FullaBella's Journal, 26 November 2013

Tuesday - November 26th

My husband passed away this morning. God delivered to me the very things I'd prayed for and that was for it to happen while he was sleeping peacefully. I prayed for him to be home in his own bed. I prayed to be with him when it happened. All of my prayers were answered.

Now I need God to help me be strong as I enter the next chapter in my life. We've been married half my life and he's been sick for half of our marriage. I'm not sure what my identity will be now. No longer married. No longer a caretaker.

Everyone is finally gone. The house is quiet. I scurried around doing my usual cleaning, tidying, making it all ready for him to come back home. Even his coffee is already made for tomorrow. I'll have to go turn the setting off. Or not. Maybe I'll drink it in his honor.

I had my son in law help me move his bed out of the living room and move his chair back. I want to remember him in his chair - not that bed.

There won't be a funeral. He will have a direct cremation. I will gather his family and friends in January for a memorial to scatter his ashes to the winds above a lake as he requested.

I don't know what to do with myself. I have been jumping to take care of him for so long I feel at loose ends. I am sure I'll eventually find something. It's so quiet here. No TV. No meals to be prepared, medications to be administered. Nothing.

I may not be here a few days and I may be here continuously. I just don't know. For now I'm going to just lay down and rest.

Bella