Debbie Cousins's Journal, 26 April 2019

I’m getting concerned. Lately, I just haven’t been “myself.” I’ve been making bad choices and not really caring too much about it.

1. I’ve gone over on my RDI several days, and haven’t even tried to make it up the next day.
2. Yesterday, I went to an ice cream shop and tried to order a single scoop waffle cone (thankfully, they only had No-Sugar-Added in the flavor I wanted), but I still got that, knowing that it would put me over for the day and that just the cone was more sugar than I should be having.
3. Today, I ate a King’s Hawaiian roll AND a whole bag of buttered popcorn, to which I ADDED another 2 Tbsp. of melted butter. I knew it would put me over. I knew I should check the nutrition info before I ate it; but, I didn’t even WANT to know – I just wanted to eat the blankety-blank popcorn!
4. I’ve been eating NUMEROUS snacks during the day.
5. I haven’t wanted or been drinking all of my water.
6. For the first time in forever, today I had TWO cans of Diet Coke!

I don’t know WHY I’m doing all this. “The thing want, I DO not, and the thing I want NOT, that I do!” I know what’s right. I know what’s wrong. And, I’m choosing the wrong. In the past, this type of behavior has led to going “hog wild and pig crazy” for extended periods of time (months!) I know I don’t want THAT to happen, and I don’t want to get to where I just give up or become apathetic to my whole WOE goals.

I think this is all still fallout from Easter Sunday. Showing a GAIN after 9 straight weeks of losing was quite a shock! I’ve only lost back 1-1/2 of the 2-1/2 pounds I gained. Each morning, I expect the scale go down, and it hasn’t. I’m exercising MORE – I even started WALKING, which I hadn’t done since January! I even did YOGA for the first time in my life for 30 whole minutes.

I know I deserve what I’m getting. I’m reaping what I’m sowing as far as what I’ve been eating. I know that. I just need to get myself together and get back on the straight and narrow! TODAY is a new day – I’m not going to wait until tomorrow to change it. I WANT to have another Atkins Endulge Chocolate Coconut Bar (tastes exactly like a Peter Paul Mounds – maybe even better); but, I’m not going to have it. I’ve already had too many things that I shouldn’t have. It’s a start.

Tomorrow is another chance to get it right. I CAN’T go back to where I WAS – I’ve given ALL of my fat clothes to the Salvation Army!

Diet Calendar Entries for 26 April 2019:
2033 kcal Fat: 125.78g | Prot: 41.65g | Carb: 204.45g.   Breakfast: Honeydew Melons, Albertsons Heavy Whipping Cream, Twinings Earl Grey Tea, Fruit Salad. Lunch: Homemade Buttermilk Ranch Dressing, Kroger Finely Shredded Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Great Value Broccoli Florets, Baked Potato (Peel Eaten). Dinner: Butter, King's Hawaiian Hawaiian Sweet Rolls, Jimmy Dean Premium Pork Sausage, Adams Diced Onion, Rao's Homemade Vodka Sauce, Kroger Canned Pieces & Stems Mushrooms, Cooked Spaghetti Squash. Snacks/Other: Butter, Act II Butter Microwave Popcorn, Wal-Mart Fresh Pineapple, Cantaloupe Melons, Midnight Beauty Black Seedless Grapes, Honeydew Melons, Atkins Endulge Chocolate Coconut Bar (MINUS Sugar Alcohol). more...
2788 kcal Activities & Exercise: Yard Work (gardening) - 15 minutes, Sitting - 10 minutes, Exercise machine (slow) - 20 minutes, Massage - 35 minutes, Driving - 40 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 6 hours and 50 minutes, Studying - 6 hours and 5 minutes, Cleaning - 10 minutes, Cooking - 40 minutes, Showering - 15 minutes. more...

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Comments 
Your transparency is genuine. I’ve not watched macros for this week either and I had a up up up and a steady steady steady. It’s exhausting to think I have to count weigh measure for the rest of my life????? I don’t want too. Has to be another way?? *sigh 
26 Apr 19 by member: wifey9707
don't panic ladies, you can get back on track just use this as a lesson, sugar is addicting and once you start it is hard to stop. Also, I am sure you will get really darn good at what is the appropriate size of a plate of food looks like.  
26 Apr 19 by member: Little Red Fox
It’s great to be so open❤️ you are still loosing weight though 🤗 were you still in a deficit for the week. 
26 Apr 19 by member: jcmama777
Debbie, I recognize the Pauline reference. (It's nice to know that even The Apostle struggled that way, huh?) But I also hear considerable "right/wrong: moral judgment in your words and tone that I sometimes use on myself, too. We both know what to do; knowledge is not our problem. However, *struggling against* one of the "seven deadly sins" is not the same as *willfully engaging* in sloth and gluttony. I think we who have been (still are, at least in my case) working against a food addiction, go through phases when we just want to be "normal" and not have to struggle. It's okay. I remember that you went through a "stuck" phase a few months ago and that you've been "on a [keto] roll" for a few months now. You're doing well! You'll figure this out. 
26 Apr 19 by member: Miraculum
Just keep going, you know where you were previously and have no desire to go back there, keep that center in your mind. But don’t beat yourself up over a fall off the “eating right” wagon. It happens. I’m struggling with not being a slave to the scale myself. I just try to remind myself if i have a piece of chocolate or sweets or carbs at work its not the end of the world, tomorrow is truly a new day. Don’t go overboard, but i think I’m recognizing that sometimes you gotta cut yourself some slack. 
26 Apr 19 by member: peacenluv
I know how you're feeling, Debbie. It's hard to keep to the program on major holidays. I know you'll realize that it's okay to back off a bit, but tomorrow is a brand new day that you'll go back to making better choices and delighting in that. I love your exercise program and the way you are opening yourself to the sights, sounds and smells of your walks! 
26 Apr 19 by member: metamora
I give myself about a week every three months or so where I will have the things that I normally don't, makes it easier to stay on the path I want to be on.  
26 Apr 19 by member: dhatura
Hugs Debbie! maybe track tonight what you are having tomorrow? or set a timer for water? just remember, you are on this journey to be healthier and part of that is having a healthy relationship with food. You might have gone over, but it's not like you ate all your calories for one week in one day, right? Beating yourself up brings negative thoughts, & negative thoughts make you want to self medicate w food. You are a smart, determined, kind woman. Treat yourself how you would treat us. Be smart, determined and kind to yourself. Walk a little extra or deep clean a room to work off the treats. Be nice to you and productive and I think you will find you again. 😀 
26 Apr 19 by member: jessabridge4444
Oh, my sweet Debbie, I too took a treat day, the day after Easter. But I started the night before, binging on coffee cakes. On Monday, my treat day I had lots of carbs and sweets for lunch, and then more carbs and sweets for dinner. That late-in-the-day chocolate caused me to not sleep even one minute Monday night. I gained 4 lbs in 2 days, but worst of all was the brain fog, or mushy brain: more than since last fall. It was really scary. I knew my doctor was going to test me for memory on Thursday, so I suppose that helped me to go back on the straight and narrow in what I ate on Tuesday. I did go way over my calories for Tuesday, but left off the sweets. I too, was scared of going on a long, long binge like in the past. Even though my treat day was a decision made ahead of time, I didn't really think it would "cost" me quite so much: in pounds, in cravings, in the danger of going off my WOE for "who knows" how long. I have no answers for you. I only know, it really scared me, when my brain wouldn't work for 3 days. I am doing this FS, Keto, and IF, for my brain in addition to wanting to be trim. In case I am one of the 50% that will get Alzheimer's or dementia I want to "cut it off at the pass". Sugar makes it progress more than anything else. I need my brain, if I want to remain independent. I am back on track now, but don't really trust myself. I'm okay for today. It all surprises me. I'm surprised at those who fall off the wagon. I'm surprised by those who get back on. I don't understand any of us, and how vulnerable we are. I started praying for you as soon as I saw your post. Now I am resisting Satan for you. Does that mean he is going to attack me more than ever? I am so thankful to the Lord, that He loves us, and accepts us. But He does want our very best, so wants us to do those things that are healthy for us. That wouldn't be enough for me to follow the straight and narrow. My vanity might be. The fear of the mushy brain that I felt was. By the way, the test was only perfunctory, so I passed the simple 5 questions fine. It doesn't mean much. One would have to be "on their way" seriously to dementia to not pass. Our medical community is missing the boat here, as they are on diabetes, at least at UCLA. 
26 Apr 19 by member: Snowwhite100
Debbie, you are sounding a bit frantic. Maybe if you could just stop, sit down, close your eyes and try to find a quiet place in your mind. Just let it all rest for a few minutes. If you can do that, then perhaps you can make a plan to get yourself back on track, just for a few minutes, just for one hour, just for one day. Think about how far you've come. Think about all the good things you've accomplished. Be kind and forgiving, just like you would be if it were one of us. Take it slowly, just one step at a time on the right path, down the Yellow Brick Road. We're all there with you, and the Emerald City is in sight. You can do this. 
27 Apr 19 by member: shirfleur 1
One thing that helps me is to "get full" on protein. I may have a hunk of cheese, a defrosted serving of rotisserie chicken, or a hamburger (no bun). When I'm really full, the cravings disappear. I'm not on a keto diet, but I do love the protein/fat stuff, especially when I'm starting to go off the rails. 
27 Apr 19 by member: TheWeaver
Debbie reading your post was like reading about myself. I'm going through the very same thing. Different foods of coarse but still looking in the mirror type of thing.I haven't done it yet my self but have you just sat down and had a good cry. Not the feeling sorry for your self type but a "I just feel like crying cry"? Its hard to do sometimes but at least for me when I"m able to do it I feel so much better. No matter if you do it or even want to try it, we're here for you. Scream, yell, cry, or punch a ball a few times do what you need to do to get back on track. If everyone is honest with themselves we've all had our days in a row that we look at food and say don't eat that and all of a sudden we're putting the last bite in our mouths. Its a daily fight. Some days we win. Some days we don't. Good luck today and better luck tomorrow. Lots of hugs being sent your way. 
27 Apr 19 by member: pugmom57
ok, so you pigged out - I did too, we all have but it is over and guess what? That food did not even taste that good - so now back on track. And, you are SO important to SO many people following the challenges YOU put together - EACH DAY IS A GIFT so this is the day that counts. YOU CAN DO THIS. 
27 Apr 19 by member: butterfliesrfree
Debbie- me too. Just when I thought after 13+ months of consistently good choices almost every day. The past 2+ weeks my food choices are all over the place. Everyday I wake up and say it is a new day. I have never been one to turn to cake. cookies, regular soda. One day at our university lunch buffet, I had a huge sprite, 2 big huge blondie/brownie bars which were SOO sweet I literally almost forced myself to eat the second one. I took it.....I dont throw food away so I ate it....then went to my car, took it to the auto shop....sitting in the waiting room for an hour had two more cookies and a coke!!!! The sugar rush had my yawning, doing head bobs almost crashing in the chair. I finally had to stand up and pace around it was ridiculous!!! Drove home with the windows open crashed and took a nap!!!! Today I am back to good habits!! 
27 Apr 19 by member: gogogirl59
It's a pattern for me. When I indulge at a holiday, it takes me days or weeks to tame the binge cravings and get my weight loss back on track. Also moods! 
27 Apr 19 by member: erikahollister
you're doing what I was doing; not getting on the scale, eating food I knew I shouldn't have, and just generally steering away from being healthy. I've gone through those stages. Don't let yourself do it! I'm always sorry for later. That's self-destructive behavior. place a positive vision in your head instead (a picture yourself as slimmer/sleek, and at peace with life). 
27 Apr 19 by member: lydium
You are doing great! I average over a week If you go over one day, somedays your body seems to need a bit extra, adjust another day so the week comes out so you have meat your goal over the 7 days. I tend to eat more on work days then on weekends.  
27 Apr 19 by member: wholefoodnut
Trust me, been there done that. I am just getting off a carb binge (been great this month), but when I started buying Easter candy, I spiraled. It only takes one thing like that in my mouth, and then comes the I WANT baked goods--let's go to the bakery, then I didn't even want a burger without a white bun, and eating my husband's chips. On and on, it went for a while. Oh yeah, cupcake in an ice cream. FINALLY, got a grip. After the binge, went back to beginning keto--not craving sugar. Scary how bad, I can get but once back the craving is gone. I am older so metabolism is slower than every, so I should know to stay away but that CRAVING can really overtake our knowledge of what we should and should not do (eat). You will get back on track. Good luck. 
27 Apr 19 by member: Ginsin
At least your honest.  
27 Apr 19 by member: owlfeathers
Look on the bright side, you at least lost some of what you put back on, and if the scale didn't dip further it may be because of the NEW exercising that you are starting. My scale showed a difference in fat content but not weight when i started walking and cycling. Building muscle, and muscle weighs more. You also acknowledge your behaviour, not blind to it, so you can and will take steps to the right road again. Do something that makes you happy, (not eat something) Happy is positive. Positive brings results! 
27 Apr 19 by member: Fiberoptic

     
 

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