jsfantome's Journal, 21 June 2013

I suppose it's time for an explanation. I am truly sorry for just disappearing off the site - but a hypocrite, I am not.

This past year, and losing my Mom - well, it was simply too much. As if my brain could only focus on a certain number of things at one time, I just couldn't fight the depression and the grief - and give a rip about food, or weightloss, or anything really... I gave up.

I tried to get back on track. For a day... sometimes a week... joined Curves... stopped. Started back on low carb... stopped. It all sucked really!

I don't know what I weigh. And I don't really care. I feel fat. I look fat when I look in the mirror. (to me anyway.) And in general my clothing sizes are back to where they were when I started. So, 185? 190? 205? WHATEVER! I just don't care.

It's more work and more effort than I can muster...

I'm turning 50 in a few weeks. Totally depressed and mad at myself that I didn't do the work it took to be where I wanted to be at this milestone birthday.

Still grieving my Mom, and missing her MORE THAN EVER!

One day I will care again. But in all honesty - today ain't it.

Please just hear my heart... SO MANY of you have loved me, cared about me, befriended me... and given of yourself - support and encouragement. And I so appreciate it. It's not this site...or the people here to help... it's me. It's my life and my hurts, and my inability to stay in control. I will get there - sooner or later - I will get back to the strong woman with great determination...but until then...thank you for caring!

Much Love,
Paula
on diet jsfantome's own diet  

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I hear you, Paula. Work through it and come back to us. I can't imagine your grief but understand. Take little steps forward as you can. Big Hugs! 
21 Jun 13 by member: Mom2Boxers
Paula, I was seriously just thinking about you when this posted. I've been in the same boat and just recently came back to FS. My life spun out of control and I finally said enough is enough and started taking back my control. It actually took my work to push all of us into a healthy BMI that started my journey to self recovery. One of the programs that were available to us was counseling, I took that because it was free, but I found that my eating problems ran far deeper than just will power. It has helped me understand a lot of things that in some way I knew were there but also got me the tools to deal with it. Have you talked to anyone about your grief? Keep a private journal so you can let out all those feelings. Please come back to the Paula that we all love and care about. It hurts my heart to hear you like this. I will try to be here for you in any way that I can. Love you girl. 
21 Jun 13 by member: davidsmom
Paul, I love you. I hear you. I know how much it hurts to lose your mum. She lived with you and was your friend and companion and your focus for so many years. No wonder you miss her, there is a big empty whole in your life where she was. So take as long as you need. It doesn't matter what you weight - to us - we love you for who you are. Fat/skinny/blue or pink, we just love you, the essence of you, not the size of your pants! And turning 50 - holy cow, that's a biggie to be going through when you are already depressed but having survived that too, I am here to tell you that it is just another day. The day after your birthday you will still be you, there is no magic to the number. Take care of yourself and come back to chat as often as you like. Don't worry about dieting, we don't care, we just want to hear how you are and hopefully you will find your spirits life a little every time you see something silly that we say or humorous that we say. Its a fun place most of the time. Big, big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx 
21 Jun 13 by member: sarahsmum
thank you for your compassion! I can definitely feel the love... xoxo 
21 Jun 13 by member: jsfantome
Hey girl..Losing someone as close to you as you were to your mother..is not an easy thing to deal with..Its been a little over 5 years since my mother passed and I still miss her..you never really forget them..but as time goes by it does get easier...It also helps me to visit her new home on her birthday..mothers day etc...I talk to her as if she was alive when I do ..and I can just hear her talk back..Hang in there sweetie...Love and Hugs...:O) 
21 Jun 13 by member: BHA
so happy to see your picture on the top of my buddy list.i do totally know how you feel.i lost my dad in November(5 days before my birthday)there have been too many friends and relatives passing lately.i gave up for awhile too.now I am back on here with my daughter.we are going walking today.i believe if you start eating better and moving more you might just feel better by the time you turn 50.we all have faith in you and love and miss you. 
21 Jun 13 by member: rockytu
50 is OK, I turned it last year. Next Thursday I will be 51. I hope you have a good year, mine changed my life for the better - the 50th year. Sorry about the loss of your mother. Mine is ill now, she has had cancer over two years now. The only thing is I didn't realize at 50 I was entering the 'golden' years. Dear heavens, I don't feel THAT old, but I know so many young people who were acquaintances, or friends, or former co-workers who passed away very young... so I realize I am lucky to even get this far. I looked up an old friend a month ago, knew him twenty years ago... I looked everywhere in the past. He had a unique name, and he passed in 2000 at age 45. He passed in Pennsylvania, where he grew up; I knew him in California. Oh, well. Take care of yourself and get back on track and journal all that stress out. I need to start doing it on my journal. 
21 Jun 13 by member: GlennM
I am so glad you posted a journal. So many people disappear and you don't know why. I totally understand how you feel... A milestone birthday soon... Your mum would want you to look after yourself and get to a place, where you are happy. She will know you ar missing her, but wold want you to get on with life and enjoy what time you have left. Life is precious xxx 
21 Jun 13 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
Oh Paula, so great to hear from you, but so sorry for your loss! No one loves us like our Moms, losing them is so, so difficult. (Mine is still alive, 85 years old, but has Alzheimer's, so i'm losing her slowly.) Please know you're in my thoughts & prayers. Hang in there & take care of you! You will know when the time is right & we will be here for you. The number on the scale nor your age matters here... it is what's in your heart, & yours is of gold! xoxoxo 
21 Jun 13 by member: Ruhu
One of these days it will just "feel right" to start again. Just take one step at a time - that is all one can do. Miss you!  
21 Jun 13 by member: BuffyBear
Paula, I could have written your post! I lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago and went into a very dark time of mourning and depression. Just as I was starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, I lost my dad (this past January). Grief is a curious thing - although it no longer feels like a freight train running over me, there are still moments when I get hit in the gut. So my advice? Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving, and do not judge yourself. Blessings to you! 
21 Jun 13 by member: cozyOK
HUGS, Paula. Something tells me that we'll be here when you come back. You're in my thoughts. 
21 Jun 13 by member: Helewis
I am not close to my mother - it is her doing. She is difficult and always has been. The conversations with her got so negative, I had to stop talking to her. She is basically an atheist,she showed little caring toward me as a child - lots of cruelty as their was nothing to answer to or for in her actions, my father was no better - my mom was the kind that go on HBO and have shows that mock everything, with much hatred and ill will towards others. I don't want to be that way. I don't need it. But I understand if you are close to your mother. My mother is already gone, she never was much of a mother to me. I know the loss will be hard on me, but I can't talk with her anymore. She will tell me to f off if I tell her the truth that my younger sister and her hubby are drinking and smoking their money away (and likely drugs too since they don't pay the rent and can't get thrown out as it is Section 8 and she has a kid). She delights in glee when an seemingly innocent person goes to jail, while one who is obviously guilty she also is happy if they get away with murder. I don't know this cold-hearted woman. I really don't, so I can't talk with her anymore. She is full of anger and rage, and there is no answer for it. I gave her a birthday card last week, and my father a father's day card and I stopped and talked with him a few minutes. I can't change my parents to be who I want or wanted them to be - they are who they are. I have friends who lost parents they were very close to and years later it still hurts. A cousin lost her husband going on seven years and she told me last year it still is not real to her (he had a heart attack at age 55) at work. Be grateful for your mother. Did she do something that you can now carry on? Did she volunteer, what is something you can do to make your mom proud as if she was still here? I hope you have dreams of her - one grandmother has visited me four or five times in dreams, the other a few times. Take care.  
22 Jun 13 by member: GlennM
there was nothing above -typo. 
22 Jun 13 by member: GlennM
Good morning Paula...........It will pass in time and being on track will b the next right thing.......I appreciate your honesty..I've been there and I promise you will find your way back if you haven't all ready, today............another 24.........what r we going to do with it? Keep on helping others as you have been doing and fill your thoughts up with gratitude.......thank you for being you. Lanie 
22 Jun 13 by member: Lanie Reed

     
 

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