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Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone that commented and messaged me following my previous journal post. I can't express my gratitude enough for the love and support I get here from my buddies. Over the last week I have gone back and re-read those comments many many times, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you.
Still working through this crap, but I believe the worst is behind me. Have you ever heard of antidepressant withdrawal, or as I like to call it, your own personal vacation to the depths of hell? It's real, oh god is it real. I think Sunday was the worst day of my life so far. (and I've had some pretty bad days) Every move I made felt like electric shooting through my body, I was easily confused and had a hard time concentrating on anything, mood swings, crying spells, severe dizziness (I fell down more than once, doubting my own sanity, and worst of all suicidal thoughts. I have never been to a place so dark in all of my life and I hope to never visit there again. And this was while being weaned off of a low dose of paxil. Oh. my. god. My doctor told me when we started the paxil for anxiety that if it doesn't work out we can always just stop. So it didn't work out and he weaned me off, he never once mentioned the severe threat I would be to myself. Information that would have been useful to me when we initially discussed ways to treat my anxiety. Never again.
So Monday was better than Sunday. I kept busy around the house, although I still felt pretty simple minded. Hard to focus, etc. But better, way better as far as mental health goes. Today I'm even better and trying to get back to the things that used to make me happy, before paxil sucked all of the happy out of my life leaving me in an apathetic stupor. I started my day off with a thirty minute run at the gym. I know, that's insane right? I haven't ran in months! Then I came home and had a green smoothie, another thing I haven't given a shit enough to have in months.
I am still broke, and still up way to much weight on the scale, but I'm trying to focus on what I've got... which pretty much is a gym membership and lots of potential lol. I'm looking for work every where possible, didn't think it would be so hard to find a minimum wage job to be honest with you. Something will pan out eventually, right? Financially we aren't going to make it if it doesn't. My BIL wedding is the first of NOV. This causes me anxiety for many reasons. First of all, my husband and son are supposed to be in the wedding so we have to come up with two hundred dollars to get the stupid ass tux rentals, on top of it being time to pay rent, car payment etc. I'm already behind on everything! Secondly I have nothing to wear, and I mean nothing. And last but not least I feel fat. I feel like everyone is going to see the 15lbs I have put on and judge me, and call me a failure while laughing behind my back. I feel like everyone is always waiting for me to fail, that might be the 'crazy' in me, but haters are going to hate, and they're swarming like hungry piranhas it seems.
Id be lying if I said that I hadn't thought about dropping out of school so I could find some full time factory work. I know my education is more important and I'm sticking it out, but it's just so hard right now. It's getting cold, my kids need clothes. I feel like I'm failing, big time. That's enough ranting about that though, it's going to be what it will be.
Thank you again for all of the support. I'm going to make a valiant effort to be here daily. Going to have to be so I can record my intake!! :)
Have a wonderful day, buddies!
Diet Calendar Entry for 21 October 2014:
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1453 kcal
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Fat: 64.32g | Prot: 92.07g | Carb: 125.56g.
Breakfast: Coffee-Mate Pumpkin Spice Coffee Creamer, Coffee-Mate Original Powder Creamer, Banana Blueberry Green Smoothie. Lunch: Great Value Whole Wheat Bread, Kraft Light Mayonnaise, StarKist Foods Solid White Albacore Tuna in Vegetable Oil, Betty Crocker Sour Cream & Chives Mashed Potatoes, Shoulder Pork Roast. Dinner: Huevos con Chorizo, Kraft Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese. Snacks/Other: EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder - Chocolate Fudge. more...
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 Comments
I hope you feel better soon. With all the money problems no wonder you have anxiety. I really hope you can stay in school, you are such a good student! No one will even notice 15 lbs gain or loss when we're overweight. People only notice it on skinny girls. You will look beautiful at the wedding, look just how cute you are in your profile picture.
21 Oct 14 by member: snezica
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"your own personal vacation to the depths of hell", that is f*ckn' poetry!
21 Oct 14 by member: puhpine
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To attend a wedding everyone thinks we must buy the perfect dress which costs big buck$. I bought a white blouse and a navy blue skirt, and a simple but feminine blazer to stay warm instead of a coat. If you smile and wear a beautiful necklace or a brooch and shiny earrings, that will be what people remember. How glamorous. You will look fab!
21 Oct 14 by member: Deb_N
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Add a beautiful scarf or a piece of fabric and you will be dreamy!
21 Oct 14 by member: Carole Shaw
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With every day I hope you find more positives. I'm so glad you've stuck it out and haven't quit school. I hope you can find something that you can work around school because it will be so much better for you in the end. I'm sure places will be starting to at least hire on more people because of the upcoming holidays, so hopefully that will work to your benefit and you'll find something good. I hate to say it but have you checked out your local Goodwill or Salvation army for a dress or outfit for the wedding? If you're only going to wear it one day, why spend a lot of money? I know here they actually have some decent stuff if your short on cash, and I've found things there for the kids too, brand new clothes with the tags still on even. You have to do what's best for you and your family, but you don't have to give up the fight to do it. Even with the weight gain, I'm sure you look great, so don't worry too much about what people think. They'll all be paying attention to the bride and groom anyway. :) You have that gym membership so use it to get some endorphins kicking in, which can be a great antidepressant!
21 Oct 14 by member: mars2kids
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Glad that things are finally coming together for you and enjoy the wedding.
21 Oct 14 by member: C67241
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First of all, the temporary gain: I would bet all of the 15lbs isn't mass - some, but not all - and as I often do.. you are focusing on it far more than others will even notice. And I write temporary because I know you'll turn it around. Or at least.. stop there. Go back and read some of YOUR journals.. the inspiring things you shared with all of us .. and rediscover your passion. This antidepressant med withdrawal is killer stuff and I hope you find a balance. Did I mention the celexia really worked well for me? I never tried paxil but I was finally able to get off Xanax after 20+ years without the reactions you're having so color me grateful. We're here. Public or private. Vent and discover your way. We love you. Well, I do. Mushy and me. We.
21 Oct 14 by member: FullaBella
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Getting anti-depressant meds figured out can be difficult. My wife has gone through a lot of that, some of the stuff gave her what she called "brain zaps" which were horrible, your mention of what felt like electricity shooting through your body sounds similar. I tried Paxil for a very short time when I was going through a divorce years ago and it made me feel like I was in a deep hole trying to see out. Hopefully things will continue to get better...as tough as it might be try to seek out and focus on positive things each day as much as you can. :)
21 Oct 14 by member: jmb3450
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You run, girl! Go for those free anti depressants - endorphins! Loads of studies showing that regular exercise can give depression and anxiety a thrashing. Meds can help, but there are so many out there, and they work differently for different people. My daughter had some awful reactions to a couple before we found the right one...keep your head up!
21 Oct 14 by member: twahlhowe
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Thank goodness your system should be clean of the remnants of the drugs. The effects of the drug on you sounds worse than the problems. I have never had depression but I have friends that do. Please remember that we are always harder on ourselves than other people can possibly be. Your wedding will be wonderful, an important life decision you are making. You will probably invite only your family and close friends. If they are your friends they will be happy for you no matter what you and the wedding party are wearing and no matter how big you think you have gotten. Family is always a crap shoot. Just don't invite people you don't care about :) participating in your wonderful day! As for money, in my humble opinion, tuxes and fancy clothes aren't necessary. The ceremony is what counts. Regular suits should be just fine, the wedding belongs to the bride, the honeymoon goes to the groom! Your schooling is for your future which is more important than any wagging tongues about a few hours in fancy rags. With your schooling certificate you can get a good job and buy all the clothes you want. Then put on a big show for an anniversary! :)
21 Oct 14 by member: kattay
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Ok...for the wedding you will look wonderful! Even with the weight that you gained back...you are still WAY DOWN from where you started. You are going to the wedding and show that bride that you are proud of how far you have come. Do you sew at all? Take in a dress that you had previously...that would save you some $$$$. Let me know if you need some hints to do it.
Now for the tux rental...explain to the groom (not the bride...she will just go bridezilla on you) that you have run into a tough patch and that you are short money right now for the rental. He may be able to float you the money for the rental if he wants them in the wedding. You can pay him back when you get back on your feet.
21 Oct 14 by member: kmunson
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Blessings for you today. Hang with it and you will feel better once you have weaned off the medicine. And, I agree you are beautiful and will look perfectly well for the wedding!
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So sorry you had to go through those withdrawal symptoms, that sounds AWFUL. So glad you're better now though. Honestly, 15 pounds is minuscule, it's your mental health and wellbeing that matters. Sending you all my support <3
22 Oct 14 by member: PepperMill
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