Wednesday - April 9th. Nearly four days of quiet self reflection has felt like camping out at the 'all you can think' buffet of life. I have several different topics brewing but am going to start with the one closest to me which is: my grieving is taking on a more balanced perspective.
Grace is of the opinion that 'dreams' are how we defrag and reboot our brains at night. It takes all the things of which we are aware and those subliminal things of which we aren't and clears SOME of the slate for another day. And much like reading a horoscope or fortune cookie ~ dream interpretation is merely a guess based on the experiences and emotions we bring into them.
For the first few months after Cutty's passing I'd dream he was still alive; he'd died, but came back. And I was panicked trying to get his clothes, get him back home, figure out what happened and why, etc. Lately my dreams have been that he is back ... he did die and returned .. but the panic is gone, the Mr. Hyde personality of his (one we all possess) is in full throttle, and it's a little stressful.
Very revealing was when a person asked me in one of my dreams the other night, "When are you going to start living YOUR life?" my answer was, "I was just on the verge of it when he came back." I am beginning to wake from those dreams relieved instead of mournful. Progress, not perfection.
While I'm not always crazy about this phase of my life - being not only 'lonely' but being the only decision maker and yeah, having to accept the responsibility of the decisions that fail without a fall back plan to blame someone else - I am recognizing how much of 'me' has been hiding the past few years.
I don't blame him for that - I blame myself. In effort to avoid confrontation I'd just 'go along' in whatever direction it took to avoid an argument.
An example would be 'dressing up' for the shop. If I'd strapped on these ridiculously high heeled sandals, perfume, makeup and a pretty dressy outfit as I am today, there would have been questions. "Who are you dressing up for out there?" Saying, 'No one but you, my darling" was never accepted as the truth.
Why didn't I say "Me. I like the way I feel when I dress up. It makes me feel good about myself"? But I didn't. To avoid feeding his suspicion and the confrontations the 'longshoreman' look (over sized denim jacket over turtleneck sweater over slouchy nondescript jeans over boots or loafers with no makeup and usually a 'cap' became my daily uniform.
And my brain worked like this: day by day the 'life' was being sucked out of me and I felt I had nothing to live for other than indentured servitude so why prolong it by being healthy? I felt like that old joke where the patient asks, "Doc, If I give up fatty foods, smoking, drinking and sex, will I live longer?" and the Doc answers, "Why would you want to?"
Lest this read like I'm turning into some wilting flower, I am not. I pushed back plenty on business, household, finances, healthcare and dealing with 'issues'. It was just, in the midst of all that.... *I* got lost. Me. The one who likes dressing up without judgement or suspicion. The one who likes getting a new 'welcome mat' even though the ugly old brown one refused to wear out. The one who let herself feel guilty or irresponsible to publicly purchase new clothes and instead snuck them in while he slept and pretended 'this old thing? had it for years'.
And I'm beginning to understand why widows mourn for a year. It is within this year I'm beginning to remember who I was, who I am, and who I want to be without allowing the opinion of another to influence me. I feel it is important to take this time to step back and get better centered in my own personality. There are days when it feels like that direction out of '28 Days' where the people in recovery are advised to stay away from relationships. I think Cornell recommends, "get a plant. If you can keep it alive for a year, get a dog. If after two years both are still alive, then you can date."
It could be that it's recommended so that the person in recovery isn't pressured by another person in their life or fooled by the infatuation of 'new love'. This is the time for discovery and it needs proper attention. Time for reinforcing my personality now that I'm older and hopefully a little wiser. Time to remember of all things I'll battle, I'll fight for me the most.
Thank you for visiting with me.
Bells
