jsfantome's Journal, 22 June 2013

2nd Journal today - thanks so much to all of you - your consistent encouragement has been a 'relief'.

Been reading about Disordered Eating and Emotional Eating. I don't think I have an eating disorder - if I did I would be honest and tell you. I just think I struggle w/ emotional eating (which to me, is a disorder of sorts!) I cannot remember a time in my life, whether happy - or devestated - and every emotion in between - that I didn't end up 'turning to food'. I celebrate w/ food. I soothe w/ food. I numb the loneliness or pain or grief w/ food. I comfort myself in ways that nothing else seems to 'fit the bill'. And once 10 lbs gained, then 20... I just seemed to give up. Was in a very negative place - and I gave up caring.

In the last few weeks, I have realized that I do care - and that physical hunger is definitely not my problem. I am going to start counseling w/ someone in an effort to move past some of the hurts. And some of the loss and grief associated w/ my Mom & Dad. It was in my initial conversation - where I was asked 'What do you want to gain out of this experience / these sessions?' - and I heard myself say "I just want to be free from thinking about it". I want a lifestyle that becomes second nature. I want to be happy with the efforts I put into each day - and when I lie down at night - I want to feel my life and my day were lived w/out regret.

I have some goals. Of course! Don't we all. I am not sure how I feel about weighing in. I'm not sure WEIGHT is one of my goals. (well it is certainly one measure...but not the number.) I want to be comfortable. Right now I am not. I want to wear clothing I think looks attractive. Right now I do not. I want to feel healthy, and active and alive...Right now...I am alive! LOL!!! (Well, actually I am a weee bit active (as I hit the gym this morning for the first time in ages!!).

I sometimes think the 'pendulum' can swing too far in either direction. Where I was once completely absorbed and motivated to lose the weight - I ended up completely not giving a rip! Burned out, and tired of 'thinking about it!'

I do know that somewhere inside this mind of mine - I know how to eat. And what to do. But I don't want to live a life of 'I SHOULD'. I want to be comfortable in my life enough to choose. So I have finally chosen not to be fat!

It may take me six months or three or 12 to walk out that choice. But I don't care. Once the pressure of the decision is off my shoulders... it's a done deal. I don't get up each day and RE-Decide every decision in my life. And this is no exception. I choose to be healthy. And happy.

I forgive myself for giving up on me. I am worth so much more. Now, it's time to get back to life... and honey is waiting... so I am off to go build/fix a garage. (that's a long story...too long...maybe another day!)

Much Love.