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30 September 2014

Another beautiful day here in Bellawood. No ATF confessions either. Dinner was a spinach salad with pork roast. Apple snack for dessert. I was even up at 2am with the return of insomnia but didn’t resort to eating. Gold Star for Me.

For the sake of clarity I’d like to explain what I meant yesterday. I know there are many interesting and good men out there and apologize for comparing their worthiness to that of a cat. I was trying to say I’m just not in the same mode I was in my 20’s when the goal was to ‘find a man, any man, to prove I’m a lovable gal’. I know I’m interesting and lovable (and so modest, haha) but the gender shift at this age has me on the demand side of supply at a time when I lack the ambition to compete. I’m just being realistic and patient and using this time to discover more of ‘me’ to bring to the table if & when King Charming comes along.

Other than that I am walking, lifting and standing more. Continuing to eat probably less than 5% processed food.

I think the only interesting thought rattling around in my head is the concept of frames. How to frame the day. Am I being framed? What frame of mind am I in? I share this because picture frames seem to be coming at me from all angles. At a yard sale Saturday I bought three huge boxes (about 60 of various sizes) because I threw out a ‘number for all’ and they accepted. Then Blondie brought me about 20 from the auction. Then a man walked into my shop and asked if I bought antique frames. Other than the huge hoard from this weekend I have absolutely nothing to do with frames. These were beautiful, large, ornate frames art works. I tossed a number out; he accepted.

So I’ve pinterested to discover a zillion things that can be done with them. Am even considering this as ‘supply’ for a possible ‘upcycle your frame’ art class at Bella’s Hippie Shack (TMP).

Anyway, that’s really about it. Hope you’re all having a wonderful day in your world.

Bella




29 September 2014

I don't know how many days I can play the 'tired card' as my excuse for grazing all day but here goes another. All in all, probably below RDI but nonetheless it seems I rarely went an hour without a spoon or fork in my hand yesterday. Home cooked pinto beans (fresh, not canned) and sugar free pudding. But after soaking in the tub to soothe my back * I fell! * and going to bed at 8pm and getting a good nights rest I returned to my protein shake and water and am doing fine. One day at a time.

I do consider it a bit of progress when I looked in the fridge and saw the SF chocolate pudding and immediately thought 'yum.. pinto beans'. How's that - craving real food over dessert. So I walked over to the market and picked up some ingredients to make some.

This morning I was jotting down ideas for TMP and as I wrote 'sewing room' and 'crafts room' because the area has two large room but several small ones I thought 'whoa.... why does this sound familiar' and then I remembered my ideas for the 'Hippie Learning Annex' plan I voiced to Cutty last April. I went back through my journals to find it - another reason for recording things NAF (not all food). This is the only consistent recording for me.
Bella's Commune

I decided TMP has been up for lease for a year, no bites, just time wasting nibbles and the biggest comment being 'it's so much bigger than I expected - I'm looking for something smaller.' So fine, if I have a handful of people who want a small place only once a week or a couple of times a month.. great. I'm inspired. And I know this is going to be good because Blondie is trashing the idea. This from the gal who's too lazy to open her own shop up for extra funds. I measure ideas against her the way Life Cereal uses "Mikey".

This new adventure is serving as fodder for self exploration. I've always been an OCD, hospital corner type person. Cutty grew so paranoid and distrustful of people as his illness progressed and some of that spilled onto me. I am not morphing into a 'Pollyanna, here hold my wallet' type gal just yet but am trying to move away from the 'trust no one, they all want to take advantage of you and screw you over' type stance. I don't want to spend the rest of my life locked in self protection.

Nor do I have any desire to start 'looking for my next husband' although I the other day I voiced out loud, as I was clearing that dead mouse from the store room, 'I need a husband. Or a cat. Hmmm...' In no way am I minimizing men in my life, I just don't want to return to the way things were when I was in my 20's ala that 'gotta find a husband to prove I can be loved' type thinking. Especially now at this age. This quote from Something's Gotta Give feels SO True...
"The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men- especially older men- are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women. It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as f-d a group as can ever exist.'

Maybe I'll meet that older man who doesn't want the younger, perkier gal. Maybe not. Until then, I want to live my life for a while.

And with that, I think I'll catch on my buddies journals and then get busy in here. I have a pork roast slow cooking and laundry to be folded in between the customers. Have a wonderful day in your world.

Bella Peace & Love Sun Flower Power (my hippie name)

28 September 2014

Beautiful weather here today in Bellawood. To get the ATF confession out of the way - fail on the soon to start ‘no binge or eating after dinner’ challenge last night. Exhaustion from two nights of insomnia piled on top of a very long day ( by the time I fell into bed this morning I’d been up over 24 hours with less than six hours of sleep in three days ) was likely the forerunner on the ‘tomato & cheese salad with hummus and crackers’ at midnight. Ahh well, another day and opportunity to do better.

It’s only been two days since I journaled but seems like a week. Friday was the 26th (Cutty) and I recognized it by being up and out of here early. I still feel him channeling through me on this new project with the Money Pit (TMP) and continuing to gather all sorts of cool things to furnish and stage it for events as well as potential tenants. The ‘Estate Sales’ turned out to be shams but I did find some genuine ‘rummage sales’ and picked up some really cool stuff at a few of them.

I found some nice but very inexpensive furniture and will probably just begin arranging it there for people to use. There’s a small ‘kitchenette’ and I am stocking it with dishes and appliances (non matching but still nice). I imagine if I continue on the path I’m going I should have it all ‘stocked and staged’ for a few hundred dollars and will just leave it there for use.

Although I haven’t been to Yoga all summer because I enjoy the evenings and weather outside too much to be stuck in a studio the instructor is beginning to come around me a lot. It’s nice. She went to the Comedy Dinner Theater last night with us (BCF & Kaddy) and it was very intriguing for me as this was my first ‘ladies night, fun in my home’ in a very long time… wait.. EVER.

I served champagne and a fruit & cheese tray and felt ‘myself’ emerging a little more. It was so nice. Really nice. Standing in the kitchen (everyone ALWAYS gravitates toward the kitchen, don’t they?) and working on my ability to follow small talk. Just relaxing and not worrying about Cutty needing something or disturbing him.

I toasted the group with the comment of being surrounded by three beautiful brilliant women and they toasted me back. I guess that was part of the … niceness? I need another word. This is just so foreign to me - socializing in a group and being comfortable with it. Prior to Cutty’s illness my work travel intruded on my ability to form ‘friendships’ and make plans.

I was very aware of body language and they all seemed turned toward me than each other. This is not something that used to happen to me in the past. I was always on the fringe of any gathering just half listening and watching the clock. And I was thrilled Yoga and Kaddy seemed to really connect and have a conversation giving me a little breathing space to sit back and casually observe.

This reads silly but I credit the sofa. It really opened up my living room and opened up ‘me’. A week ago I’d have said ‘let’s meet at the winery’ rather than invite them into my own home. They’ve all been here, one at a time, but not as a group. I really feel my life is turning a corner.

The dinner comedy theater was .. an experience. One we all agree we won’t be meeting up to do again but we will be meeting up to do other things. Seriously, I made my table laugh more by accidently setting a plastic fork on fire than the talent on the stage. And the fact that my fork ‘could’ set on fire is not a ‘professionally catered’ meal I want to repeat. I was surprised. How does one promote their business as ‘catering’ but serve on paper plates and plastic forks? But our group just really gelled and that was the magic of it.

The venue was at the ‘Art Paint Party’ studio and the walls were lined with the paintings that have accumulated since they opened. I was intrigued (and this is not a solicitous conversation opener - just remembering and sharing) when BCF looked around and said, ‘Your art is so much better than this’ and the other two agreed. I wasn’t asking for her opinion at the time so my pathetic self esteem argued with ‘the me I’m trying to be that accepts compliments’. SE quipped ‘Oh, she’s just being nice’ but as I didn’t ask.. where did that come from? Kaddy and Yoga agreed.

I didn’t reject their compliments (getting better) but rather said ‘well, Thank you .. that’s very kind but surely you’re just being nice. At least you know what these paintings are..’ and they answered, ‘That’s why yours are better. They make you think and feel. These are just ‘things’. They don’t make an emotional statement.’

Color me proud. Or paint me proud. Haha. They swear I need to sell them. So, heck, along with the ‘break room’ and ‘the relaxation room’ at TMP ( RR has a chaise lounge with bookshelves in it ) I may have an ‘art room’.

Around midnight the conversation was still flowing although BCF had driven home so we walked down to The Money Pit as I shared ‘some’ of my plans for it. Yoga was thrilled and wants to rent a space for her office and classes. That would only be about three times a week so it wouldn’t interfere with my other plans. She also mentioned knowing someone looking for a space once a month for grief counseling. Other things like this that make me think I may get something really interesting going there. I’m excited.

And with that I believe I’ll go get busy in my day now. Here’s hoping all of my friends are having a wonderful day in their world too.

Bella

26 September 2014

The beans & greens yesterday were fabulous if I do say so myself. Slick ate until he could barely move, or to quote him, ‘it should be against the law to eat this much’. Typing that just now I heard Ms. Congeniality in my head. I wonder if he was baiting me?

If I were a person who followed absolutes I’d have to say I failed on the upcoming challenge of ‘no snacking at night’ but I rationalize a fresh crisp apple is never a fail. I’d gone to bed with a stellar ATF day but my legs were aching so bad I could not get comfortable so I soaked in a hot tub with epsom salts for an hour. The apple snack followed and sleep finally followed the apple snack. I’m hearing that in my head too. It sounds funny. Apple snack.

This week passed in a blink with my renewed ambition in the shop during the day as well as a passion for cooking that had fallen wayside this summer. In the evenings Mushy and I have been working on the The Money Pit to figure out how to organize the floorplan for events. I hope to kick these off next year.

As I’ve often recognized, nothing ever works right on me. I seem to find my mojo in the fall - at a time when my body should be wanting to eat & store more food for the winter survival. I have really been enjoying the protein smoothies and have been thrilled my little blender has processed everything I’ve tested (cucumber, celery, apples, ice, etc) with no waste.

I know some have commented ‘I’d rather chew the food’ and I used to be on that same fence early on wanting more bang for my buck. Nothing like a huge 10 gallon salad to fill up the stomach without bankrupting the RDi. But to pack so many good, fresh vitamins and nutrients into a nice convenient beverage I can sip on during the day without feeling as full as I would with the salads, I like it.

I won’t say I’ll do this forever. I am well acquainted with the ebb and flow of my passions. I am mildly amazed to recognize that I haven’t had artificial sweetener in my coffee in weeks. Additionally, I have decreased my coffee consumption from countless cups throughout the day (including the 2-3 iced coffees I’d been indulging every afternoon) to probably 2 max daily. And.. drumroll.. I weaned off the xanax without any noticeable withdrawal side effects. This is probably nearly 20 years of that drug. Color me happy to be off it.

Well, here it is Friday which means there is an estate sale out there somewhere with my name written all over it so I need to get moving. Have a wonderful day in your world. I plan to do the same in mine.

Bella




25 September 2014

Something occurred to me this morning regarding the great 'size tag' debate of my journal the other day. Maybe I did outgrow my actual clothes a little bit but I think the biggest change is I outgrew my tolerance for being squeezed and uncomfortable all for the sake of proving a weight loss.

I am constantly comparing 'this loss' to the previous losses and I remembered how in my 40's the minute I could actually BREATHE in a pair of jeans I'd go get the next size smaller. Discomfort and sometimes even pain endured throughout the day just to say 'I wear a size 2' instead of being happy with the 4 or 6.

And this time around, starting in Aug '12, I have been working very hard to abandon the disordered eating habits that led my losses & regains in the past as well as discard the 'stinking thinking'. And I do think that's part of it. Yes, some gain. But more important, less tolerance for being uncomfortable.

I realize the number was for me more than anyone else. It's not like I wore my tags on the outside. It's not like it matters. It really doesn't. Where in the heck did a size zero come from in the first place? Wouldn't a size zero indicate a lack of existence?

Lunch yesterday included a new (to me) food: tabouli. Served with chicken Marsala and sauteed asparagus. Today is good old fashioned Southern cooking of great northern beans (how ironic, no?) with ham hock and turnips & greens plus cornbread. Slick came by and said he'd come back for lunch. That'll be nice.

I think another thing may be changing too. I may be evolving from my serial challenge role. Then again, it may be because it hasn't actually started. The 'stop snack binge' reminder in my head has really made a difference this week.

And that's the news. Need to get the cornbread on. Hope you're all having a wonderful day in your world today. Thank you for stopping to visit with me.

Bella
Weigh-in: 190.0 lb lost so far: 95.0 lb still to go: 10.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (12 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   steady weight

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