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Snowwhite100's Journal

 
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23 April 2024

Weigh-in: 130.8 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 17.8 lb Diet followed 100%
   (6 comments) losing 0.7 lb a week

06 April 2024

There are several people asking how I am so I should report in to let them know I am still hanging in. My weight went up to 134.8 from 117 after our daughter died when I could wear size 8 and even some 6's. but I am back in size 12's. Since I lost 4 inches in height I'm down to 5' tall so that makes me very fluffy. For the last 3 months, I have been having trouble with my heart. If I walk too fast, climb stairs, or push a grocery cart I get chest pressure that goes up into my throat. The cardiologist gave me nitro patches but I haven't used them. It's gone from about once a week to almost every day now, so I just have to slow down. I still do intermittent fasting about 16/8, waiting till about 12 to eat brunch but feel I can't extreme diet because of my heart. I went on a three-day sardine fast a couple of weeks ago advocated by Dr. Boz and lost several pounds but of course, at least one or two came back. I've given up wine and only have dessert about once a week, but it is only with the sardines that I started losing. Now I am trying to only have a can of sardines for brunch and have a regular dinner, but no snacks later, only herb tea. I did get hungry this afternoon and had a small grapefruit, almonds, and some cream cheese. The sardines are barely tolerable with mustard, but I wonder for how long. I was reading Debbie Cousin's journal and she wants to lose approximately 50 pounds by Aug 16th, which sounds very ambitious. If I picked an ambitious number for myself, it would be 14 pounds to go to 118 by that date, since I have slowed down so much. But it would put me in the neighborhood of where I was at when our daughter died. Giving up wine, most desserts, and now the sardines is what would give me hope. If we got even near our goals, it would be a miracle. She hurt her leg and back, and I have become a turtle. I am better emotionally than I was 6 months ago since my husband has not hit me since then. But he is angry at me almost every day which is a great strain. I am not perfect but I am trying to keep my mouth shut completely and do whatever he asks. With his memory loss, he gets very frustrated and wants me to help him with the computer. But many of the things he asks me about, I know little to nothing. His health keeps deteriorating and he feels the need for more and more oxygen. But it is his heart that is worse, not his lungs, even with the emphysema, and COPD. He was ready to go to the hospital to die yesterday but is better today. We did this exact scenario two weeks ago. His primary doctor is ordering a hospital bed for him so he can move downstairs but we do not have a bedroom downstairs. I have been sleeping on the couch in the living room for a year and a half now since he locked me out of our bedroom. When he moves downstairs I will move back up to our bedroom since his oxygen and CPAP are very noisy and he keeps the furnace turned up high because he is cold all the time. Between the noise and the high heat, I can't sleep even with earplugs.
Weigh-in: 132.4 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 19.4 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (12 comments) gaining 0.2 lb a week

20 February 2024

First the positive things in my life. I've only had a glass of wine twice and only 2 desserts or sugary sweets in 50 days. Last year I did that for 5 months. But I haven't lost any weight in that time. I eat too much bread and high carbs. At my age, and low muscle mass, I can't lose unless I am super strict. But I still count it a victory to have almost no alcohol and sweets. I still do intermittent fasting 7 days a week and average about 16 hours a day. Another positive thing in my life, as of the first of the year, I am getting out more. My local county Senior Center is only ½ mile from my house. They have an exercise class 3 times a week mostly in a chair, which is great for me. I don't make it each time but desire to go as much as possible. There are usually a couple of other once-a-week classes going on like beginning line dancing, therapy dancing, or crafts. Line-dancing at 82 isn't too bad, is it? They have once-a-month pot-luck lunches plus a field trip day. I went to each once now, and want to be more involved. I'm not interested in their crafts, bingo, games, or sing-alongs but might be if anything happens to my husband. Their exercise class is up to about 50 people now. I know getting to know a few ladies, and also just getting out is good for me. My husband doesn't like it and punishes me by throwing more of my things out in the trash. He did go with me to the potluck there, and also to another Senior Center lunch farther away twice. He has asked me to give him a list of where he can get food if he needs to fend for himself, so we went to 2 other Senior Centers where they have lunch, and they also deliver if you can't get out. I try to think positively about why he would think I wouldn't be able to keep shopping and cooking like if my back goes out again, or if I have a heart attack or stroke. I have been having more trouble with my heart for about a month or 6 weeks. My husband is still pretty strong most of the day but he needs oxygen most of the day now, as his heart slowly gets worse. It's very positive that 4 weeks ago I found a new church only 3 miles from my house that I like and have gone every Sunday since then plus a Valentine's dinner last night. I didn't know it had changed "hands" and is now non-denominational, and I like the pastor and people. I love having things close to home and am driving another lady. It is time for me to develop a "support" system. I am very friendly but don't make close friends easily (or at all). Another positive thing is that my husband has not hit me again since that awful time on August 17th. But he does continue to threaten me. The worst of it has been mostly about 3 or 4 years now. Today we were talking to his nephew on the phone who said he was gun shopping. My husband told him he had bought a 45 with only a 2” barrel for up-close shooting. His nephew asked if he had a holster and he said yes. I have no idea when or where my husband purchased his gun but it has to be within the time frame that he has been threatening me. I don't know if I should be sharing with you because of course, this means he is even more dangerous. But at 82 years of age, my very bad back, and $530. a month of Social Security (and now more heart trouble) I have no plans on leaving. There is nowhere I want to go, and nothing I want to do. I am pretty up and down emotionally and actually had 2 “melt-downs” this last month. One towards him, wailing that I can't do or be any better than I am. The other time was just to myself, saying the same thing. I've been better for a week or two and am handling the daily tensions and anger headed my way. But I admit I may be headed toward burnout. I throw myself on the mercy of the Lord to sustain me. Thank you, Lord. It's still hard for me to write here on FS since someone said they know me personally, and that I probably write too much. I hate to complain but as I told my husband, I can't do or be any better. There isn't any more of me.

02 January 2024

Happy New Year. Most of us, including me, have gained through the Holidays. My official weight to start the year, yesterday was 129.6 so I am down almost a half pound. My first goal this year is to give up sugary desserts or limit them to once or twice a month. Next, I'm considering how often I want to allow myself to have a glass of wine until I lose an as-yet-undecided amount of weight. Although my husband has not hit me again since August 17, I am still more upset since that time so I don't want to exclude that little luxury while I am making dinner, when he is particularly belligerent. Again, nearly two weeks ago he told me he may do it again, He has no remorse about repeatedly hitting me, so I feel much more betrayed and on guard. I still do not want to leave him and our home but realize I have no idea what each new day will bring. His heart is slowly getting worse. He often feels the need for more oxygen and thinks his oxygen equipment is defective. The doctor says it's not his COPD getting worse, but the problem is his heart. Last week he had 5 different doctor appointments plus lab work and a PET scan. His cancer has continued to shrink on its own. Very strange. My next goal for the new year is to start (again) going to our neighborhood senior exercise class. I stopped last year because of my back and the painful sciatica. Yesterday the other leg was very painful from sciatica, but I still hope to exercise more. I continue to jog very gently on my little Rebounder mini trampoline while watching television in my living room. I am averaging from 20 to 30 minutes a day but usually not all at once. Occasionally I will do about 10 minutes at once but more often I only do 2 or 3 minutes at one time. In fact, my new thing is that I am having a little more problem with my heart so am jogging perhaps a little slower than I did for my back problems, and even get off the Rebounder occasionally if I start getting the pressure in my chest. I do have 3 leaky valves and the cardiologist gave me some Nitro patches. At 82, I'm finally getting some restrictions in my veins and arteries. I'm so very grateful to the Lord that I can be up and active to drive, shop, cook, sew, and do dishes & laundry, even though my back starts hurting quite a bit when standing or at the sewing machine for more than a few minutes. Actually, I can still get down on my knees to wash my wood floors, it's just harder to get up. Unfortunately, my house is not clean, and I am ashamed of it. I have not done any gardening in a year except to trim the 70 rose bushes once or twice last year. That will be a goal of mine as spring approaches. I have small raised beds to grow vegetables in that laid fallow last year because the sciatica lasted 15 months. It was a hard year with our daughter dying of her cancer. I still can't believe she is gone, especially after losing our son to the drunk driver. We are very alone now, but the Lord is very gracious to me. I wish my husband had that in his life too. I pray constantly for his salvation. I know with his NPD that is remote but I constantly pray for it. It is sunny and beautiful here today in Los Angeles, with a high of about 60. I bought some discount coupons offered once a year at a massage school about 20 miles or so from me for only $27. for a 50-minute session. That was my Christmas present to myself with my Social Security money. Wow, I got a $13.00 raise for this year for a grand total of $543.00 a month. I think it's very good for me to get out and I've decided to join my neighborhood gals who go out to lunch once a month. I deserve it. I may even eat dessert.
Weigh-in: 129.2 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 16.2 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (23 comments) gaining 0.4 lb a week

14 December 2023

I'll record a Journal entry since there are a couple of people here on FS that worry about me when I don't. I'm still here but this has been a hard month for me mentally and emotionally, which of course affects us physically, including our eating. When I wrote three weeks ago our heater was out and I was having shooting pains in my back. The good news is #1. My husband has not hit me again in the last 4 months since that terrible incident in August. #2. After 4 weeks of no heat in our house, we now have a new furnace. And #3. My back, though painful when doing anything for more than a few minutes is not having those terrible shooting pains. Although I am very grateful to the Lord for having a dry roof over my head, a warm place to sleep, all the food I want, and nobody is shooting at us (yet) I spent most of the last month pretty depressed, which I must admit has caused me to lose control of much of my eating. The only redeeming thing in that department is that I almost always intermittently fast for about 16 hours a day. It does help keep the calories down, but I do it as much for my brain as for not gaining weight. I haven't weighed myself for about 3 days not even wanting to know the truth, but last time was less than an additional pound up since the last time I reported my gaining streak of about 3 pounds. I partake in a dessert nearly every day, wine almost every day while preparing dinner, and even some bread products. Being depressed and putting up with my husband's "antics" I consider them treats to comfort myself but we all know where that leads: to more and more. I realize and acknowledge I am living a difficult life that I am choosing so it is entirely understandable that I splurge for those comforts. But like nearly everyone else I am discomforted when I am gaining weight. It's a pity all those smaller clothes are just there waiting for me to exercise more discipline. I am definitely not suicidal because I want to go to Heaven more than anything. But I admit to last week having my first crying jag in years. And if I knew 100% that I would go straight to Heaven if I committed suicide I "would" do it, because of my husband's threats and abuse. I still do not want to leave, and there is nowhere I want to go. Yes, I am afraid, but not enough to want to leave him. The Lord is so gracious to me, to sustain me, and I am grateful. I praise Him continually. And resist Satan...

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