FullaBella's Journal, 20 March 2013

The other day my friend Isabel commented 'this is obviously your time to get it right' referring to the eating methods I am sharing in my journal that have proven most successful for me during this attempt to be healthy and lose the weight.

My first reaction was 'how can you be so sure?' Second guessing myself, though, isn't because I don't believe in myself. I'm full of confidence. I'm full of something. Heck, I'm full of cr*p most of the time; even my name begins with full. Hmmm.

The second guessing is because I reflect on the four previous failure regains and ask 'how... how is this time different? What will make this one last so that I'm not like one of those five time divorced people always blaming the spouses? Where's my responsibility in this repeated failure?'

So as I randomly add the disclaimer at the end of my journals wherein I reserve the right to change my opinion at any time, I'll just start out with it here in the opening credits.

I think, feel, and believe the reason 'this time will be different' is I've subliminally decided to embrace my inner toddler rather than fearing or fighting it.

I recognized this whole 'end of the standard food partnerships, what part of the meal do I really like, eating single items rather than whole' was very childlike of me. I'm one step short of whining if my foods touch before I have a chance to experience them all on their own. Don't mix my peas and carrots ~ I don't like peas and I don't want to have to pick the carrots out with my fingers.

I arrived at this conclusion while reflecting on my journals of the past couple of weeks or so recognizing my way of eating falls apart around toddler phase and as it slides right into the terrible two's so slides the scale upward. When my buddies commented they too experienced the same, I'll admit, I felt hopeless.

For about a week or so every 'shortcoming' I experienced in 'healthy adult way of thinking' eating was blamed on the inner toddler. I found myself contemplating how to send that little terror off to boarding school and prepared for the eighteen month countdown to battle against it.

But as I constantly force myself to recognize 'most of my problem is I can't get out of my own way', I sat really still and decided to stop fighting and just listen.

In my mind I flopped down on the floor with the toddler, extended my arm in a show of 'truce' and asked it 'what happens to you at 18 months that you act out? Are you really just bored?'

Not sure what your toddler will share if you choose to have the same discussion but our's follows.

'Nope, not boredom. Frustration.'

"Why? And how will this be different?"

'Because, you're doing it the right way this time. You aren't starving me all month then stuffing me to the gills on your 'anything goes weekend.' You aren't living off low calorie no fat foods and forcing me to fit into skin tight clothes just to prove you've lost a few more pounds. You aren't restricting me from having a cookie or cake or good foods because someone wrote a stupid book and told you how to feed me.'

"So you're saying..."

'I'm saying the way you were taught to eat was wrong. You've learned you don't have to clean your plate or eat all your vegetables before you can have dessert. You've learned to make up your own mind about the foods you like rather than eating by a book or clock. Instead of acting like some new parent over and over with me going from Dear Abby to Dr Spock on how to take care of me, you're finally using your mind. You're not giving me a reason to rebel.'

"So are you saying all is well? This is it? I'm done raising you?'

'Hahahaha.... not so quick, sister. You've only been doing this a few months. Look at the difference in how you ate dinner in that restaurant last night compared to how you dined three months ago. You made up your mind and you ate what you wanted. You didn't choose something because it was so 'indulgent' it fulfilled something you've been missing or depriving yourself nor did you choose something because it had looked 'low calorie and healthy'.

'You didn't sit and fret 'oh my, no way I can record this..' because you recognized you only eat out about once a month and while the FS food diary is an overall way of learning foods there is no direct correlation between it and how your body will react to one night of dining out.'

'Your selection was based on what 'sounded good'. You didn't eat the food you didn't like and you stopped when you didn't want anymore of the food you liked because you weren't hungry anymore. You remembered there will always be Tuxedo cake available and you didn't have to eat that icky grilled shrimp coated with that weird salty sauce or that gross salty soup just because you were in a restaurant and paid for it.'

'You didn't even regret watching it go home with your friend, the Queen of the Doggie Bag, because you knew 'you' really didn't want it. And you didn't come home and shove your face full of 'Bellafood' because you were still hungry and felt you needed to recover from being so deprived at dinner. This is a full one-hundred-eighty turn from where you were in December when you had a meltdown because you felt hungry and deprived at your uncomfortableness to enjoy the cheese and bread platter.'

Sigh... "so now what?'

'Continue to listen to me. Continue to eat the food you love and love the food you eat. Don't start changing how you treat me just because some book pops up in front of you and tells you different. Listen to me. Now, you run along and take care of your life now. Just remember to stop and listen to me now and then and you'll be just fine.'

I stood and walked away from my toddler with a better sense of peace but no false sense of security. We may make it through the terrible two's just fine but that means 'teenager' will be just around the corner and we'll have to have a really serious talk then.

As always, thank you for reading.


Diet Calendar Entries for 20 March 2013:
1413 kcal Fat: 60.46g | Prot: 89.64g | Carb: 130.16g.   Breakfast: Stripey Jack, Spinach, Onion, Egg, Sauerkraut Libby, Bacon, Cherry Tomato. Lunch: Meatloaf, Green Peas. Dinner: Fage, Quaker Steel Cut Oats, Blueberries Schwan, Chia Spectrum. Snacks/Other: Triple Berry Schwans, Cottage Cheese 4%. more...
2006 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...


1 to 20 of 27
I just love your terrific two year old! She sounds pretty mature. 
20 Mar 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Bella, that post should be on the home page of this site. A lot of the problem for a lot of people is simply that the way they were taught to eat was just wrong. Cleaning the plate, eating full servings of food you just don't like because it's "good for you"-this isn't a healthy relationship with food. Refusing dessert because you didn't "earn" it? Absurd! These are arbitrary rules that don't teach us anything about eating properly. We DON'T have to treat our hunger as if it's an unruly toddler.  
20 Mar 13 by member: CollyMP
Thank you for your insightful writings. I am taking the weekend to spend alone in contemplation, reading and 'being still' at a cabin deep in the MN northwoods, in lots of snow, overlooking a lake, and will have no electronic devices. I plan to rest, read, rethink my eating, my living and my giving back to life. This is great food for thought.  
20 Mar 13 by member: CharleeSue
@ Ce - thank you. Have you ever looked into the face of some toddlers and they actually appear as if they possess a world of wisdom? I'm giving (mine) that benefit of the doubt for now. Maybe if I keep it happy it won't have such a 'terrible twos' :-) 
20 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella
@Colly - thank you my friend. It's simply incredible how we manage to have our natural instincts perverted by others and then grow up fighting the urge to return despite the advice of the experts. I guess the thought came to me last night when that shrimp arrived with that gooey sauce on it ~ I felt like a toddler would - making a face and shaking my head "NO!" Again, it may be my opinion du jour and change on a dime tomorrow but it really seemed to hit home for what I'm doing right now. 
20 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella
@Charlee - thank you. Good for you ~ rest, recharge, and rejuvenate your body from all of the electonics and just listen to your soul. Sounds wonderful.  
20 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella
Well Bella I'm glad you didn't eat what you didn't like! Life's too short! 
20 Mar 13 by member: CollyMP
Well Bella you certainly are growing in your weight-loss journey. You are an excellent insightful writer and I find your journals very interesting. All of our individual "ways" of reaching and staying at our goal weights is unique but it all boils down to US being accountable to US. The more we become self-aware the less complicated losing weight becomes.  
20 Mar 13 by member: Josie Ann
Wow what a read, Great writing. I have to read it again to absorb more of it. Thank you for the insight. 
20 Mar 13 by member: deadcenter
I applaud your toddler..she is really good for you..Thank you for letting us read about your converstion..Love every word...You rock girl..Thanks..I need to get your toddler with my toddler to learn a few things...:O) 
20 Mar 13 by member: BHA
oh bella ...you have the best conversations with yourself. I always feel like I learn so much. I have a particularly poor relationship with restaurants....you challenge and encourage me all the time. Thanks  
20 Mar 13 by member: sharonfriz
Firstly congrats on reaching onederland - 195 - woot woot. I gave been MIA for a few days but I'm caught up now and as always loved your journal. You do have the most interesting conversations with yourself. I am so glad you are able to 'hear' your inner voice and shut out the chatter enough to hear the good stuff. I am always amazed by those conversations (yours)Thanks for your PM's. I appreciate your support and caring. 
20 Mar 13 by member: sarahsmum
I'd say this is the most inspiring journal I have read all year, hands down. Please say hi to your inner toddler from me. :) Now, seriously, you should consider posting this in the community forum. A LOT more people who are NOT your buddies need to read this. We can all learn from this, myself included. Thanks you.  
21 Mar 13 by member: kingkeld
Inspirational. I just had to send a buddy request, Bella. Thanks for this entry. 
21 Mar 13 by member: Helewis
That's a well spoken toddler :P 
21 Mar 13 by member: Savaticus
Me, myself, and I have been listening. lol 
21 Mar 13 by member: 2toofat
@Josie - thank you. I will continue to run around in my mind checking for leaks or weaknesses because every single time in the past I thought I had this thing fixed then too.  
21 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella
@ Center - my toddler and I thank you, LOL :-) 
21 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella
@Brenda - thank you - we'll arrange a play date for them. 
21 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella
@Sharon - well, to be fair, I have many conversations with myself that never make it to print but every once in a while I feel some may help others. Restaurants are challenging ~ very well done of you (via your journal today!) 
21 Mar 13 by member: FullaBella


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