puhpine's Journal, 17 June 2014

Interesting introspective. Thank you for sharing. 

You are right. When I was in my 20's, I thought I would rule the world after losing weight. That's probably what scared me off from ever doing it. Now, at 55, with more realistic goals I can relax a little. The Bible says "He who compares himself with others is not wise" and that's something I'm trying to release, too. It doesn't really matter if others can do more, look better, make better progress, etc. The last time I tried this, I got into the super-achievement mode, rah rah let's-do-this no-one-can-stop-me state of mind. After losing between 49 and 50 lbs., I couldn't stand it any more. Not the thought of counting calories, or exercising, or registering what I ate--it all made me almost physically ill to think about it. Now I have lowered my standards for what weight loss can actually do in my life, and take a day off every month to eat what I want. What God thinks matters, no one else. With the pressure off, I'm losing weight and even enjoying the journey a little. Perfectionism and comparing yourself to others will kill your joy in life, if not your health program itself. Have some chocolate occasionally, and if anybody says you don't belong at the gym. tell them it's a case of mind over matter. Just say they're opinion isn't important, because "I don't mind what you think of me, and you don't matter!" 

ugh; yes; i'm going to cry........ 

Beautifully put, thanks Maud. I have to put up with "but hey, you are not a young girl, you look great for your age" almost every day! 

the best comment i get recently (after, "I didn't know you are pregnant!) is, you look great, except for your stomach is still so big! yup, thanks mom . . . . 

I agree with several things you said. 1) Yes, I do live in a world without chocolate. It was hard at first, then it got easier. 2) People are prejudiced against fat people. It's a fact of life. 3) However, I do not find anyone judging me at the gym. Not sure what gym you go to, but at mine, no one gives a furry rat's fanny what anyone else does. They all do their own thing and people wave and smile at my fat ass when they see me. 4) Yes, it takes time and commitment, but so does anything else worth doing. 5) Haven't lost any friends yet because they are so far being supportive of me. 6) Soul-searching: Hell yes! I do this every day. Very thought provoking, but all in all, the reason I'm going through this torture is for me and to hell with everyone else! Keep up the great work, Maud. I'm on your side. 

Thank you for putting it all out there. You are a remarkable person, not many people would have done that. I have to keep motivated any way I can because I am surrounded by people who try to sabotage me or put me down for working so hard at losing weight. I have heard it all "you have a pretty face...", "I can eat anything I want and not gain weight", "I don't have to exercise", "have another piece of ___, it won't hurt you", "why don't you eat what you want and enjoy the rest of your life", and one of my favorites "you look worse since you have lost weight", etc. Some "Friends" have dropped off mostly because I'm not fun to go to dinner with anymore, I don't eat much on pizza night, they don't like dropping in because I don't keep "good food" in the house anymore, that list goes on and on too lol. And frankly, they couldn't have been good friends who don't support you when you are trying to better yourself. I don't feel sorry for myself because I did this to me, though I have worked super hard so many times to lose it.  

I lost 86 lbs once. I thought when I hit that magic "goal weight" number that the great, wise and powerful Weight Watchers said was right for me...POOF...I would suddenly feel beautiful and good about myself. I thought I would finally "feel thin" and since, as we all know, nothing tastes as good as thin feels, I would no longer crave the foods that are bad for me because to have those would be to lose that feeling of being thin. Nobody told me that I would NEVER feel thin. Nobody told me that at 5'9" and 167 pounds, in spite of my friends and family saying "I hope you're done. You're too thin" I would still see a fat girl in the mirror. Some of this is body dysmorphic disorder. But some of it is just the fact that I've been fat my whole life, and I've had my stomach cut open twice. So my stomach will never be flat and the more weight I lose the more loose skin I have...hanging over the waistband of my jeans so I STILL didn't feel comfortable tucking my tops in. Hanging down from my arms, continuing to wave after I stopped. Back fat changed to its equally undesirable cousin back FLAB. And the price I paid for this? 45 minutes of high-intensity exercise a day and feeling hungry ALL THE TIME. Well heck...if I'm going to hate myself anyway, why not hate myself with a hot fudge sundae in my hand? So I stayed at goal weight for about 20 minutes, then set about slowly gaining back 73 of the 86 pounds. The problem is that 240 at 45 feels WAY worse than 253 felt at 30. I hurt ALL THE TIME. And the exercises I did to lose the weight the first time are no longer possible for me, because I've abused my body so much. So now I have to lose weight all over again, not so I'll look like the models in the magazines (which I now realize I never could) but so I won't DIE before I hit 55. All this has taught me that if my reasons for wanting to lose are about looks, I will fail because I'm chasing an unattainable goal. Not only an unattainable NUMBER (167 is just too hard to stay at) but an unattainable GOAL (a bikini-ready body). My goal now is to be healthy and not be in pain. We'll see how that goes.  

This is great! Thank you for posting this.. can I copy this and post it on facebook? (I think you need to write a book).. 

Puhpine for President!!! Woo hoo!!!  

I couldn't eat 500 a day. I would just starve my body, couldn't build muscle which is the ultimate goal since I know it increases the body's metabolism.  

Spot on with so many that I can relate too. Painful, that's for sure, but hopefully as I and many others take this trip, we learn how to deal with the many insecurities of being overweight, and the losing. It's also a mind adjustment. Part of the process with losing, we learn and become wiser. Learning to be accepting and kinder to this new me.  

You are an amazing writer. This was very true and so well put. Ever thought of becoming a motivational speaker/writer? You wrote this and your profile very succinctly and to the point. I'm to the point, unfortununtly I usually piss people off or an unable to put it well. I envy your skill. 

You can't please everyone. You can only succeed at this because you want to, not because your family wants you to, or you feel pressure from society, otherwise you will quit. People will always find something wrong with you, even if you were a perfect weight. You have to learn to ignore these shallow comments. You can't be a bundle of raw nerves anytime anyone makes a comment. They obviously don't respect you if they are making such rude comments to your face or behind your back. If you are working in a positive direction, be proud of that. If someone makes a comment, just remind them how you are working on it. You need to be happy with yourself and not concerned if others are happy with you. If they loved you or respected you, they would be motivating, not depricating. While being overweight can be frustrating, giving up on your dreams of being healthy is even more frustrating and unnecessary. I have found on my weight loss journey that it isn't as much about giving up everything you love as it is about moderation. You can have chocolate, but you probably shouldn't eat the large bag of them (which I have done). Food isn't more enjoyable the more you eat, the experience just lasts longer and maybe it shouldn't. You shouldn't see dieting as punishing yourself, it is just deciding that maybe your old habbits aren't the best, and making new ones. Once you develop those new habbits, you won't even have to think about them anymore, they become natural. Going cold turkey on diet and exercise have never worked for me. I find that the subtle improvements over a long peroid of time make adapting to a new way of life easier. Make smaller goals that you can achieve a lot sooner, that way you have those little victories to celebrate, then you will stay motivated. Weight isn't supposed to fall off, it should be gradual. Plus, dwelling on the weight isn't great either. Try weighing once a week instead. That way you aren't so preoccupied with it. It not about what the scale says, it is about what you are able to do. It's about the enjoyment of being healthy and feeling good. Life isn't a popularity contest, it's about finding fulfillment. I am more fulfilled when I am proud of my actions. I am not fulfilled by what I eat and the temporary euphoria I get from it. That happiness always fades to regret. Good or better food choices can be made in almost any situation (even with friends), or just choosing to eat less. Have another small, healthy meal later in private if you get hungry again. If you do bad, then correct it next time you eat. Don't sacrafice a whole day for one bad meal, that attitude causes more damage and you will beat yourself up over it. You will never be perfect. Each bite is a decision. Decide that going forward, you are back on track. Dwelling on past mistakes never helps anything. You can't unring a bell, you can only go forward from the position you currently find yourself in. Avoid dwelling on past mistakes or wishing you had done better and focus on moving forward and doing right in the present. You don't have to spend your time in the gym either. Just getting off the couch is enough. Go for a walk or play with your kids. As long as you are on your feet, you are burning those calories. Find an activity you do enjoy and spend more time doing that. Think outside the gym. Being stuck on the treadmill isn't any fun, but you aren't limited by that. There are always more options. When you start limiting yourself, you start making excuses for why you can't overcome those limitations. Keep an open mind and perseverence will get you through anything.  

Thanks, Maud. It's tough. It was all of that. Keeping it off for me is a matter of refusing to go back. Of saying I'm no longer that person. It's a matter of doing for myself, but it was done to prove something to someone else. I hate it, and I'm glad that I've found this fortitude within me. Everyone has their own path. The trick is staying on it as much as possible. I'm reminded on this short weight loss that I'm on how hard it was. It can be easy to be smug and sometimes I'm an a$$ about it. It's unfair. It's not easy. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and I sometimes ride you guys hard because I want for you what I have. I like you, Maud. I'm keeping my cheese, you're keeping your chocolate, and as buddies we kick each other and console each other whenever it's necessary. The chocolate/cheese discussion was fun though, wasn't it? Your buddy... Bruce 

Excellent clarity and motivation, we must look past all the noise and get focused. Thank you Puhpine! 

It is a constant struggle, especially breaking the habits of years and years of "enjoying" the comfort food. I think the struggle is well worth it, though - and, the older I get, the less I care what people say about me. 

Congratulations on dropping 29 kilo! That's an awesome success. I think we are all spirits inhabiting our bodies - no one can see our spirit, so they misjudge, just as we sometimes do when we look at others. Our goals are to lighten the physical and mental loads our spirits have to carry as we move about. When others seem to judge us, we have a "teaching moment". We can set them a good example - determination, endurance, kindness, positive feedback when we can... I think it's as much a part of our path to "bettering ourselves" as losing the weight. If they misjudge, that's their immaturity - their problem! As for the drooping skin (sigh) and sweat (drip) ... and the trials and tribulations of choosing healthy over chocolate cake. Some battles are just going to be tough, aren't they! Ha! - and I speak from Years of struggle.  

Congratts!!!! We do it for ourselves and nobody else. Take pride and ignore the ignorant. 

I remember hating my body more when I had reached 138 because of funky ab skin, droopy boobs, funny how you just don't know until you are there. I liked my body at 167 much better.