Annabelle3117's Journal, 08 December 2014

Good morning everyone, hope you had a wonderful weekend! Mine could have been a lot better.

I did very well all day Friday, but over ate at the Christmas party. People give me anxiety, usually I drink at the party and that takes the edge off, but I wasn't drinking so instead I ate. I made up for it by going straight to the gym after class Saturday morning. I did forty-five minutes on the elliptical and strength training at home. All day Saturday I kicked ass and stayed within my RDI. Sunday I was immediately discouraged by a gain on the scale, then I had to go to my grandmas to visit an uncle who was up from out of state. All of the anxiety coupled with my disappointment led to another bad day of eating. Ugh, seems like I can't win. I woke up today with a 'why bother' attitude, but here I am journaling and logging my breakfast. I'm not infallible, I get discouraged and with the weight of the load on my shoulders and how far I am weight wise from where I was it starts to feel pretty pointless.

I guess it's pretty fair to say that I am depressed. To be completely open and honest I found paraphernalia left out in the open at my moms house a week ago, it belonged to my brother. My mom continues to let him live there.I have set my boundaries clearly stating that I absolutely will not under any circumstance go to her house period so long as he lives there. I can't put myself or my children at risk. If she wants to live like that then fine, the issue is that my 15 year old developmentally delayed sister lives there as well. I don't know what to do, I have never been so torn in all of my life. What I feel towards my mom is resentment, bordering on hate. I'm pissed, I am so pissed, and I feel helpless. Also been having some issues with my self image. An incident with my husband has left me feeling pretty defeated. He swears up and down that he is attracted to me but his body language says otherwise and I just feel like I'm not really any good to anyone. I can't save my sister, I'm unattractive, I feel like I don't have the confidence to make a good nurse and now I can't even hold myself together when I'm trying so hard. It just seems like everything is so fucked right now.

So, welcome to my world. You don't have to comment if you feel uncomfortable, I absolutely understand. I feel pretty uncomfortable myself lol. I just needed to get it out is all. Hopefully that will free me up enough to be able to get back to being able to handle it all.

Hope everyone has a good day <3

Diet Calendar Entry for 08 December 2014:
343 kcal Fat: 9.89g | Prot: 9.79g | Carb: 55.01g.   Breakfast: Coffee-Mate Original Powder Creamer, Great Value Toasted Whole Grain Oat Cereal, Great Value 2% Reduced Fat Milk. more...

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Comments 
I know you probably hear this all the time, and I know how bad it is to be in a situation with an addict family member, but it will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it. You need to make sure though that you are taking care of yourself too. Your mother will make her own choices, and will have to face her own consequences. I personally think you are beautiful and will make such a great nurse someday. Just keep moving forward and everything will get better! 
08 Dec 14 by member: xohhjeez
Glad you were able to voice your frustration. You're right, it is amazing at what "getting it out there" can do. Yolanda, you've been an inspiration getting me to be the who I am today...a big thanks to that "No Scale" challenge you did for us this year. I encourage you to again stay off the scale and focus on those other aspects to make for a positive start to your days. ((Hugs)) I'm still a fan! 
08 Dec 14 by member: mgrill
You are a beautiful person! You are beautiful inside and out. Even to those who don't read your journals, your picture shows a beautiful person. Don't doubt yourself because you think others doubt you. Your hubby might be having his own issues right now. Men's libidos can be "off whack" too. Maybe he needs more zinc (oysters maybe) in his diet, etc. Your being "down in the mouth" might be effecting him too. Please take one step at a time, one day at a time to heal yourself. You can't always fix what is going on in your brother's, sister's, or mom's lives. You have to concentrate on you and your children. That is hard enough. The world will be a better place with you as a nurse and your future will be better when you focus on that goal. Your hubby will help you if he is a supportive man. If not, you can do it anyway!! Have faith and confidence in yourself!!  
08 Dec 14 by member: kattay
Now stop it! Your hubby MARRIED you when you were much heavier than you are now. He loves you then and now. You are a smaller version of what he married. I use that too when I don't want to lose more. Well my boobs will get even smaller if I do. That is what hubs loves when it comes time for you know what. Well...he also needs me alive to have access to those! When he married me they were smaller...then came the breastfeeding...and the weight gain and the huge boobs that came along for the ride. That is the only benefit of being bigger. You will make an awesome NURSE...because of your compassion and caring personality. You also were rocking your tests before those meds started messing with your head. Now shake it off and move on. Your mess up Mom with her son needs to realize that to keep her daughter safe she needs to send the adult child away. He is not going to get better with her enabling. If he means more to her than your sister that is sad. Tell her if she does not keep his paraphernalia out of the reach of your sister that you will call child protection and let them deal with what should happen. It is not safe for your kids or your sister to have access to those items. It may take her losing your sister for her to learn that she is responsible for more than just your brother's happiness. This is not something you can turn a blind eye to. Perhaps you should take in your sister and care for her with your family. There should be money from the social security to care for your sister that could financially assist your family as well. Just an idea. I know how much you love your sister. I would hate for something accidental to happen to her. 
08 Dec 14 by member: kmunson
My wife and I are losing weight together. She is just as beautiful now as she is then, and she says the same about me. You need to stop being so down on yourself. I can be that way sometimes too, but I have found that I have more confidence about me now, and it helps block the bad ground in feelings. Just know that you are doing a wonderful job. You are going to be a great nurse, because even the best of people need to be able to let it go sometimes. As for your family, I hope that everything works out for the best. I don't really have any other words for you other than that. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that things work out well for you. I hope you have a great day, and a wonderful week. 
08 Dec 14 by member: JDbowler
Lot's of good advise given, but ultimately YOU have to look out for YOU. Your kids depend on you to look out for them too. I don't really know enough about your relationship with your husband to form an opinion (nor should I), but I do know with my wife and I, sometimes she reads things into conversations (or lack there of) that just aren't there. Maybe more conversation is needed? As far as the other situation, I think you're right on track. I would've NEVER subjected my kids (or my grandkids now) to a dangerous situation as the one you're describing at your mother's house. Keep your kid's best interest at the front of your mind. I do understand your worries for your sister though. Now to address your self doubt..........you have come such a long way on your weightloss journey and you're making great progress towards a very good career. Hang in there. I did look at your picture you've posted and you ARE a beautiful girl (I say girl because I'm probably old enough to be your father). You really shouldn't think otherwise. Hang in there and have a great week. 
08 Dec 14 by member: LittleRedFlatBack
Yo, I totally admire your ability to see your brother's addiction and your mother's enablement (which is kind of like an addiction also, so they are both addicts, really) from an objective perspective. How much you truly care about your sister being in that situation really comes through in your journal - it speaks to how much of an amazing person you are. I have no advice that you probably haven't thought of, but my first inclination would be to speak to a disabled rights organization (they are usually non-profits) about your sister living with an addict; maybe there's something they can recommend to make it a safer situation for her. As for your relationship with your husband, you were beautiful before you even started your weight loss journey (when he married you!) and you are a total knockout now. I can't imagine that what's bothering him has anything to do with you. I think it's normal for relationship dynamics to change over time - as we age, as we lose/gain weight, as our bodies and looks change, etc, but if something is truly bothering him, it's his responsibility to speak up so you guys can talk it out. Sending you all my support <3 
08 Dec 14 by member: PepperMill
Wow ...... it stinks being human .... but from my perspective it all starts with you. Your power .... Your responsibility ... Lies within the lady who stares back at you in the mirror. Love God ... Love you ....it empowers you to love the imperfections that surround you. I watched my mother make bad choices most of her life. She didn't change ..... at least not significantly. I watch people that I love make bad choices ..... It saddens me ..... and I share those feelings. I did threaten a young mom with CPS in regard to her drug use ........ and I told that I loved her ..... she didn't respond immediately .... Actually she hated me, but today she is a totally different person ..... we are closer than ever. It's hard being human. But again, from my perspective .... If you want to help your mother, your brother, your sister, your husband, and your kids ..... It starts with you. The better you ....makes a better person .... Love the creation that stares at you in he mirror ..... the world needs you! 
08 Dec 14 by member: glen
BEEN THERE,DONE THAT. Doesn't really help anyone unless what's learned is shared to help another in the same spot. So here goes,I hope you're listening. Its mind games & YOU are blowing things out of proportion. You KNOW(in your mind) your husband loves you,so many times you have expressed it in your journals.(You want to *feel* loved,that's an emotion in your heart) As for the other "issues" in your life because of someone else' behavior,YOU can't change THEM,isn't it hard enough just changing YOU?! (You KNOW this, so again, its an emotion you are needing to deal with.) BUT,you *do* KNOW what to do about it. You already did it,you voiced your thoughts & feelings to the one who is at the root of the "issue". If that isn't good enough for YOU,then as Glen mentioned, YOU *do* more of what is in YOUR power to make the difference that YOU want. Many things were suggested from other fs buddies.So as Kmunson says: STOP IT! Stop letting your emotional heart call the shots on how you will feel or what you will do. YOU want to *feel* pretty? "Pretty is, as pretty does."---Forrest Gump 
08 Dec 14 by member: myawethinTICself
It *really* IS as simple as that :) I hope I wasn't to harsh but the HEART can be very treacherous,when WE allow it. 
08 Dec 14 by member: myawethinTICself
Yolanda, Don't let this get you down. I have done this all my life just as you are doing now. Don't let this bring you down. My daughter said something to me this past few months which changed my whole way of dieting. She is 24 and has struggled with weight loss, she was depressed and unhappy and kept putting on the pounds. In September this year we both started dieting, we talked about dieting constantly and on one of these days she got really mad at me. She said that I had been a really bad role model to her as a "DIETER" because I used to go on diet strictly loose a few pound than only to gain it back and this went on all her life. She saw me failing all the time and she does the same thing. This really hurt that I had done this to my daughter, it made me cry for days. I did not tell her till I lost some weight. I told her that I was sorry that I had been such a bad role model to her in this sense. From that day on, I have not fallen off the wagon. She also has been doing really well. I think she lost 4 dress sizes. All this is to say that stay true to yourself, stop getting mad at yourself and don't ever give up. You have to do this for yourself and no one else. Don't think about it as dieting, think of it as your religion. I am a Muslim and I do not eat pork nor do I eat any meat that is not Kosher or Halal and I do not drink. There is nothing anyone can say to me to make me eat those things. Think of your diet as a religion and don't eat any sugar or flour or pasta or potatoes or peas, anything that is not good for you. You wills see the pounds dropping off. Walk a lot and drink a lot of water. You will be okay. I promise.  
08 Dec 14 by member: whykay15
My dear beautiful friend---- You are going to be an amazing nurse. Life throws punches at us all. There is no shame in feeling down about it. You know...you can't control what your mom does (any more than your brother). I know that protective inner nurse in you wants to intervene because of your sister but you are doing all that you can.  
08 Dec 14 by member: 2ManyCurves
Glad you're finding support to work through these challenges here, and that you're being honest with yourself and everyone else. No easy answers, but you seem on the right track to find your own way to live healthy in every way, and that can only have positive effects in the long run on those you love. 
08 Dec 14 by member: Woperchild

     
 

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