FullaBella's Journal, 02 April 2013

I'm wondering if there are actually any people in the world these days who aren't addicted to 'something' whether it be drugs, food, alcohol, smoking, shopping, gambling, porn, sports, work, or the internet.

I sure don't know any, but then, I don't get out much.

I start every day with the silent prayer 'All things in Moderation' but lately I feel the need to shout it out loud to drown out the voice of doubt in the background. Doubt questions if it is even possible as it has witnessed for most people, once one temptation runs it's course, another seems to appear.

The 'flavor of the day' may have a shelf life but addiction seems immortal.

This morning I was thinking about 'stress' as an addiction. While it certainly gives one a great adrenalin rush yielding superhero strength for a short while eventually it's just as dangerous as the double cheese meat lover's pizza. A daily diet of it will certainly affect your health.

My husband and I are the poster couple for 'opposites attract'. However, believe the reason our dynamic duo lasted this long is our ability to switch personalities in the blink of an eye, especially in the face of stress.

I recognized early that the emotions in our partnership belonged on a racetrack; whoever reached 'hyper' first won. The lagger had to be the calm, collected soother.

Over the years he gave up alcohol and only has one cigarette a day. So due to his limited physical health though he's made stress his addiction.

Being the yin to his yang keeps me busy as approaching his addiction like any other in our own little twelve step household. I'm constantly taking inventory to ensure I'm not enabling or codependent. But, because he has little access to other outlets I find myself spotting him on the start and allowing him to run a few laps around the track, before I try to rein him in to take the bench. I don't know if that is enabling or compassion.

It's exhausting. But anytime I find myself sprinting for the ledge, he flips the personality on me and literally knocks me off the track.

Last week I had to order him a new cell phone. When he asked 'how much' I answered 'free with the two year contract renewal.'

His response, completely unpredicted so seemingly uncalculated, nearly made me crumple into a ball on the kitchen floor.

"Well, If I die in the next two years, they'll release the contract, right?"

Of all the ranting and raving and venting he does over the most inane and uncontrollable things, seriously, he's worried about a cell phone contract?

Tears filled my eyes just as they are now. But as I journaled yesterday, we adults have to keep our emotions in check. I took a deep breath, blinked away the tears, and kissed his forehead to avoid answering.

When he pressed for the answer, though, my response was, "You'll be here long after that plastic piece of crap is gone.... not to worry."

Do I know that for a fact? Of course not. That's not the point. I'm not sure 'what' the point is other than just when you feel yourself building up to an inane argument with the one you love maybe it's a good idea to take a deep breath and imagine the unexpected. If you lost that person today, would you be worrying about the cell phone contract?

I won't.

I have absolutely no idea what any of that has to do with addictions other than maybe at times it takes hitting rock bottom to recognize what's important in life?

Thank you for reading,


Diet Calendar Entries for 02 April 2013:
1388 kcal Fat: 60.54g | Prot: 104.08g | Carb: 119.67g.   Breakfast: Spectrum Chia Seeds, Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut, Baby Spinach, Tomatoes, Bell Peppers, Gouda Cheese, Egg, Nature's Way Efagold Coconut Oil. Lunch: StarKist Foods Solid White Albacore Tuna in Water. Dinner: Mahi Mahi, Nature's Way Efagold Coconut Oil, Baby Spinach, Publix Red Bell Pepper, Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut. Snacks/Other: Quaker Old Fashioned Oats, Spectrum Chia Seeds, Bananas, Nostimo 0% Plain Greek Yogurt, Great Value Sugar Free Strawberry Preserves. more...
1996 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...


The world is amok with sensory overload and we have discovered so many ways to simulate and stimulate at the push of a button or in a pill or a drink. People just didn't have access to this much STUFF a hundred years ago. I don't think we've evolved enough to be able to handle it. Our technology has gotten ahead of us, it seems. But ya. All you need is a little dose of reality of what really matters in life to put everything back in perspective. Money and material objects mean nothing if you have no one to share them with! 
02 Apr 13 by member: evelyn64
I think you are absolutely right about all of us being addicted to something... I'm just trying to stay addicted to healthy eating & living. My DH is also a stress/work addict & at times we too seem like we couldn't be any different. Thanks for reminding me to appreciate him for who he is, how he balances my life & our 12-step home (gonna have to count the actual stairs... Wouldn't it be funny if there were?!?), and not to take him or our life together for granted. Once again, who else but an Angel?!? Xoxox 
02 Apr 13 by member: Ruhu
My husband is a work addict and I am a worry addict.  
02 Apr 13 by member: Skinnygirl223
Bella, I know just what you mean. My husband and I will be married 35 years in September and have dated... still date... for 38 years. We were once referred to as frick and frack... at the time we didn't know what that meant. I think the main thing is we have the same core values and we are there for each other. He was a workaholic... still is a bit but it took a life altering experience to change that. 18 years ago I was diagnoses with breast cancer. Our kids were 8 and 10. After that he took more time for fun and quality time. Just over 4 years ago my cancer came back as stage 4. They told my family I had 3-6 months to live. Well here I am.. fat and sassy and we have learned to live each day. I encourage all to not wait for the "biggie". If you have something you want to do or someone you want to see. .... get crackin'. Don't wait do it NOW!!!  
02 Apr 13 by member: beefit54
Wow, that sounds like a hard road you are on, I feel for you. Sounds like your husband is having a lot of health problems, these are so hard. My husband has had 4 surgery's in 5 years, first was cancer and it has gone on from there, we just keep plugging along. Thankfully I have my goat outlet which brings us much joy, hope you have something to bring you joy also. 
02 Apr 13 by member: Goatmamma
Yeah, I try to balance my partner's stressed out world/lowest lows with calm caring and focused attention to my addictions, (which are an endless source of amusement for my partner) these past 14 years. I face meltdowns with calm rationality and problem-solving (as much as possible); my partner faces my surgeries and MS diagnosis with loving intensive care. We bounce back and forth. A big birthday this year has my partner more concious of mortality, time ticking away; I try to encourage, fan the flames of that youthful spirit and strong will to grab life by the you-know-whats and live it to the fullest. This journal obviously strikes a cord with many of us, Bella the Beautiful. Thank you.  
02 Apr 13 by member: crabby Kat
not a one of us has a guarantee we will be here tomorrow. I love the support you gave your husband. very kind and very loving. 
02 Apr 13 by member: sharonfriz
This one strikes a lot of chords for me-I do think that we are all addicted in some way to something. I know people that are seemingly addicted to being "victim" and cannot seem to live their life outside of being a martyr to what awful things others do to them. I know people that are addicted to being right. I don't think addiction is merely to a substance, but often to feelings, to maintaining the status quo, to challenging the status quo, or any number of other things. Maybe it's just our human nature asserting itself? @ maintaining balance. oooh that's a tough one. I cannot imagine living without my husband but some days I just can't stand to spend one more minute in the same room with him! LOL! The personalities do not always balance at the same time in the same way, do they? I used to want so badly for my husband to pull his attention away from computer games and now that he has and seems to want me to pursue hobbies with him, all the time, I wish sometimes he'd go back to it so I could have time to myself. I seem to always make time for everything except what I want. I want to fuss with him about it but it's a pointless argument-I'm getting what I wanted, just a few years after i wanted it. We haven't caught up with one another, yet. Not sure what my point is here either but as I've said before-you are so very insightful and provoke a lot of thought, for me! 
02 Apr 13 by member: CollyMP
I am absolutely sure that we are all addicted to one thing or another. I am even willing to bet that most of us can't even list all the things we're addicted to. I know I can't. I can mention many things, but probably not all. I'm sure there are more than comes to mind.  
03 Apr 13 by member: kingkeld
Very touching, Bella. Thank you for sharing yoru heart as you have. I'm inspired, as ever, to recognize that this must, indeed, be a safe place because of your courageous outpouring. I agree that, as humans, we seem to be prone to addictions. My sisters with several children each (their addiction?) have told me (a recovering alcoholic) that had they not had children, they could well have been in my shoes. Indeed, if we aren't taught how to process our emotions, but to stuff them, then we continue - as "adults" - to find ways to stuff them. I've read The Presence Process and completed the 10-week program of meditation several times to help me. Perhaps you'll find it valuable, too. Much love dear (and anonymous) friend. 
03 Apr 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Touching and honest journal Bella. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now. I am a worrier myself and it is hard not to worry but I am making great strides in that area and learning to let go of that worry and pray. This may not sound like a good answer to lots of people but it is working for me. Worry is a useless emotion. It doesn't change or solve anything. It just creates stress which makes us sick. I am slowly learning when my mind starts going there to just pray and release that worry. I am a control freak lol so it is hard for me to realize that I am not in control of everything...of what everyone does, of the ramifications of their decisions. It's tough to accept but it has to be done in order to be able to live each day in peace. 
03 Apr 13 by member: chattycathy1955


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