FullaBella's Journal, 04 April 2013

Over the past few months of 'this' journey I've reflected how when I'm pursuing a healthy intake of food I am less likely to let people push me around. I have been dancing around with theories of confidence and strength but never could quite 'settle' with that being the 'ah ha' of it all. I'm a confessed introvert but by no means a pushover. Regardless of scale, I've always carried a pretty high opinion of myself. So what gives?

The epiphany: crap is crap regardless of the vehicle. When I'm choosing to not put junk food in my mouth, I chose not to let junk into my emotions. As I won't sit quietly while someone serves up fried fast food to me, nor will I sit idle as someone serves up negative criticism.

Clean & serene is the motto for all that I will take into my body, mouth, mind and soul.

Now I just need to find more eloquent ways of reinforcing that to my servers. As I journaled of my less than gracious reaction to the chocolate dipped strawberries my step daughter gave me for Valentines day... I'm still not quite there. Today was another example of my need to continue taking a deep breath, doing an emotional inventory, and approaching my intake and refuse the processed junk with intention and attention.

The better phrasing of my reaction this morning would read:
'My darling husband ... of all people and things in my life, surely by now you realize you are the most important. Your opinion of me weighs so very heavily into my opinion of myself and therefore may place far too much emphasis on your responsibility of being my partner not my critic. For that, I apologize. However, I endure enough criticism and negativity from the rest of the world on a daily basis. I need you to be in my corner, not on the opposite side of the ring. If I remember this correctly, I believe our vows of marriage included 'for better or worse.' It seems to me that your opinion of my 'better' is fleeting while your recall of my 'worse' seems never ending. Barbra Streisand sang 'what's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget.' Why can't you? Why must you continue to dwell on the less than stellar 'thing' I may have done 5, 10, 15 years ago? Why is my 'good job, babe' reviews have a 24 hour shelf life but my 'what a screw up you were' moments defy the statute of limitations? Please, for the sake of my sanity and our marriage, please have a little mercy on me. I'm human. I screw up. I have feelings.'

However, what I said was:
'F*ck you. I don't need my day to start with your criticism.'

So naturally, he's sitting in his recliner swelled up like a frog with mumps refusing to even look at me or acknowledge my conversation with anything beyond a monosyllabic grunt. And of course, my expected reaction is to go in, apologize, and explain.

I just don't feel like it right now. While I can work on a more gracious refusal of junk in my life, I can't stop it if I continue to cruise by the drive in window over and over. Sometimes, we just need a make-over all together.

As always, thank you for reading.

Bella

Diet Calendar Entries for 04 April 2013:
990 kcal Fat: 53.28g | Prot: 84.43g | Carb: 45.39g.   Breakfast: Bacon, Tomatoes, Gouda Cheese, Onions, Baby Spinach, Bell Peppers, Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut. Lunch: Pork with Chili and Tomatoes (Mixture) (Puerco Con Chile). Dinner: Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut, Napoleon Smoked Oysters, Roast Beef. Snacks/Other: Cottage Cheese, Spectrum Chia Seeds, Spectrum Organic Ground Flaxseed. more...
1996 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...

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Comments 
LOLOL. Love the better phrasing. Love the actual phrasing. Hopefully the frog with mumps DH feels very much better very soon. Hope you have a better day. Interesting correlation between food consumption and emotional consumption. I'm going to have to look at that closer. Thanks Bella dear. You're amazing.  
04 Apr 13 by member: Helewis
Hitting the nail on the head once again! Good job; you're really amazing. I see definite correlations in my own life & process, including similar phrasing not long ago! I have slipped a few times into accepting more crap-food, and it actually makes me feel less tolerant of crap-criticism; most likely because I had my own internal critic on alert who didn't want competition, lol. I've tried to think of serene ways to communicate how my partner's criticism hurts, which never come out quite as planned. My partner got home last night after I spent hours making that soup, and was standing looking up the stairs looking to see if I'd shut the bedroom door; can't stand cooking smells on clothes and bedding. Didn't even need to say anything; I just saw the disapproving look & said "F*ck! I didn't think it smelled that strong!". Later, partner said "it's the onions"; I just scoffed, there was about 1/2 cup of onions in a huge pot of soup. After some silent Tv watching, my partner complimented my soup several times, then told me it could use more seasoning; I did refrain from growling. Then I ate some See's bridge mix, Doggone it! Maybe if I would have let the growl out I wouldn't have taken the chocolates in... Thanks for another thought-provoking journal; I obviously have some work to do! 
04 Apr 13 by member: crabby Kat
yes, thanks for sharing and sparking some internal reflections of my own. I can be, for the moment anyway, thankful that I don't have a partner who knows just which buttons to push and when. However, I do have close friends who can sometimes get in there and needle me a bit. I am learning to sit with the discomfort and know that it will pass, I don't have to feed it - either by apologizing unnecessarily or by actually eating emotionally. And, while challenging, eventually going back and speaking from my vulnerability (a.k.a. my heart) I can feel nuurtured and cared for while making a connection to my friends' hearts. Your journal entries are always inspiring. 
04 Apr 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Your more thought out explanation is so perfect. Why don't you print it out and let DH read it? I often find it easier to express myself on paper than with words because I'm able to get out what I want to say without letting an emotional confrontation change the direction of my thoughts. And hey, we're all works in progress. There will always be room for improvement, no matter how much we change for the better - keeps life interesting :) 
04 Apr 13 by member: evelyn64
Heather - well, after journaling I kissed his forehead and said 'I love you.' We haven't yet discussed my response this morning because something else happened (outside source) and we had to discuss 'that' so he's talking to me just not 'about me.' We'll see. A quarter century of marriage experience yields there will be a discussion 'some day' but maybe not 'today'. 
04 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Bella, I would have said exactly what you did. I'm way past the point of skirting around. I grew up in a household where I had no say, never could offer an opinion and feelings were never considered. Thats not to say that I'm an in your face kind of person, I'm not. But sometimes, you just have to let it fly. No need to apologise IMHO. Seems like it needs to come from YH. 
04 Apr 13 by member: cjmurph
KitKat - interesting - you say that if you eat junk food you won't tolerate junk-talk but I'm the opposite... hmm... so you balance your junk and I'm still on 'feast or famine' mode.. all or nothing.  
04 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
I love this journal & especially your "better phrasing". I also may paraphrase it when the need arises with my own DH. It also made me think about how I treat him & that I can do the same thing to him at times. Marriage is such hard work (we'll be married 25 years in Oct) & the longer we've been married, the more I have to remind myself to not take him for granted and to accept the things about him that I cannot & he doesn't want to change. It's wonderful how this weight loss journey is having a positive impact on all the aspects of our lives, & that's partly do to your great journals & wonderful insights. xoxox 
04 Apr 13 by member: Ruhu
Ce - good on you ~ I can too, most of the time (sit with the discomfort and know it will pass) and then sometimes, I have the equivalent of an emotional binge ala 'stop stop stop it... I'm not going to take it'. Hey, I'm human :-) 
04 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Evelyn - I too express myself a little less emotional in print but the 'letter' thing doesn't fly in Bellawood. I've tried it in the past ~ he'll hand it back and say 'Not reading this .. tell me what you want to tell me.' And by golly, I'd better get it right 'then'. So for today, we'll have some stilted conversations and rigid responses and probably in the morning he'll say 'something' and I'll say 'something' and hopefully, my response will be more of the 'nicer written version' than what I expressed this morning. Then again, it may be very short & to the point. I've been dancing around his anger for a month now and I'm running out of steps :-) 
04 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Cj - thank you. I think we both need to apologize - him for the constant historical critiquing and me for the profanity and anger. But I'm not going to be 'first' on this one. Not today anyway :-) 
04 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Angel - I know my response to him this morning was in direct conflict with the 'take a deep breath & remember what's important' journal the other day ~ hey, I never said I was perfect. That's why I journaled it to remind myself 'All things in Moderation, including the reactions.' I do believe people change as they age and sometimes that causes reactions in their partners ~ good and bad ~ but I'm just ... for today .. not willing to sit and listen to that 'thing' I did 20 years ago or that 'time' 15 years ago or how I was 'this kind of boss' back in the day ... I don't do that to him and boy COULD I EVER and Mmmmmaybe THAT's why he does it to me? Maybe his internal dialogue is criticial too and he transfers and projects it onto me .. as in.. if I can make Bella feel bad about herself I'll feel better about MYself. I don't know.. I can't fix him. All I can do is fix how I react. Hopefully next time out.. I'll be more eloquent. I'm trying. I'm aware it wasn't the best show on my part and I will get better. 
04 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Here's my 2 cents. With the way time flies and the fact that tomorrow is never a guarantee. Suck it up, both apologize, and move on. Wasting time or days bickering has zero value. And although I do not lead a perfect life and I am in no way perfect. I strive to be better. And being better involves the old saying "live and let live". Look past the bad and see the good. Remember the good? Breathe count to ten then respond. Don't get me wrong I can be an A@@hole at times. But I've learned to say I'm sorry and I'm working real hard at leaving the A@@hole at the door. Chin up, smile, Your upright and on the planet. Enjoy it! 
04 Apr 13 by member: deadcenter
Center - I'm not wasting time and I'm tired of bickering - that's just it. Insanity is repeating the same action over and over yet expecting a different result. I've been the 'I'm sorry' dancing monkey for a long time. I'm not plotting his demise or giving him the cold shoulder and as the day has moved on we both got in the same corner fighting against someone else. That's marriage. That's how it goes. My journal this morning after my reaction to the criticism was 'must find the balance' between allowing someone to feed me junk (historical recriminations) as a daily diet yet not losing my head over it. I'm not a bickerer or a @itch. I'm just a person trying to make it through the day with my chin up and smiling despite what life throws at me. I get that. So what I'm saying is I agree with not wasting time, holding a grudge, etc. however, I have to get his attention that the broken record of recrimination needs to stop. That's all. 
04 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
FB, Agreed, It takes two in a relationship to make it work or to break it. I know you are extremely intelligent. I can tell by your writings. I knew I was just reinforcing what you already were well aware of. However, hearing it from an outside source sometimes gives things a nudge in the right direction. This journey involves growth. I know you know that as well. I'm sure you also know that sometimes when we grow others are left behind or can not keep up for there own personal reasons. I'm just trying to make sure you are smiling and enjoying the day. As you know they are short and shorter as we age. And Lord knows we age quickly. ;-) 
04 Apr 13 by member: deadcenter
Center - exactly re the days shorter & faster passing. I can barely remember any of March because it is better off forgotten. I find the harder he clings to being angry at every little thing, the greater my short term memory grows, fades, whatever, LOL. One of my customers once complained because I couldnt' remember their name ... I soothed them with 'hey, look at it this way... I never hold a grudge... every day is a new day with me.' I am constantly trying to nudge my husband into a better mood even to the point of doing the silly PeeWee Herman 'Tequila Dance' the other night (except I didn't have the white platform shoes like PW) just to get him to smile and laugh a little. Thank you for recognizing my incredible amazing all empowering intellect ... LOL .. wait, those are my words, not yours :-) Sigh... nonetheless.. we did quickly explore the whole conversation this morning but he's still so upset over the five other things that are happening right now he can't let go. I can't make him. His nurse suggested having the physician order an anti anxiety med but I don't want him to be chemically managed (yet) am wondering if that's not what he needs for just a couple of days to even out the mood so HE can focus and recognize what IS important too? Right now I have to go work on my run on sentence issue ~ later :-) 
04 Apr 13 by member: FullaBella
Wow this journal and comments has made me think today. Not that I don't think every day but it has given me an opportunity to look at me and my relationships. I have really taken on the healthy intake of everything - especially food so now I am working on what is mentally coming in AND going out. Hope your evening becomes incredibly happy and healthy! :) 
04 Apr 13 by member: Neptunebch
Tell my Bro "up HIS cuz me and Jose are waiting for YOU" ;) 
04 Apr 13 by member: 2toofat
Look into Sam e. I have several friends using it as a mood stabilizer...no side effects all natural. I think it would be very hard to be the positive one, the forgiving one all the time. Very interesting thought on all we take on verbally. Great thoughts to ponder. 
04 Apr 13 by member: sharonfriz
Clean and serene. I like that. Think I'll adopt that one for myself. I've only got a couple years of marriage under my belt, so maybe I'm speaking out of turn here... but my DH & I have had some blow-outs (and I mean BLOW. OUTS.) and what I've learned is that sometimes you just gotta let 'em pout. You can't force someone else to be happy, not even your husband. My DH can be a colossal grump when he wants to be (he is a man, after all, and men are wont to do that, as I've observed), and the very best thing I've found that I can do is to just let him be mad about whatever he's made about & not let it steal my sunshine. I'm also learning that as I'm losing weight and starting to like myself better, it's becoming a lot harder for me to take others' negativity to heart as much as I used to. You can't make people change. You can't make them love you, or like you. You can't drive the grumpiness out of their hearts. Like you said, all you can do is change your own reactions to what they say/do/think. I know it's hard (man, do I ever know)...but life is a heck of a lot easier when you can finally stop letting other people's issues & grudges & attitude problems make YOU feel guilty or like it's YOUR problem. It's not your problem. Even if "it" affects you on a daily basis, you don't have to accept "it" as your own burden to bear. Sometimes you have to just let it go. Goosfraba and que sera sera and all that. (Not only does that free you from feeling weighed down by someone else's issues, it also helps you avoid having to apologize for the profanity and anger. hehe :D) You're a saint for being so there for him, but your life is still important too. If there's one thing I've learned recently, it's that if YOU don't take care of you, nobody else is going to get the job done. You know what you need, so take time for yourself. Treat yourself and replace the junk of the day with something good. I know there are few things that hurt the heart more than emotional bullets in a marriage, so I'll be praying for both of y'all to find some peace. Tomorrow's a new day. :o) 
04 Apr 13 by member: seagull619

     
 

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