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06 November 2014

No theater movie yesterday - the dreary cloudy day influenced me to stay home and nurture myself quietly - but the multiple 'go for it' suggestions in your comments have me reconsidering it again for today.

Like that poor old tiger, I relaxed into a very long soak in hot soapy bubbles by 5:30 and was in bed by 7:30. No dinner, just leftover chili for a late lunch. I've since dumped the remainder as either the whole 'aggravation' connected to it or some specific spice in it caused acid reflux to interrupt my peaceful slumber. Fortunately a ginger ale and an apple settled that symptom and I’ve now enjoyed five decent nights of sleep in row. I woke this morning with a new sense of strength; ready to face the day.

All things food - not perfect but not off the rails bad. I’ll take it. A dear friend reminded me of all of the history swirling around from this time last year. I’m not sure if she was encouraging me to be aware and kind to myself or to dispense the same patience with others but the realization of that fact softly struck within me the need to do so.

I've often pondered that the whole 'year of mourning' for widows isn't totally about grieving; it's also an unwritten code that we are to be allowed a wide berth for our screw ups, public AND private, as we adjust to this different direction in life. I've forgiven myself several times playing the 'new widow' card.

While I've never lost my Father, and I doubt I'll grieve the same way when he does pass because we have no relationship, I must acknowledge that some of Blondie's shortcomings with our relationship could be influenced by the same situation. So I'm going to mentally print out a stack of 'get out of jail free cards' and begin dealing them whenever I feel slighted by her. I think a 1000 or so should get me thru the rest of November.

You know, that would be nice product wouldn't it? Print them up with neat little Ghandi & Buddha sayings about 'forgiveness' and package them. No need to give them to the one by whom we feel slighted; just keep placing the card on the bottom of the deck and move on. It could be the next pet rock. Feel free to use it and link me your website if you develop it.

This renewed sense of peace and acceptance returned to me last night as I recognized how grateful I was that Stick and I were able to lower the foot of the bed so I could sleep peacefully the next few nights until the replacement motors arrive. I am truly blessed, and it's nice to be reminded. It is a bed, a big one, in a very decent home. Complaining about the bed malfunctioning is definitely a first world problem, isn't it?

Well, the movie will have to wait for another day as, inspired by several journals here, I've decided to resume the Yoga class. So, another step forward. Baby steps. I'll take 'em.


05 November 2014

My day since posting the journal this morning:

*Tried two different 'cool things' as shown on pinterest; one was to do latte art in coffee and another was to make an egg completely yellow by breaking the yolk in the shell prior to boiling. Both failed.

*Multiple phone calls to support department on repairing the bed; at least 3 of the 5 techs I spoke to all sounded like that girl who would begin each sentence 'this one time at bandcamp'.

*Stick came by and helped me remove the foot motor so I could at least get the bed flat until the new parts come in so that's a relief as it will probably be next week before it arrives.

*Email from Blondie wanting to do chili 'tonight' - I haven't responded. Am considering going to see 'St. Vincent' on the afternoon matinee. Alone. Just slip down in the seat with popcorn (yes, popcorn) and lose myself in the darkness & big screen for a while.

*Chili for lunch and of all things craving a real Coke; had it. Weird. Probably first soda in a couple of years. Hopefully the last.

*Fought the urge to cry twice today. Just one of those days.

If I don't go to the movie I may just take my hot bath early. Feeling a lot like this poor old tiger today.

05 November 2014

Edit: browsing for inspiration - saw this and wanted to share

Thanks everyone for the kind and supporting comments. I first thought I wasn’t all that upset about it but then I ate both slices of the pie so apparently I was; or just casting for a reason to eat them. That’s done. Here’s to another day to trying to be better.

I was reflecting on the challenges that have been presented to me in the past year as I lay on the floor trying to fix my bed around 2am. The leg portion of it locked in full incline and I couldn’t release it; thankfully it’s only on one side and I will call the company today. I hate being awake at that time of the night; everything always seems so sad anyway. A review of the issues flew through my thoughts like a bad movie. It wasn’t pretty.

But as I say about eating, food, exercise, and life in general.. it could always be worse. This too shall pass.


04 November 2014

Okay - so along with food, exercise, etc., I'm working on the 'stop taking crap as the Nana' phase of my life. Blondie was supposed to come here tonight for 'girls' night - homemade chili (frito pie!) as well as 'that pie' still hiding behind the chia. We were going to watch a movie.

She phoned just now to say 'DH got a bonus today and he's taking everyone out to dinner.. ' didn't even say 'I'm sorry'. I said, "okay, bye".

I shouted out a couple of rants including 'obviously.. NOT EVERYBODY' or the message would be 'can the chili keep, he wants to take us all out, including you.'

Should I have said, "wonderful, I'll get my coat?" to just hear the line go dead on her end?

So I sat down with MY cup of frito pie - and started to write this journal and the son in law phoned. I answered, 'congratulations on your bonus' and he replied 'thank you but there's a problem.. I'm kicking her out over to your house - this can be done another night."

I told him no. A bonus is to be celebrated on the night it's received. He mumbled about 'no, it's not important.. it can wait' and I said 'chili can too.. now go.. celebrate'

I added the 'chili can wait too' just to see if he'd say 'well, in that case.. join us?' but again.. nothing.

I'm not nearly as upset about this as I was the spaghetti dinner night. I guess that one left such a thick callous on me nothing is hurting. And yes, I did discuss it with B afterward that I left upset because I thought we were meeting as a family... and told her when stuff like that happens, I don't really feel like a member of the family; just someone who buys tickets.

Rudeness is as rudeness does. Will swallow this ... not too much food.. and go one about my evening. The only final thought is more and more of this type stuff, the more I want to cancel the family vacay at Christmas - all on my dime. Feeling a little pathetic right now.

04 November 2014

All in all my gold star yesterday took a ding before I finally closed my eyes last night; while picking up a few things at Big Lots I spied the canisters of Jordan Almonds and the third time I put one in my cart, I gave in. My apology to the stockers there ~ you have no idea the lengths I go to in order to discard unwanted (well, correction, not needed) items; besides, maybe someone will see them in housewares or automotive and be unable to resist - and I helped sell them. There, that's my rationalization. So I had a few at bedtime; a tiny tarnish.

Will try to repeat the mindfulness again today. So far so good although all things considered I should be face down in brownies. Checking on a roast I found the flame from the burner had gone out and .. well.. just gas spewing from the stove. I turned it off; counted my blessings ( am still counting!) opened the doors and pulled out the slow cooker. This has never happened; no idea 'why' or 'how'. None of the usual suspects - nothing boiled over, no major breeze, nothing. I'm puzzled. Gremlins. Mean ones. But I'll focus on my Guardian Angel who saved me.

Not once in 'that' moment did the 'oh, I had Jordan Almonds' or 'oh, if only another 10lbs off' ever occur to me. Merely 'thank you thank you thank you .. oh my goodness.. thank you'. Certainly places life back into perspective.

WILL I wander into brownie fudge sundae land never to be found here again? No. I remind myself that while it's easy to rationalize 'we all still die regardless of our health' I remember it's important to try to be healthy while I'm here. Just in case I don't die today.

Well, golly - this is a bit morbid. Sorry about that. Overcast and raining here today. But the temps are in the mid 60's so that's nice.

Life is good. Hope yours is as well. Have a wonderful day.


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