FullaBella's Journal, 31 March 2014

Monday Morning - March 31st. I haven’t journaled for a few days because I just haven’t had much to say - how unlike me, no? ATF is going okay except for Saturday - I can’t figure out if I was eating my depression or depressed because of my eating; probably a bit of both. But Sunday was back on track. And I forgot where the countdown for ‘no Midnight Munching Madness’ left off but I am still zero with that so that’s a good thing.

Took the bike out yesterday and while this reads like a joke, esp to Heather and Glen, I was pleased to estimate based on the mapquest search afterward that I rode at least six miles. A year ago I’d not have had the strength or ‘nerve’ to get on a bike in public; two years ago I’d … well, fahgetaboutit. I’d neither have been physically able to ride and would have allowed those voices in my head to snicker and imagine all of the hecklers with their ‘how are those tires even staying inflated’ insults.

I didn’t get ‘my speed on’ with my precious cargo (Mushy) in the basket but it was nice and I did get a ‘sweat on’ so not bad. I’m fighting my compulsive behavior to get a two wheeler as well now that I determined I can ride to many of the places I like to go regularly like the nail salon, library, and the bigger grocer for when I need things not sold at the corner market to which I presently walk.

That’s the high & low lights. The remainder of my journal has nothing to do with food or activity. It’s the reason I haven’t been here a few days - things in my head - emotions with which I’m struggling. Feel free to stop reading and have a wonderful day.

Bells

---

Friday morning was warm and sunny and it was the first morning I spent time comfortably in the back yard in a while tending to the flowers that had survived the winter. Those beautiful pansy’s that I planted the weekend of Cutty’s passing were still blooming. It was touching and sad - they are still here, he isn’t. I sat down in ‘his’ chair - the one from where he’d perched so many morning’s when he’d sit outside and dream until his declining health prevented him from walking that far.

At that point I’d take outside photos every morning and upload them to my laptop and we’d lay in bed in the evenings and view them. It was my only way of showing him the parts of the yard he couldn’t see from his bathroom window but it made me sad because it was only on the other side of the door but may as well have been another country to him. It was like showing him vacation photos to a place he really couldn’t go. Or didn’t want to see. Reminders of his limitations to a place he couldn’t go. I’d plead that I could carry him in his wheelchair; he refused because he felt I was already doing so much all day. I’d suggest having a ramp built for his scooter. He refused again. He said he couldn’t breath out there anymore even with the portable oxygen and inhalers.

The last time he was out he’d suggested I get grass growing around the A/C unit. I did, immediately. Cutty spoke and I hopped. He never came back outside to see it. I stared at it from his chair Friday morning and felt my heart breaking at the recognition.

Then the oddest thing happened. I’ve always enjoyed hearing the real Church bells ring from a block away. They normally chime the ‘WestMinster’ tune followed by nine bells and that was my indication it was time to come back in and get on about my day. Those bells were always accompanied by Cutty phoning me and saying, ‘It’s tiiiiiime….’ But Friday, of course, I had no phone outside. No one to phone me.

As my time outside has been limited this winter because of the cold and depression, I am not sure ‘when’ the Church upgraded their chimes or if Friday was the first day but they began to ring ‘Old Rugged Cross’. I was staring at the grass and crying because I missed Cutty so much and I hear this … his favorite hymnal. When I would play the piano for him (years ago, we no longer have it) I would play it and Unchained Melody. They were his favorites. It felt like a sign. Him telling me ‘I’m still here, Lil Darlin’, I’m still here.’

I tried to hold onto that feeling when I went to Lowe’s yesterday but I couldn’t. I had a tough time working my emotions there as my hypersensitivity to being a lonely widow on Sundays (bothers me worse that day because it was the day I spent the most time with Cutty) seemed on overload.

Yesterday at Lowes looked like ‘date night’ as all of the garden shoppers were ‘paired up’ except me. I caught myself just walking thru the aisles hugging my sides tight and fighting back tears behind my sunglasses. This yard, my church, had all began because of Cutty’s encouragement. Before he grew so sick HE was the gardener and aisle leader and I was the basket pusher. This was at our other homes. He’s spend what seemed like hours fussing over which shrubs to pick. Once we moved here as his health declined he’d pick out and suggest items from the Home Depot flyers in the paper then wait at home in his recliner to see what I’d picked and give me his advice and comment.

But I pushed thru; finally snagging a basket to grip instead of my sides. I gave into the hope that warm weather is really finally here and picked out a lemon tree, two hibiscus and a pink rose bush as well as two bags of soil and a bag of mulch. Quite a load and I carried it all thru my home and into the back yard by myself. A year ago I’d have paid the grandson’s to do it. I still could have but wanted to prove to myself I’m strong enough physically and emotionally to keep going.

Down in the dirt, digging and clearing, I planted and cried then smiled as the Church bells seemed to go on overload and played a ton of hymnals while I planted. I pulled the lounge chair over into the shade for Mushy.

No great epiphany. No revelation other than tired and sore. I just knew I needed to start ‘feeling’ my life again rather than avoiding it with mindless shopping and avoiding the reality that this time when I am alone, I am truly alone in my home. I’m not at a hotel or corporate apartment nor am I home alone because he’s in the hospital. He’s really not coming back and it just freaking hurts. But life goes on. I’m not the first, nor will I be the last. I need to make this time count.

That’s all.

---

1428 kcal

Fat: 77.26g | Prot: 105.70g | Carb: 90.97g.   Breakfast: Coffee-Mate Sugar Free Caramel Macchiato Coffee Creamer, Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, Milk (2% Lowfat with Added Vitamin A). Lunch: Baby Spinach, Tomatoes, Cucumber (with Peel), Mayonnaise, Tuna in Water (Canned). Dinner: Baby Spinach, Mushrooms, Schwan's Mediterranean Vegetable Blend, Schwan's Marinated Salmon with Grill Flavor. Snacks/Other: Schwan's Whole Strawberries, Bob's Red Mill Chia Seed, Dannon All Natural Yogurt - Plain, Large or Small Curd Creamed Cottage Cheese. more...

1852 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...