FullaBella's Journal, 27 November 2012

Cooler Tuesday here. The scale moved down a couple of notches this morning but I'm not recording it yet ~ has to meet the 3 day criteria and I think somewhere in the hubbub of things I didn't reach my daily 130oz water intake goal so I could just be dehydrated. Pushing the water today; 3/4 of the way through and for all the things I am grateful I am most thankful I have a bathroom close by.

Walked to the courthouse this morning to renew my auto tags. Forgot the pedometer but am proud I walked period. Whenever I choose to walk somewhere these days I always reflect how less than 4 months ago I would have driven (or sent someone for me).

Finally got around to scheduling followup labwork and doc appointment. Will go for my fasting blood sugar & cholesterol check in the morning ::: if they get the order:: and have doc followup Monday.

In case you joined my journey late ~ this current 'eat healthy' trip originated from me allowing the doc to talk me into labwork (have avoided it 3 years now knowing the results wouldn't be cheery based on my massive weight regain and garbage intake).

Actually, it began a couple of days before that. And although I have a nifty little bio written, I don't think I've ever told 'this' story in a journal so here goes.

I already had my doc visit scheduled for refills on my blood pressure medicine but had taken MH to his vascular surgeon two days before that for a checkup and his doctor actually asked ME if *I* had a doctor and was getting my cholesterol checked.

It stunned me. I've been there in the exam room and hospital and surgery rooms with MH for going on 6 years now through VasDoc's multiple operations and he's barely acknowledged my existence beyond being a great source of information (I can spout off the procedures better than most of his staff) and MH's caretaker.

So for HIM to be asking about ME and my HEALTH personally - well, my response to him was 'Excuse me, is there something particularly alarming about my appearance? I mean, Dude, (yes, I called a vascular surgeon 'dude') you're freaking me out here!'

He responded in a stammer and said 'well....uh.... we know that caretakers don't take the best care of themselves... I just want to be sure you're not forgetting....' yet I knew or at least self deduced he didn't want to say 'geez, FB, you've racked on at least 100lbs in the six years I've been taking care of your husband! Of course your appearance is alarming!'

So two days later sitting at the doc's office I gave into the lab order request ~ and paid $350 out of pocket to have confirmed in writing what I'd already suspected ~ blood sugar and cholesterol through the roof and no way I could blame this weight gain on a lazy thyroid (yes, I tried to go for that plausible deniability too).

A week later, waiting for the two-week follow up with the doc knowing the 'here come the Meds' talk would be on the agenda, I decided 'Gee, FB, you KNOW what to do. You've done this before! Now you don't have the constant travel of the job, the stress of the corporate world, you are in complete control of your food and shopping and time schedule (within reason) so ... no more excuses.... JUST DO IT. Put down the damn cheese dip and get control of yourself!

So the very next morning, I made OATMEAL for breakfast. OH MY Gawd, was that crap NASTY!!!

Of course it was after living on a 'diet' of breakfast pizza's and frozen biscuits & sausage or waffles w/butter and honey. But I choked it down with three packets of splenda sweetner & cinnamon spice.

It took a week of saying 'no!' to offers to go pick up my lunch from 'Arby's or Sonic or McDonalds' and wondering what I was going to do with the rest of those frozen breakfast pizza's before I grew accustomed to the oatmeal. I even started 'making' it (mixing the dry ingredients) at night and putting it IN the microwave so I wouldn't have a 'gee, I'm way to busy to add water to this bowl & microwave for two minutes' excuse or slip the frozen breakfast pizza in there without having to acknowledge a clear cut action to sabatoge myself.

By then, my follow up rolled around and I was feeling fairly confident I was back on track of what I needed to do. Now to convince the doc. Of course, I know I didn't need to convince her. But what I wanted from her was an assurance or at least opinion. WAS my BS & Cholesterol so bad that I was in immediate danger OR could I please try something else for a while???

She looked skeptical. Why wouldn't she? She too has watched me pack on at least 50 of the 100lbs and then stay level at 285 for about several years.

But we talked for a few minutes and she finally said 'okay, you're not in 'that' emergency state just yet - I'll give you 90 days and I want to recheck your lab levels to see if you can get it under control without meds BUT if you find within 30 days you canNOT stay on this path I want you to call me so I can order the prescriptions.'

Funny - she didn't offer any appetite suppressors or anything. Thank goodness. I consider that a good thing. We discussed the ADA diet because I'd never had a BS issue before; well, I had, but it was usually LOW BS. So for the first month or so I drove myself crazy trying to figure out complex vs simple carbs. And while I knew I was blowing half my daily carb allowance on the oatmeal, I knew I needed THAT to bring down the cholesterol.

Anyway ... MH is diabetic so we used his 'home test' to check my BS and after a month was still the same. I was discouraged but had lost 10lbs (mostly water weight, I'm sure) but that very same day I had to walk up the street to do something and was able to do so without being out of breath or in pain needing to stop and rest. Yes, 10lbs had made that much difference and helped me stay on the right path. Hence my constant quote in journals and posts 'one bite at a time, one day at a time.'

However, I was also growing bored of the steamed chicken breast and vegetables and feeling hungry. So I started a quest to STOP STARVING and find good healthy food I could eat the rest of my life. And in the middle of that, figuring out the triggers and pitfalls that always led me back to this sumo wrestler weight.

Well, a recent BS check on the home tester displayed my fasting BS is now around 110 (and that is supposedly considered normal and acceptable) but no home cholesterol check so I AM going to go have the lab work for both done in the morning and follow up with the doc on Monday.

After all, it would really tick me off to have a stroke NOW after I passed on those nachos and pizza!! I truly HOPE the labwork is improved overall because it would really suck to have to still take meds but regardless, I am very much enjoying the healthy food and improved physical abilities I'm having with the decrease in weight so I will do my best every day bite by bite to stay on the path to a better healthy me.

Final thought here today. I absolutely love that I found FatSecret and the great community of people here. Although I was already on my path for about six weeks, it has helped me so much to be able to stay on it with the ability to journal here like this and share ideas and compare notes especially on those days I'd love to fall face first into a cheesecake. I love the food diary and the forums and the great buddies I've made. I even love it so much that I don't care that my weight tracker won't update ~ taking the bad with the good.

However ~ even when I do have a 'positive' journal entry (as so many of my journals are usually venting rants ) I want anyone reading to know that in NO WAY do I think I have this eating disorder licked (see! even my metaphors reference eating!) for life. Every day is going to be a challenge to me. I stopped smoking 12 years ago and still REALLY crave a cigarette now and then so I have no DELUSIONS winning the battle over my food and weight is going to be any piece of cake (ha.. did it again.)

I obsess about food and intake and tomorrow and next year and stress the stupid future as much as everyone here. I write very long winded journals here exploring triggers and tipping points and read the forums here and other websites as if I'm seeking the secret to life. In no way do I think I'm above it all, ever. I need everyone here everyday.

So thank you for being my friends.

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1305 kcal

Fat: 48.99g | Prot: 74.86g | Carb: 159.82g.   Breakfast: Dannon Light & Fit Greek, Creamer, Flax Seed, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee, Coconut Oil. Lunch: Spicy Mustard, Kraft American, Dill Pickle Spears, Boiled Egg, Wheat Bread, Hormel Deli Roast Beef. Dinner: Schwans Salmon, Carrots, Seaweed, Dill Pickle, Spinach. Snacks/Other: Schwans Mixed Berries, Stacys Bagel Chips, Wholly Guacamole, Grapefruit. more...

3705 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 1 hour, Sleeping - 8 hours, Sitting - 6 hours, Desk Work - 6 hours, Standing - 2 hours, Housework - 1 hour. more...