FullaBella's Journal, 26 November 2013

Tuesday - November 26th. Erratic night of sleep - DH very restless. Thank you all for the very kind, supportive, loving, encouraging, accepting and thoughtful comments on my journal last night. I do truly feel you care and it helps me. Thank you.

Today is more of the same. I'm going to see about returning the BiPap (wish me luck) as it seems to make his breathing worse instead of better. I am going to phone Home Health and discuss the hospice option. I think it's time. I can't bear to subject him to more hospitalization, probing and pain. Yes, as of this morning I'm back in stage five: acceptance. I feel at peace working with him and am just going to help him and let God sort out the decision.

And in my ever present over the top OCD, the one that makes me think if I fold the towels 'just so' or make sure all the labels of the canned goods are all facing out, even arranging empty clothes hangers a certain way - if I can get all that just right, everything else in life will fall into place as well. The fact is, it just may do that. I just don't know what that is.

I'm on the fence about Thanksgiving. If he's still with us but still struggling I don't know that I want a loud crowd of people in here. I dont' want to deny his family the opportunity to have their last Thanksgiving with him. I'm struggling with patience and selfishness. Protecting him but allowing for other's emotions.

That's it for now. Thank you all again. You are truly my extended family and you give me great support. I am loved and blessed.

Bella

Oh .. food related ... ate at midnight: some left over shrimp alfredo and some of the macaroni and cheese. The rest will be going into the bind today. I am on that ledge and need to step away from it even if it means putting a brick wall on the opening for now.

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Comments 
Morning Bella...sorry you had a rough night...Yes you are loved and blessed..We have come to know a very special person and that's you dear... I understand that you want to protect him....I aways had t beg every one to stay away from MIL if they had a cold...as she could not afford to catch one...and I didn't mean money wise...Bless you dear..  
26 Nov 13 by member: BHA
Is DH able to make the decision about Thanskgiving dinner? My heart aches for what you are going through. Take care Bella. 
26 Nov 13 by member: cjmurph
Morning Angel, please know I'm thinking of & praying for you and DH. I think looking into hospice is a good idea, so you at least know your options. I'm so glad you're finding some peace & hope prayer keeps helping there too. I hope prayer, DH & your gut helps makes it easy to decide on Thanksgiving. Be kind & gentle with yourself, and let the food take care of itself -- you may need it a bit for comfort, but as you know, you can choose to do so, as mindfully as you can & without judgement but curiosity instead. I know though that by journaling, leaning on us (we are here for you as you have been for me & so many here so openly & willingly) and taking it one day or meal or minute at a time, you can get through this in the best way for you now. Take care, my sweet friend! xoxoxoxo  
26 Nov 13 by member: Ruhu
My heart aches for you. I think selfishly I would have your last Thanksgiving by yourselves just the two of you but that's likely unrealistic. Does he have an opinion? Could you ask the family to limit their time, to come and eat and leave early? I'm sure you've thought of every which day to do this. Bella, I just so sad for you. This is an awful time and I can't imagine what you are going through. My wish for you is that God gives you all the courage you need and peace in your heart. I wish I could put my feelings into better words. Know you are loved.  
26 Nov 13 by member: sarahsmum
I agree that you should ask DH what he would like to do for Thanksgiving - but make sure his answer isn't just to make you happy (he sounds like the loving type of man who would "let" you have a party because he thinks it would make you happy, even if he has no interest). But he may very well want to have company. You never know. It's a good sign that you are aware of your being "on the ledge" with eating because it means you can still take action. It's when we get to the denial stage in our eating where things really start to fall apart. But that's why coming on here is so important. Journaling about our day and getting feedback from buddies brings things to light that we might not see otherwise. I'm wishing you balance in things today.  
26 Nov 13 by member: evelyn64
I can't even begin to imagine how difficult all of this is for you. You are such a strong soul.  
26 Nov 13 by member: 2ManyCurves
You'll know what you have to do. Follow your gut. It will never lie to you. You're doing what is best for him and you also. If you feel family wants to see him, maybe call them, let them know the status of what's happening and kindly suggest they stop by for a MINUTE so it doesn't tire him out too much. Just an idea. (((((Bella))))))) 
26 Nov 13 by member: ClassicRocker
Your OCD makes me know we are from the same "mom"......I bet if someone else replaces the toilet paper and it doesn't roll the "right" way, you will turn it around too. lol I am so sorry you are getting to the final stage but as I'm sure you know we are ALL here when needed. Just my thought...could you stager Thanksgiving the way you did his birthday, maybe have some over for cinnamon rolls and coffee, let him rest and then have others for drinks and appetizers, he can rest again while you prepare the meal for the two of you. As I'm sure you know it is easier to breathe when calm and that goes for you too. Do not forget to care for YOU please. 
26 Nov 13 by member: 2toofat
Hey Bella. I just wanted to stop by and let you know, I hear you and am willing you more strength to cope and my sincere hope that you get through Thanksgiving and hubby manages to cope also. There is no shame in calling hospice after you get through the holiday, hon. Just follow your gut instinct to survive. He needs you to stay strong and if hospice can help... use them. 
26 Nov 13 by member: Mom2Boxers
You have such an amazing group of friends, and yes I get that that's giving myself some praise. Look at all these incredibly generous ideas. Family can be difficult - especially when they are the other side's family. But you are his most significant other and I'm glad you are granting yourself some significance in this. You know that if they all descend at once it will be tough on him and you will be left with the "fallout" for lack of a better word. Wish I were next door and could stand guard for you. I play the "bad guy" pretty well - deceptively sweet until the line is crossed and then WATCH OUT!!! I say, lock the doors, turn out the lights and tell them all you took him for one last fling in the Bahamas.... Love you, Bella. 
26 Nov 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Oh - and I TOTALLY relate to 2toofat about the toilet paper. There truly IS a right and a wrong way to load it....especially if you want me to NOT be frustrated in my own bathroom!!! hehehe 
26 Nov 13 by member: Sweet Ce
I'm glad you have found that acceptance and peace Bella. That is so important, not only for you but for DH. Personally, I would notify the family, that he just may not be here for this holiday. Ask DH if he is up to family, and it's what he wants that's important. If he wants them, then tell them that their visit will be limited because of his present condition, they have to be really quiet, and they can leave. I think what you did for his birthday was a stellar idea. It would give the family a chance to be with him, to more or less say their good-bys, and have a good memory, and giver DH one too. I would sooo stress the quietness. I'll be keeping you in my prayers dear Bella, both of you! I just told my niece this yesterday, to put it in Gods hands, and he will help you decide what to do, and he will strengthen you. Sending out as many waves of love and peace to you as I can,  
26 Nov 13 by member: pumakitten
I hope your thanksgiving is peaceful. I think you need to do whats best for you and your DH and what will make you comfortable. *big hugs* 
26 Nov 13 by member: DairyFarmersWife

     
 

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