FullaBella's Journal, 08 February 2020

Well, if you’re reading this it means I managed to get something down in print and out of my head in the … half hour I have until I leave for .. wait for it.. THE GUN SHOW.

Calm down. This isn’t me showing off my biceps or triceps or muscles. This is a real gun show with good ole boys and great tales of history. Yes, I’m just that easily amused.

It also means I’ve stepped away from the sewing machine, YouTube tutorials about sewing, online patterns for quilting and online shopping for fabric for quilting.

Great hobby, that quilting thing. You take full sheets of pretty fabric & cut it all into little pieces just to sew back together.

Yet it’s fun. See paragraph two about my being easily amused.

I was reflecting on my reflection this morning. Was that poetic or what?

In simpler terms, I was staring at my naked body in the mirror this morning and as I am prone to do (like most women) I was picking it apart.

For the life of me I’ll never forgive Cutty for having a full walled mirror installed in the bathroom. There’s just no way of NOT seeing myself.

Well, to be accurate, it’s over the vanity so I don’t see my feet in the mirror that much. So, yeah, there’s that.

But then there’s a full length mirror on the opposite wall so just in case the full frontal doesn’t depress me, the rear reflection will finish me off.

So everything is FRONT and CENTER. The flab. The sag. The wrinkles. So many wrinkles. I look like someone took me out of the dryer too late.

And then there’s the Buddha belly. I think I could sell photographs of me naked for universal birth control.

But I turned it around as I always do. I have to or I’d have lost my mind decades ago. I remembered to love my body because it is proof of a life.

I may not have the sexiest arms or legs but I have them and they work.

And that belly? That ‘did the woman swallow a watermelon or is she 8 months pregnant’ belly? It’s proof that I’ve not been hungry.

I may not have been the wisest or healthiest in my life, but I have been blessed to have had a home and food.

I started watching a movie last night that listed a statistic that countries with the most wealth (and food available) also have the most eating disorders.

But I’m not going to explore that in too much detail here today. It was interesting but I didn’t finish the movie so I can’t expand on it. Yeah, lucky you.

Every so often I take inventory and conduct little meetings in my mind.

Well, sometimes they are out loud and my dog just repeatedly tilts her head trying to make sense of my rambling while waiting for the key words she knows like ‘go’, ‘bed’, ‘eat’ and of course, ‘treat’.

All of the signs of repeated weight gain, loss, regain and ‘reloss’ (yes, Google is telling me that’s not a real word but I’m using it anyway) notwithstanding, the inventory discussion this morning included ‘age’.

There’s just something about it that no matter how much you hear it growing up - it’s hard to believe and comprehend. But age does play a factor in all of this.

I know there are some people here who don’t believe it. That’s wonderful. They will be the exception to the rule or they’ll someday experience it and understand it too.

I recall feeling bullet-proof in my 30’s compared to my 20’s. I also experienced feeling more self-confident in my 40’s compared to my 30’s.

My 50’s? Well, let’s just say this decade has brought about the glaring inevitability of my mortality and need to embrace each day with gratitude at any weight.

Point? I guess my point for today is that despite my jokes and ever self-effacing persona here… despite my imperfections and physical failures … despite all that?

I do love myself. Yeah, I'm borderline Stuart Smalley.

I can stand to hug someone I love, move and take care of myself, walk pretty much anywhere I need, lift my dog up to put her on the bed with me, and sit up to enjoy .. yeah, wait for it.. sewing.

Among the reflection was of course a check in on my weight, eating and mental health of all of that.

It does take a toll doesn’t it?

I just cannot make my life 24/7 about it. Not now. I have too many things going on. So I try to be smart about my intake and conscious about using my energy.

I’m in that phase again where the scale is just bouncing up and down the same 1-2lbs over and over. I recall this from around August or September when I wrote ‘then’ that I was okay with it.

Yeah, even as I type this I envision someone reading and smirking, ‘Yeah, right, B… total BS’ but it’s not. I’m okay with taking it slow this time. Being the turtle & not racing to win.

Any more metaphors I can toss in here? Sure. But I won’t. Y’all are smart cookies. You get me.

The one thing I recognized that I need to rein back a bit this week is the ‘snacking’. I stupidly shopped hungry one day and bought far too many snacks. Cheese crackers. Cheese sticks. See a theme here?

And let’s not forget those mystery label Chocolate Chunk Fiber One cookies that I bought more for the chocolate chunk than for the fiber.

Anyway. Snacking addressed? Check. Self love confirmed? Check.

So in closing, let me just offer this.

Go do it.

Go do your own physical inventory and instead of seeing your ‘perception of flaws based on some movie star, model, magazine cover’ - see your own beauty.

Embrace yourself and recognize your gratitude where you are today.

See ya at the Gun Show.

B

---

1836 kcal

Fat: 100.82g | Prot: 73.98g | Carb: 174.02g.   Breakfast: Land O'Lakes Salted Butter, Banana Bread, Coffee, Coffee-Mate Sugar Free French Vanilla Liquid Coffee Creamer, Cream (Half & Half). Lunch: Synergy Watermelon Wonder Kombucha. Dinner: Pork Spareribs, Cabbage . Snacks/Other: Fiber One Soft Baked Bars Cinnamon Coffee Cake. more...

2047 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...