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A positive post today. Everything I said yesterday was true, but it is also true that I was tired, and depressed over my sister's death 3 weeks ago. Today was 2 doctor appointments for me, so I was out of the house for several hours. "Positive" The first appointment was a full body check with a dermatologist for the first time in my life. I knew I had one dark spot on my back that the doctor took a biopsy of, but she said she didn't think it is cancer. “Positive” Taking care of myself. The other appointment was taking x-rays of my back to just keep track of the changes since 8 years ago when I had a compression fracture of T11 in my mid-back helping my husband shower after getting out of the hospital from 2 big surgeries. He collapsed and I tried to hold him. It didn't work. All my life I have had fractures of L5 (below my waist) that I was apparently born with or was broken before I was 5. Eight years ago it showed 3 bulging disks, and I often now suffer from sciatica (leg pain) radiating from my back. There is nothing at this time to do for my back but my primary asked for them. Ok, it was easy.
I had a long lunch break in the car at “In-and-Out Burger”, enjoying the blue sky, fluffy clouds, and cheerful sun. It was quiet, serene, and good for me. The burger was on lettuce but I was down another .9, ate almost nothing yesterday so treated myself to a chocolate shake. Hopefully, it won't trigger me. Last night was my 7th day without wine, even though I badly wanted it being upset. It has been two months since I had any dessert (except the wine) so I expect to still meet my challenge with Debbie, Lord willing. “Positive”.
Then I went to my local bank where my little Social Security check goes and asked the questions you folks had recommended. Thank you for those suggestions. I told the man exactly my situation and asked what my options are to get the money in my name only. Since I do live in a community property state I wanted to know, first if they would allow me to have an account without my husband? Yes. This joint account was always only my money, and I absolutely am going to change it, just in case things go south. Second I wanted to know, could my husband ask if I have an account there, because if so I would go to another bank. No. They will only tell him (if he asks) that the joint account with him has been closed, but not answer any question about anyone else's accountant even if he directly asks about me. Another “positive”! I clarified the best way to have my nephew on it with me.
Late last night I emailed my FS journal from yesterday and a letter to a 2nd cousin in Nebraska telling her I avoided my extended family back there all these years because of our problems. I had spoken to her recently about my sister's death. She is so very nice, is about 60, and her brother and sister-in-law had stayed with us when their son played football in the Rose Bowl some years ago and went on to play professionally for Cincinnati. I am now laid bare for my mother's side of the family. Nearly all my contemporaries are gone, and the young people hardly know of me. I told her I don't want anything but am just looking for a friend, and possibly some level-headed advice someday, and suggested she share my letter with her brother and sister-in-law who have both been teachers (and football coach). You folks are right, and I am coming out of isolation. “Positive”. Because of our daughter's stage 4 cancer and her negativity towards me, I am not telling her at this time how far this thing has gone. She is in denial, and might just feel more negative towards me. The stress would be bad for her cancer.
However, I took the plunge, and this morning I e-mailed the FS journal to one of my nephew's wives so they would know what's happening here. I then called and spoke to him briefly and he was totally shocked and never suspected any such thing was going on. So now both of my sister's sons and their wives, that live about 50 miles from me, will know... I told him I wasn't asking for anything, but may want him and his wife to sign on a checking account with me, with my money. The only thing I ask is that if I die or am incapacitated that they give the money to our daughter to help take care of my husband. I trust my nephews. They are actually the ones that I would probably turn to for help if I were in a truly desperate situation since I have no one else. What was the statement in the movie "Fiddler on the Roof" when they were leaving for America? "A relative is a relative." They are all I have. It's unfortunate timing for them that their mother (my sister) just died 3 weeks ago, and they are dealing with her house. The son I spoke to, and his wife, are the ones that were totally estranged from her (a Narcissist) but have stepped up to the plate to help his brother with the house. They filled a 22' dumpster with just the old paperwork. I am so sorry to burden them with my news, but I don't want anything from them. Her funeral will be near the end of April because the cemeteries in Los Angeles are so busy. In a couple of weeks, they will have taken what they want from her house, then I will go look if there is anything I want before they have an estate sale, then fix and rent the house. It was hard for me, but with your support, I am taking myself out of isolation. “Positive,” I think. I say our daughter might feel negative towards me, but everyone may feel that way. But if my husband commits suicide like he was talking about, I'm going to be glad I told them.
Going home from my half-day out I stopped at my neighbor's house directly across the street and got her e-mail address, to also send my FS journal to her. I know her best in the neighborhood and she keeps a key to our house for us. We sat outside for about an hour while I explained the situation. She had an awfully hard time understanding Narcissism and that confronting him only inflames him. I finally just said think of it as someone with dementia that becomes combative. She is very sweet and wants only my best. She asked what she could do, but there is nothing. It's just that I want a neighbor to know if I leave for a day or a night if I have to, or we have a shouting match in the front yard. If I need safety during the day, I can run there. But she still doesn't get it. It's okay. But just taking myself out of isolation is, I believe, the right thing. “Positive” I also e-mailed the journal to a Christian semi-friend that is in a small (3 other gals) prayer chain I'm in. I used to see her once a year, for the last 30 years before Covid. One of the gals in the group is critical of me, but they are all great prayer warriors. I may get the chance to get together with her occasionally on her lawn, I hope. As you all say, I need friends and family. These people are remote but they are the best and only ones I have. I don't know how else to cultivate relationships, especially now with Covid. We are still locked down here, with only patio dining. Los Angeles has had 22,000 deaths due to Covid. My husband and I are not getting the vaccine yet because of our allergies. But I am reaching out. “Positive” This was a big move for me, and part of me still thinks I am over-reacting and feel stupid. And know I will look stupid to every one of them. But I am trying to be true to who and what I am. I'm sorry I'm not individually responding to all your comments yesterday, and I'm sorry I created such a firestorm, with public and private messages.
After 5 hours out, I went home and took a nap. “Positive” My usual pattern (and last night) is only about 5 hours of sleep a night. Being sleep-deprived for months hasn't helped me. I intermittent fasted 18 hours yesterday, 17 hours today, ate very little dinner (canned green beans in salad dressing) so that chocolate shake was just giving me an unusual treat, even though it promotes my sugar addiction. Less has, in the past, made me fall off the wagon, but I will steel myself tomorrow and not let it this time. Tonight was my 8th day of no wine, holding onto my discipline. “Positive”
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124.5 lb
Lost so far: 0 lb.
Still to go: 11.5 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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losing 6.3 lb a week
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