Snowwhite100's Journal, 07 March 2021

My life changed yesterday. I am now finally afraid of my husband. That makes it harder to enjoy him when he is nice because I don't know when he will explode or if I can “be perfect”. He has abused me for at least 55 years. He did not, and has not, hit me in the last 50 years, but did twice before that, and one of the times I had a concussion. We were separated 3 times. He said the reason he never gave me a penny to help feed the children was so I couldn't make it on my own. With my health problems and a very bad back, when he promised to change, I went back “for the children”, plus I loved him, and believed it was the right and Christian thing to do. He didn't change. A couple of days ago he wanted me to make an appointment with the DMV for him to take the written test to renew his Driver's License, and we saw they are giving automatic 1-year extensions because of Covid. He was thrilled he wouldn't have to study for it, and neither of us knew if he could pass. He had seen the e-mail from the DMV and had asked me to change his password, and even picked out the new one. Yesterday I helped him on the computer for about an hour in 2 different sessions. I was laying down to take a nap and he again called me as he usually does to come to help him on the computer. He expects me to come running where ever he is and where ever I am, no matter the inconvenience, and it better be quick. He saw the e-mail from the DMV about the change in password, but now was confused about it, and felt he had to wake me up immediately to find out what it was. I should confess to you I sleepily said no when he called out to me. He got very angry (as usual) came into the bedroom, forcefully moved my legs to the floor, and pulled me up to drag me into the room where he has his computer, and threatened to smash my laptop. I don't understand how he expects to hear me reply to him from another room or even from another floor, it isn't logical. He is very hard of hearing even with his strong expensive hearing aids and that eventually affects anyone's brain. He now doesn't recognize most words that start with a consonant. His audiologist said in a hearing test when they turned the sound all the way up, in one ear he only has 15% hearing, and out of 25 words that started with a consonant he only understood 3. If I call back to him to whatever room he is in, he usually can't hear me and gets very angry before he starts calling the second time. He has not eaten at the table with me in perhaps 30 years, unless on rare occasions outside. If he yells for this or that from his TV, or wants help on the computer, and also if he sees anything interesting on the TV or computer, he wants me to come to see it. He basically can only do Facebook and maps, but recently learned to use YouTube.

Once, he did not acknowledge my presence for 6 months, and punishing me is just a common theme. He has always been very controlling and wanted me to treat him like God or “a god”. Now I remember many years ago he demanded I sit next to him on the couch while he was watching wrestling (which I hate) but I was not allowed to speak. Most would say I should have divorced him. Yes, I had moral grounds, but most of the Christian community would say if he wasn't “hitting”, a person should stay hoping to win him to Christ. I was in a Bible Study years ago, and one gal that was being hit went to the pastor of a church of thousands and was told she should stay as long as the children were not being hit. I disagree. She was younger and her children were young. Personally, I was abused as a child, so my husband said he was never responsible for any of my hurt feelings. I reasoned, I begged, I hoped, and I prayed. For 60 years, he said he didn't care that he hurt my feelings, but I didn't even know what Narcissism was until two weeks ago, or that it can become a mental disorder. He took part of my meager meal (2 al la carte meatballs) this week in a deli, even though he had a very big meal, and threw part of mine away rather than letting me have it back. He had breakfast, I did not. I just walked away, as I have started doing at home when he yells at me, but it's not working. At home, he grabs me if I walk away. He also said this week that I should only sleep at night after he goes to bed, whatever time that is. Part of me thinks it is escalating, and part of me just hasn't admitted how bad it has been part of the time. Of course, he doesn't see it or admit it, that is part of the illness. I have to learn to not confront him, show any defensiveness, or disagree because he just gets furious, but now it is becoming dangerous. How can I be perfect to do everything he wants? If he shoves me around I dare not resist or show displeasure. I am afraid to resist when he is overpowering me. It depresses me to think of jumping up and running after him instantly all day long, and he can't live alone. We only have one car. I get less than $500. a month Social Security. Yes, I can go to a woman's shelter if necessary. For how long? Should I leave him the car, and have none? He already throws my belongings away. I think he would throw everything of mine in the trash, and ½ of the house. If I leave our home, some legal decisions have said the “party” that leaves, abandons the home. He is very vindictive. I am afraid to leave for more than a couple of hours, or the marriage will be over.

I had written March 2nd about how he angrily grabbed my clothing at my neck and swung me back and forth recently. He has threatened me for years, either to smash me in the face, throw me physically out the door, or once he said he could cut off my legs. I had written last year about an incident years ago where he very forcefully held my hand over the burner on the stove and threatened to turn it on and put my hand down on it if I didn't “listen” to him, which in his economy means to agree with him. When I told someone, they dismissed it since he didn't go through with it and later told me I was playing the victim. It seems threats, and terrible words don't count. Several years ago after one big threat, I asked our daughter if I should call the police if he hits me? She had been married to an abuser years ago and had left him. She advised that if I called the police I would suffer for it afterward, with him being vindictive. She's right, he would be. He is a narcissist, I'm guessing halfway towards NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). He has memory loss, probably due to a lack of oxygen to the brain from untreated severe sleep apnea. By the time he was willing to treat it with a c-pap machine about 6 years ago, he would stop breathing when sleeping 63 times an hour. He also may have had additional memory loss from general anesthesia from two surgeries when he was 77 years old, coronary artery disease, lung damage from having had blood clots in his lungs, and heart failure. He will be 85 in a couple of weeks. He has had many TIA's (mini-strokes), brain bleeds, and 2 “small” strokes. That can change your personality, or exacerbate ongoing problems. He is very fragile and is developing another aneurysm in the aorta near his heart. He had 2 repaired 8 years ago but cannot go under general anesthesia unless it is a life-threatening emergency. They wouldn't even give him enough anesthesia for a colonoscopy when he was bleeding rectally because of his heart failure.

I tell you all this because many here on FS have said I should leave him when I complained. I would say it's too late. My husband also uses oxygen at night and until his last hospitalization he used it some during the day. His dizziness has been a problem for at least 5 years, and he has fallen several times. As he gets weaker he is less stable on his feet but won't take physical therapy. He still drives some when he is not dizzy. I suppose with age, memory loss, strokes, needing oxygen, heart failure, COPD, emphysema, and sleep apnea his brain is deteriorating. He has been in the hospital 6 times in the last year and a half, the last time in October with severe kidney failure. I don't know how he has lived so long. The other day he felt an electric shock go through his body. This can be from not taking his meds on time, or just his heart having trouble getting oxygen to his brain. He does not help keep the house or with meals, if I'm lucky he leaves things on the kitchen counter for me. There is no way he can make it on his own. Up to yesterday I always said I can't leave, and he wouldn't allow any other help for him or the house. In August and September he was seriously talking suicide, even writing notes and leaving money for our daughter and nephew. Sure I could have him committed for 72 hours. But he would be even more dangerous when he came out. Jail would be the only thing that would hold him, and he would die very quickly. Yes, I believe he is capable of murder and suicide. Because he is so charming, almost no one knows what our life is like behind closed doors. Certainly not our nephews and families. Our daughter knows some, but has no idea of the extent of it, and couldn't wrap her head around it if she did know. Do I dare send her a copy of this? She has stage 4 cancer and lives in another state. It seems very unkind to send it to her. I haven't seen my nephews in a couple of years and am not in their lives. They know nothing of this, and their disabled, mentally ill mother died two weeks ago, and the funeral home had to scrape her off the floor. They and their wives are dealing with the house of a hoarder, and are on their 5th dumpster just with the papers. I'm thinking of sending this to one of them, but it breaks my heart. If I knew my husband would kill me, and commit suicide, I wouldn't bother them. There is no one else. Okay, I will admit it, I suppose my husband's brain is getting worse. I wasn't afraid till yesterday. Yes, you are right, I am just as sick as he is, but in a different way. I will be 80 this year and am disabled. I don't want to tell him anything to anger him, or even to depress him. It could be catastrophic. I will not tell him what I am thinking. I have two very small bank accounts and will go take his name off and put on our daughter's name with mine. I don't think I can get to any of his. Oh, that makes me want to tell you that when I was 30, my mother died and left me $20,000. He took it and put it in an account in only his name, and I was not allowed access to it. Also, he took the car I earned in a multi-level marketing business. Because he liked it. He let me borrow it sometimes. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. And the perpetrators are so charming, you probably wouldn't believe the mental and emotional abuse. Yes, I've been to counseling. Yes, he went with me a couple of times, but he will not listen to ANYONE. Divorce is the only solution. I didn't know what it would be like to be afraid, and he would become more and more demanding. If the tone of my voice isn't perfect, or if he thinks I have a funny look on my face, he gets furious. There is no “home” that could hold him. Some probably think I am over-reacting but I have been watching Dr. Ramani on YouTube these last 2 weeks and am starting to learn what I am dealing with. Why haven't I ever heard of this before? Now I understand why he wants to commit suicide, he doesn't want to bother with old age, disability, and not being able to have relations each and every day.

I was so worried about his driving for many years, and he is so stubborn that I didn't know what to do about it. His van burned up 2 ½ years ago and I avoided replacing it. About a year ago he was getting dizzy more often and now lets me drive more than 95% of the time unless of course, he thinks I want to. Three years ago he said he would never turn his head to look in his blind spot, and he never has. He can't hear other cars honking at him when he pulls into them. For years he thinks he doesn't have to stop for stop signs if someone else is going through, he doesn't have to stop. That is not dementia, it is arrogance. He doesn't believe the rules apply to him. He will take the left-hand turn lane for the people going the opposite direction to pull into to wait for traffic. He goes through red lights. He tells me to shut the fuck up, and even to get out of the car, at 90 miles an hour if I don't like it. It terrifies me. He would drive without a license anyway if he were to lose it, and with no license, he would have no insurance. With an accident, they could take our house and everything we have.

Years ago, a small retail carpet store took our money ($3,000.00) and filed for bankruptcy the next day. When my husband went into the store to get our money back, evidently he got into a physical fight with a young man in the store who threw him to the floor. My husband was so mad, that he couldn't even talk to me for 6 months. He said he couldn't talk because he was controlling himself, to not go down and kill the young man. There is another man in our life who we only see at a distance a couple of times a year, who my husband doesn't like something the man is doing. The man is completely in the right, and my husband is in the wrong, but my husband has said numerous times that he would like to shoot him. By the way, there is no gun available. This man does not know this, and I don't think they have ever had even a little argument. I do my best to keep my husband away from him and my husband has not expressed animosity for him for a couple of years. But I know very well if my husband was around him, the problem would come right back. Is he worse? I don't know. Maybe he has less control. I'm tired, depressed, and now I am ready to die. I hope it's quick when it comes. With the Lord's help, I will not commit suicide. No, I want to go to Heaven more than anything.

125.4 lb Lost so far: 0 lb.    Still to go: 7.8 lb.    Diet followed 100%.