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Here goes a journal beginning with the cliched 'I'm working thru some cr*p so read or don't read'. It does relate to 'All Things Food' as I spent most of yesterday in reflection trying to figure out what led to eating the entire 'giant' Hershey bar Saturday night and reached two conclusions:
1) I am still having trouble accepting and loving myself at any weight, period
2) I need to find a more gracious way to stick up for myself when I feel challenged
3) I need to be able to distinguish polite conversation from being challenged
4) I need to learn to count or go back and edit
It began Saturday with the theater thing. Grace had a last minute spare ticket invite to the Dallas Fair Park Summer Musical 'Nice Work if you Can get It' via Elizabeth - who, now that I think about it, probably had the two extra tickets because Bob and Polly didn't want to go with HER anymore. Yeah, that works... she's the irritating one. Ha ha.
The pros included: free ticket and I didn't have to drive. I just sat in the back and zoned out and wished I'd brought my kindle or sudoku puzzle or something. And a fan. Thankfully the weather was a little cooler Saturday as the DRIVER never asked 'are you comfortable back there' until we ARRIVED.
The cons included Grace warning me before hand that Elizabeth (and although she never offered 'Call me Liz' I'm going to do so for the rest of this rant) is a semi retired teacher and sort of stays in that mode. Grace let that drop allowing me to draw my own conclusions but feel forewarned.
Liz is in her 70's and if you've seen the movie Bridesmaids (total chic flick but a little funny nonetheless) she would sound like Helen. That murmuring relentless never changing monotonous skin scraping brain scratching voice. And whenever I said anything of which she disapproved (which seemed to be every other word) I got the 'look'. And I brought 'that look' to her attention. And Grace spent most of the day trying to separate us.
For example, we arrived at the theater around noon, I was hungry, and Grace offered to split a sandwich with me. We invited Liz as well and she responded, 'Oh, no ... thank you, I had a huge banana for breakfast and that will be plenty for me.'
So of course, the ultra sensitive about weight me, the former fat girl who's still overweight, the heaviest in the group, I took offense at that comment. Maybe she was referring to me, maybe not. I didn't give it a chance. I still take possession of all weight comments and take them to heart.
While we sat to eat, she began commenting on some of her students and their inability to interpret the metaphors, allegories and similes in the writings they're studying. I asked if she had Bradbury's (the author's) notes to confirm.
"Why?" she asked?
"Because, I write too. And sometimes people interpret my writing in a different direction than intended. Without the author's notes on the specific details, how can you possibly know whether the student is incorrect? What if... that handful of students are the few who really understands Bradbury and the rest are just following the crowd? I just don't understand how accuracy can be measured without confirmation."
That got the look. Then the comment ( murmured of course ) "You're what we call 'an out of the box thinker.'
I laughed. "Oh my ... the TEACHER look. I haven't seen that face since I was in the seventh grade! But, no, I'm not an out of the box thinker. I'm more like a box BURNER."
Grace interrupted, "Oh, look... I think it's time we go find our seats."
I took the cue. I told them I had my ticket, wanted to go to the ladies room one more time, and would find them. I went to the restroom and gave myself a talking to on minding my manners. I seriously considered stopping by the kiosk and getting a double whiskey. That would be my normal reaction to being upset. Eat or get drunk and I'd already eaten. But I did neither.
Good thing too because with a couple of snorts under my belt I would NOT have been able to hold my tongue once I found 'our seats'. We were in the freaking NOSEbleed section!! All fine.. free ticket and all.. but considering Elizabeth carried opera glasses with her SHE knew it but did not tell us. Or told Grace who didn't tell me. So the music was great but I couldn't see Sh*T! Just a tiny blurry light! Over two hours of listening to Gershwin tunes trying to imagine what the actors looked like!
On the drive home I occupied myself memorizing the playbill while chanting silently 'behave yourself... behave yourself... behave yourself' especially as she'd referred to my sandals as 'clunky'. As in 'I never understand how you women walk in those big old clunky shoes'.
We stopped for dinner. Liz chose the place and it was "The Cotton Patch" which is what I consider the modern version of "Black Eye Pea" ~ basically southern home cooking. Seriously? I wanted to screech 'Really???? Why in the HELL would I go somewhere and pay $9 for a freaking meatloaf I can make at HOME!'
I wasn't that hungry so I ordered peach cobbler with ice cream. Liz commented 'dessert, reallllly?' Maybe she didn't lag out the 'really' like that but it felt that way. I answered, "Yes, I always like to order things in restaurants I wouldn't make for myself at home and I rarely ever make a cobbler." And I'm sure her mentioning the broccoli spears she was having with her meatloaf was merely conversation; not a slight against me.
So I realize, more work to be done on my 'weight issues'. But the stake in the heart of this friendship was when she asked what I did before I retired to run my own business. When I explained I worked for XYZ Corporation for 25 years on a multitude of software, computer, training, testing and accounting issues she replied, 'So you're actually smart?'
Whaaat? Of course I'm smart. After all... that's all this FAT girl has going for her, lady.. Brains! Forgive the heck out of me if I dangled my participle!
So as I said yesterday, we won't be hanging out together any time soon. I am considering getting season tickets to the Fair Park Winter Musicals as it is a nice place. But MINE will be GOOD seats. And I won't be inviting Ms. Banana Breakfast, ever.
Working through all of this, figuring out what all played out in reality versus in my own demented mind, I caught myself glancing at a young lady at the Walmart yesterday then quickly looking away. She was overweight but not morbidly obese. But she was wearing very unflattering clothing (jeans way too tight causing her stomach to billow over the waist accented by a very thin clingy blouse) that emphasized her weight instead of camouflaging it. I immediately judged 'she shouldn't wear that' and then yelled at myself, 'Shut UP Bella. Maybe she's HAPPY and HEALTHY and confident, all things you are NOT. Work on your OWN sh*t and leave others alone!'
So I drove home connecting the dots between my defensiveness Saturday and my wanting to protect that young lady from the judgement of others when *I* am the one judging. Judging myself ... still feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Feeling the need to come out, fists swinging at every weight comment.
Still work to do. I am not sure how I could have salvaged the theater, nosebleed seat situation nor do I feel I'll need to anymore. Grace has probably learned I don't make new friends well and may give up on trying to mix me in with general populations. I doubt I'll have to deal with Liz again. And if I am invited again to anything else, I'll just make sure I have an escape route.
Oh, wait, I just remembered. They did invite me to 'ladies night out' with their church group. Liz assured me 'not to worry, we don't discuss church' and I responded, "that's okay, Liz.. I HAVE been to a church a time or two.. I can follow the topics."
We'll see. I DO need to meet more people. I wanted to go somewhere Thursday and the two different people I invited wouldn't go. I need a longer list of possibilities. But I will drive my own car. And I plan on getting a 'cat'. A fictitious sick cat. Or a sick 'Aunt Edna'. I need my escape route. Or carry a flask. Or both.
And that's it for my journal today. I've actually started this twice and my system rebooted on me (not FS, my own laptop) so it's actually shorter than it was the first time. Believe it or not.
Bella
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 Comments
I believe that you did very well in the situation you were in. I hope that I could have been so polite back in the face of such rudeness! (not likely though) There are people that do not judge, and there are people that aren't so stuck on themselves that they do not see the true person sitting in front of them. Sounds to me she has issues and needs to reflect them onto someone else to make herself feel better.
Have a better week Bella! Can only get better
08 Sep 14 by member: nanny2hyli
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Bella!!! I think you handled everything beautifully! That retired school teacher was just plain RUDE! You were polite and you did speak up when she made her snide remarks and you did it with grace and humor. You don't need people like her in your "circle" ... that's for sure. It's good of Grace to get you out of the house but even Grace has to admit that "school teacher" was very narrow-minded. You are too much fun for that old biddy. :)
08 Sep 14 by member: Mom2Boxers
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You should stop thinking about yourself as large since you lost so much weight. When you see yourself in the mirror you should see the new skinnier you, not the old Bella. I had your weight when I started my weight loss. I always wore what I wanted. I just liked my belly and my knees to be covered (the problem areas). I wore and still wear tight jeans and shirts with confidence.
08 Sep 14 by member: snezica
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I, too, think you did amazingly well given the circumstances. Plus, you learned the lesson from the experience and know what you want to focus on next. I, also like you, am sensitive to any weight or eating comments -- real or that I think are real. It comes so easy to think negatively of ourselves. My therapist had recommended to just notice when it happens, label it as my disordered eating voice speaking & re-frame it as I would when speaking to others with kindness & compassion. xoxox
08 Sep 14 by member: Ruhu
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In my humble opinion, you did a remarkable job at constraint. I use to help some girls do their homework that became teachers. I don't think most teachers are any smarter than other people. Maybe they just had to work harder to get their degrees, or took longer. She could be trying to cover up her own insecurities by being rude to other people. I am very sensitive about my weight, never got a "thick skin" about that issue. So, I try hard to think other people would not be so ignorant as to make snarky comments, that it was my imagination thinking a comment was directed at me. She deserves her own company. You, obviously, have better things to do and other people to be with who totally enjoy your company. I like your plan.
08 Sep 14 by member: kattay
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Liz sounds like an unpleasant piece of work. I've found that overtly critical people are really insecure unhappy people- they turn all that negativity out and for a second or two they feel superior. She wasn't trying to be your friend so there's no loss there. Shake off the bad vibes. You have so much to offer a genuine friend- one who encourages and supports....secretly miss meatloaf broccoli was wishing she had peach cobbler.
08 Sep 14 by member: sharonfriz
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You did better than I would have. Liz would have gotten a quick "STFU and don't say another word to me. Ever." Of course what I DON'T share with you is the ability to restrain myself, and the "need to meet more people". I know plenty of people. Too many. Though I have to say I have trained them all well. NEVER call me. Email me, text me, NEVER call me. I don't talk on the phone. I honestly don't know why, other than I am a total nerd and gadget geek, I even need a smart phone. I will never get an email that is so important it won't wait until I get home, and I rarely answer the phone at all. ( I answer for exactly 3 people. The rest can leave me a voice mail. And if you are not in my contacts, your call is blocked.) But Liz in an annoying tool and should just stay home and die with her dozen cats. Everybody is different, and that makes for a fun world. It's just that "different" doesn't have a place at Eddie's table. I'll know if you belong at my table in the first 2 minutes after we meet. If you DO get a seat, I will give my life to spare yours. If you don't get a seat, I will use you as a human shield if it comes to that. No gray areas with me. To steal a punch line, "But other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how'd you like the play?"
08 Sep 14 by member: eddie1261
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This one may have done it for me ..... it could be time!
08 Sep 14 by member: 2toofat
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Oooh, I have a hard time biting my tongue - especially with teachers. (Of which I am a private one. I have to be able to make something happen.) Bella, I think that should be printed, bound, and sold as a novel. :) Oh, by the way. Box? What box is this you're speaking of?
08 Sep 14 by member: northernmusician
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Oh, yeah. Free tickets are never free. Remember that for next time.
08 Sep 14 by member: northernmusician
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That woman was totally infuriating. You survived being plunged into that situation with a lot of dignity. I am wondering if you are planning to go to the 'ladies night out' with Liz and her church group? I certainly hope not. That would be like staying after school for punishment.
09 Sep 14 by member: Deb_N
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Bella, getting out is good even, I imagine, in the company of annoying people. IMHO (and believe me, I have a LOT of experience), people like Ms. Banana breakfast that make such comments are making a statement about themselves (since they're all about themselves anyway), not you. Sharon's so right. Insecure and unhappy people do feel superior in their negativity. In the evening, I'll ask my sister whether she ate that day and she'll tell me, "Yes, I had three grapes." Now how ridiculous is that?!?!? I'll tell her that she really needs to have three meals a day to maintain her health. And she screams that she will not be force fed. Whatever. Yesterday she texted me that she hadn't realized "in [my] unending wisdom" that I'd sent someone an email. Unending wisdom? I took it as a dig. I probably should have just seen it for the ludicrous statement that it was. Infuriating indeed. Just think, I get to hear it daily. Maybe, if you have a smartphone, you can make sure you have some app or something to get you through the boredom. I imagine you always have your cell phone even if you don't have your kindle. The important thing to me is that you stop judging, being harsh on yourself. Don't forget our bullying quote. Hugs!
09 Sep 14 by member: Helewis
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A friend of mine was just saying that she doesn't GET passive-aggressive people. She considers herself aggressive-aggressive. hehehe. Well, I don't usually GET the passive-aggressive types, either. And the snide, underhanded comments can either irk me or fly right past me because I just do NOT work that way. It's OK, though, neither of us needs to be friends with everyone in this world. For me, hearing the judgmental voice is good, giving it too much credence or energy just feeds it. I hope your humor is always there to get you through those times when you haven't got an escape - or a flask. Be well, Miss Bella.
09 Sep 14 by member: Sweet Ce
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OK, we know you're smart, but you can't count. The next time I order a cobbler, I'm going to remember ". . . I always like to order things in restaurants I wouldn't make for myself at home and I rarely ever make a cobbler." Oh, Bella, you crack me up! Kings of old used to fatten up their wives because she was seen as a trophy of beauty and affluence. I think George Bernard Shaw said it best,"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office." If you lost all the weight you wanted to lose, would you then feel like a perfect person? Would you want to be part of the same snobby group that you detest now? Of course not. You are defining yourself by your waistline and then lashing out at those who you think are doing the same. Give people an opportunity to see how beautiful you really are by your intelligence and your personality. And if the jerks you encounter don't see it, screw em (not literally, of course). This is just an earth suit we inhabit; it doesn't make us who we are. We want to do the best we can while we're in it, but it's all going to go south on us eventually anyway.
09 Sep 14 by member: DairyKing
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We are our own worst critics, yes, Bella. I love your list. Be yourself and we'll keep on tryin' to learn to love whatever that is or is becoming.... you continue to inspire me. Onward.
09 Sep 14 by member: kclab
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Catching up on the comments my dear friends leave me for ~ yeah, all in all.. I think she was impolite but she's 20 years older than me and I feel myself getting crankier every year so I'll likely be just as annoying by then too. I think Grace is trying to pawn me off with new friends... at least.. that's how it feels. OR she's trying to find me a 'widow' friend who understands what I've been thru (as her husband is still living) but the issue is there aren't many 50 year old (ish) widows out there for me to 'buddy up'. Regardless of age.. I don't want to be around snobs, period. I wonder if the 'witchy' part of these widows I keep meeting is from years of suspecting people trying to take advantage. Or maybe I've just met two now who I don't like. I don't know. It'll happen. Until then.. I have my dear wonderful friends here. Thank you all.
10 Sep 14 by member: FullaBella
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