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16 June 2008

Ok, I am back and ready to SOMEHOW start again.
I have really let myself get off track.
Yesterday was the first day in ages my calories were lower than 2000(generally much more here lately)! I have had around three or four binges in the last three weeks, which makes me feel very weak and undiciplined, not to mention depressed.
Nothing breaks the spirit more than images of yourself standing in front of the cupboard shoveling as much peanut butter as you can before it hits your stomach.
I ate a 18 oz jar of peanut butter in 3 days by myself last week.
I feel very out of shape because I haven't been getting much exercise. I also have been getting very little sleep in the new apartment. Kaelyn has started waking up SUPER early, like 6:30, and she goes to bed around 10, sometimes with no more than an hour nap, or no nap. ever since we moved she has been acting out and has been very demanding of attention.
I have been feeling overwhelmed.I reset my goal back to 120 becase it is just too depressing to think about 115 right now. i think I will jsut leave it there even once I get back to 120. 115 is my dream, but I'm not sure if it is a natural weight for me to maintain. if I have to kill myself to be 115, than forget it. I am just going to take it one day at a time, and try to find other ways to cope with stress and sleep deprivation other than overeating.
I have been avoiding coming here when I feel that I am being "bad", but I really need the support and comaradarie.
No one else in my world has a clue what I go through in my mind and when no one is around.

I got a book from the library called Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating. I am about halfway through and I can't beleive how much it describes me and the many emotions and pscyological torture that goes along with binge eating disorders. It's very well written and is by someone that has been through the yo-yo dieting thing herself, which I relate to much better than if it was just written by a doctor or other expert in eating disorders.
People think that is you are not grossly overweight or underweight you have no issues with disordered eating, but it can happen to anyone, and it is a hard thing to deal with.
I will tell you all more about it when I finish it. It is filled with great advice and techniques and I am anxious to share it with you to see what some of you think about it.
Well, I hope to get some STRUCTURED exercise today. This past week I have been walking some, but really not enough. I feel so out of shape and it is very hot in Texas. it's already in the 80's at 9:20.
I will have to force myself to do more, because I know it will get easier, I just need to get back in the game. I sure miss the feeling of accomplishment i have when I get more exercise. I hate feeling like I am dragging every minute of every day.
i hope ya'll are having a good day, I'll be checking in. I need to be here more, it keeps my focused! Thanks everyone for all your help and support through thick and thin! :)

16 June 2008

Weigh-in: 122.8 lb lost so far: 15.2 lb still to go: 2.8 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment losing 9.8 lb a week

15 June 2008

:(
Weigh-in: 124.2 lb lost so far: 13.8 lb still to go: 4.2 lb Diet followed poorly
   (1 comment) gaining 4.0 lb a week

12 June 2008

HELP!!
Ok, I am not going to go a single day without journaling everything from now on!! I went on another eating binge last night and I don't even know what triggered it!
I have gotten back into old habits, gained weight, got out of exercising, and frankly, I'm scared!! I have to get back on track immediately! The scale was way up this morning after last night, and I know some of it is real weight. I have gained 2-3 pounds of actual fat in the last couple weeks. I must cut back on sugar, it is destroying my past efforts. Please, ya'll, I need encouragement and tough love! I need to get back on here to stay motivated and to keep me away from the ice cream and peanut butter jar!!!
I'm so mad that this has happened. Any help or advice would be helpful. I'ts not like I don't know what to do..but sometimes you need to hear it again. I haven't had the slightest motivation to work out lately. I have gotten into the habit of reaching for food when there is someting I don't want to do., and yesterday I was about to exercise, and ended up eating ice cream instead!! What is WRONG with me!!!?? You guys may have not seen much of this side of me, but this is a real problem with me. This binge eating is why I put on the weight in the first place, and I have to get out of this trap. I was doing well for a long time, but it seems the monkey never really left my back after all.
I really have no excuse for not exercising.I am right in town and can go down the road to the track to walk. I did the last couple days, but i didn't do good on my diet.
I wish now that i had joined a weight loss contest. I thought that I didn't need to because I didn't have much to lose. It always kept me on track knowing I would let my team down if I skipped a workout or ate too much.
Well my goals seem much further than they did only a short while ago, and it's mostly mental. God, please send me some motivational energy!!

08 June 2008

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