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24 February 2015
Finally recovered a bit physically to get back to journaling. The vendor event went well - it was a trade show of my profession but rather than setting up in it to show & sell I just organized it for other vendors. Weather was a little challenging early but we still had over 200 people thru the door in the first 4 hours so the vendors were quite happy and requested I organize another. It is now scheduled for August.
All things food Saturday? Not the best quality but not so bad quantity. Pizza and donuts. Sigh. Moving on. I like to think I did some damage control physically with the setting up & breaking down of tables and chairs, being on my feet all day and getting a lot of steps in Fri & Sat.
And as for the soap opera going on in my life I’m beginning to wonder if Harley and I are finished. It’s becoming glaringly obvious he has no interest in my profession - which is fine with me - but displays complete contempt for it. To quote him Saturday eve: “The weather was gorgeous this afternoon; all I could think was ‘we should be together, riding the Harley, enjoying the outdoors, anything, but you were at your F’g Trade Show’.
However, while that didn’t set so well with me it wasn’t so much the catalyst as his complete lack of contact since I came home Sunday eve. He wanted me to stay the night but I was concerned of getting iced in away from home. While that sounds cozy and romantic, it just wasn’t wise. I had to think about power outages and my backup security alarm draining and the overall safety of my business; I am responsible and needed to be here.
The emotion I cannot deny though is despite pouring rain and minimal visibility as I left his home and began my drive home I felt more relief at the idea of returning home than ‘driving tension’ being on the road.
Not a word from him since I left; no contact asking if I arrived home safely. Nothing at all. I know this being modern times I could contact him but … why? If he’s not that concerned with my safety… what flame am I attempting to fan to life?
So, we shall see.
Food that night (Sunday) off the charts bad. I’d been thinking about the pint of Haagen Daz cherry amaretto gelato I’d left in his freezer and how good it would feel on my churning aching stomach and the plan to stop and pick up one for home somehow morphed into a Whataburger takeout window drive thru retrieving a cheeseburger, fries and a vanilla shake. Emotional eating. Sabotage eating. Self Abuse Eating. Pick a label; any of them would be right.
Monday was better except for the handful of caramels while watching St. Vincent on Amazon last night.
And today begins another day to get better, be better, try harder and make progress. Physical, mental, and emotional health awaits.
Make Peace with Myself
20 February 2015
Third day in a row of showing up here. I'm not as proud of yesterday as I was of Wednesday - I did eat healthy but felt like I ate too much again.
Balance, balance, oh where art thou balance?
It began with oatmeal for breakfast and I stopped halfway thru because I wasn't hungry anymore. I was proud of that but as usual, if I eat breakfast I'm hungry a few hours later. Yoga invited me to lunch - soup & salad - and I did well there with choices sans the extra corn muffin. I was uncomfortably full for a while afterward but think that was the 3rd glass of ice tea (unsweetened - whew - that had become a weird habit since meeting Harley).
Dinner - I decided to try on some new clothes I'd ordered before eating - hopefully motivate me to stay on track. I think I 'did' because it was homemade vegetable soup but it bloated me and I was uncomfortable. Or it could have been the edamame hummus and pita chips. Either way - I was uncomfortable compared to how I'd felt the day before.
For now I need to get going - I am promoting a local event this weekend and need to meet the guys bringing the tables and chairs. By Saturday night I will be fried mentally and emotionally.
Wishing you all a wonderful Friday and weekend.
Make Peace with Myself
19 February 2015
Checking in two days in a row - there may be hope for me yet. Yesterday was an 'A+' kind of day. I never felt hunger until late in the evening so I just drank water in continued effort to flush some more garbage from my system.
After my massage I phoned Harley and asked if he wanted to meet at a Seafood restaurant halfway between us; I was determined to regain my ability to order a healthy meal in public. But he'd just finished working out at the gym in the opposite direction and said 'how about a nice healthy meal at home (his house).'
When I arrived he had breaded fish steaks broiling - ok, the breaded part wasn't that great but they were small. I found some frozen mixed vegetables for a side and was busy making a fresh salad when he grabbed a bag of Fritos and began walking back into the living room.
I cleared my throat and stuck out my hand in a 'gimme motion' and said, 'Uhm... no.. if you want an appetizer before dinner I'm almost finished with the salads..' He handed me the fritos; I kissed his cheek and said 'We have to help each other, remember?' So we had a nice healthy meal. I brought him back into his dining room too; too many meals taken on the sofa lately. Time to restore some better habits.
I do agree with your comments yesterday - esp w/the danger of two people with the same addiction or weakness. I'm not going to sugar coat or rationalize it blindly. We have real issues and we have to use the same strength and determination we apply to the rest of the areas of our lives to regaining our health.
I seem to have found my 'thing' again - I can't describe it .. just a peaceful feeling of resolve .. and I am going to attempt to spiral UP with it. He is outdoorsy for hiking, biking, etc. We just need to find our balance food wise. And if he doesn't - I still will. I said no to unhealthy food with Cutty, I can do it with Harley. It begins with me.
I also agree coming here helps. As a dear friend here shared as explanation for their absence as well - I too find myself doing poorly when I don't come here and then find myself not wanting to come here because I'm doing poorly. Vicious cycle. One I intend to break by resuming my daily journal.
Oatmeal with craisins and walnuts this morning. Stopped halfway thru the serving I'd dished; no longer hungry. Here's to another day of nurturing my health and feeding my soul.
Make Peace with Myself
18 February 2015
Well, well, well. Here I am again, trying to reconnect with Fat Secret and All Things Food. I have to. I need to. I’m so far gone from healthy it’s sickening. I know I shouldn’t look backward but I have to rediscover that zest, zeal, and other z-words to rekindle the ambition for healthy.
I’ll begin with my standard weak a## excuse and justification for the day: Harley. He too needs to lose weight and talks of it constantly ... he’s even had a lap-band for over ten years. We constantly discuss our target issues and plans to correct the bad behaviour.
But it seems to stay there - all academic. I’m finally understanding like most with that procedure... or like any of us with eating disorders... he finds a way around it. Ice cream. Liquid sugar (tea, coffee)... soups... etc. His fridge is stuffed with cheese and other processed foods.
And another ‘aha’ moment I reached this weekend was listening as he voiced his ‘plans’ for some cosmetic enhancements. I know he went thru counseling when he had the lap-band; I bit my tongue on suggesting he return. Then again, that could be more of an issue for me - he may be perfectly accepting of himself and view it as the equivalent of a new suit or hairstyle. Just because *I* can't fathom the expense much less health risk and PAIN of a cosmetic procedure myself doesn't negate it's value and importance to others.
When he commented how inexpensive it would be for me to tighten up my ‘bat wings’ and the loose flesh on my stomach.. well, I bit my tongue long enough to breathe and find the ability to respond in a calm, non finger pointing manner.
“Yes, those things are possible, but just checking… you like me as I am now, right??” He said he did. Whew… because I was going to kick him to the curb if he didn’t. I’ve worked too hard to find my balance from ‘never being good enough for others’. I then went on to explain my biggest issue is accepting myself the way I am now, at any size or appearance. That my goal is to recover a healthy lifestyle, physically, mentally and emotionally. I did not say what I was thinking about 'for me that wasn’t something that could be purchased'.
So thinking about all this I’ve made some connections. One of the more prominent ‘whoops’ is that I've been eating & drinking the same as whatever he orders (‘I’ll have the same’) which is crazy stupid on my part as he's at least 12 inches taller and 70lbs heavier than me. Reflecting on that I wondered if it was because I was trying to be an uncomplicated girlfriend, if it just sounded so darn good, or if I was trying to not make waves by ordering healthier choices.
It was ironic Friday night when we went out for dinner, drinks & dancing. I matched him drink for drink and never ‘felt’ it. Was it the fried oysters and twice baked potato I’d had for dinner absorbing the bourbon and making me bulletproof to intoxication? Or was it his blood sugar issues that resulted in him displaying an obvious reaction to the liquor?
But like all weak a## excuses - time for that to cease. It's totally weak because my renewed eating disorders didn't resurface over the past five weeks (since meeting him) ... they've been rearing their ugly head for going on a year now. Wow.. where did the past year go?
Sunday I woke with a renewed sense of healthy ambition and voiced ‘I need a salad, a good old fashioned kitchen sink vegetable salad, to combat the fried everything I’ve consumed this weekend.’ That lasted about two hours (the plan) until he hit the drive thru at Braums Ice Cream.
First of all, I have found myself sliding up to those take out windows FAR too OFTEN recently for a gal who’d sworn off Fast Food. Second, instead of saying, ‘I’ll have an unsweetened tea, thank you’ I ordered.. gah .. a Brownie Fudge Sundae.
Am I blaming him? Nope. I can no more blame HIM for my eating than I could have blamed Cutty for sending me to KFC to bring him meals. OR, writing this just now, I recall standing in Braums with a half gallon each of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry because Cutty wanted it but NOT neapolitan ice cream; it just wasn’t the same. But despite how tempting the cherry amaretto ice cream appeared, I stood firm in my plans for healthy eating back then. Time to do it again.
Nope, this is me. My issues. My … whatever. It begins with me.
As I lay in bed last night forming my PLAN for recovery I first entered all of my meals for today into the food diary. I planned breakfast. I wanted to return to that phase for when I woke and ate and made good choices throughout the day. But this morning, I’m not hungry.
I am going to accept that the late night food - even though it was just a very large Gala apple, is still processing on top of the other meals I ate yesterday. They were actually not bad meals healthwise. I’d cooked homemade turnips & greens with pork jowls. The pork though was way too salty for the single pot of greens. My fingers look like sausages themselves this morning.
Plan for today - water, water, water, and …. some more water. I am going to flush the salt, lingering ice cream, and all other unhealthy remnants from my system.
Plan for the week - be stronger and more determined. I will remember that the only food and beverages that go into my mouth are by my own hands. That every place under the sun these days offers healthy choices for dining. I will rediscover that section of the menu; I know they exist.
I will take the time and make the effort. I’m worth it.
Make Peace with Myself
11 February 2015
It’s interesting how easy something can be a habit, practically a daily ritual, and then… poof… gone. I relate this recognition to my (lack of) journaling and cannot help but make the connection to my intake (food) vs output (writing). Am I avoiding journaling in order to hide from the ‘confessions’ of poor eating choices or vice versa.. eating poorly because I no longer acknowledge a daily written reckoning?
Maybe it’s the repetition? Yesterday reads like the day before and that day reads like last week. I have visited some older journals when I felt I was doing better; they read the same… attempts to be mindful but never perfect. Is that enough?
Nonetheless, here I am at ‘All Things Food’ central and shall proceed accordingly. Today. No promises on tomorrow. My days usually start out well: motivated, mindful, focused on eating healthy (appropriate portions, no disordered eating) and nutritionally. I’m usually on track with my plan until late evening. Sundown brings the nightstalker. My swollen stomach and I crawl in bed alongside Mushy and close my eyes, praying for forgiveness and strength. Sometimes the expanded abdomen is food, other times massive water intake. Something, anything, to feel full.
Swinging back and forth, huge dips, between empty and full, I explore the emotions seeking my pinnacle Goldilocks for the moment when things are ‘just right’ and attempt to tackle them, hoping each recognition moves me closer to the goal line; the goal, of course, falling asleep at the end of a sane eating day preceding another and then another.
I’m considering a cleanse. Something to give me a week of clearing out the processed food chemical lingering toxic sludge coursing through my body. I may begin this Sunday - after Valentines day.
One issue likely promoting this emotional eating is business. Mine is slow; very slow. I’m not eating catfood yet and the buffer from the sale of the building helps me breathe easier but I find myself on the verge of madness during the day trying to stay occupied. I also look at a lot of job sites for something I can do in my shop, online, at my own pace. The boredom.. it’s a killer for me.
On the flipside of that are the upcoming pending vendor fairs (one this month, one next) I’m promoting; concern of remembering everything and factoring in everyone’s needs so they’ll want to return. I do these type things to myself all the time: create an activity then resent the demands. Cutty was right, I am my own worst enemy because I just can’t get out of my own way.
Another emotional issue recognized yesterday is this impending holiday in and of itself here on the fringe of this new relationship. Will it be romantic? Will he bring me flowers? I cannot find a romantic dress for the life of me. Will I feel silly because I bought him a gift (leather Harley Davidson vest)? Should I wait to see if he does (bring a gift) before I show my hand - I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable if he didn’t? So much drama over a Hallmark day, yes?
I’ve scheduled (after getting his positive feedback) an evening at a Murder Mystery Dinner for us and ever since pushing the ‘buy’ button I’ve been … crazy nervous. I’ve not been able to plan ANYTHING with Cutty (or for me w/Grace) for years because of his health.
Here I am, single (widowed) and worried about having to cancel or go alone. I repeatedly tell myself Harley isn’t that kind of person but the ‘experienced disappointed gal’ in me is hard to quiet. He phoned yesterday and asked what we had scheduled this weekend. My heart sank.
I reminded myself just because he practically sleeps with his IPhone doesn’t mean he uses it efficiently with the ‘calendar’ function; that just because I’d sent him an invite to add the MM to his when I added it to mine doesn't mean he did nor check it before phoning me and more so..he could have been using that as a segway to ask about something else. I held my breath and tongue as I managed to not say things like, ‘oh no… you’re cancelling??...’ and other blaming, attacking dialogues.
His agenda was he needs to run an errand out of state Friday and wanted to know if I could close my shop and go with him. He assured me we’ll be back in time for the MM Saturday night. It’s a relearning experience having someone in my life who’s independent of me with their own day to day activities.
After a decade of managing Cutty’s entire life followed by a year of being consumed by my own life, it’s taking time to remember Harley isn’t just packed in a box when I’m not around; that his very busy life continues even when he’s out of my sight.
And I repeatedly remind myself I like it that way; I’m not wanting to be consumed 24/7 by another person. That is besides Ms. Mushy - who’s currently snoring contentedly beside me as I try to update this recording of my life.
And that’s the highlights and lowlights. Thank you for visiting with me.
Make Peace with Myself
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