FullaBella's Journal, 21 August 2013

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Continued countdown to one year anniversary of making peace with both food and myself. Definitely need a good self reinforcement as I'm totally faded today thanks to the midnight airport running fiasco. My stomach is growling and I'm craving sugar of course regardless of the very healthy and filling ham, egg & cheese wrap I had for breakfast. So I'm pushing the water and keeping my hand out of the candy bowl as that will lead to 'nogoodsville' in a jiffy.

Oh, and look here, my own self awarded gold star for NOT crumbling to the shouting pleas from my grumbling stomach over the oh so heavenly smell of the Whataburger cheeseburgers being consumed in my car by the passengers on the ride home. I had a trifecta of triggers going on: exhaustion, actual hunger, and a bit of emotional aggravation yet didn't give in to those just because it was convenient. Yay me.

Now I just need to stay on the 'star track' today too, get a good nights rest, and wake up tomorrow free of any need to have to forgive myself. Go team Bella - we got this :-)

Forgive the narcissism but I'm having to be my personal cheerleader today - this visiting SD & GS are ... sigh... a complete emotional challenge.

But I'll save that rant for another day. I need to focus because they just ordered PIZZA. Gah! I don't want pizza. I don't need pizza. I want some wonderful tuna with pickles, onions and mayo. Yup.. that's what I'll get when I'm really hungry not just tired & smelling hot cheese pizza.

Something new to add to my 'noticeable changes' on my monthly recognition list but I'm going to share it today while it's still on what's left of my mind. I happily broke down another 'food partnership' completely by accident: BUTTER. More specifically, SALTED butter.

I love butter. Hot cornbread with butter. Corn with butter. Hot biscuits with butter. Flour tortillas with butter. Tortilla chips dipped in melted whipped butter. Get the picture?

When I journaled yesterday about 'there still being foods I cannot seem to eat mindfully with portion control' that would include these. Foods with butter.

So as I was about to rationalize and calculate calories mentally on having a second serving of cornbread yesterday the Angel of Mindful Eating kicked in and told me to figure out 'what are you craving because you know you're not hungry.'

Butter. Not the cornbread. BUT ... not just any butter. SALTED butter. I tell ya, I could eat Land O'Lakes salted butter the way some people eat Ice Cream.

I had some organic unsalted butter in the fridge and tried a spoon of it. Meh... not the Tango on my Tongue I'd been expecting.

So NOW... I know... whenever I'm craving butter I'm really just craving something salty. Yay! And with that, the allure of the cornbread, biscuits, etc., just faded away to dust.

This reminded me of the time I figured out (and why I was able to survive the cheeseburgers in the car last night) that I really just craved the grilled onions & mustard, not the meat & bun.

Reflecting on my 'weight loss' in the past I recognize two factors leading to my failure was, FOR ME, how I approached food and what I was eating.

In my day, or at least, in my world, in my history, food has ALWAYS been the enemy.

Food was the enemy because obviously it was the reason I was fat and therefore the enemy was to avoided when I was trying to lose weight. So I never discussed food that much. Oh, sure, I discussed low fat, no fat, what's the best way to fill up and not out ... but ... I still felt food was the villain and not to be trusted. Especially REAL food. What, are you nuts?

And when I was denying myself and starving my weight off, I was still wrapped in the endless cycle of eating low calorie and low fat and of course the 'make grains the base of your meals' and being a raving lunatic because I was hungry and miserable. So then I'd have my 'cheat day' and go cookie crumbling crazy.

In retrospect, I was keeping my palate confused and the ability to love the taste of pure unprocessed food at bay. I would watch shows like 'Iron Chef' and think those food judges were nothing but a group of pretentious snobs because they could tell the difference between a prune and a fig by taste alone. 'Eh, this show is rigged I tell ya!'

This time around, processed foods eliminated as much as possible, I felt like a lotto winner when I actually guessed my lamb chops at dinner the other night had a slight coating of Dijon mustard. The chef was impressed and said 'you have a very sophisticated palate.' Sure, he was likely kissing my butt and hoping for a tip but those were two word never used to describe me in my life. Sophisticated Palate? Who woulda thought?

I still haven't developed a palate sophisticated enough to appreciate wine nor do I think I will. One day at a time, right?

As always, thank you for reading.

Bella

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Comments

Bella, I have been reading your journal for months now. I enjoy your writing, I think you are very insightful, and aware of what is going on around you at all times. Not to mention how interesting. I have to say one thing. I am no expert, but what are we here for if we cant help each other by giving opinions from the outside looking in, right?? Ok, here it goes. You need to stop sabotiaging(sp?) yourself. I used to do that by thinking about food way toooo much. I realized I was focusing on eating the wrong things. So what if the people around you are eating pizza? And, so what if they are eating hamburgers? You better not watch tv then, because almost every commercial is something good to eat, but bad for your body. You have to make the decision, and make it final. You are JUST NOT GOING TO EAT THAT STUFF ANYMORE. The decision to not treat my body like a trash can anymore, was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, but I stick to it. NO MATTER WHAT. You can do it too. And, butter, forget about it. Dont have it in the house if its a struggle. It is the early death in my mind to me. Just not worth it! LOL Hope I didnt offend you with my honesty, but I appreciate your input too. PAULA

21 Aug 13 by member: paulacolette

Paula, you didn't offend me at all. Maybe the clarity of my message I was hoping to convey in my journal today is muddy because of my sleep deprivation. So let me try again in answer to your comments because they are greatly appreciated. I feel, FOR ME, my lifelong weight issues were a result of not thinking about food enough. Reread above where I always considered food the enemy. NOW, now that I think about food and my relationship with it, especially in terms of my mindful eating and the mantra that saved my life via 'eat what you love, love what you eat' - I am finally sorting out food with gusto and enthusiasm. When I see a food commercial that ignites my mouth to watering I wonder 'what is it that I want? Am I really hungry? Or am I just craving it because I remember it to taste 'this way'. Admit it, pizza and cheeseburgers SMELL freaking fantastic and on TV they make them look so flipping delicious. But then the ones you get AT the fast food restaurant are nothing like the picture, smashed, cold and usually crap wrapped in paper. And pizza, I can have pizza if I'm hungry and that's what I choose to eat to satisfy my hunger but I was commenting on it above because I'd just shared that I was tired and often when I'm tired I'll want to eat not because I'm hungry but because I'm tired so here comes some great smelling pizza when I was journaling and I just mentioned it. Now, Butter... what I was trying to share was I finally understood the allure of butter to me being the salt. And by finally understanding THAT craving I made peace with butter. I Don't think pizza is trash - there are some really good healthy pizzas. I don't think butter is early death. And a good homemade grilled burger with onions really hits the spot. I was sharing that I didn't give into emotions and triggers masking as a reason to eat. So again, I appreciate your comments because it gave me an opportunity to clarify the objective of my journal for anyone else who may think I'm being misguided and obsessive about food as well. Have a great day! Bella

21 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella

I find myself obsessing about food/diet/weight loss very frequently, specially now that I'm on a plateau. I wish I could learn how to have a lighter relationship with all this and live my life just happy that I'm becoming healthier and face the weight loss as a consequence of that! As for the trigger foods, I'm more challenged when things get out of my control, not any special type of food. People at work are having cake? I went to dinner at an all you can eat buffet? I always cave. There's something I need to learn too... (PS: your journal today was very clear to me!)

21 Aug 13 by member: Re Becca

Everything in moderation, and that includes pizza, butter,ice cream whatever.

21 Aug 13 by member: cjmurph

Becca - I agree - when or if I was only obsessed about the scale moving I'd wear myself out thinking 'was it that cookie? am I getting enough protein, not enough fat..' and on and on. And you are exactly right - we all have to learn to be happier that we are being eating healthier and the weight loss will either be a much appreciated side effect for us or not. When I first joined FS I put my goal weight at 150 as that's usually my 'lowest weight' but eventually I grew so knotted looking at that freaking yellow line I moved it to a 5lb goal and now I just put my goal at whatever weight I am today. I conquered the 'all you can eat buffet' with what I consider 'visual fulfillment' the time I was face to face with the 'dessert' section early in my journey. I forced myself to sit still, sip coffee, and visually smell and taste every single dessert for a minimum of an hour. I would wonder if the light brown cupcake was milk chocolate or butterscotch. Was that lemon or vanilla frosting. Were those nuts pecans or walnuts in the fudge. I wondered if the fudge would be dry and crumble in my mouth (my favorite) so that it melted easier or was moist and chewy like a brownie. The longer I did that, the less I really wanted to eat. I felt like I'd experienced the entire buffet and never lifted a fork. From that moment on the AYCEB no longer threatened me. Maybe you can try it?

21 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella

Cj - yup. I used to disagree on that with regards to salad and fresh vegetables though --- until I finally got it. I finally realized that to over consume a 10gallon hat of salad was still overeating. By getting the portion sizes down regardless of the food I can eat and have my hunger satisfied by all foods I love. Whenever I find myself wanting too much of something - like the butter - I make myself stop and wonder why. So of all things in moderation, for now, my journal will not comply. I plan to binge & purge my thoughts until all the junk is gone :-)

21 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella

Congrats on the victory over the burger - I hope you have the same success with the pizza and whatever other offensive foods your company orders in during their visit. I remember my former days of dieting much like you recalled - filled with tasteless, mind numbing goo that no one in their right mind would eat unless they were on a diet. Real food was a big no-no. It's funny how the diet culture has evolved, though. We may have a better handle on what is or isn't healthy but we still have the same old weight problems. Makes you wonder. Wine is definitely an acquired taste - I never used to like it. But, then, I was also only exposed to the cheap stuff growing up and it wasn't until more recently that I have been introduced to some "good stuff". Plus, not all wines are good to just sip on their own. To be truly appreciated you have to drink them with a meal. The correct pairing can really transform a meal. Maybe try out a wine tasting where they pair the wines with different courses of a meal. I have done a couple of those and they are truly mind blowing. No lie. And I'm no wine snob. I love how you can break down your cravings and figure out the root of what you were yearning for. I think I could benefit from some similar sleuthing if I could just remember to take the time to think about it before I eat it!

21 Aug 13 by member: evelyn64

Funny, my partner says corn bread (or restaurant bread) is just a place to put butter. :o) I've always had an affinity for figuring out what makes that taste like it does; I attribute it to my almost canine sense of smell. I shudder when I think back to all the flavor nuances and delights I missed during binges; practically remote eating. Gack! I can enjoy a food by sniffing it (not always socially acceptable, ha!), know that my own pizza will taste better; learning as we go. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, experiences., insights; yourself with all of us. Sleepy, more when awake....

21 Aug 13 by member: crabby Kat

You get one of the world famous Kingkeld Gold Stars for working out that you really want salt when you feel like eating bread. Nice work! I can see how this can help in SO many situations and save you SO much trouble. Personally, I have pretty much cut out all bread, unless it's from a pizza or something, and that's a rare guest too. I have realized how little bread benefits my goals, and I just don't miss it. We had a fun talk in my class the other day about how people eat sandwiches all the time, but choose the low mayo, the chicken breast, the ham with no cheese to keep them low-cal. The trouble is usually not with whatever is IN the sandwich, it's the 400+ calories of bread that is surrounding it. I'm proud of you for seeing that working on your salt craving doesn't mean muching breads. :) Have an awesome day!

22 Aug 13 by member: kingkeld

Bella, don't you find that removing the processed foods makes a great difference in what and how much you can eat, and what you crave? Doing great, girl. Have a fantastic day.

22 Aug 13 by member: Helewis

congratulations on all you've learned. and, (tired of this yet?) thanks for generously sharing your lessons.... love to you, Ce

22 Aug 13 by member: Sweet Ce

Evelyn - you're right - the diet culture has evolved but there are more overweight people than ever; chicken or egg? Something to consider. Wine - you just made me realize something: I used to drink and like wine all the time when I ate processed food. Perhaps my palate was so screwed up I couldn't really taste 'good from bad'. So my conclusion now is the Pinot they served me that night had turned and they were pushing it off on me but as I've only had wine twice in the past year I hadn't thought of the taste of it changing along with the say I feel so much restaurant food is too salty now. Interesting. Thank you.