jsfantome's Journal, 22 June 2013

2nd Journal today - thanks so much to all of you - your consistent encouragement has been a 'relief'.

Been reading about Disordered Eating and Emotional Eating. I don't think I have an eating disorder - if I did I would be honest and tell you. I just think I struggle w/ emotional eating (which to me, is a disorder of sorts!) I cannot remember a time in my life, whether happy - or devestated - and every emotion in between - that I didn't end up 'turning to food'. I celebrate w/ food. I soothe w/ food. I numb the loneliness or pain or grief w/ food. I comfort myself in ways that nothing else seems to 'fit the bill'. And once 10 lbs gained, then 20... I just seemed to give up. Was in a very negative place - and I gave up caring.

In the last few weeks, I have realized that I do care - and that physical hunger is definitely not my problem. I am going to start counseling w/ someone in an effort to move past some of the hurts. And some of the loss and grief associated w/ my Mom & Dad. It was in my initial conversation - where I was asked 'What do you want to gain out of this experience / these sessions?' - and I heard myself say "I just want to be free from thinking about it". I want a lifestyle that becomes second nature. I want to be happy with the efforts I put into each day - and when I lie down at night - I want to feel my life and my day were lived w/out regret.

I have some goals. Of course! Don't we all. I am not sure how I feel about weighing in. I'm not sure WEIGHT is one of my goals. (well it is certainly one measure...but not the number.) I want to be comfortable. Right now I am not. I want to wear clothing I think looks attractive. Right now I do not. I want to feel healthy, and active and alive...Right now...I am alive! LOL!!! (Well, actually I am a weee bit active (as I hit the gym this morning for the first time in ages!!).

I sometimes think the 'pendulum' can swing too far in either direction. Where I was once completely absorbed and motivated to lose the weight - I ended up completely not giving a rip! Burned out, and tired of 'thinking about it!'

I do know that somewhere inside this mind of mine - I know how to eat. And what to do. But I don't want to live a life of 'I SHOULD'. I want to be comfortable in my life enough to choose. So I have finally chosen not to be fat!

It may take me six months or three or 12 to walk out that choice. But I don't care. Once the pressure of the decision is off my shoulders... it's a done deal. I don't get up each day and RE-Decide every decision in my life. And this is no exception. I choose to be healthy. And happy.

I forgive myself for giving up on me. I am worth so much more. Now, it's time to get back to life... and honey is waiting... so I am off to go build/fix a garage. (that's a long story...too long...maybe another day!)

Much Love.
on diet jsfantome's own diet  


Paula, I wrote a long comment and it just disappeared! Just know I'm back and sending positive energy your way :-) It has been a very stressful year for me (gained a bunch). I also just want to feel good again. Take care! Joyce 
22 Jun 13 by member: JMA312
So glad you are back, and so glad you are finding value in being here. Glad you are still with your honey too. I think lots of us overweight folks are emotional eaters and like I said previously I don't think anyone's hjourney is ever done. Every ex-smoker, ex-drinker and ex-overweight person, always has to be on guard. Maybe not what you want to hear but I believe its the truth, for me, at any rate. As soon as I become complacent and think I've got this licked, I fall down, gain and end up having to refocus. So you are not alone and I am so glad that you are back here with us. 
22 Jun 13 by member: sarahsmum
I have to say that it is a relief to see that we are all human and we all have our own battles to win. This has to be the best place for those of us that keep on trying because WE ARE WORTH IT. Paula, I really liked what you said about " "I just want to be free from thinking about it". I want a lifestyle that becomes second nature. I want to be happy with the efforts I put into each day - and when I lie down at night - I want to feel my life and my day were lived w/out regret." I think that is something we all want out of our lives. It's worth working for. Have a nice weekend with your honey. 
22 Jun 13 by member: Mom2Boxers
Hey Paula..it is so nice to see your sweet smile back on here...Your doing the right thing by trying not to think as much as you have about every thing..it stresses us too much to do so ...You are so worth the effort to take care of you again...Hugs...:O) 
22 Jun 13 by member: BHA
It's good it is not physical hunger - mine is - I am ravenous from three or four meds I am on. I am eating after dinner, a surefire sign one has lost control, so to speak. Even if it is just soup or popcorn, ate a big bag of it the other day... I understand where you're at - take care.  
22 Jun 13 by member: GlennM
thanks everyone...will be back tomorrow. nite nite. 
23 Jun 13 by member: jsfantome
I know the feeling, Paula. and I love the idea of weight as a measure, not the goal. Glad to see you back and fighting for you. 
23 Jun 13 by member: Helewis
This sounds a lot like the "Old Paula" - nice to have you back! 
23 Jun 13 by member: BuffyBear


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