to drink more than ever, hence why she didn’t return. I can watch movies about drug and alcohol addiction and they inspire me to think about compulsions, learn the lingo (enabling, codependent, etc) and translate the tools and serenity to food. But let me watch a movie about obesity and I am reaching for anything I can shove in my mouth. Hide the dog. They don’t serve that ‘after school special’ of reinforcement; I find myself wanting to grab a sleeping bag and camp in front of the fridge.

What is that about?? What happened to me that ‘bulimia’ seemed stronger than ‘moderation?’ I knock wood, my head, whatever is available that I’ve not used that disorder, nor the drugs, RX or OTC, nor any disordered eating this time. And most days I feel very good, happy, and confident about the choices I make

But if one freaky day on the scale can shake my faith … it also shakes my confidence. I felt like every fiber of my philosophy and WOE was a house of cards.

Is it that the exploration of very thing I struggle with the most just gets too close for comfort? Has all this the past year been just another distraction? Am I doomed to fall off the wagon back into the grease pit and regain the excess weight with french fries? What the hell is going on?

So, that’s what’s going on with me the past few days in relation to ATF. Borrowing every tool I can from all of my friends here. And praying one moment, one bite at a time to continue to make good choices and have good results returned.

Bella


Diet Calendar Entries for 13 March 2014:
1155 kcal Fat: 78.00g | Prot: 74.77g | Carb: 40.51g.   Breakfast: Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, Coffee-Mate Sugar Free Hazelnut Liquid Coffee Creamer. Dinner: Balsamic Vinegar, Chopped Celery, Chicken Thigh, Tomatoes, Cucumber (with Peel), Iceberg Lettuce (Includes Crisphead Types), Radishes. more...
1800 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
Hello love. You need to remind yourself that the majority of us struggle with poor self image days. Some days I'm hot s##t, other days I'm a chunky pile of s##t. I also struggle with the 'just give up' demon. "You've never succeeded before, what makes you think you will this time??" It's important to remember that this is not a pass or fail journey. Just because you regained weight in the past doesn't mean you will this time, it was a choice that you made then and you can choose not to now. Every day, every bite we choose. You need to remember who the real enemy is, and it's not the food. It's the negative self talk, the negative thoughts, don't be your own worst enemy anymore. Tracking your food is a great idea, but don't let it consume you. This is your life, Bella, weight loss should not be center stage. The number on the scale is such a small part of who you are as a human being, it is a shame that we give it so much power over us. I can relate, I do it too. Don't let this shake your confidence, you have made it this far, you'll make it that much further. Now that you've gotten it all out on paper, now that you're not alone, put it away. Send it out into the universe, set it on fire, be done with it. I will put my negative thoughts away if you will :-) I know you have it in you. <3 
13 Mar 14 by member: Yolanda9179
You worked through this one and have helped all of us once again! You are a winner so next time you see your image in a bad light just remember that the mirrors are so wrong and what is in your head is so right! Thank you for sharing this very important journal. 
13 Mar 14 by member: Neptunebch
Whenever I feel lost, fighting a loosing battle, think I will never learn, I do two things: read the book again(EWYL,LWYE)( its well thumbed by now and I got little stickers in it to mark the pages that most impotant to me) and I go for a hunt for your journals(as you are not my buddy and for some bizarre reason I feel too shy to hit the buddy request). Keep looking Bella and you will find your answer :) 
13 Mar 14 by member: schmetterling34
Is it kismet that I just went through a very similar experience with the scale jumping up unexpectedly and the self-hate and over-eating that it induced? It really seems like our weight loss lives are running parallel to one another because we appear to have so many similarities. I think I'm one step ahead of you on the regain front, though. But, thankfully, I wrangled the horses back into the barn before they got completely away from me. I don't think we are doomed to regain it all and have to lose it over and over again but there are lessons we have to learn first. And, if I've learned anything from this past year with my slow and steady regain of some 40 lbs, it's that staying mindful and self-policing to make sure I'm not fooling myself is the pivotal piece of the puzzle, for me at least. I was so sure that I wasn't eating "that much" and that, when I made an effort at what I thought was a "diet", there was something wrong with my body and the universe that was preventing me from losing weight. But now that I've lost 14 lbs by actually tracking and counting and measuring, I have to face the fact that there wasn't anything wrong with my body. It wasn't the hormones or the shoulder injuries or the lack of gym time. It was my subconscious playing the snake charmer, me hypnotizing myself into believing it was out of my hands. That's why I am truly convinced that we need a support group like this and we need to maintain a presence, whether we are having success or not. Journaling is the lifeline that our thinner selves can hold on to while we struggle through our issues. It's what gives me hope.  
13 Mar 14 by member: evelyn64
I could have been the writer of your post today; it hits so close to home. It's a never ending head struggle for most of us. I thank God every day for finding FS online. This site has helped me so much. YOU are NOT alone, Bella. We all are here for you. What each of us need is the emotional support we get here. Take a deep breath and then do it again. You will be successful this time because you are being so mindful of what you are doing and the triggers for it. Life's a cha-cha, back and forth. Just keep trying. Onward my special friend! Onward.  
13 Mar 14 by member: kclab
Bella - grief is a funny thing...it takes many forms. I crashed last summer after my nephew died and tried to self-soothe with food. It did not help. I gained 20 pounds. Be present and allow the feelings to emerge - then continue the massage, walks, etc. to feel better. We all love you. 
13 Mar 14 by member: HCB
My sweet Angel, this too shall pass! You have come so far & made such progress as we find our way together to our new approach of mindful eating. It is different than any other WOE we've tried in the past. It's not a quick fix, and I know you know as I do that we can live healthfully & at a good weight if we continue to strive to live & eat mindfully. I absolutely hear you though about the body image & number on the scale issues. I suffer from them both too, but am trying to remember that just as I have a disordered eating voice that still wants to try to shout at me, I have a poor body image voice and a scale voice. I think the key is to keep reminding myself that they are all long standing habits that our mindful self-care voice is working to replace. It just takes time to re-wire those brain patterns. But, we can do it, my wonderful friend… and I know we will! xoxox 
13 Mar 14 by member: Ruhu
I'm a yo-yo dieter too and I wonder that too sometimes - will I gain all of the weight back like the other times? I don't think so, but the thought scares me and so I'm careful not to do the things that led me back again. Do you weigh yourself daily? If so, you wouldn't have seen that 10 lb fluctuation if it wasn't your weekly weigh-in day. So you might want to consider only weighing weekly. Especially since weighing daily can bring out the compulsive person in us all. My best advice is to clench your fists - like a "dry drunk" - until this emotional time passes (and it WILL pass), then you won't gain the weight back. It will be difficult temporarily, but you can journal about it here to gain support during the tough time. Hang in there. You'll be okay. :) 
13 Mar 14 by member: ChristyLA
Just because we've done something before, like bouncing back to a much higher weight, doesn't mean we are doomed to repeat it. We choose to go forward, making our own history each and every day. I seriously admire your honesty about these last few days! Keep up the positive self-talk!!!! 
13 Mar 14 by member: Sandy701
"Body confidence doesn't come from trying to achieve the perfect body. It comes from embracing the one you have." So you didn't like what you saw in a window reflection? Isn't that like taking a walk and thinking. OMG my shadow looks fat! Honey.. you're stronger than alot of women. You've said so yourself when you helped load boxes for two men. You've got a body you've taken care of eating right, doing yoga, walking, etc. There is a challenge right now from one of the founders of girls gone strong (great website) called the 28 day love yourself challenge. I'll send you a link. I've been thinking about joining because well.. I can no longer see my feet. If I can love my body which is slowly turning into a houseboat then you can too.  
13 Mar 14 by member: DairyFarmersWife
It's hard to break a life-long habit of self-loathing, but like any habit we have to consciously break the tendencies. I went to the doctor's yesterday for a routine lady business check-up (horrible!),and then the lady doctor says I should have a full routine check up...okay, so now I had to get completely naked and jeez, did the body issues come up! I don't like anybody seeing me naked (not even my husband), so I went through a big mental challenge to not totally beat myself up. I know rationally she is a doctor and all, but it's just so hard when you are so use to hiding yourself. Anyhow, I think the vast majority of us on FS have body image issues, but I know you are mentally strong enough to not allow that body image trigger to put you back on the road to weight-gain. Bella, your body was not meant to carry around 300 lbs and it's not hormones or your specific body chemistry...when we eat too much we gain weight. Now, we're not all meant to be skinny, but we're certainly not designed to carry an extra 100 lbs either. The last couple of days having been tough, but I believe you will listen to that voice of calm and reason and stop entertaining those destructive thoughts. Take care!  
13 Mar 14 by member: Josie Ann
Just like other have stated this is an incredibly relatable journal. I could never write so eloquently but word for word your post was an expression of my thoughts and feelings. I just came back from the edge and you, Bella, helped me face whatever I was dealing with just a few days ago. So, I know you know that this is a moment and that it will pass. Don’t let the fear of you regaining to 300lbs be your worry. You are too strong, have an unending arsenal to knowledge at your disposal and so much love and support from your FS buddies that that thought should never enter your mind. When I had my break from reality I knew that most of my poor self image and weight gain was coming from me not being honest with myself. I ignored portions and stopped factoring in that eating a treat every once in a while is far different from an everyday (sometimes 2 x a day) ritual of food abuse. I had to post my weight. I had to accept what damage I had done. I had to face reality. If I continued to ignore the signs of not being in control, I would be trying to figure out how I got back to ground zero. So facing reality was my post this week and what pulled me through it was support from FS and a little discipline from me and now I am conscious again. I am conscious today anyway, at this exact moment, and hopefully tomorrow too. Much love and support to you. Be well and let’s start again today.  
13 Mar 14 by member: ChicaLean
Bella I'm not sure I have anything new to add to the above comments but I wanted you to know I relate to almost every word. I too have been up as high as 300 (or more, who knows, I stayed away from the scale). I too have done a number of very unhealthy "diets" and tremor in horror to even think of how much money I've spent over the years in "diet" tricks. In the past five years, since I've been on fatsecret is the healthiest I've ever been, and still I crept back up ... Not to 300 thankfully but too close for my comfort. I call it my food coma. I'm glad you wrote this. I read every word. I'm right there with you. Keep writing. You are NOT meant to be victim.  
13 Mar 14 by member: madaboutmoose
Kind of had the same thoughts as HCB... You may not be done grieving the loss of Cutty. Strange question, but any ashes left? If so, maybe time to spread a little love at the lake, in your flower beds and around a tree. 
13 Mar 14 by member: ClassicRocker
Those voices inside are so persuasive and familiar....and after the fact its amazing the lies we ll believe. Yes you can eat just one chip Sharon but two is an even number....love your journal and feel fortunate you choose to share hour life here.  
14 Mar 14 by member: sharonfriz
All I can say is thank you for sharing. Just your journals and your fearlessness at expressing yourself helps. It helps you, it helps me and for this I THANK YOU. Fondly, your buddy. 
15 Mar 14 by member: Lynn1958

     
 

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