|Start Weight:||(01 Nov 14) 184.0 lb|
|Current Weight:||(14 May 15) 191.0 lb|
|Goal Weight:||180.0 lb|
following: Awareness and Conscious Choices
performance: gaining 0.5 lb a week
I’ve always considered myself fat, overweight, chubby. My 3 siblings reinforced that self-image for me because they WERE thin, healthy, active. I was tubby, fat, round, and "just like Dad" who called himself Fat Frank.
My parents lived through the depression so they always encouraged me to eat more. Also, Dad would often say, “Whoever eats the fastest gets the mostest.” I became a competitive eater. It’s what I did better than any of my siblings.
In gradeschool I was an outsider and “fat”. My parents said I was healthy and “pleasingly plump.” (ugh! How I still hate that term!!) In high school I followed my one dear friend in to dieting. I eschewed carbs and embraced ExLax. I lost some weight and became anemic. My mother began watching me eat. I gained back what was lost and found some more. In college I was able to slim down a bit but II fluctuated. I still ran back to ExLax frequently.
After college I bounced up & down the scales some more and eventually was able to get down from a size 14 to a size 2 or 4. "Fat" was still my identity. It was impossible for me to see myself accurately and I felt that the scales and the clothes were lying to me….and that it was a lost cause for me to pay any attention to it at all. I look back at pictures from that time and marvel at the beautiful young woman who I know was me – but I can’t relate to her.
So now I’m here….going on 49 and still trying to accept myself as I am. I'm 5'6" and want to weigh about 150 but I’ve put 165 on my official weight chart because I wanted to indicate something I thought was achievable. Let’s see how I feel when I get there.