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I'm in a weird place right now. I just hit a big milestone yesterday. 40 pounds lost, and $1,500 won for doing it. I should be celebrating, and in some ways I am, but more than anything I feel like it wasn't real. When I stepped on the scale this morning, it honestly felt like I was going to see it right back up where I was. I'm having trouble figuring out why I'm thinking like this.
It probably has something to do with some very troubling statistics I read yesterday. I'm not going to share them here, one because they're as yet unpublished, and two because I don't want to be responsible for anyone else feeling like I do right now.
Ugh... I'm depressed, and I don't know why. And that's the real bitch about depression, is that if there really was a reason why we could simply fix it and move on, but it just can't be that easy for some reason.
In the beginning, when I first started this effort, I acknowledged (and encouraged others to acknowledge) that the first and hardest step of battling obesity is getting your head straight. I still believe that's true, and maybe that's what's been making me feel like I'm going to be right back where I started tomorrow - my head isn't straight right now. It hasn't been for well over a month, and I know it, and I have known it, and I've been hanging on by my fingernails, but I know where eventually this road leads.
So I guess I know what I need to work on going forward.
(To those of you who read this, I don't mean to dump this crap on you. Journaling is a good way for me to just start talking about my feelings and follow them where they lead until I realize what's actually happening with me. I'm sorry if sometimes that journey brings others down, but please know it's not my intention to spread the sadness.)
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I hit my goal weight a few months ago and I was not as happy as I expected/wanted to be. However, because I felt I looked 'scrawny' in the mirror, I started 'body building'. This has made me happier because it is a never ending 'process'.
20 Sep 18 by member: adefwebserver
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I wasn’t very happy to get to this last goal myself. The others yes but not this one. Depression does suck and I think it contributes to these feelings more than anything else. Plus ppl who lose weight are portrayed as being very happy, excited and bouncing off the walls in glee. That’s not realistic I think. I think I know what the stats are about. You’ll get your head on straight and be watchful for your triggers so you don’t become one of those statistics 😉. Hope your funk goes away soon! (I journal my feelings as well)
20 Sep 18 by member: peeperjj
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I have an aunt who was a weight watchers coach, had lost 80 pounds almost 40 years ago. She has kept that weight off for 40 years. I have a friend who more recently (10 years ago?) lost 65 pounds and has kept it off. So, I know that every journey is different and if you embrace the healthier diet and regular exercise you will keep it off. Habits can change! People can change! You can do it!
20 Sep 18 by member: abbadabba
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This is normal for me. I've been obese (300 lbs) most of my life wearing size 4x tops & 28W pants. I still go to the plus size area when I have to buy clothes, and even though I now wear size 10 pants and large tops, when I pick them up, I very carefully pull them on because I'm 90% certain I'll get stuck. They feel like kids clothes to me even though they are a bit baggy.
20 Sep 18 by member: ConiMN
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You could have a body dysmorphic disorder where your brain is just NOT LETTING YOU SEE. You’ve been so used to this weight, this number, that even when you see it lower it doesn’t feel like anything... you still believe and see yourself as the person you were, and that’s okay! This is new! You’re changing! Your body is changing, your cells are changing. Hormones change. Just don’t be so hard on your beautiful self. I think you need to take a step back from the scale and realize that that is NOT YOUR MEASUREMENT OF SUCCESS. No dear it is NOT. Take into consideration non-scale victories. Take before and after pictures, go buy a new outfit, have friends and family and a support group close to you when you are feeling down. Your worth is not measured by your looks, but by your heart. You know you have reached and gone SO MUCH FURTHER than most people. You will get out of this funk, just focus on a new challenge, or a new routine, or a new recipe. Not the scale 💪🏽
20 Sep 18 by member: Lunchb0x26
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This is an important topic! I've lost some 20 lbs this year, yet it doesn't feel real and, having lost and regained in the past, I well know how easily I could overeat and gain it all back. Is this why for some of us there is little sense of joy in reaching milestones and goals? The pride in our accomplishments can be tinged with fear. On top of that, as Conicasslty relates, we can be out of touch with our new "size" or a normal weight looks/feels "scrawny," as adefwebserver posted. I don't fool myself into thinking that reaching goal weight means some kind of freedom and "the problem is solved." But all one can do is make peace with what is. Toumina, I hope you find your second wind and complete your ultimate goals. Perhaps you need a break? If so, do your best to maintain your progress.
20 Sep 18 by member: trackin64
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Depression (and anxiety) - I have both - can really be debilitating. Both are creatures of our own brains. We may *know* there is nothing that we SHOULD be depressed or anxious about, but there it is anyway. It lurks. It creeps. It infiltrates. Most of us with these issues know various techniques to try to work through them, but I have found that sometimes I cannot seem to make myself do them - like dragging yourself through the resistance of deep water, it can just feel too difficult to bother with. I hope you are able to enjoy your stunning milestone of weight loss and be able to focus on the positive things in your life soon.
20 Sep 18 by member: sunnyblu
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Boy! My opinions are flourishing today,but please, it’s just a side from my thoughts.
First, if you suffer with depression, or think you do, go see a health care professional and get some answers. I believe everyone should have someone to see once a year, just to check in. Then, when it hits the fan, there is an established relationship and trust in place. ( very utopian).
Second, for me, it’s an Interesting turn. I was fT in high school. Lost weight, looked gnarly for many years, until I was slate 40-50’s. Boom! I expanded! My highest was 242#; but inside or worse when I looked in the mirror all I saw was this sexy svelte babe. Weird! Two years ago I realized I was fat, and should probably loose some weight for health and longevity. So now, I’m fat, I see I’m fat, and I hate myself!
Third, I think the issue is self love, respect and acceptance. Co gratulations! You rock, you lost a huge amount of weight, look great and probably feel amazing. Keep lookin I. That mirror and see the beautiful person you are. It’s in there, you just see the reruns and not the current season. Plan, live, and most love yourself. Your important to the world, because there is no one quite like you, you add so much!
20 Sep 18 by member: slimays
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I am bi-polar and also suffer from depression. I feel for you immensely. I second Slimays point-of-view. The other comments were great also, but seeing a therapist or (and) a psychiatrist might not be such a bad idea. They have both helped me greatly. Reading your post, you said that writing helps you with getting things out. A therapist can help you with that also. If you don't want to be on an anti-depressant, I would definitely recommend therapy. A regular doctor should be able to help you with depression also. It is wonderful that you were able to lose 40 pounds. Don't give up. It will get better.
20 Sep 18 by member: MrsMagyk
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I feel like I should weigh in on therapy. I’ve went to someone for a year or so now. It’s amazing just to let it all out and know there won’t be judgements! The psychiatrist I went to just didn’t fit. He wrote a lot but only said ‘you need to change, nobody else should change for your disorder’ yet would tell me hubby was in the wrong but shouldn’t change at all (things to intentionally set me off). I felt worse after seeing him so finding the right counselor is a must. My dr has to be the one to prescribe the meds. It’s also nice to have two people who can decide if I need a change or not and talk to each other if need be. Wellbutrin has helped me with my anxiety more than anything. However now she plans tot test me for bipolar because of some risky past behavior among other things. Your insurance will help with the counseling and meds if you choose to go that route.
20 Sep 18 by member: peeperjj
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I can relate and am sending you a virtual hug. Congrats on your achievement, even if you don't feel great at the moment. Glad to see you here!
20 Sep 18 by member: jengetfit123
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Thanks for the support and concern, everyone. I actually do have a counselor that I see when I need to, and I called her today and made an appointment.
20 Sep 18 by member: Toumina
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I lost a tad over 40 lb 5 years ago and have kept it off. I think the most important way to keep it of is to discover a healthy WOE and ingrain new habits. "Diets" never work, thinking healthy does.
21 Sep 18 by member: adamevegod1
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21 Sep 18 by member: DO N OK
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Journals are glimpses into the souls of others. Don't sweat it, dear. Most of us ain't that thin-skinned to take offense... I'm sure we ALL have read someone else's struggles and don't (at the VERY least) see a bit of ourselves in those thoughts... [hugs]
21 Sep 18 by member: From371to184
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Good for you Toumina in reaching your goal, but also in acknowledging your current state of mind. Anyone who objects to your journalling should just move on to the next post. It's a reality that many people deal with state of mind issues - you've made the first step in making an appointment. Congrats on making it to your goal - sounds to me like you're very self aware and have the smarts to do what it takes to beat the stats.
21 Sep 18 by member: thenester
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