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Something is eating at me today.. I'm not eating which is good but something is seriously bugging me. I got flowers at work yesterday. They didn't come with a name on them to tell me who they were from and they were not from who I expected. They were from my husband. My husband has never sent me flowers at work. In the 10 years that I have known him and the various jobs that I have had.. he has never sent me flowers. I should be happy right? I enjoy the flowers. They are beautiful and smell amazing. It's what they stand for that has me looking at them and reflecting on all of the decisions I have made. I didn't say thank you. I didn't take pictures of them and post them saying look what I got.. I just looked at them and thought long and hard.
This morning my husband comes up to me and says he's sorry. He forgot he sent them. He had tried to send flowers to me when the kids and I were on vacation and he hadn't listened to me when I had given him our plans. They were supposed to arrive on the day we left to go to the next place and he filled in the date wrong so I never got them. The florist felt bad so they gave him a free bouquet. Apparently these flowers were the make up flowers. All I could do was look at him. Really? He forgot sending them? I made a comment or asked why it took him so long to send me flowers at work. I don't know which. I'm really just stumbling through this in hopes of falling out the other end soon. His reply? Do you know how hard it was for me to find you work address?
Googling the name of the company I work for and address... was hard. So I asked someone.. is it hard? They came back in less than a minute with the address and had it marked on a map. Does he think all those years I worked full time, helped him on the farm, made him breakfast and dinner, took care of the kids, cleaned the house, made sure everyone was where they needed to be, reminded him of all his drs apts, picked him up his favorite candy bar at the store because the kids were picking out their favorites, driving a tractor on my day off, milking cows so he could have a night off and go bowling then out to dinner with his buddies... all this while I worked, came home, never went out, never got gifts on special occasions, never got any help what so ever and if I complained.. I was never once heard. Because nothing EVER changed. He recently told me when things got bad I would blow up. But he knew I would be ok after I blew up. Seriously?? After I got to the point where I was screaming, sobbing, and be a complete and utter wreck.. that meant things would be ok because after I was done and pulled myself together I would be calm again. No buddy.. I would blow up and our marriage would die a little bit each time. Because nothing EVER changed.
Relationships are NOT easy. I made it easy for him. That's on me. I had this idea that in a relationship you try to never let your partner down, you try to build them up and help them succeed, and when everything went to shit.. you get right down next to your partner in that shit until both of you pull yourselves out together. That to me.. is a marriage. That is a partnership. That is the happily freaking ever after. I never got that. Not once with him. When I took a leap and switched jobs to further my career I was told I better not screw up because I won't have a job to pay my bills. When I would approach him and try to have a relationship I was laughed at and my hands were slapped away. My needs, my desires, my dreams.. they have always taken a back seat. Apparently it's just too hard to give a damn. And the sad part is I let that happen. I let myself not be important.
Right now he is doing things he never did. Why? Because he knows I'm gone. I'm done. He's afraid of being alone. Does he love me? Maybe? Maybe in some twisted F'd up way. But I'm done. The marriage we had, the feelings I had, the future we could have had? It's dead. All those blow ups, all those times I never got anything in return, all those times I took the back seat to his needs, all those times my needs were ignored. THAT KILLED OUR MARRIAGE. There is NO getting that back. I'm just as much to blame. I accept that. I'm learning from that. Maybe someday I will get my happily ever after with someone who doesn't find looking up a damn address as being too hard for someone they care about.
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 Comments
There are two sides to this story. You have clearly explained your viewpoint. What is his? We know what your expectations are. What are his? Experience has shown that things are not always as they seem; we think we know what the other is up to when in fact we don't. Furthermore, society forges us in believing there always has to be drama, that everything is for the worse, and we no longer allow ourselves to believe for the benefit of the doubt. He sent you flowers; that's not a bad thing.
15 Aug 17 by member: AngelSue
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Hugs from someone who understands 🤗🤗
15 Aug 17 by member: poppycom
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10 years is enough, get your life girl before it's 20 gone!
15 Aug 17 by member: Betsy1064
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I understand and can stand back and see both sides. pray for both of you to see what is important and to find your way.
15 Aug 17 by member: marbru68
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My "escape" marriage, at 19, lasted six years. I went into therapy for childhood issues and found that I was married to an authoritarian who had not a clue about how to be a husband. Leaving was the second best thing I ever did.
15 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
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The worst thing I ever did was stay in my second marriage for 18 years, to a man who ran one H3LL of a courtship but never matured past age 15 ... 17 years and 364 days *too* long. I didn't want to fail again, and I didn't want to abandon his three children (like their own mother had). Once I was done raising his kids *and* him, and supporting them all, he left me for another woman.
15 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
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All you can do is move forward. All he should do is move forward. The flowers and the address are just an excuse not a solution or an apology.
15 Aug 17 by member: jparlett
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You are worth exactly what you expect to be worth. You put everything you were and are into your marriage and are now burnt out and done. Been there, done that, own the T-shirt, wish I didn't.🤦🏻♀️ Those vows meant everything to me, but being a whole person who isn't being quietly smothered and strangled by a life of others expectations has to matter as well. You must be there for your children, and for a time, put yourself first, as you so obviously don't. Even your use name is a clue to that. 🙆🏻hugs.
15 Aug 17 by member: smprowett
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The best thing I ever did was remain single, between 2003 and 2008. Serious therapy taught me that, in my need to be "in control," I had chosen to marry two men who were clearly inadequate to the job of "adult," let alone "husband." Oh, I was in charge, all right, but they both soon realized what little *respect* I had for them.
15 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
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The first remained faithful but withheld all affection till I realized I was starving and left, at age 25. The other used me up in every way, cheated and snuck his way out, but never *told* me. The coward waited me out and let me discover his infidelity, and "let" me leave when I had nothing left, when I was 49.
15 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
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BTDT. Your next relationship, (post-rebound/grief hookup phase) will be WONDERFUL. It just takes time to get there.
15 Aug 17 by member: T8U9
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I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time; but you have invested quite some time into this marriage, so I would encourage the two of you to sit down and talk with someone before making a final decision. Even if you should decide to leave this marriage, it may be a good idea to explore what went wrong to avoid taking any extra baggage into any future relationships. Please do a thorough assessment; consider the cons and pros of staying or leaving the marriage. Ask yourself, why have I stayed in this marriage so long? Not everyone are accustomed to being raised in an environment where they have been taught to share their feelings or be attentive to the feelings and needs of others but it doesn't always mean they don't care. At some point in any relationship, one individual is always going to be doing or giving more. However; I agree you should not always be the individual on the giving spectrum. I will keep you both in my prayers.
15 Aug 17 by member: Thunderbird39
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Thank God, with therapy and prayer, I received another chance. I remarried at 59. I wish I would have been capable earlier in life of choosing this well, but ... it took as long as it took. We all have our path to travel. DairyFarmersWife, I can't recommend strongly enough that you and your husband get professional counseling determine whether to continue together or to part with attentiveness to what is best for each of you and for your children. It's not easy, but it's the least damaging way through to a new life.
15 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
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You effing go girl!!!! I can see how empowered you are now. Never lose that!
15 Aug 17 by member: amberhiggins1
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Good luck with it all and try to keep a healthy sense of humour
15 Aug 17 by member: Adpully
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Sometimes it is hard to tell him how you feel face to face. Instead I used to write a letter. Let him read your post. It may wake him up, and realize what he will lose.
15 Aug 17 by member: susawh
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I just made the hardest decision of my life and left DH after 14 yrs. His crime? Not paying enough attention to me.. He slept on the couch the last 3 out the 4 yrs we have been married. I cried, begged, offered therapy, tried to spice it up, made threats, and then cried some more. Ive worked so hard these last 2-3 years here on this site and in real life to really really take care of me.. and this was the last part of me I needed to fix. Im 42, have 2 grown kids and could never imagine one day with out DH bc he was all Ive ever had. However we barely spoke during the week, never really went any where together, didnt have plans.. we didnt even fight.. we just ignored each other.. then I left. No more crying.I just went away for a weekend and never came back. And then I saw how relieved he was.. He was happy again, excited, making plans for his future -alone. We didnt even argue about me leaving..SO maybe its not a bad thing.. Im sorry for what your dealing with, just know your not alone..
15 Aug 17 by member: redgirl1974
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You can't delete any page from the book of your life, but you can open a new chapter. 😘
15 Aug 17 by member: Luise Freiheit
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The blinders are off. You are no longer identifying yourself as someone's wife (an extension of them). You've found yourself!!
Prayers for guidance and strength.
15 Aug 17 by member: ClarityAnn
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Redgirl1974, you "earned your way out," as Dr. Phil is fond of saying. it sounds like you'll both be more at peace and more content, and that's the most important thing.
15 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
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