thenester's Journal, 21 July 2018

I know what you are going through. My husband is 5"5 and weighs 340. When I found out in May I had type two diabetes on May I started walking and changed my way of eating, he isn't going to change his way of eating and he has a desk job so he isn't getting any exercise. I keep telling myself, this is my journey not his. I can't make him do anything, I just am trying to lead by example. I do fix separate meals for us. He sees me losing weight and how much better I feel. I hope things get better for you and him.  

I haven't any advice, only support and encouragement. Sure hope the situation improves and your husband starts taking care of himself. ❤ 

Seriously: Here's my best advice -I know it's long but see if any of this fits. It took a scare for me to get in action and I don't want that to be my husband's beginning too. I'm in similar place with hubby and have been in this place in 2 other ways as well. Has to do with who he is not who I/you are. First was money and it was one of the hardest things to get at the time. It took me getting really ok with him exactly as he is and exactly as he isn't and accepting him completely and then being willing to love him exactly as he is and exactly as he isn't. Once I really got that for myself, I was able to let go of any upset around him and money. And I told him so, clearly and fully. I don't think he understood at first but over the next week he must have thought about it consciously or unconsciously because after a week he came to me and started a new conversion about money that I thought I'd never hear. I was amazed that only in my true acceptance of him was he able to create something new. Like he wasn't having to fight against me about it anymore and so had the energy to have new thoughts. The second thing is TV -as I see it he was addicted and still is, but it has changed. It came about through random opportunity - our TV broke and and I was prepared and said NO we are not replacing it. You can watch on your phone or at a friend's if it is that important to you. It's important for me NOT to have a TV on all the time and we've had it on for over 20 years. It's my turn. There was more conv than that but basically now he is on his phone watching TV all the time but it's no longer in my face and when I ask him to he gets off it and does stuff with me. He's next to me now watching something about football with earphones in of course. With food I'm in the process and here's where we are: I've made it clear that I don't want foods in the house that don't fit my WOE if they are foods I like, and I won't buy them any more and if they come into the house I will throw them away:) So I'm fine if he wants coconut anything because I don't like coconut - but I'm not cooking it he'll have to. So when he is with me, he eats my way or does it himself. And I love that and I'm happy with that and he sees that it doesn't bother me at all because I'm doing it for myself and because I love him and think it will make a big difference for him too. So no fights, no upsets because I don't react to any drama - I just smile and say I love you and this is just the way it is now. If you want to spend more money and eat crap, do it work or on your way home. So far he does that but at home he is really enjoying my foods now and we have nothing in the house that isn't on my plan except cereal, some condiments I don't like and coconut chocolate that he eats when I have my desserts. I know he will do whatever he wants and he hasn't hit his rock bottom. And I know that 1) his rock bottom will be SO much easier for him to see if the difference between my happiness and his discomfort physically is that much clearer and 2) if there is no energy being spent dealing with me being upset with him for stuff he will use that mental energy for something and I keep the conversation about our health and happiness so it is on his mind more to think about. Hope somehow this is useful. It took a lot of discovery and learning to let go of having these things be about fixing him or manipulating him and really truly have them be about loving myself and loving him and wanting us to have amazing lives together.  

I understand your frustration and sorrow. My daughter struggles (300+ even with bariatric surgery), but she's an adult so all I can do is watch helplessly as she eats candy bars and complains that nothing she tries works. It breaks my heart because it was my job to build the foundation of healthy habits when she was a child and I failed.  

This is a good place to 'vent' :) I find that I get very emotional if I think that my wife is doing anything that I 'feel' will make me a 'widower' in the future. People will say I am being unreasonable, but I did not get married to be 'alone' in my old age. Now, accidents do happen, but it can make me angry if my spouse does something dangerous I think is 'preventable'. The thing that helps alleviate this somewhat is that I know that I also do some of the same things. I justify my actions by saying "I am an adult", or "I need to have some freedom", or "What I am doing is not that bad". 

it is a difficult situation and you feel helpless because cannot help him. he has to decide "enough" and want to change for it to occur. my enough came about when my left leg started bothering to the point of limping and i figured I would not be able to walk soon so this is my 3 1/2 month keto. bear in mind my cardiologist had told me i wouldnt live long with my overweight and that didnt motivate enough. i feel for you but this is so hard for us too. it is not easy to start, to change, often is lack of self love and so many other issues . just let him know every day you love him. sorry i cant help.. 

for me, my hunny has a bad back from an old work injury. I started eating better and would nag him occasionally and he followed suit. I must admit though, he tends to listen to me and this wasn't very hard. I think it helps that I work in the medical field and am able to see and show.the consequences of inaction. I can tell the heartbreak of strokes, heart attack, diabetes etc. its one thing to hear about it in general. it's another to have specific information. I have been watching a British show on YouTube to keep me motivated as well. its called supersized vs superskinny. highly recommend. also, I know keto is working for you but it is probably the worst diet for your husband. if you refuse to change and he refuses to cook it seems like a recipe for disaster. I do not think its your responsibility to make him make better decisions but unfortunately I know when it comes to men its the only way things get done. 

sometimes there is nothing you can do. Since he is on medication, which I don't know what it is and whether keto would help it or any diet, he in the long run has to decide. If he has been instructed to eat differently and is not interested you can not change the fact. But it is very good that he enjoys your meals you make for the two of you. I don't make things my husband won't enjoy. But so far unless I try a recipe out that does not work he is happy, either way he does not complain. He said last night when neither of us liked the test recipe that I would not know unless I experimented. He actually wants to eat lighter. so this all works out. If your husband is enjoying your meals and this causes him less calories and better food choices in the evening meal that is a win. Even if he goes for non keto desert. If he was not eating your healthy meals, he would be eating a meal that more than likely is not healthy AND eating the wrong dessert or snack. It sounds like he is getting an improvement in his diet even if it may not go far enough. My husband works hard, very physical job and I don't decry his need for a treat. In fact I guess I could say I facilitate his sweet tooth. When I go to the store to get things mid week and I see something he truly loves that he does not get often I will grab it for him. He has does have more refined products than I would like, but he also needs the calories for his activities. So I have a different thought process on this than maybe many others do. I think you have truly modified his diet greatly already. Healthy salads for lunch, healthy dinner, and he eats it. That is a big win win in reducing his unhealthy foods for 2 meals a day. No one can make another person do what they are unwilling to do. You may find that he will learn to like your keto deserts eventually. I am guessing you are to a stage where you may be playing with a few recipes for yourself. take the big wins. He may slide over to your side of things more as he gets to test drive the new way of eating all on his own.  

So, have you told him this? I don't want to be a widow! The wine has to go. Has he been checked for fatty liver as well as all the other conditions? So what if he is sensitive. You want what's best for him. Tell him you are on his side. Ultimately, he must make the final decision. If you are the only cook, who is buying the fruit and cereal?  

I think the best way is to let him read what you just wrote here - I wonder if you have been that honest (including the anger) when you talk with him. He needs to hear how you really feel and WHY - because you LOVE him and want him in your life for a long time to come! Good luck and I hope he hears you 

and that is why I need you - FS community. You have all given me some very honest straight-forward advice that makes sense. I know - because I was a counsellor for 20 years, that I can't make him do anything... I think I will sit him down soon and read him what I wrote - likely Tuesday evening so he has time to pout about it before next weekend. Probably the act of writing it organized my thoughts to the point that I can do it. I did make a chief cook's decision at dinner tonight - I got cheese sauce on my broccoli and spicy mayo on my meatloaf - he got neither - I intentionally only put out enough for me. If there had been cheese sauce available for him, he'd have put it on everything - and twice what anyone else would take. Being on KETO I need the fats - he does not - therefore I will not enable him to overdo it. I've also decided that I will serve his plate up on Mondays when the kids (grown children) are here for dinner - usually he does his own. I serve him up when it's just the two of us so he can like it or lump it. I'm not sure where the dessert comment came from - I rarely serve dessert. The cereal and fruit he has for breakfast - if I didn't buy them he would - and he'd buy them one box/package at a time, not minding when things are on sale and likely only stopping at a pricey grocery store - just because it would bug me. He says he can't do eggs more than once a week - and what else would he eat... He does snack in the evening - usually nachos and salsa - saying salsa is healthy - and it is healthier than some choices, but I'm going to review the recommended serving of both and point it out to him. I'm also considering booking an appointment for "us" to visit the dietician at our Doctor's office - we go to the same clinic but different doctors - I think I can get him to go because after all it was his high blood pressure that just put him on more meds. Thank you @nikeit @Erquaiga @baskingston @blasphemouspagen @LaFlacaPerfecta @adefwebserver @conicassity 

I felt similar and one day it just hit me that I didn’t like my weight and how my clothes fit. What my oncologist said started making more sense. I’m doing better but still not great as far as eating habits. Hubby looked around him and realized he outweighed family members who were 4” taller. He has always been the ‘fit’ one and it bothered him to realize he wasn’t anymore. He went to he dr at my urging and was advised to try medafast. He did a medafast diet twice and was able to get off his blood pressure meds. He has since gained half the weight back (lost 30# first time, gained 15# back, 30# loss 2nd time and gained 10# back so 35 down still). However neither of us is diabetic. I don’t believe medifast would be a good diet for diabetics as it’s super restrictive. Now hubbys main motivation is keeping up with me on bf% lost and building up his biceps and triceps. We are competitive so it works for us but I did get discouraged when he lost more than me at first and he got upset when I lost more overall weight than he. But for the most part it works as long as we joke about it ;).