FullaBella's Journal, 27 November 2013

Second Journal Wednesday November 27th. After reading all of the very kind private messages and comments on my journal I felt a need to continue journaling and allowing the thoughts to pour out of me much like my tears (were). This may read as more of the same and it is long. I understand completely if you don't have the time to read or reply. I just have more to get out of my head.

During the phone calls to his friends and family last night at some point I found myself delivering the news very quickly and saying 'all right now, I need to make more calls' because I could not really determine if the receiver was trying to console me or themselves. And as I'd recognized earlier this week, my patience had been reserved for only my husband for so long I have none for anyone else right now. I pray my reservoir will recover. Otherwise, I envision me being one of those cranky older ladies whacking people with my umbrella that I carry even when the sun is shining.

Everyone has offered 'if there is anything I can do' but after the BCF chili thing last weekend I'm letting that offering glide right by. I don't want to endure any more disappointment right now.

But the other side of that is there really isn't that much to do. I've been handling so much for so long almost entirely by myself I also know that some people DO want me to task them with something so they feel they are a part of this process but I cannot imagine 'what'.

I did think about getting a massage as one of my friends here suggested. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it thru it without crying. I'm sure it would be a release but I have worked so many years to put on a brave face for all around me I'm hesitant to let too many people see the crack in my armor right now. Laying on my bed last night I howled like a wounded animal. I'm sure I'll have more of those type releases in the days ahead.

Like yesterday, I would bounce back and forth between thanking God for being merciful to him (and me) to panicked thinking 'Oh my God, I'm finally alone. I'm really alone. I'm a widow. I'm no longer married.' and I would start sobbing but when a family member called, the physician came to pronounce him deceased or the funeral director came to pick him up I found myself jerking back into 'responsible calm caretaker mode.' I've had to stand by so many years and watch as he endured painful procedures and indignations and have logical unemotional discussions with physicians and surgeons I have learned to shut off my emotions like a light switch.

Even his home health nurse, I'm sure trying to assure me that it was okay, said 'It's nice to know superwoman does cry now and then.' I reflected on just how 'have' people been perceiving me in person because I've always saved my crying, my reactions, my venting for private. Or at least, until I came here and let it all flow into my journals.

It's odd... thinking about going to do something and not needing to arrange for a sitter. I feel lost that I could just get up right now and get in the car and go somewhere without begging my stepdaughter to make time for her father in her life.

My business, and again, I cannot reveal what it is - ironic too as I can discuss death and weight with such candor but need to protect the specifics of my real life - my business has inventory risks so it is not a place that I can comfortably easily leave for days at a time right now. I will be trying to figure out a way to secure the shop and inventory in a way to discourage burglary should I so decide to take Ms. Mushy and get away now and then.

My husband has been so worried about me, my safety, my security for so long some of it has tainted me. As another ironic cosmic joke, I finally ordered my yoga mat & equipment - it arrived yesterday. I sat it on the desk in the shop thinking 'oh well, so much for that now'.

Why? Because the only time we ever crated Mushy was when we were both gone - and that was when my husband was in the hospital. Otherwise, he's always been here when I left. She has had the run of the home. I KNOW it's ok. I KNOW pets are crated for their safety and often left all day long. She's a little dog weighing about 25lbs and has two crates, one for a dog her size and one large enough for a shetland pony. I know I could put her food and water in the crate and leave her for hours if need be; she is housebroken and I know her potty schedules and that she 'can' hold it.

I'm going to have to LEARN to do that. A new challenge. I know she can because when my husband was in the hospital for months she'd be here at home in her crate for many hours and did fine. I was thinking how my RL friend and I still have two more theatre tickets in the series. These were the days I'd leave home at 10am and not return until 7pm but it was fine because my husband was here with her (and she with him) and his daughter or grandsons throughout the day. I am going to have to adjust to letting her be alone for a few hours when I go places (she cannot).

But the other 'tainting' was the thoughts of my safety. I found myself thinking 'well, I couldn't possibly go out for Yoga now - it doesn't start until 5:30 and that won't put me home until after 7. ' I'd lived so long with, even when he was in the hospital, him saying 'I want you home and locked in and safe before dark.' And I have to remind myself that many times I would go to the hospital late at night and watch him sleep and in his illness created confusion he didn't really know the time or many times if I was even there.

I feel alone. I know you are all here for me but that old feeling of 'he's not on the other end of a phone, he's not going to be able to call me (when he was recovering from surgery and on life support) and I could be in a wreck or injured and no one would know for days.' Especially when I was battling so with the his daughter because she would not come to see him at the hospital so she wasn't talking to me. So alone.

I need to build a network of friends in my real life much like I've built here. People who will now feel able to phone me and not worry that I'm in the middle of taking care of him or waking him because he's resting. I need to begin scheduling regular events so people wonder about me if I don't show up for them. I need to find my own life now that I'm no longer caring for his.

I need to be as strong for myself as I was for him. I need to not be afraid just because the sun sets. I will be cautious and careful but I need to regain a life that may consist of something as shallow as browsing the clearance aisles for things I do not need or as nourishing as going to a museum or theater without requiring planning equivalent to invading a small country.

I need to remember he's really gone. I still keep forgetting. I keep looking at the clock, wondering if the hospital has brought him his breakfast and expecting that inevitable call complaining about it and asking when I'll be there.

I need to move on and I will. I will likely have many journals like these in days to come as I continue to process the end of a marriage that spanned nearly 25 years. I will understand if you don't read every day. I am just trying to continue with the journaling process that has helped me so much in the past year.

Bella

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Comments 
You just keep journalling my darling. Whatever you need to do right now for you is ok. Scream, cry, laugh, sob - whatever, it's all good. I so appreciate sharing your life with you. And yes it will be a good long while before you really accept and know that he is gone. And you will find a way to live a rich full life once again. You know the mantra I keep saying, one foot in front of the other. Time - it all takes time, and goodness knows you got oodles of it now. And mushy is a smart dog, she will relearn how to be home by herself, little by little 
27 Nov 13 by member: sarahsmum
Yes, you do need to move on eventually, but that doesn't have to be today. Let today suffice for today's troubles and sadness, and let tomorrow take care of itself. Your paragraphs up above tell the whole story in the first two words-I'm going, I feel, I need, I need, I need, I need. Yes, you do, all of those things. We will all do what we can, as we can, and sadly none of us can take away the emptiness and hurt and loss-but we can witness it, we can listen, we can acknowledge, we can stand with you when you can't stand any more. That much we can do.  
27 Nov 13 by member: CollyMP
You might have to read this later and I understand...I remember spending 23 days living and sleeping with my mom while she was dieing in her nursing home room. The entire staff took very good care of me as well as her during that journey. I wrote everything in a notebook that was happening regarding her care like how and when she received morphine, when she was bathed and who came to visit. Now reading your journal I realize how I had no patience either for anyone. I had no excuse really because I was not her care taker and I really didn't even have to prepare food because it was all done for me. Bella, I am so proud of you and all you do and have done for your husband and family. Say, something for you to do while bored and lonely - I watched it last Saturday and loved it. It is a documentary under an hour called Fabulous Fashionistas. It is a cutting edge British film. The interviewer is a little on the dummy side with her questions but the women featured are unique and vibrant and 80 or older. I don't think this is really a film about age though as much as it is about their wonderful personalities. It is probably on You Tube. Enjoy and let me know what you think somewhere down the road. It reminds me of you and me in our future. Massage...hmmm...not sure if I could do that either. Safety...I was between husbands for 17 years and since I am not a worrier I probably put myself in less than safe situations but I survived. If God willing we do survive. Call that security company that starts with an A or Brinks and have them wire your place to the teeth and give you a panic button to put next to your bed. It would probably cost you under $500 to install and less than $40 per month. After I was robbed (came home for lunch one day and my garage door was up, cat sitting in the middle of the garage and the back door was off the hinges leaning on the washer with burglers inside taking all of my photography equipment and jewelry) I ordered the security monitoring and thought why did I have to wait for something to happen. DO IT NOW so we don't have to worry about you. So I panicked so much when I came upon robbers that I drove to the gas station nearby and pulled out the phone book to get the number for the police...duh...no cell phone back but there was 911.  
27 Nov 13 by member: Neptunebch
Sarahsmum said a lot of what I was going to say so I won't repeat it all again. But know I stopped by and am keeping tabs on how you are doing. Be well. 
27 Nov 13 by member: evelyn64
Colly is right. Moving on doesn't have to happen today. It doesn't even have to happen tomorrow. You need to take care of yourself on your schedule and do what you need or want when you decide. If you decide you want to get back out there and surround yourself with people then maybe look into a support group. I know a friend of mine who works for hospice has seen alot of people in your position start going to them and they do help. Even if its just to talk to others who get what you're going through. *giant hugs* Also.. I know alot of people are probably saying what can I do to help because we all wish we could take some of the pain away and make things better. We can't.. but the next time someone asks don't feel obliged to tell them to do something. Just see it for how much everyone cares about you.  
27 Nov 13 by member: DairyFarmersWife
Moving on is alot like weight loss, Bella...it is a slow process. You are obviously a capable, intelligent and vibrant woman and I know that when you come out of this, you will be an even stronger version of you. I dont know if you realize it yet, but you have been taking care of so much, for so long, on your own that you have all the tools and grit to take on this new chapter of your life with a courage and enthusiasm that I cannot wait to see. Hugs. 
27 Nov 13 by member: notjune1
Oh my sweet lady, rest and relax. you need not DO anything other than what comes naturally now. Let the tears heal, and embrace his spirit.  
27 Nov 13 by member: HCB
Regarding having no patience-don't even worry about that. We can all only do so much for so long and when all of our emotional and physical energy is dedicated to one task we simply do not have more to expend on social niceties-those who care won't mind, those who get offended don't matter.  
27 Nov 13 by member: CollyMP
*BIG HUG* Bells. Thinking of you today. Much love. 
27 Nov 13 by member: Josie Ann
My heart & my prayers & my hugs are yours...I am so very sorry for you loss. 
27 Nov 13 by member: gg-girl
I'm sorry for your loss.  
27 Nov 13 by member: dboza
Feel yourself hugged. Sending love on your way. 
27 Nov 13 by member: Re Becca
Just stopped by to check on you. Hope the weather permits you to enjoy "his" coffee in the backyard. 
27 Nov 13 by member: 2toofat
Thinking of you today. Sending you good vibes of love and peace. Keep on journaling, as I can see it helps you so much. 
27 Nov 13 by member: pumakitten
One day at a time.  
27 Nov 13 by member: ClassicRocker
Never stop journaling honey...this is a journey that you have to deal with and coming here writing how you feel is good for you..Each day will get better...and you will find new friends in person of course...and that's a good thing...When ever I had to leave my poodle for long periods of time I always left the tv on so she could hear human voices...and they can't tell time...she will be great comfort to you..there is no better company in times like this than your precious pet...and she loves you unconditionally...as you do her....You have been doing so much for you dear husband all these years and now your at a loss of what to do next..You now have to take as good a care of you..that should be your first priority..No one else will...Love and Hugs my dear...Bren 
27 Nov 13 by member: BHA
You have such great friends here, Angel, & once again they are so right -- you do what feels right for you, what feels safe, what gives you some temporary relief from the sadness, what gets you through the day… one at a time. And, yes, sweetie, please keep journaling -- it truly is so healthy. And, know we are here for you, love you immensely & would do anything to ease your pain. xoxox 
27 Nov 13 by member: Ruhu
My prayers go out to you. Be good to yourself and remember we are here for each other. 
27 Nov 13 by member: Char60
Beautiful Bella, you are up and around and thinking and breathing. That is simply enough for the day! You dont have to figure out how to take care of yourself now, you have been doing that all along. Get a security system, you wont worry! Ms. Mushy can go almost everywhere with you and the places she cant, she will be more than happy to see you when you get home. Take a deep breath, put on that big smile.....I know youve got one, and keep on going. Maybe you can come up with a new recipe for special healthy doggie food for Ms. Mushy.....something you love to do for someone you love. Have a ???? day, make it whatever you want! Love you Bella! 
28 Nov 13 by member: PKs Grammie

     
 

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