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12 September 2014
Well, it's Friday but I have a working weekend so I guess it's my Wednesday but I won't be off Monday so ... l sure can't call it a 'lost weekend' because that alludes a lot more fun than I'll be having.
All things food - rocking right along. Another emotional day yesterday.
It began with going online to balance my accounts and discovering I was overdrawn! Whaaaat? I recognize I'd had a bit of a 'the lights are on but nobody's home' month in August when I'd just let bills stack up around me ~ the money was there to pay them but I just didn't have the ambition to write the checks.
But then I paid them ALL and didn't balance the accounts ... duh. So I drove to the bank and deposited some cash to get that back in order and they were nice enough to reverse the two NSF fees as I've NEVER done that, at least, not at that bank. The whole time I could hear Cutty ranting at me for not taking care of business. Hey, I know it happens; that's why they have the whole process set up for handling it. But I was feeling like a child in trouble.
Then I had to leave work early to go to the doctor. I'm not sure if this has hit your state yet but the anti-anxiety med Xanax is now harder to get than heroin; or at least that's my joke as I've never bought heroin. Effective this month Texas requires the patient see the physician MONTHLY to get the prescription and with that extra copay cost as well as the emotional pain of sitting in a physician's waiting room every month I said 'time to get off this medicine.' So we'll be moving to something less controlled.
Regardless, by the time I got out of the office I was a bundle of nerves from all the waiting room flashbacks. It's not that I EVER forget Cutty ~ in fact, I'm waiting for the TV repairman to come today because the lamp on his (see, it's still HIS) big TV in the living room needs replacing.
Recalling how I had to relocate everything of his 'day life' to the bedroom for the 48 hours it was out last time, less than two years ago, has me reliving that painful memory. Seeing sick, older people in wheelchairs yesterday ... well, it's a miracle and a blessing I wasn't face down in Tequila or Tin Roof Sundae ice cream or both by sundown because that has been my usual mode of coping with pain in the past.
At the grocer I wanted 'something sweet' but not to the point of eating my emotions. After walking around the store and considering options I finally decided I wanted chocolate so I bought a package of 3 chunky cookies with the 'I don't want to have to throw away a huge bag of cookies' plan. I am very proud to report I only ate one of the cookies and not because I had to smash the other two into dust so double pitty-pat on my own back about that. Gold star Bella.
I'd slipped down in the bed snuggled w/Mushy and she wiggled away off to the foot of the bed and it so frustrated me, I felt so alone, I know, it sounds crazy but I was just aching for something warm against me. I patted the spot beside me for her to return but she just sniffed at me in contempt.
So in my completely irrational empty lonely sad pathetic crazy lady reaction I said 'FINE.... I'm going to go soak in the tub... stay here alone!' And I did... and that poor little baby obviously sensed my insanity in need of supervision because she came into the bathroom and lay beside the tub instead of staying curled up on the comfy bed.
The point of the story is .. I didn't eat. And I still had the other cookies plus the rest of the cheezy goldfish and heaven's know what else I could have concocted like waffles and pancakes and several bottles of wine and some rum and other such stuff in the kitchen.
I did something else to fill that empty, rejected, pathetic, pitiful loneliness: I 'Calgoned'.
Yes, I know that isn't a word. Blondie is developing a classic 'combo sigh and eye roll' because lately I've decided adding 'ing' or 'ed' to a noun makes it a verb or past verb. I natured, I went naturing. I photo albumed. I am busy photo albuming, and so on. It's kind of fun. Yep, I'm funning.
Nonetheless, I was doing my old historical reflection about the last time I lost weight, when it went off the rails, etc., this morning because I'm wondering about failing again. The voice that goes 'okay, you started in Nov04 and by Mar06 you'd lost down to 150 but somewhere in there you started going off the rails and whatever that blurry part of your memory is by Oct07 you were buying jeans on a road trip because what you had didn't fit and by ...' And then I did the comparison of now .. well, okay.. this time started Aug12 and since Aug13 I've been fairly stagnate on weight. A plus or minus factor of 10-15lbs but obviously more muscle this time because the clothing size is the same so ....
I guess it's the dreary weather of today, approaching the one year mourning point, and so on. I had to stare myself down in the mirror with the reminder 'uh, last time you were on phentermine... starving.. binging.. purging... drinking... raging... and so on...' and this time it's just been a one day at a time eating healthy and trying to move more. You may go up and down a few pounds and you may stay at this weight for ever but it's better than going up, up and up because your disordered eating tricks fail. Just get thru today. Worry about tomorrow later.
Interrupted sleep last night and ironic as it seems I feel much of it has to do w/telling my masseuse I wanted to change the schedule. I know, I am the customer. She's just such a sweet girl I felt guilty. But as I just finished journaling the above paragraphs I cleared enough emotion to feel strong enough to call and take care of that too. Whew.
So several emotions ~ not that mine are any more unique than anyone else's. All in a day. One day, one breath at a time.
Thank you for stopping to visit with me.
Make Peace with Myself
11 September 2014
I was going to comment on the 'quietness' around here this week but then again, I'm not journaling daily either so the kettle pot gal will hush and just deal with her own stuff. The thing is I don't have much 'all things food' to deal with.. other than the petition I've started to get 'goldfish' snacks included in a food group - dairy because they are 'extra cheese' - right? Had a few handful's of those last night with a banana, of all things. Weird combo but sounded good.
Other ATF includes I made a smoothie this morning but forgot the vegetable part. Banana, protein powder, fresh pineapple, yogurt, coffee and a little espresso coffee. Pretty darn good. I will try it again tomorrow and add the spinach I forgot I had in the fridge. I'd considered frozen brocolli for the 'green' but ... okay, I'm lying.. I just now thought about that one too.
My absentmindedness is taking on a whole new level. My emotions are cycling up and down continually throughout the day from totally manic to very depressed. All part of life I suppose. I try to stay busy doing 'things' and searching silly stuff on the internet when the 'downs' hit. So following are a few things that made me laugh, smile, or at least go 'hmmm' yesterday.
Hope things are going well in your world today.
Me... everytime I'm trying to breathe and eat mindfully at a restaurant...
I have to go to the doc today to get my 'SleepyRX refilled'
The best answer for most foods... if we can just give up the eating, chewing, needing nutrition thing:
This is ... so right on point... true... for most of us disordered eaters:
I wonder if my doc is going to comment about the weight gain .. or realize it's fat conversion?
Finally, exercise for me ...
This is so me... I'm glad to see a cartoon about it because I thought I was the only one:
This one too...
lost so far:
still to go:
Diet followed reasonably well
Make Peace with Myself
09 September 2014
It's not fair... I shouldn't have the symptoms of things that don't happen anymore. Maybe it never was PMS.. maybe I was always manic - depressive and prone to fluid retention. I dunno. My apology to the male readers. That's the end of the gal talk.
One of Cutty's old friends stopped by and lectured me about opening on Saturday's. Seems Saturday would be a better business day. All I heard was 'blah blah blah ditty blah'. How to explain ... or why should I even NEED to explain ... that I just spent the past 30 or so years of my life working 6 to 7 days a week and am now finding MYself before my own life ends? So, I just smiled and said, "Certainly something to consider" and held a smile on my face until he left. Inside I was feeling like:
Whew... what else?
Of course, my gratitude and appreciation for all those who visited and sided with me yesterday, LOL. I concede I probably write myself much nicer than I was that day especially considering I put Grace in the position of referee. Then again.. nah, enough of that. I've vented and moved on.
Eating.. much better. Sunday I went into fresh mode and picked up fruit & vegetables galore. This wasn't MY fridge drawer but had it been, I would have emptied it Saturday night.
So I filled it with good choices and enjoyed a wonderful spinach salad for dinner followed by sliced apple before bed. I also slow cooked a pork roast and watched Blondie eat half of it with her fingers last night before taking home a pear cobbler to her crew.
Catching up ... a couple of photos from the cabin weekend including the S'mores Birthday Cake made with waffles and the redneck decorations using rocks and leaves.
If I were better at converting video from my own camera to a gif ((and yes, I've been at several sites ... still working to hone the skill of it)) I'd send one of Mushy at the cabin. Must remember to get her some boots before the next 'camping trip' as my baby is like me, more accustomed to soft carpeted hotel halls. If I'd captioned the video of her gingerly walking on the rocks it would have read, 'Mommy... Someone Broke the Sidewalk...' Other than that she did okay, overdosed on the cabin full of affection, and slept for two days after. Trips tire her out. She's her Mommy's dog, alright.
I came across this the other day...
And with that, I think I'd better get outta here. I need to finish some things. The 'projects' aren't as formal as that word alludes. I'd upgraded Alec's tank with a heater, finished staining a glass door, things like that. I make it sound big. Just stuff I have to get done because my house was taking on a hoarder look with all these half started tasks.
So, as they say ... I am .. Outta here. I think that was SNL?
Make Peace with Myself
08 September 2014
Here goes a journal beginning with the cliched 'I'm working thru some cr*p so read or don't read'. It does relate to 'All Things Food' as I spent most of yesterday in reflection trying to figure out what led to eating the entire 'giant' Hershey bar Saturday night and reached two conclusions:
1) I am still having trouble accepting and loving myself at any weight, period
2) I need to find a more gracious way to stick up for myself when I feel challenged
3) I need to be able to distinguish polite conversation from being challenged
4) I need to learn to count or go back and edit
It began Saturday with the theater thing. Grace had a last minute spare ticket invite to the Dallas Fair Park Summer Musical 'Nice Work if you Can get It' via Elizabeth - who, now that I think about it, probably had the two extra tickets because Bob and Polly didn't want to go with HER anymore. Yeah, that works... she's the irritating one. Ha ha.
The pros included: free ticket and I didn't have to drive. I just sat in the back and zoned out and wished I'd brought my kindle or sudoku puzzle or something. And a fan. Thankfully the weather was a little cooler Saturday as the DRIVER never asked 'are you comfortable back there' until we ARRIVED.
The cons included Grace warning me before hand that Elizabeth (and although she never offered 'Call me Liz' I'm going to do so for the rest of this rant) is a semi retired teacher and sort of stays in that mode. Grace let that drop allowing me to draw my own conclusions but feel forewarned.
Liz is in her 70's and if you've seen the movie Bridesmaids (total chic flick but a little funny nonetheless) she would sound like Helen. That murmuring relentless never changing monotonous skin scraping brain scratching voice. And whenever I said anything of which she disapproved (which seemed to be every other word) I got the 'look'. And I brought 'that look' to her attention. And Grace spent most of the day trying to separate us.
For example, we arrived at the theater around noon, I was hungry, and Grace offered to split a sandwich with me. We invited Liz as well and she responded, 'Oh, no ... thank you, I had a huge banana for breakfast and that will be plenty for me.'
So of course, the ultra sensitive about weight me, the former fat girl who's still overweight, the heaviest in the group, I took offense at that comment. Maybe she was referring to me, maybe not. I didn't give it a chance. I still take possession of all weight comments and take them to heart.
While we sat to eat, she began commenting on some of her students and their inability to interpret the metaphors, allegories and similes in the writings they're studying. I asked if she had Bradbury's (the author's) notes to confirm.
"Why?" she asked?
"Because, I write too. And sometimes people interpret my writing in a different direction than intended. Without the author's notes on the specific details, how can you possibly know whether the student is incorrect? What if... that handful of students are the few who really understands Bradbury and the rest are just following the crowd? I just don't understand how accuracy can be measured without confirmation."
That got the look. Then the comment ( murmured of course ) "You're what we call 'an out of the box thinker.'
I laughed. "Oh my ... the TEACHER look. I haven't seen that face since I was in the seventh grade! But, no, I'm not an out of the box thinker. I'm more like a box BURNER."
Grace interrupted, "Oh, look... I think it's time we go find our seats."
I took the cue. I told them I had my ticket, wanted to go to the ladies room one more time, and would find them. I went to the restroom and gave myself a talking to on minding my manners. I seriously considered stopping by the kiosk and getting a double whiskey. That would be my normal reaction to being upset. Eat or get drunk and I'd already eaten. But I did neither.
Good thing too because with a couple of snorts under my belt I would NOT have been able to hold my tongue once I found 'our seats'. We were in the freaking NOSEbleed section!! All fine.. free ticket and all.. but considering Elizabeth carried opera glasses with her SHE knew it but did not tell us. Or told Grace who didn't tell me. So the music was great but I couldn't see Sh*T! Just a tiny blurry light! Over two hours of listening to Gershwin tunes trying to imagine what the actors looked like!
On the drive home I occupied myself memorizing the playbill while chanting silently 'behave yourself... behave yourself... behave yourself' especially as she'd referred to my sandals as 'clunky'. As in 'I never understand how you women walk in those big old clunky shoes'.
We stopped for dinner. Liz chose the place and it was "The Cotton Patch" which is what I consider the modern version of "Black Eye Pea" ~ basically southern home cooking. Seriously? I wanted to screech 'Really???? Why in the HELL would I go somewhere and pay $9 for a freaking meatloaf I can make at HOME!'
I wasn't that hungry so I ordered peach cobbler with ice cream. Liz commented 'dessert, reallllly?' Maybe she didn't lag out the 'really' like that but it felt that way. I answered, "Yes, I always like to order things in restaurants I wouldn't make for myself at home and I rarely ever make a cobbler." And I'm sure her mentioning the broccoli spears she was having with her meatloaf was merely conversation; not a slight against me.
So I realize, more work to be done on my 'weight issues'. But the stake in the heart of this friendship was when she asked what I did before I retired to run my own business. When I explained I worked for XYZ Corporation for 25 years on a multitude of software, computer, training, testing and accounting issues she replied, 'So you're actually smart?'
Whaaat? Of course I'm smart. After all... that's all this FAT girl has going for her, lady.. Brains! Forgive the heck out of me if I dangled my participle!
So as I said yesterday, we won't be hanging out together any time soon. I am considering getting season tickets to the Fair Park Winter Musicals as it is a nice place. But MINE will be GOOD seats. And I won't be inviting Ms. Banana Breakfast, ever.
Working through all of this, figuring out what all played out in reality versus in my own demented mind, I caught myself glancing at a young lady at the Walmart yesterday then quickly looking away. She was overweight but not morbidly obese. But she was wearing very unflattering clothing (jeans way too tight causing her stomach to billow over the waist accented by a very thin clingy blouse) that emphasized her weight instead of camouflaging it. I immediately judged 'she shouldn't wear that' and then yelled at myself, 'Shut UP Bella. Maybe she's HAPPY and HEALTHY and confident, all things you are NOT. Work on your OWN sh*t and leave others alone!'
So I drove home connecting the dots between my defensiveness Saturday and my wanting to protect that young lady from the judgement of others when *I* am the one judging. Judging myself ... still feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Feeling the need to come out, fists swinging at every weight comment.
Still work to do. I am not sure how I could have salvaged the theater, nosebleed seat situation nor do I feel I'll need to anymore. Grace has probably learned I don't make new friends well and may give up on trying to mix me in with general populations. I doubt I'll have to deal with Liz again. And if I am invited again to anything else, I'll just make sure I have an escape route.
Oh, wait, I just remembered. They did invite me to 'ladies night out' with their church group. Liz assured me 'not to worry, we don't discuss church' and I responded, "that's okay, Liz.. I HAVE been to a church a time or two.. I can follow the topics."
We'll see. I DO need to meet more people. I wanted to go somewhere Thursday and the two different people I invited wouldn't go. I need a longer list of possibilities. But I will drive my own car. And I plan on getting a 'cat'. A fictitious sick cat. Or a sick 'Aunt Edna'. I need my escape route. Or carry a flask. Or both.
And that's it for my journal today. I've actually started this twice and my system rebooted on me (not FS, my own laptop) so it's actually shorter than it was the first time. Believe it or not.
Make Peace with Myself
07 September 2014
Sunday and I’ve done my best to catch up on my active buddies journals. If I’ve missed anyone or anything please PM me and get my attention. I’ve only about 20 minutes to get a quick journal down and then off to do something with my day.
All Things Food were a little off the charts yesterday. Breakfast was fine; lunch not so bad but by the time I reached dinner then bed my emotions got the better of me and I ate the rest of the chocolate bar after two cups of soup and so on.
The theater with Grace included a third person and let’s just say we won’t be ‘staying in touch.’ Eight hours of mind numbing, condescending, patronizing conversation.
Cooler weather here has reignited my project enthusiasm. I’ve been attending to so many of the little things that had stacked in the corner.
Well, I need to get going before I sit here and fall asleep. A nap on Sunday…. go figure.
Hope you’re all doing well. Take care and enjoy your day.
Make Peace with Myself
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