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Something is eating at me today.. I'm not eating which is good but something is seriously bugging me. I got flowers at work yesterday. They didn't come with a name on them to tell me who they were from and they were not from who I expected. They were from my husband. My husband has never sent me flowers at work. In the 10 years that I have known him and the various jobs that I have had.. he has never sent me flowers. I should be happy right? I enjoy the flowers. They are beautiful and smell amazing. It's what they stand for that has me looking at them and reflecting on all of the decisions I have made. I didn't say thank you. I didn't take pictures of them and post them saying look what I got.. I just looked at them and thought long and hard.
This morning my husband comes up to me and says he's sorry. He forgot he sent them. He had tried to send flowers to me when the kids and I were on vacation and he hadn't listened to me when I had given him our plans. They were supposed to arrive on the day we left to go to the next place and he filled in the date wrong so I never got them. The florist felt bad so they gave him a free bouquet. Apparently these flowers were the make up flowers. All I could do was look at him. Really? He forgot sending them? I made a comment or asked why it took him so long to send me flowers at work. I don't know which. I'm really just stumbling through this in hopes of falling out the other end soon. His reply? Do you know how hard it was for me to find you work address?
Googling the name of the company I work for and address... was hard. So I asked someone.. is it hard? They came back in less than a minute with the address and had it marked on a map. Does he think all those years I worked full time, helped him on the farm, made him breakfast and dinner, took care of the kids, cleaned the house, made sure everyone was where they needed to be, reminded him of all his drs apts, picked him up his favorite candy bar at the store because the kids were picking out their favorites, driving a tractor on my day off, milking cows so he could have a night off and go bowling then out to dinner with his buddies... all this while I worked, came home, never went out, never got gifts on special occasions, never got any help what so ever and if I complained.. I was never once heard. Because nothing EVER changed. He recently told me when things got bad I would blow up. But he knew I would be ok after I blew up. Seriously?? After I got to the point where I was screaming, sobbing, and be a complete and utter wreck.. that meant things would be ok because after I was done and pulled myself together I would be calm again. No buddy.. I would blow up and our marriage would die a little bit each time. Because nothing EVER changed.
Relationships are NOT easy. I made it easy for him. That's on me. I had this idea that in a relationship you try to never let your partner down, you try to build them up and help them succeed, and when everything went to shit.. you get right down next to your partner in that shit until both of you pull yourselves out together. That to me.. is a marriage. That is a partnership. That is the happily freaking ever after. I never got that. Not once with him. When I took a leap and switched jobs to further my career I was told I better not screw up because I won't have a job to pay my bills. When I would approach him and try to have a relationship I was laughed at and my hands were slapped away. My needs, my desires, my dreams.. they have always taken a back seat. Apparently it's just too hard to give a damn. And the sad part is I let that happen. I let myself not be important.
Right now he is doing things he never did. Why? Because he knows I'm gone. I'm done. He's afraid of being alone. Does he love me? Maybe? Maybe in some twisted F'd up way. But I'm done. The marriage we had, the feelings I had, the future we could have had? It's dead. All those blow ups, all those times I never got anything in return, all those times I took the back seat to his needs, all those times my needs were ignored. THAT KILLED OUR MARRIAGE. There is NO getting that back. I'm just as much to blame. I accept that. I'm learning from that. Maybe someday I will get my happily ever after with someone who doesn't find looking up a damn address as being too hard for someone they care about.
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 Comments
That was such a hard read and yet familiar in some ways. Sending love and hugs x
15 Aug 17 by member: Phooka
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The only time my first hubby sent me flowers was the first Valentine's day that we were running a pub - so that he would get kudos from the customers. You're right when you talk about partnership - that's what I expected. I married one of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet - he always did what he was told - but did nothing that he wasn't. I made all the decisions - oh except 2 - I wanted to adopt - he said it would never be his, so no. We had an opportunity to leave the pub business before we sold the house - he knew that I hated it, but no, he liked it.
15 Aug 17 by member: minitata
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Sympathize with you as I have been there in many ways.
15 Aug 17 by member: wholefoodnut
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This is heartbreaking. Having a selfish partner who doesn't understand love. I'm so sorry for what you have been through over the years. This may sound like I haven't heard anything you just said, but I truly hope there is a way for your relationship to be repaired.
15 Aug 17 by member: Tdowg
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Choose today that tomorrow will be better - prayers.
15 Aug 17 by member: From371to184
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You are strong and can move forward. You deserve to be loved and cherished!
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I just got out of a relationship that was very similar. He felt that my life should be dedicated to him because I was the woman and not equal to him. After 2 years of taking care of him and his 4 toddlers with no thank you and nothing being reciprocated, I stopped...only to be accused of being unfaithful once I got "bored". I'm slowly learning that I need to love myself more and do things for me because you can't make some people happy no matter how hard you try. I wish you the best and hope you find your "happily ever after".
15 Aug 17 by member: BelleGunStar
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That's such a hard situation. It sounds like right now you are looking at this in a good way. You are ready to move forward and know what you want. My brother is actually going through a divorce right now, and I hope that he can find strength and move forward also. If the relationship will be repaired at all, fine, but there will be a lot to be fixed and you will both have to do the fixing. If not, you will just have to keep looking forward and know that you are worth being valued. You're more than just a person to watch the kids and do chores and pay bills, you should be his friend and confidante. Good luck!! Whatever happens you are a strong woman who can do anything and kick butt!
15 Aug 17 by member: mars2kids
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I have been there and when I finally left I did so with complete confidence that I had done everything possible throughout our 13 year marriage to make it work. Once I was done, I was done but it took me the last 5 years of our marriage to acquire that certainty. You sound like you have that degree of certainty. Strength to you.
15 Aug 17 by member: HealthIsLife
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This was a very hard read! My heart is breaking for you and your family. I don't know you personally but by reading your posts I think of you as a very strong and motivated person; and I am sure you will pull thru this, and come out a better and stronger person. Lots of hugs your way, XOXO
15 Aug 17 by member: Viduted
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I am amazed you stayed in this abusive relationship so long. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. Get ready for him to promise you heaven on Earth just to keep you - you are his property after all, right? It won't be easy, but stay strong. It will get better and the love and respect you deserve are out there. I know because I lived it.
15 Aug 17 by member: Slunecno
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I'm reading this during my lunch hour with tears streaming down my face. You put up with a lot of crap with very little return for FAR too long. Be strong, stand up for yourself -- because you're worth it. And you're certainly worth more than the fool you married.
15 Aug 17 by member: EFudd
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Your should change your name to Xdairyfamerswifegoodbye
15 Aug 17 by member: genedougherty
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15 Aug 17 by member: MightyFull
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15 Aug 17 by member: MightyFull
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15 Aug 17 by member: MightyFull
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You have always been an inspiration to me. I love your perspective, your writing, your willingness to look at things with humor and forgiveness. These traits alone make you worthy of living your best life. For you. For your children. Don't buy into the BS of good behavior for a week negates the seven years of ignorance (18 years in my case). I am the poster child for starting over. You can do this and please remember to take care of yourself. We are here for you.
15 Aug 17 by member: RiverRes
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it seems to be the time of year my wife dumped me 2 weeks ago my wife says she has no feelings for me we have been together 17 years and there has been some very tough times and we came out stronger but this time it seems to be it. Men get comfy and complacent and forget to do the things a women likes like flowers and nice comments or compliments I am guilty of all that and have regrets about it, but I have been faithful hard working been her Rock through tough times never raised a hand to her in anger raised her 2 children and 1 of our own, her dad lived with us for several years until he passed away all the attention was him for many years. so its time for people to move on your husband will have the same regrets as me and feel down about it, as my wife said I don't know if I am doing the right thing but it feels right at that point I knew there was no point trying to save it. good look to you and your husband in going your separate ways.
15 Aug 17 by member: darrencarter
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:( I am sad for you, but I am also glad for you :) You are finding your way. I have two women in my life who stayed many years with unfit spouses, both found the strength to end their awful marriages. And, they worked hard at their marriages until they were DONE.
15 Aug 17 by member: ginger dog
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Let your next chapter begin.
15 Aug 17 by member: Tracey2211
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