FullaBella's Journal, 25 November 2013

Monday - November 25th - I've been awake since 3am despite being up several times taking care of DH. He had a very hard night but he's resting quietly right now. Even the satellite receiver resetting didn't wake him so I turned the TV off for the first time in a week.

And with a confession that will probably earn me the 'Bah Humbug' label, I'm so relieved to get a break from the never ending Hallmark Christmas movies he's been watching. Never Ending. I'm actually starting to miss the Simpsons and Family Guy. Well, not miss them but anything would be a nice break from those sappy movies.

My meatloaf was a fail - well, it had a good flavor but came out more casserole than loaf. The rest of the meal was good but after eating TWO biscuits with gravy for breakfast I struggled a while between 'are you really feeding hunger or are you feeding emotions' when I ate. The evening ended much better than Saturday with no 'endless mindless grazing' right at the end.

I can't determine if I'm compensating or if this is just pure coincidental timing but I'm in acquisition mode again. Now I'm thinking of getting new cookware as mine has taken quite the beating over the last year or so with my renewed passion for cooking. So I continue to browse wondering 'what do I want'. I felt like a wimp picking up some of those pieces that seemed so heavy they required both hands to lift. I could only imagine if they had food in them. Copper, stainless steel, non stick surface.. so many decisions.

I also think this latest quest for shopping is because I'm a little blocked with the hobbies I picked up this year. Painting has been challenged as it seems DH calls me for something just as the muses start talking to me and getting them to return has been futile. The frigid temps are minimizing the ability to work in my yard or enjoy the outside to take photographs. I'm considering sewing - that usually has some sort of a pattern so it seems like it can withstand the interruptions.

I was reflecting in my offline journal that while I tell people 'I'm not a hugger' I actually am when the feeling is genuine. I look forward to a good hug from my real life friend and Saturday I actually hugged another trader when he was the only person in the room who seemed to be aware of me knocking from behind a locked door and he was across the room. My own Grandson and another lady were sitting so close to the door I am sure their bones vibrated when I KICKED the door but no reaction from either of them.

As DH grows sicker I grow so tired of all the lip service from his 'associates' that I said to one, when voiced 'you tell him I'm gonna come see him as soon as I get a chance' .. my response was 'if you really mean that you need to plan it soon.'

No snow or sleet but really cold. Mushy had to go potty and she didn't tarry at all this time. As soon as she came back in she was back up on the bed to snuggle in the warming blanket. Her snoring is endearing as she presses tighter and tighter against me.

I know I humanize her far too much and probably talk to her far more during the day than I do to anyone else. She's my most constant companion. I actually think she's sensing what's going on around here as she continues to want to be closer and closer to me. In a way it's like she's sucking up, LOL.

I also recognized I'll never get 'Nana of the Year'. Part of my frustration when I was locked out at the show was I phoned my grandson but he didn't answer. I just don't GET it. These folks, at least, my GS, SD and SIL walk around with their cell phones IN their hands as if they are permanently attached to their palms with their necks bent over to the point I wonder if they're going to get osteoarthritis from staring at their hands while they swipe and text and read YET when I phone: NO ANSWER.

So my frustrated rant went something like 'oh, sure, all of you people always have the latest effing phones with the latest effing features but you never answer the effing phones because you're always so busy texting and swiping and surfing and listening to music on the fancy effing phones you can't tell when you're getting an effing phone call! My ancient antique basic piece of crap effing phone may not have all that effing crap but at least I effing answer it when people effing call it!'

Another recognition: I realize I have only so much compassion for sick people and DH has consumed all of it. The GS was telling me on the way to the show he'd had an upset stomach all week, blah blah .. (see, I stopped listening) and even though he was up and joking with his buddies at the show, getting soda, having pizza from another buddy, well, back at the table he sat like a lump and even put his head down on the showcase ((until I ordered him to lift it.)) So maybe I do have compassion for the sick, I just don't have patience for the frauds.

Strike two on Nana of the Year votes... I said 'head off the table NOW... I don't let your brother get away with that and neither will you. Sit up, stand up if you have to, look alive. '

I don't have anymore shows scheduled this year ... and he really needs to find a weekend job if he's ever going to afford a car ... so I am already thinking ahead about changing what I do as if I EVER have any control on my future.

It's WEIRD to think of a time when I won't have DH pushing me to do things HIS way. Unlike a child wanting to rebel from ANYTHING their parent has advised just for the sake of rebellion, I'm trying to think and chose wisely.

I really 'don't' like doing shows that much - has always seemed conflicting to me to load stuff up to go PAY to have a table to put the stuff on and hopefully sell a few things - but it is about the only way to get exposure and pick up new customers. I did many a show alone when he was in the hospital. I could start carrying less.

I can't remember the last time I sat on my bed typing like this without hopping up for one thing or another. My butt went numb. I had to slide down in the bed to take the pressure off.

Sounds like a good indicator of a very long journal so time to end this one. Thank you for reading.

Bella