Ms Elizabeth's Journal, 06 February 2017

DFW, you should talk about it with your husband. He's probably feeling it too! Together come up with a strategy to reconnect. It's really important! 

Sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders. Knowing things need to change and not going down the blast from the past road is great thinking. Always look toward your future. And I do get where you are at...I have five kids and I will get what seems at least a minimum of three questions per shower (and my shower is glass!) I just step in and say a prayer that it will fog up before the first question. LOL Anyway, have you ever heard of the 30 day love challenge? If not, it is basically that you do something special everyday for thirty day for your husband. It doesn't have to be anything big, cook something you know he likes, smile every time you see him, give him a compliment, write him a note, have the kids make an art project for him, etc. Anything counts. Now I know this may sound backwards, that you have to do all the work, but it usually works. The end game is to get talking again without either you or your husband being on the defense. Marriage, kids, life, etc. is hard and I'm sure both you all are probably feeling overworked. Everyone should have a survival plan. I hope this helps and that you do find what you need.  

Thanks SAM322 I will check it out and try it! You should be one of my buddies. I need all the good advice I can get. ;) 

I am in a similar place. My kids are grown now. Best friend moved across the country. My husband and I barely speak after he gets home from work. We have been married 40 years. I realized this morning that I get two little kisses and a hug a day. I am supposed to be losing weight due to prevent diabetes and I get so depressed in winter. How do I make new friends at my age??? How do I lose weight when I am sad and lonely and just want comfort food??? How do I get my husbands attention when he is exhausted and I look in the mirror and an old lady looks back? 

Oh, honey. I've been where you are. Feeling like you could stand in the middle of the room and scream at the top of your lungs but nobody would even look up. You're never alone, but you're never really connected either. Read the book "5 love languages". Often couples speak different languages, so they're not picking up on the ways their partner is showing love, and often they way your showing love isn't being understood either. This book is a great way to begin to understand what it is you need from your partner, what they need from you, and how you both can ask for and receive what you need with no drama, blame or anger. 

WOW! I hear you! There are some days, if one more person (young or old) calls my name or animal (we have several) ask for something AGAIN! I'm going to scream! That's why I take my b-day away from all. One day a year I disconnect from everything and everyone and just do what I want to do. Most years it's just sleep or read a book - ah books I do miss them. You'd be surprised on how much it helps. It is the only thing that has kept me sane.  

Yes, 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a helpful little book. 

I'm on the wait list for library's audio book now so I can listen to it on the way to work. :) Thanks for the recommendations guys! 

With the plethora of comments I hope you know you are not the only one who feels this way. All the preceding comments are definitely worth following up on and I have one to add. This time of year our bodies have depleted our reserve of vitamin D. Last spring and summer your body soaks up the sun which is the main way us farmers get vitamin D, then as the days get shorter but our work load stays the same our bodies start to use up the excess. Currently the days are getting longer but not long enough to recharge us. Now you have some research to do and choices to make. Either take some supplements but you need to know that vitamin D and calcium kind of work off of each other. Or research which foods you need and like and get everyone in the family to eat them. If you have felt the kids are extra needy lately they may also be suffering the same fatigue and "down in the dumps" feeling but don't know how to communicate it.  

Marriage; the place souls go to die.  

I often feel this way. I sometimes wonder what my husband sees in me but them I remember that he loves me for me, not my body (well sort of). Plan a date night, nothing big, just dinner out. Leave the phones etc at home. You just never know what might happen. 

I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries but on the OTHER side of the fence my dear, I will try to bring you back up. I have looked forward to all of your journal entries because of how hilarious you are! I realize this has been selfish of me without offering you any response nor positive support. You are doing this weight loss thing alone. Your husband is overwhelmed in his own way. You are working a full time job AND farming AND raising tiny ones AND it is the most miserable time of the year - the dead of winter. Ok, things may seem unbearable, but I PROMISE you things are going to get better! Weather is going to get warmer; snow and cold will go away; your boys are going to grow up and be a HELP around that farm. Your role right now is the most important in the whole family. Your shoulders are bound to get heavy at times with the weight of the world. Here's what I want to do and that is to show you a different perspective of looking at things so you will feel at least a little better. You have two sons who 100% depend on you and never leave you alone. That can be maddening but the alternative is to have an adult daughter like mine who has written me out of her life AND my one and only grandson's life for reasons that have never been made known to me. I have seen my 2 yr old grandson exactly one time. I never get pictures, phone calls, letters, emails - nothing. This grandson of mine will never know me or how much love I have to give him. I will never be able to just pick him up and hug and kiss him. My other adult daughter is a recovering drug addict. Isn't that awesome? I only have two kids and I lost them both in the same year. At the same time my back has deteriorated with degenerative disc disease and I can no longer sit, stand, walk very long or even get dressed or bathe by myself. Have you ever tried to shave certain areas of your body with your husband looking in case you slip or fall or cut yourself? It's mortifying! I've gained 50 pounds and when you can't get dressed by yourself, guess what, he sees all your cellulite too! I can't color my hair or perform a pedicure. I have been forced to quit working. I've had 4 spinal fusion surgeries and have fused 6 discs in my spine and I'm still not any better. I can't exercise like I want to, probably ever again. I can't drive either. I am living on opiates and my left hip, leg and foot swell up hourly and then just goes completely numb or throbs with pain if I sit or stand for too long. An exciting day for me is if Dr. Phil has makes a joke during his analysis of a family gone wrong. I have no idea if I'll ever get better. I'm fighting SSA to get approved for disability. It's a wonder I even get out of bed on any given day. I've been to church, confession, counseling and yet I still suffer from all the above and I'm only 51. Turning 50 was the worst year of my life. SO, now let's look at your glass half-full. You are YOUNG! You can actually get up and take a shower all by yourself. You have the love and adoration of two little boys and a pet who can't stand having you out of their sight and you can hug and kiss them anytime you want. You have a job where at least you get out of the house and away from that other life for awhile. You can do hard labor without your back giving out. You can stand in your kitchen and actually cook food or brownies or whatever without your back or your feet giving out on you (and even have a glass of wine while you are doing it). You have friends from your past that still think you are so great that they have to call you. You ARE wonderful and you ARE special and you have friends who think the world of you! When those little ones get the better of you - put them in a wagon or a sled and haul them around with you to do your chores or pop some popcorn and all of you get lost in a cartoon. This coming weekend, PLEASE do something for yourself and/or for you and your hubby. A candle lit dinner at the kitchen table can still work. If you are close to a movie theater, maybe you can both go see a movie or at least out to eat for a burger in town. I personally think you are great and I've never even met you! It's ok to feel down, as long as you don't act on it. I'm sorry if this sounds like blubbering. I just wanted you to feel good about yourself. Don't give up hope on your dreams! They are attainable! It's just going to take some patience. That other lady was right about needing Vitamin D to replace the badly needed lack of sunshine. Go buy some! And one more thing, be grateful you don't have girls! 

I don't know how to offer help but I will say a prayer for you. Sadly, I feel similar to you. Hoping, for both of us, that it is just a phase. Hugs. 

Being 70 years young, I have been down many roads and faced challenges that I thought would break me. I believe that you have been given so many wonderful suggestions but more importantly you must realise what a dear and precious person you are...when we repeat those words, "for richer and poorer, in sickness and health..." none of us understood fully what those words would entail. It is a very fine balance between losing one's self to family and maintaining that love relationship that brought you to this time in your life. Having grown up on a farm I know the demands that come from trying to make a living....It is a hard life but the rewards of living on the land can be no better. Your precious little family may currently be facing big challenges but I assure you, things will get better! God honours those that honour him. You and your family are in my prayers....You are the precious daughter of the most high God, he's got your back. Hugs! 

Hang in there...it gets better as they get older. I used to feel that way, but it's amazing how fast the time went and my kids are now 25 and 21...and I miss them on the other side of the shower curtain. Try to find someone with the same life situation and schedule time with them--kids can play and you have an adult to "adult" with. Get back on track with date night at least once a month and no phones! I don't have all the answers but by the grace of God my husband and I made it through those tough years. I promise it gets easier the older they get! 

Sometimes an old friend is like a ship that passes in the night. If you give yourself a chance to remember you will see why you parted ways. remember your happy times with your husband and children. you only get to have them once. make the best of it. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. 

There is a lot of great wisdom here! I don't know that I could add anything else that would help you better that what has already been written. Just remember that though we can't be seen out here, you have a multitude of followers who adore you and your sense of humor and whit. You are one of the first people I check in on each day with anticipation of a smile and chuckle! I for one know you are loved!! Much!! 

I feel what you're going through, though I'm divorced and my kids are with their dad half of every week. I feel alone and lonely too.... I have friends, but we're all busy with our lives. Hang in there, and try to change up what's not working, and change it up again until you find what works.  

Yes, my students and I just talked about feeling lonely even in your family. Just go out and look in some of those big brown cow eyes. Watch where you step or wear Wellies. I wore leather boots coated with bear grease to a dairy last week and it is still on the soles. Peace for your soul. 

I hope you find the answer. I do know what you mean and when the only conversation you have are with the voices in your head, it can become oppressive. Are there no groups you can join? I belong to two (both involved with needlecraft) the company of the ladies in one group is like medicine. Chatting on the internet is better than nothing but face to face interactions is better if it can be managed. I've had a bit of a low patch lasting many months. Its only when you emerge that you realise..... I am emerging. Why? How? I-I cant answer. But I hope I can keep it up. And I hope you can find your way too :) x