Lotus's Journal, 16 June 2008

Ok, I am back and ready to SOMEHOW start again.
I have really let myself get off track.
Yesterday was the first day in ages my calories were lower than 2000(generally much more here lately)! I have had around three or four binges in the last three weeks, which makes me feel very weak and undiciplined, not to mention depressed.
Nothing breaks the spirit more than images of yourself standing in front of the cupboard shoveling as much peanut butter as you can before it hits your stomach.
I ate a 18 oz jar of peanut butter in 3 days by myself last week.
I feel very out of shape because I haven't been getting much exercise. I also have been getting very little sleep in the new apartment. Kaelyn has started waking up SUPER early, like 6:30, and she goes to bed around 10, sometimes with no more than an hour nap, or no nap. ever since we moved she has been acting out and has been very demanding of attention.
I have been feeling overwhelmed.I reset my goal back to 120 becase it is just too depressing to think about 115 right now. i think I will jsut leave it there even once I get back to 120. 115 is my dream, but I'm not sure if it is a natural weight for me to maintain. if I have to kill myself to be 115, than forget it. I am just going to take it one day at a time, and try to find other ways to cope with stress and sleep deprivation other than overeating.
I have been avoiding coming here when I feel that I am being "bad", but I really need the support and comaradarie.
No one else in my world has a clue what I go through in my mind and when no one is around.

I got a book from the library called Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating. I am about halfway through and I can't beleive how much it describes me and the many emotions and pscyological torture that goes along with binge eating disorders. It's very well written and is by someone that has been through the yo-yo dieting thing herself, which I relate to much better than if it was just written by a doctor or other expert in eating disorders.
People think that is you are not grossly overweight or underweight you have no issues with disordered eating, but it can happen to anyone, and it is a hard thing to deal with.
I will tell you all more about it when I finish it. It is filled with great advice and techniques and I am anxious to share it with you to see what some of you think about it.
Well, I hope to get some STRUCTURED exercise today. This past week I have been walking some, but really not enough. I feel so out of shape and it is very hot in Texas. it's already in the 80's at 9:20.
I will have to force myself to do more, because I know it will get easier, I just need to get back in the game. I sure miss the feeling of accomplishment i have when I get more exercise. I hate feeling like I am dragging every minute of every day.
i hope ya'll are having a good day, I'll be checking in. I need to be here more, it keeps my focused! Thanks everyone for all your help and support through thick and thin! :)

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2329 kcal

Fat: 65.04g | Prot: 63.79g | Carb: 400.76g.   Breakfast: pepperidge farm bread, 1 tbs sugar free maple syrup, fiber one, Light Original Soymilk, honey nut shredded wheat, Honey Roasted Creamy Peanut Butter. Lunch: spinach, cocktail sauce, lettuce, imitation crab. Dinner: orange, nature valley. Snacks/Other: fun size, graham, crunch berries, Whips mininature candies, reese's cereal, reddi whip, molten cake, dreyer's, licorice . more...

1805 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 1 hour, Desk Work - 3 hours, Boxing - 20 minutes, Housework - 1 hour, Resting - 10 hours and 40 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...