Monday aka Must Find a Better Way Day.
Yesterday was going well with all things food until I did that thing I do lately which is get in a cooking mood but then eat it.
I wanted to make good old fashioned mac & cheese with bacon and five different cheeses and etc. I think the whole process of it was my original intent. Other than soup, I haven’t been ‘cooking’ much this past week. I was enjoying the grating of the cheeses, frying the bacon, and all of the steps. It made me feel… valid? Does that make sense?
Once it was prepared I used the time it was baking in the oven to be productive (laundry, dishes, tidying) and noted I felt … again… struggling for the word to define the emotion.. complete?
Now I realize writing this .. and as I often say, this is why I journal - it helps me work through the process of what’s going on with me .. I think it was a case of underlying emotions. I finally did decide to try an online dating service; it helped me better define ‘myself’ and what it is I am really seeking. And yes, I’ve been cautious. Maybe too cautious if there is such a thing.
It’s helped because I am recognizing I still feel lost not being a ‘wife’. After all, that was my identity for 25 years. Being ‘single’ still feels like I’m wearing a garment that doesn’t fit. I did have one date and I recognized about ten minutes in all I wanted to do was leave. I must not be ready for this yet.
So the M&C - it took me back to being Cutty’s wife. Cooking for someone. Knowing the time and care I took would be appreciated. And then there was no one here nor anyone answering next door (B’s crew) to take it off my hands. In retrospect there could have been the freezer or trashbin; after all, it was merely the preparation I was enjoying. But no, I ate it.
I did realize I was so much more comfortable at the poker game than I was on the date. The group setting is probably a better fit for me right now. Hence the reason I’m considering the square dance lessons although the instructor said it’s mostly single women and only one married man who’s wife will share now and then for a partner. Obviously (reading what I just wrote) I do want to ‘date’ just not one on one; I want to group date. Well, that sounds kinky but if you’re still reading you understand.
I think it’s why I like going to the auction - room full of people, well lit, etc., random conversations but no expectations at the end of the evening (other than to pay for my stuff and get it out of there).
Then again, maybe it was just ‘he’ wasn’t the guy. This is beginning to be an hour by hour process for me. Just one I need to get through without Mac-N-Cheese.
Here’s to another day to get it right or at least do better.
Bells
