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18 December 2014
So who wants chocolate? Grandson just brought a box for a band fund raiser - 58 out of 60 still in it. Bought it all as I'm the good Nana. Now I've shut the box and put it behind me and will hopefully be able to forget it until I figure out a way to give it to people in the store; then forget it again at night.
Today has been not bad. Yesterday I ordered a Reuben from across the street - ate the whole thing (instead of half when I share w/a friend) plus their homemade potato chips, which, when they're deep fried like that .. it's really just crispy french fries. They're not fooling me.
Several days this week no amount of water or hot tea would appease my appetite; really hungry (grumbling stomach, weak, hungry feeling) even when I had high protein (tuna) and fat (mayo) so weird. I would love for TODAY to be the day my mojo returns. Whoever has it, would you please let me have it back, if only for a month or so until I can do this independently for a while?
And that's really about all. Other than, saw this.. loved it. Sharing.
Make Peace with Myself
15 December 2014
Monday - December 15th. The countdown begins.
*8 days to Hot Springs. Blondie found a dog sitter. Asking all of my friends to keep their fingers and toes crossed that we get out of Dodge without anymore roadblocks - virtual OR real.
*10 days to Christmas
*16 days left of this year. Wow. Where DID it go?
Food and health: about the same. Good days, some progress, but no perfection. No ‘ugly’ episodes (I consider a binge ugly.. ) although I temporarily jumped off the ‘no cheese’ wagon yesterday when I truly enjoyed that enchilada. I think it’s been about 6 years since I had one.. so I should be good until about.. oh… 2021? So I’m going to continue to try to make more good choices than bad and keep the portions reasonable as we proceed with the endless food banquet that accompanies this time of year.
Activity: on my feet standing and walking about 20 hours this weekend working on the Money Pit painting furniture, staging rooms and hanging pictures, etc. It’s really coming together and I am feeling a great sense of pride in it in ways that I didn’t in the past. Another 8-10 hours of cleaning my own house (wow.. the past couple of months of depression really took it’s toll on my ambition) plus planting some pansies and white peacocks in my pitiful little ‘Winter Church’.
I’m really starting to examine the cycle of these depressions and I can’t imagine how bad things would get without the antidepressant I have been taking for about 18 months. For me to slog thru the days and not even make my bed.. that’s bad. And I am aware that the decline of eating for my health seemed to follow my ‘slovenly ways’. It is surely a ‘chicken or the egg’ thing .. the depression leading to bad eating and vice versa.
As I wrote that, I was thinking of the seven deadly sin ‘sloth’ and looked for the actual definition. Intriguing (to me anyway) that it is explained as:
Sloth is defined as spiritual or emotional apathy,... being physically and emotionally inactive… outright refusal or merely a carelessness in the performance of one's obligations, especially spiritual, moral or legal obligations.
I’m lost in through wrapping my mind around the retroactive interpretation as I apply that definition to my life the past couple of months. Sloth feels like depression to me. Maybe it’s something else?
Saturday I had a long conversation with a Physician’s Assistant who may possibly lease a section of the Pit to open their own practice. Between the yoga and PA I think the location concept is morphing from ‘Bella’s Hippie Hangout” to ‘The Healing Center’. My mind has been racing with ideas of a few kiosks throughout the open spaces for organics, oils, spices. Maybe books with healthy recipes, mindful eating, etc., for those who aren’t Ereaders just yet. Then again, to follow the techno world, brochures with weblinks.
Activity Two: I caught a good deal on a two wheel bicycle at the auction Saturday night. I got it for times when I want to go (every so often) without Mushy but … turns out.. I’m a huge clumsy chicken when I’m sober. I jumped on that stranger’s bike down in San Antonio and rode away without a second thought but I’d had two margaritas. I called BCF and told her she may need to bring me some Jose Cuervo courage. I can’t get both feet off the ground at the same time without crashing into walls… and now I’m.. well, gonna have to figure it out. But I tried. That says something.
So, onward toward a new day. Wishing you all much peace and happiness in your world.
Make Peace with Myself
12 December 2014
Another week. Goes by so darn fast. All things food and health: holding my own. Nothing perfect but not a complete trainwreck as I take pride in rediscovering my baby steps on this journey.
The good includes distracting myself long enough to NOT have that second roast sandwich no matter how darn great it tasted. The bad would be four of those puffy sugar mints yesterday or too many saltines with soup earlier this week. The ugly would be.. well.. I don’t think I’ve had an ugly this week. Here’s hoping I slide thru the weekend with more good than bad and none of the ugly.
I’ve reinstated the coconut oil in my coffee; chia seeds in the oatmeal (another golden oldie I’ve brought back) and have not had cheese in over a week. Wait, that's not accurate. I've only had cheese, in a meal, twice.
The other night I actually (deep breath) drowned the fudge tin after two bites didn’t seem to be enough. The pantry shelves continues to bulge with enough staples to make cookie, cake, candy delights but I’ve stayed out of it. I’m keeping stewed chicken vegetable soup available at all times for a quick ‘go to’ and have prepared it with a 1:10 chicken to vegetable ratio. I suppose a fad dieter would call it ‘skinny soup’ but I label it ‘guilt free sipping’.
Physical activity would include packing & lifting boxes at the auction as well as many, many steps hauling them to the Money Pit & distributing items throughout the building. Yoga has signed a partial lease for one of the small offices & use of one of the event spaces for her classes. Here’s hoping for more partial tenants; I may get the "Old Hippie Learning & Healing Annex" I’d prattled to Cutty after all.
But that’s been about it for activity as I’m still taking antibiotics recovering from whatever it was I caught (cold plus hacking cough) around Thanksgiving. It has wiped my energy out.
Probably not all on it’s own as I’m still battling depression and apathy. I started crying last night in yoga class. Imagine trying to wipe tears and choke back sobbing while holding a tree pose. I suppose the only answer is last year I was numb & shell shocked; this year it’s all touching me deeper. This too shall pass. So I consider it especially ‘good’ I didn’t soothe my aching with drinking or food last night.
High tea at the Adolphus last week proved an interesting mix of my friends. As for food, I’d planned appropriately for the multiple courses and treats served and ate very light that morning. It’s amazing how filling those finger sandwiches can be with all that tea; something I should consider here at home.
Then the weekend at the Texan Gaylord went well (with food - not so much the rest. If asked for a review I’d say ‘well, it was one for the bucket list but not to be repeated). Some hummus & chips during a wine tasting; shrimp scampi for dinner. Maybe too many dips into the bread basket but only one cocktail and no dessert.
Countdown eleven days to Hot Springs; my first ever ‘go away at Christmas’ vacation as I take Blondie’s crew to a rented house up there for the week.
While things rarely ever go as planned, it would be nice to get out of Dodge with the contract signed and in the works with the title company to sell the warehouse. The buyers are truly interested to the point they gave me a hand written offer yesterday. Here’s hoping I begin 2015 with one less financial pressure and a little extra peace of mind in the bank.
Even though my presence here has noticeably declined please know you are never out of my thoughts. I read your journals via the email notification and follow your days. I also appreciate when I do journal you visit with me, comment, support, and offer suggestions. I am truly blessed.
I am trying something new (for me). I have confessed to Blondie, BCF & Yoga that I’m struggling with the eating disorder - something I’ve never admitted in real life. I’ve always answered the questions of ‘how did you do it’ with ‘eating healthy’. I let that be a broad umbrella.
This has had a positive effect on two levels. First because these were the three with whome I found myself eating mindlessly when we dined together. And second because they have all been very supportive with little reminders.
For example, when I suggested a cheese tray at the winery BCF gently reminded me I’d declared I was off cheese for a while to lower my cholesterol; hence the hummus instead.
Last weekend I found my hand dipping into the homemade butter pecan cookies (from a band fundraiser) four times… I handed the tub to Blondie stating ‘do not let me have anymore of those.’ When we returned home I gave her the tub for her crew but said ‘lemme have a couple more’. She almost did then said, ‘No, you told me not to let you have anymore.’ I paused, silently preparing my excuses of ‘yeah, but’.... but it touched me for her to be on board with helping me so I answered, ‘Yep, your right. Thank you.’
When I shared my struggle of binging & overeating lately with Yoga she (because she would like to lose weight as well) agreed to partner with me; to phone her for a mild distraction when I felt the desire to overeat. The other day she suggested splitting a Reuben for lunch (I swear, that Pub has the most fantastic sandwich I’ve ever tasted… I think it’s the thousand island spread) and I accepted with ‘love to, but PLEASE do not let me order another one even if I say I’m still hungry’. She agreed. I did SO want more - but recognized it was that spread. Once I returned to my shop & gave it all time to settle, I was fine. And I made progress that I didn’t return home and binge in private.
I know NO ONE can stop me - these are all my own choices. But it’s nice to have someone in front of me who seems to understand and genuinely ready to help. I recognized I’d slid into an old pattern of having lost the weight, I thought I could eat like a thinner woman. I always get that so confused in my head because a thinner woman wouldn’t eat like I was eating and still remain thin. But there I was, ordering extras here & there. And my health ( as well as weight loss plan) suffered.
So while I won’t reinstate my ‘other’ old pattern of ‘oh, my, one lettuce leaf for lunch.. I’m stuffed’ and sloshing around because I drank a gallon of water to avoid feeling hungry… I am asking for a little help from friends in real life. Sharing my imperfections; finding a balance in nutrition again; rediscovering mindful portions. It is helping me while I go through this ‘phase’ or whatever it is when I can’t get back here to send a 911 to my dear friends.
After all, doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.. well, you know the rest of that quote. And I looked back over my journals for the past six months.. daily, sometimes twice daily.. confessing and forgiving myself… over and over.. as my weight and health suffered. I needed to try a different tact. So far I’ve been fortunate this time. I have known people in the past who’d blatantly attempt to sabotage my efforts. Brings to mind ten years ago when my boss took me to dinner, knowing my WOE, with the comment ‘this is a meat & potatoes type place… you’ll just have to get over your ‘diet’ for the night.
A different place and time. Progress, not perfection. Or to borrow a phrase from one of my many dear friends here: onward.
Have a wonderful day and weekend.
Make Peace with Myself
05 December 2014
Broth watch continues. While preparing Thanksgiving dinner I’d saved the broth off two roasts to flavor a stew and I still haven’t found it. The only option is somehow I poured it into a foodsaver bag, sealed it, and threw it away. That is the best of my options.
I’m renewing my eating plan this morning. I feel like I’m going backward by eating breakfast when I’m not hungry but there has to be a connection between the weight gain that seemed to take on steam when I stopped having it. But my recent doc visit revealed my bad cholesterol has increased. The comment read to me was ‘less fried food, more fruits & vegetables’. I wanted to argue “I don’t EAT fried food” but the numbers don’t lie. Something in my WOE isn't healthy.
This has bothered me more than the weight gain. I guess I truly am pursuing this for health more than vanity. So if it requires a few steps back to build up the momentum I had in 2012, so be it. I may even reinstitute the 10 gallon salad for a while. And I imagine having five different cheeses in the fridge are contributing to the higher cholesterol. Time to put that on the ‘special pleasure’ list.
I know I can do this. I’ve done it, over and over. This is the phase I’d wondered about in the past - a repeat of the regain at this point in my journey. But the ‘past me’ would have just brushed it all beneath the rug of reconciliation; justifying it with the better qualities I possess ala ‘sure, I’m obese but I..’ and list my better points.
I want both. I want to continue to be a good person and have good health. I want to be able to move and stand and fit into the airplane seat if I ever do take that trip to Italy as well as be able to walk those cobblestone streets I’ve fantasized about all my life. This is important to me.
Other than food I’ve had an up and down week. My cold & cough was pretty bad by the time I went to the doctor but is easing up thanks to the medications. Tea at the Adolphus with four other ladies was quite nice. But the cold, medications and still soul wrenching depression have left me wiped out. A regular customer commented on the absence of my usual ‘perkiness’ yesterday. My demeanor is mostly sedate. I’m listening more than talking. I just don’t want to hear my stories anymore. Hence the absence of journals.
However, I heard the following this morning (zoning out to Grey’s Anatomy): At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that’s how were made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here’s how I see it, if you’re willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.”
It seemed to speak to my present state of mind. I could feel myself throwing up wall after wall. Just like the lab reports, this served as a reminder for my plans to live in the world rather than sit on the sidelines and watch.
And that’s the latest. Thank you for visiting and supporting me. Hanging on by a thread here. But at least I’m still hanging on.
Make Peace with Myself
02 December 2014
Physically, mentally and emotionally depleted. And sick. That’s how I began my Monday and December. I’m still here and apologize if being away so long concerned anyone.
The Memorial was nice; several compliments (although, who would have criticized?) There were over 70 people in attendance. As I opened the ceremony I joked ‘I can just hear Cutty now..’Been gone a year, can still pack a room”. I noted yesterday ‘he’s been gone a year and still gets more mail than me.’
Thanksgiving day went well too; we fed about 50 people and still had enough food left over for at least that many more; I’d hauled everything but the kitchen sink down to the Money Pit (where we served) including the foodsaver - that came in handy. I didn’t keep any of it so Blondie’s crew should eat well for at least a month.
Friday it all caved in on me. The exhale of ‘whew, it’s finally all over’ was quickly replaced with ‘now what?’ The Memorial made it all fresh again; this feeling of loss, pain, uncertainty and sadness. I feel as if I’m right back where I was a year ago but the timing is off. I don’t feel people around me in real life will understand or give me the ‘widow’s wide berth’ as it’s a year later and I am expected to have moved on. I know this is all in my head; I’m the one imposing a timeline on grieving.
Regardless, I’m hurting. I tried to do a few things but mostly slept or zoned out on a movie; some because of depression, some physiological from being sick. I have a doctor appointment this morning; hopefully she’ll give me some antibiotics. I’m not a fan of those but I know this bronchial infection won’t go away untreated.
How is this affecting ‘all things food & health’? Some moments of mindlessness and a couple of unhealthy overeating binges. Otherwise hanging on with fingernails gripping the tools I can remember and scratching for that ‘thing’ that I had a year ago as I chant off of the mantras and breathe. I feel in some ways I’m doing well considering I still have a pantry full of every conceivable bakery item enabling me to whip up a batch of cookies, candies, cakes & pies (but haven’t). Right now nothing really has any taste to me so I find myself grazing for ‘something’ but discard it after a couple of disappointing bites. Even coffee doesn’t taste good; it’s just that bad.
Now what? I’ve had reservations for ‘O’ Christmas Teas’ at the Adolphus for two months; that’s tomorrow. I’m taking Grace, BCF, Yoga and a new friend whom I’ve yet to nickname but she came into my shop about a month ago and could have been telling ‘my’ story it was so similar. This is my Christmas gift to my friends. I hope I’m feeling better; I have to whether I want to or not as I organized it but don’t want to be an incubus of infection for the others in the car. Maybe sans the ability to taste anything will help me avoid overeating at the tea.
I have been reading your journals via the email notifications but am going to ask for a pass of forgiveness this time for not commenting. I am really trying to move forward week without looking in the rearview mirror. Another blow to my sanity Friday was realizing I’d double booked myself on a couple of events coming up next year. Or, as I joked “I’ve forgotten how to calendar.” But privately - that shook me and made me feel unsteady as I wonder what else I’ve missed.
So I’m mopping up my life again. And again. I’ll skip the Titanic reference; too easy.
Take care. Be good to yourselves. I’m going to try to do the same.
Make Peace with Myself
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