Thursday Afternoon - April 24th - and .... 'I still got nuthin. ' Nothing inspiring or thought provoking. So in a nutshell - ATF, F2MC, and TSL (The Scale LIES) still in place. Snug jeans still fit; bracelet still one inch below the freckle marker; was able to kneel down on my knees to work in my yard AND get back up when I was done. Pan cooked cauliflower for breakfast, tuna salad with spinach for lunch. All in all, good enough today.
The rest is puff. Or fluff. My brain apparently boarded the train one day ahead of me. I created such a huge mess on my bed of things 'to remember to pack' that it would seem easier to gather up the four corners of the bedspread and drag the lot behind me.
Not to worry - I'll muster 'mindful packing' later this evening. I'll decide if I really need six pair of shoes for three days. It'll be a good reinforcement of mindful eating for the weekend ahead as I remind myself I don't need to eat everything just because it's 'there'. Going to the River Walk is like going to the county fair where one floats from venue to venue on the tantalizing aroma from outdoor restaurants.
The only thing occupying my thoughts is recent unsolicited opinions voiced about me in person. My grandson started it the other night by asking, at least three times, 'Nana, are you okay?' I assured him I was 'just fine, thank you' but the third time he asked I had to push with 'why? what's wrong?' See, I'd never ask 'what's right? better? etc' I'm so accustomed to comments about me being critical.
I suppose in a Streisand sort of way we do adapt 'what's too painful to remember...forget' along the way with people who pass. I have been giving Cutty a wide berth of forgiveness the past five months but this week has been a glaring reminder of one his less than appreciated traits: his controlling criticism.
I realize with my self esteem issues I tend to focus on the negative more than the positive; I'm working on that and will use with Isabel's Zen techniques this weekend to develop a plan for improvement. I'm working to get past 'tell me 99 good things, fine... tell me one bad.. I'm crushed and chew it to pieces.'
This morning a customer thanked me for being so pleasant. Me? Pleasant? You know, I always thought I was as pleasant too but Cutty would remind me of 'the time I threw the phone across the room' when I told him things like that. The phone thing over 23 years ago but it was always tossed back in my face. No wonder I used the 01-for-99 statistical assessment system. Today, I get to just hear 'pleasant' without being reminded of the phone.
The other day I was talking to the BCF on the phone and remembered how Cutty would eavesdrop on my phone calls, along with watching me on the closed circuit TV while I was in the shop. After a chit-chat with the BCF I'd be debriefed by him on how I 'shouldn't have said that... shouldn't say this... don't tell her that..." Like a child being told 'keep your mouth shut around so & so' or being prompted 'tell the person thank you, now'
As much as I miss his input on some day to day things I'm realizing how sometimes it was a bit much.
And this is coming at a time when I'm enjoying 'dating myself' although his friend Phillip seems intent on hooking me up with someone for real. He doesn't have the person; he just makes it a point to tell me I 'need to get out there' and 'he's looking for someone for me'. Which makes me wonder about the influx of old geezers coming in here lately; are they being sent by my friendly shadkhin?
RotsaRuck there buddy - the more profiles I read online at that match service, the less I feel the need to partner up. I'm just not ready to take care of anyone but myself for a while. I'm even less ready for someone who may find fault with me. One criticism and they'd be out the door; even if they were commenting I'd set myself on fire. I need time to rebuild my self esteem.
Nonetheless, Gson said I seem different. He even used the word 'meloncholy'. Now, I'm not getting strung out over a 16 year old boy's comments but I don't think this is coming from him; sounds like something he's heard and is repeating. Probably Blondie. See how my brain works.
On the other hand, my massage therapist yesterday commented on my mood yesterday too. She said, "The first time you walked in, the only word I could have used to describe you was 'defeated'."
Now, this is interesting because it was October so it's not that I've had a dramatic physical presence (no massive weight loss) change in that time but it was when Cutty was .. at his most terminal.. and yes, a heavy load. She said each week she sees me I seem lighter, more chipper. I smiled at that especially with the current FS challenge of ignoring the scale.
Yesterday I was walking downtown and each time I'd catch my reflection in the store windows I'd cringe ... some day I'll either learn to like and accept what I see or remember to stop looking. Yes, I'll be the woman with toilet paper hanging from the back of my jeans or my skirt caught in my panty hose (if I ever feel the need to wear panty hose again.. after six years free of THAT prison I'm quite comfortable, thank you) because I'll refuse to do a double check coming out of the restroom.
BUT ... today... since beginning this journal, I had to walk downtown again to deal with an issue. And I was clicking right along, focused on my task instead of my reflection, enjoying the sun on my face, wind in my hair, and the ease with which I was walking. Fast. No heavy breathing. No pain. No worries. I felt light and strong.
No WAY I'd look in a mirror today. I'm happy with what I'm feeling from inside.
Y'all have a good afternoon. Thanks for stopping by.
Bella
