madaboutmoose's Journal, 15 March 2010

Day 421. Weight 187 (up 8 lbs)
Good morning. DISCLAIMER & WARNING. Read at your own risk. It is very long and not uplifting. Please do not feel obliged to comment, offer 'advice' or read at all. I needed to write this all out for me. It is my own way of processing ...

I read comments from Saturday's journal before I began this one. I must tell you how much your kind words, and appreciations meant ... especially today when I am feeling particularly vulnerable. I know each of you only know me via what I write ... but I do write from my heart here and so I feel like you know me ... at least a little.

Let me share the good news ... my FUN first!!! Saturday was lovely. We thoroughly enjoyed spending time together. We stopped by the shopping mall and enjoyed an Orange Julius, something we hadn't done in YEARS ... looked through Macy's (I had a $23.00 gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket). All their boots were on sale and I got a pain for beautiful black suede boots that only cost me $9.19 out of my pocketbook!!! Then we headed to the hotel for some relaxation. Dinner out at our favorite Mexican place and were lucky enough to get our favorite waiter there!!! Later, we met with with two of our dearest friends and talked, laughed, and danced out hearts out!! It was exactly what I needed. I love girlfriends ... and that dancing with other women is completely accepted in our society!! Bob does dance with me but my GF and I can get crazy and Bob and her hubby love to watch from the sidelines ... fun times.

Sunday morning Bob calls to check in on his dad. Fake MIL tells him his dad has had a very rough time, that she herself doesn't know how much longer she can do this, he is acting like a 3 year old, only slept 3 hours after taking an Ambien, up at 2 am, taking his blood pressure every 5 minutes, being 'mean', and on and on.

Welcome back to reality.

So we ate breakfast and began the drive back up to our neck of the woods. Wondering if we are nearing the point where his dad might need to be in a care facility. The only medications he is on is medication for his blood pressure and Ambien for sleep. Nothing else. So I am fairly confident we are not dealing with a medication reaction.

Walked into the house, Bob ahead of me. He told me later that she shook her finger at him and told him 'don't you give him a hard time' as soon as he walked through the door. I didn't see or hear that as I was a couple of steps behind him.

Everything is FINE. FIL says he is feeling GREAT ... all is well. Fake MIL says he is much better but has this 'deer in the headlights' look in her eyes and is furtively glancing back and forth between FIL, Bob and I at times. She has a scratch on her forehead and what looks like some kind of discoloration or bruise on her cheek.

Nothing they are saying fits with the frantic phone call Bob had earlier in the morning. Feels like we've entered the Twilight Zone. So after about ten minutes of this exchange I decide to see if I can make some sense out of this and I begin to ask some questions. I wondered if fake MIL was just covering up in front of FIL and briefly thought about talking to her in another room but NOW I am very glad that I did not do that. So, I asked her ... 'when he wakes up at 2 am ... tell me a little about what that looks like' they tell me he gets up and makes breakfast and comes and sits out in his chair and usually dozes off there. She says she stays in bed and sleeps ... she doesn't get up. Everything is fine and wonderful. I am confused. She tells us he paces the hallways, hyperventilating, having her look at his blood pressure every 5 minutes, yelling at her. When Bob was with him on Friday he was freaking out. So, I am very confused. Just this morning she tells Bob she doesn't know how much longer she can do this, how crazy he is acting, how mean he is. So I began to try to see if I could get them to tell me the rest of the story in hopes of understanding what the hell is going on. She and he both went off on me.

She looked me right in the eyes and told me 'don't you analyze me ... everyone I talk to tells me you analyze them and they hate that about you.' Excuse me? Everyone she talks to? It got very ugly. She and he both verbally attacked me. I had used the word 'truth' in something I said ... kind of like help me understand what your day looks like ... and my FIL said it was my fault because I used a 'trigger' word ... truth ... implying that they are lying to us. It got uglier after that. I was so taken aback ... the look in her eyes was pure hatred ... the expression on her face was frightening. I did not say ugly things ... I so wanted to. I walked out ... took a few deep breaths and came back in and told her she was NEVER to talk to me like she had just done again. Her response? That face again ... leaning into me and yelling "do you know how your face looks ... do you know how horrid you look?" I told her ... this is me pissed off. It went downhill from there ... and I could barely breathe by the time I walked out with my husband.

This is a woman who doesn't know me, not in the way my friends and loved ones know me. One of the very first things she ever said to me, years ago when I was showing her pictures of me holding my newborn granddaughter was ... 'didn't anyone every teach you how to part your hair?" That statement I believe was indicative of what was to come.

And yet ... without knowing me she was able to hit me in my most vulnerable place. I know it sounds melodramatic but I felt like I was in the presence of pure evil. It has thrown me for quite a loop. I have been quite emotional, down, feeling paralyzed, doubting myself. Who says such a thing to someone who comes and buys your groceries, picks up your prescriptions, takes you to see your partner in the hospital, calls in and checks to see what you might need, how you are doing? Someone who responds to your 'crises' even though we are in the middle of radiation treatment, have doctors' appointments of our own ... feel like crap.

I didn't cry there. I didn't tell her she was a f***ing bitch who cared for no one except herself. I did tell her that I did not appreciate how she spoke to me. I did not respond to most of what she accused me with. I think 'in the moment' I did okay.

My husband was supportive and livid. I am done. No more from me. My husband says the same. His dad believes all is 'wonderful' and he can 'handle' what needs to be 'handled.' He called his uncle and told him that he would need to step in ... that he too is 'done.' No more grocery trips, picking up prescriptions, being jerked about like a puppet and treated like shit. I'm all full up here. I'm tired of hearing words that are lies. I'm a bit shell-shocked. I vacillate between feeling numb and tearful. I slept last night only because I took something. I couldn't face work this morning. Just couldn't do it. I WANT to run away and hide. I keep hearing Simon & Garfunkle in my head 'I am a rock I am an island' ... guess I'm having my own little personal pity party. I'll get over it. I will be okay. I do have reasonable thoughts in my head ... they will get louder with time. I am so tired of doing the 'right' thing.

And of course ... (although I didn't record it yet ... I will Info ... honest I will) ... the scale is up considerably. Most of it no doubt related to stress, dehydration or the effects of alcohol, sodium, and so forth. I didn't eat poorly at all on Saturday. I did eat a little crazy yesterday but I know that it isn't really possible to gain 8 lbs in such a short amount of time ... not 8 REAL pounds anyway.

Sorry guys. I feel like I should just delete this whole thing, it is such a downer. But I won't. At least not right now!! LOL!!!

Grateful ... I am grateful

1. for a lovely, fun, stress free evening out with the love of my life and good friends
2. for a husband who stands by me, defends me, comforts me
3. knowing that I am not a 'worthless piece of shit' even though that feeling can still creep up ... knowing it really isn't 'my fault' but being able to check in and wonder if it is 'my fault' ... being able to tolerate the complexities of doubting myself
4. crisis is also opportunity ... somewhere in the midst of this 'crisis' is an opportunity I just can't see yet
5. ...... this is just a 'moment' ... yes not a very pleasant 'moment' but it will pass ... I will 'feel' better ... this 'moment' need not define me

Take care ... I still feel badly about writing this ... I so much do not feel like myself today ... time for me to get moving ... do something and stop 'thinking' so darn much. Exercise, report writing, I can do this ... it will help me ... I know it will!!!

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820 kcal

Fat: 18.00g | Prot: 39.00g | Carb: 126.00g.   Breakfast: water, Greek 2x Protein Honey Vanilla Yogurt. Dinner: Lean Cuisine Tortilla Crusted Fish. Snacks/Other: Eating Right Potato Crisps, Special K Protein Bar. more...

3170 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 4 hours and 7 minutes, Desk Work - 9 hours, Driving - 2 hours, Precor Elliptical - 53 minutes. more...