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27 June 2014

Friday. Let’s just absorb that thought for a moment shall we? Another thought:

I am so slacking in the journal department this week. It’s like, “I wake… some things happen… and it’s bedtime again.”

So let’s start with the thread that holds us all together: food. Not bad excluding a cookie binge the other night (four cookies) and a Braums junior burger one afternoon. That was the first Braums for me in well over two years. Hopefully it will be that long before I do that again.

It’d had just been one of those days where someone was in front of me in the store all day long leaving me no time to eat long; even nature calls were challenging. At the end of the day I fled from here for my massage and my grumbling stomach asked, ‘do you think you can ignore me 90 minutes?’ and I decided a quick burger and fries would shut it up. Carbs, exhaustion or combo of both resulted in falling asleep several times for one of the better massages I have had in a while.

Otherwise, clean, mindful eating. I keep thinking about exercise but that's the extent of it: thought.

But I have been putzing around in my church and other lifting activities. Velcro Mushy everywhere I go. And Alex is still alive so that’s … dare I count…. five days now? I think he’s even bonded with me considering he greets me with spirit fingers time I approach his bowl. Sure, some people would say he’s just swimming but I know my fish.

And that’s it. Need more coffee and am going to scope out the yard sales before I open the shop. Hope you all have a good day, great weekend and plenty of sunshine and smiles. Thank you for stopping by to visit with me.


23 June 2014

Oh Hot Cakes.. it's Monday again... LOL. I have been on the go all weekend and had a great time beginning with impromptu yard-saling Friday evening (that new GPS thing is really coming in handy, LOL, I'm beginning to learn my way around MY OWN TOWN after far too many years!) and again Saturday morning. And yes, I had a place for everything and everything's in it's place. Founds some GORGEOUS stained glass windows with Hummingbirds on them in honor of Cutty. A great baker's rack for the laundry room to organize. Had a lot of fun for both of us. Mushy is quite the travel companion.

Then off to Dallas Saturday afternoon for lunch followed by the Wine Tasting Tour with BCF. In retrospect, I realize I should have asked more questions when I made the reservations. She gave me the number to phone as she saw it on TV; I believed her when she said 'we get taken around to vineyards, samples, and dinner at a great Mansion with a vineyard.'

Wrong. Oh So Wrong. 'Wine Tour' was merely a label for 'shuttle bus full of strangers who get wasted over a few sips of crappy wine and grow progressively drunk and loud during the evening of being hauled around to WINE SHOPS and ends with being crammed into a long table at mediocre restaurant with the typical 'large crowd' service. Yes, I know I read like a snob but the two tickets were $200!!

On top of that ~ BCF didn't tell me she was going to wait until mid July to pay HER HALF. I don't like that. Not one bit. I will NOT be making arrangements like that for both of us EVER again. It reminded me of Blondie!

So although it wasn't 'intolerable' just something I won't do again without asking MANY more questions. Live and learn.

Actually, the $20 late lunch we shared earlier in the day was better than the dinner. I had salmon on tomato skins (basically a few oz of fish on a single tomato) but was relieved it wasn't a great 'volume' as I'd been looking forward to AND SO ENJOYED the Maple Banana Bread Pudding. Yes, all of those delightful things in one dish. If it had contained raisins I'd probably have licked the bowl. But totally fabulous.

So fabulous that when the 'chocolate brownie w/a cookie and ice cream' came as the dessert at the 'fancy' dinner I decided to just stare at it and imagine it tasted great. By then the Tomato Bisque (cold, watery) and Trout (cold, dry) had forewarned me to not get very excited by anything else. One bite confirmed it to be sufficiently underwhelming and I was so relieved to go back to the hotel. Alone. With Mushy.

She's really starting to get her groove on at hotel travel. She LOVES running the halls because they are level and carpeted.. so she doesn't slip like on tile or take a beating on her feet like when we jog on cement. So yeah, we're like kids running the halls. Then she piled up on the pillows in on the sofa. Too cute. We snacked on some chips & chocolate I'd brought then went to bed.

Woke to the wonderful sound of rain despite falling asleep with that same inexplicable focus on 'complimentary made to order breakfast is served from 7:30 to 11:00 am'. The only thing I can conclude, as this wasn't a trade show weekend, is that the thought of something 'free' (like hotel breakfast) just grabs my attention although I'm rarely hungry in the morning anymore.

So no breakfast. I finally got myself around, dressed and made our way home with a couple of shopping stops. I picked up another Betta ~ a butterfly ~ and named him Alex. I have no idea why that name. If he lives past a week I'll post his picture. Picked up a couple of pretty blouses and a pair of jeans at Ross.

Grace and I met for brunch. I had the local version of a 'Monte Cristo' and again, not that great. Ate a few bites and called it quits although I ATE the rest of it late last night when I let myself get too hungry. For the most part though my eating was mindful and proportional. Not everything fresh or perfect but I didn't eat beyond full and stopped eating (and in the case of the wine - drinking) if it didn't taste absolutely wonderful.

So for about a week I've had this 'feeling' about a certain casino ~ one to which I've never been ~ and my plan when I pulled out of here last night was to go to it. But something got confused - either ME or my GPS - and I ended up at a different one in a different direction. Will investigate that later. No huge win for me ~ financially ~ (literally, broke even ... once I won as much as I'd wagered I cashed out and LEFT) but I consider it a victory that *I* left here, alone, on a Sunday afternoon. I knew I wouldn't be gone too long for Mushy to be home alone and it was interesting to be in the car just ... feeling things... without being distracted by her or using her as my security blanket (I often drive with one hand on her).

Whenever I would have the urge to 'forget it.. turn around.. go home' I would argue back 'hey, you've come this far... finish it.' And it gave me another notch on my seatbelt that I *can* go somewhere roundtrip without a problem. Little by little I'm breaking free of that Stockholm syndrome.

That's about it for now. Mystery dinner theater coming up this weekend. Maybe I'll even mapquest my casino hunch and try it one eve before then. Hmmm...

Hope you're all doing fine. Thank you for stopping by and visiting with me.

Weigh-in: 180.0 lb lost so far: 105.0 lb still to go: 0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (10 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   steady weight

19 June 2014

Well, it's definitely 'Walk Anywhere You Need to Go Today' Thursday because I am wearing perfectly matched underwear befitting sex or a car wreck. And as I'm not even dating, well, even Jimmy the Greek wouldn't take that action. Then again, maybe I should dash back and shave my legs in either case.

Which makes me think about how I was advised during dating versus now-a-days. Back then it was 'make sure he buys you at least three nice meals before...' Hey, maybe that's part of my weight issue! LOL.

Regardless, I considered it a gift from my underwear Angel because I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday when I endured the day feeling as if my long-line posture bra was trying to strangle me. Now we gals know usually the underwear doesn't shrink. But it had to. My pants, blouses, etc., still fit. EITHER WAY .. as advised by Roth... I am not going to wear clothes that don't fit. I will not shake or squeeze myself into anything. It makes my body rebel.

Insistent I wasn't going to spend another day like yesterday, while dressing this morning I said 'Ok.. Angel... help me pick out some underthings that still make me feel good about myself' and Voila. Everything matched. That rarely happens.

So enough mentioning of the unmentionables. What else is going on?

Your thoughts, comments, sharing, insight, inspiration and empathy on my journal the other day ~ still touching me. I have gone back and reread your gifts more times than you'd believe. Thank you. While I'm sorry so many of you experience the same thing it was comforting to know I'm not completely insane. Just partially. And yeah, I did think of the 'Runaway Bride' scenario but forgot to consider this time my gift instead of task. Yay me.. I get to really discover who I am. I may get a T-Shirt that reads 'yes, at this age, I finally have the time to find myself ... so watch out.' I may start at square one ~ like in First Grade.

During one of my 'extreme, mindless web surfing' sessions the other day I saw an article about Apple Cider Vinegar reducing belly fat and as that seems to be my Achilles abdomen lately for whatever inexplicable reason I thought I'd give it a try as the reports showed true results in blind studies. Sure, there's exercise, but there's also reality with my history that includes 4 previous massive weight losses, age, gravity, and blood sugar issues. What can it hurt, right?

I know 'nothing' is a quick weight loss magic pill. I'm not expecting that I'll have a bikini body or can start eating Ritz Crackers by the sleeve again (that comes to mind because a kid in the shop had one yesterday ... a whole sleeve of them.. and I so wanted to ask for one. Thank you Universe for giving me the maturity to refrain from asking a child for one of her crackers!) But I also liked the many other health benefits listed from helping restore hair growth and making a great bath soak. It reminded me of the health benefits associated with coconut oil.

But in the usual bizarre haphazard way of everything I do .. I just bought a bottle and took a big swig of it last night while cooking dinner. Yes, in my house, with just me, I drink from the bottle, carton, whatever. I'll go back to being polite when I share my space again, okay!

But drinking pure ACV? Wrong. Oh. So. Wrong. It should be diluted.. I read later.. as I was wondering if I was going to hurl. Today I diluted it, am sipping it as I type this, and will concede it's not half bad. It may be an acquired taste like tonic water. When I first began drinking 'that' for my nightly leg cramps it seemed gross too; basically slammed down while I nearly held my nose, like medicine. Now, I enjoy it in a nice wine glass in the evening, like a special beverage.

Interesting massage yesterday. She was really working my shoulders deep - as they are evidently the worst pain I'm carrying. While she did her magic, I tried to work mine with meditation. Some of the time I was so focused on food it was maddening. I lay there, eyes closed, zoning out on the music as if I were in complete savasana (the closest I've been to yoga in a while) but mentally I was thinking about nachos and chinese and burgers, oh my! But nothing really lasts mentally for me during a massage because the deep tissue release always sends other inexplicable memory flashes thru me and I lose my train of thought. People, locations, situations.. all random from years ago .. pop up and I think 'now where in the heck was THAT stored? Why am I thinking of that person that time at that place?'

So after a while mentally sampling the junk food menu I decided to put the time to good use and started trying to get my mind and emotions to work in sync with the physical therapy I was receiving. I decided to conclude this extreme pain I'm in lately is unwanted negativity trapped in my body, like a clogged pipe full of .. well.. you know. And with each pressure, each manipulation of my body, it was being released. To the air, out of my fingertips and the soles of my feet. I began repeating 'out you go .. pain be gone.. out...' like some naked prone Lady MacBeth.

Negative energy is a life force. It hovers and lingers. When I finally turned to supine, it was in the room .. as if it had left my body but wanted to hang around for one last chance. I could feel it. Evil energy. And my spirit sagged.

Usually during this part of the massage we have a short dialogue (I SO love that she's quiet the rest of the time, and she loves that *I* am too!) but I remained quiet and went back to work on my energy. I upped my silent chanting to include 'out of this room, out of this building, out of my life' and truly felt it happen.

And color this complete coincidence or Karma and The Universe colliding but as the massage ended and I dressed we had the most UNEXPECTED thunderstorm burst open dropping inches of water and winds bending the trees you'd ever imagine! It was something straight out of The Witches of East Wick.

The masseuse was so worried about me getting wet. I laughed and took off my beautiful strappy high heeled Italian sandals and dashed to the car barefoot. Yeah, I cared more about my shoes than my hair. LOL.

For the rest of my evening, I made a huge pot of turkey vegetable soup. Played with Mushy. Slept really well. Woke today to sunshine and puttered around with my flowers to the point I thought I'd be late dressing for work hence being so thrilled with my dressing Angel stepping in.

Wishing you all a wonderful day. Thank you for stopping by to visit with me.


PS... I am considering administering my own challenge for the first time ever. So a short poll here: anyone wanna join it?

Weigh-in: 180.0 lb lost so far: 105.0 lb still to go: 0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (20 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   steady weight

17 June 2014

Tuesday hmm? My mind is whirling and I don't feel like organizing my thoughts so much like clearing out that 'kitchen drawer' - you know the one.. that has everything from batteries to thermometers in it... I'm just going to dump out my thoughts and move on. Every time I try to think of trying to write something with a flow I find myself staring up at the walls so here goes.

The biggest thought I'm having right now is that I am still a fraud. I feel empty inside. Crazy I know with the business, Blondie & crew, travel, trade shows, photography, gardening, painting and more. Feels solicitous to even write that. But I still feel this big hole inside me.. one I've carried for what seems like my whole life. Broken. Faulty. Unfinished.

I know my life is NOW.. not waiting for it to begin. I know that. I cannot waste today thinking tomorrow or next month, next year or whenever is going to finally 'be it'. But I do. Like something better, something fulfilling is out there for me and will close off those gaps and I'll stop feeling shattered all of the time as I have for so very long.

Last night I decided grief counseling may help. Maybe not so much the loss of Cutty but the loss of my own life that I feel so often that I've wasted .. and I just want to patch it and redeem myself. The paper listed it as meeting at the local library but that was incorrect. So instead, I sat down with one of Geneen Roth's books off the shelf and began reading. I cannot remember the title nor did I read past a few chapters but usually with her, recently, that's all it seems to take. She seems to write to my soul. My inner thoughts.

In her book she admitted that despite everything she writes about, giving up dieting, blah blah, she realized she was still an anorexic at heart as she recognized her 'wings would flutter joyfully' (paraphrasing) whenever someone commented on her 'teeny weeny size' or even her doctor accusing her of putting rocks in her pockets to weigh because she looked thinner than the scale revealed.

I got that. Of course, my helter skelter way of reading didn't lead to me checking out the book for the ending... I am constantly living that way - maybe that's part of it? Like, when I was watching 'The Borgia's' on Netflix.. I wouldn't watch the last four episodes for months. I didn't want to know how it ended. I prefer my own conclusions... the same when I read.

But I recognized how I swing back and forth between knowing who and what I am ... to feeling like I have amnesia and it's weight related. When I am morbidly obese.. I am my staunchest supporter. I can list and rattle off my talents and virtues with machine gun cadence. It's a well polished speech that goes along the lines of, "Okay, so I'm not a size 2. But I'm highly intelligent to the point that I'm eligible to join Mensa if I so choose. A college graduate, honest citizen, good wife (had to adjust that to 'was a good wife') and Step Mother and I pay my taxes, hold several jobs, pay my bills,..... " and on and on. I can recognize that EVERYthing I AM is greater than my SIZE.

But when I lose weight... it's like all that goes away. No, I'm not cheating on my taxes or kicking puppies. It's just .. I get so focused on being 'the woman who lost weight' that I forget the rest of me. I forget who and what I am.

SO NOW... as I'm taking this weight loss so much deeper and farther than I've ever taken it in the past by focusing on more than that scale or tag on the jeans... I'm wondering... and I know this sounds so freaking cliche'd it even makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little... I wonder:

WHO AM I????

I've spent my life so far trying to defend myself when I'm obese and protect myself when I'm not. I feel like a stranger in the house of my body. I walk around my house PERFORMING. As if someone is watching me.

I know some of it. Being abused as a child.. I am the ultimate chameleon. I will be whoever YOU want me to be. I can do it in the blink of an eye. I can be soft or tough. Funny or quiet. I'm am the consummate entertainer, people pleaser, whatever it freaking takes for you to NOT HURT ME anymore.

I'm also a master manipulator to control every situation and I think I've manipulated myself to a point beyond recognition.

But ... WHO AM *I*????

I don't know. And that brings tears to my eyes right now as I type it. I hate that I'm still a stranger to myself after walking this earth over 5 decades. I can't figure out if I do things because people EXPECT me to do them or if I really enjoy it. I'm trying ... dear God I'm trying.

So for the purpose of journaling HERE at FatSecret...what does any of this have to do with All things food and health? ALL of it. I so identified with Roth last night. Being the fraud. Saying over and over 'I'm trying to eat what I love and love what I eat' but then RAGING inwardly when I feel my stomach is expanding.

Is it just a shift in blood sugar... blah it brought on by the increased 'iced coffees' I'm enjoying during the day but not eating food. My rings still fit. My bracelet still hangs below that freckle on my left forearm. My blouses still fit.

Why in the WORLD am I staring at my belly in the mirror and feeling bad?

So I rant... or cheer.. .or whatever mood it could be where I rage against my focus with defense. "You are way healthier than two years ago. You can walk without complications. You can stand. You can lift and do and aren't on the verge of a stroke. You've never had a bikini body ... and who cares if you did. Be grateful for everything you do have today! TODAY! Not next week, month, etc. "

I need to find ME. The me I am at any size. The me that knows who I am, accepts the things I cannot change, finds the courage to change the things I can, and the ability to know the difference.

Another thing she wrote about is that she recognized 'just because something was true 'then' doesn't make it true 'now'. Just because she could eat 'these things then' doesn't mean she'll always be able to eat them.

Ok... yeah. I get that. And with that I recognized something else.

Just because I am 'here' talking about all things food and health... I still have a history of EATING DISORDER that is different than just wanting to take off a few unwanted pounds.

This morning my thoughts took me to the analogy of all the different type people who are in AA or NA. There are some there who truly have a problem and need the support of the group. There are other's there who are court ordered because they really don't have the problem but had a little too much to drink one night and did damage.

I'm not in the latter group. I have an issue. Eating disorder. I absolutely refuse to weigh right now because if I see that number I will freaking lose my mind and make it all about the scale. And I know the tricks I can do to bring that number down. I just don't think I'd survive it one more time.

So am I in denial? Or am I finally in acceptance. I am what I am. I am eating healthy for at least 99% of the time. That entire concept varies depending on which diet guru is on and which book you read. I stay away from processed food and get my water and make the effort to be physical every day and exercise 3 times a week. I'm doing all I can.

My body... will be what it will be. I have to find the peace with that. I have to. I really don't want to die miserable and full of regret.


Weigh-in: 180.0 lb lost so far: 105.0 lb still to go: 0 lb Diet followed reasonably well

15 June 2014

Happy Sunday. I’m home today and am now sacked out on the bed with Mushy snoozing beside me after a morning spent enjoying the backyard then cooking turkey, dressing and gravy. It was my ‘Father’s Day Meal’ for one. Well, two if you count Mush. So, two.

Food and health - I did it again this weekend… fell asleep AND woke concentrating on ‘breakfast is served at 7:30 in the hotel’ although for the life of me do not understand ‘why’ as I rarely eat breakfast at home lately. I didn’t eat breakfast this weekend either - just don’t understand why it seems to consume my thoughts. I carry tuna, cheese and peanut butter w/me to the trade show for when I get hungry so that I don't resort to 'snack bar' food or the free donuts.

The trip and trade show were fine - uneventful. AS I buy and sell I think I bought more than I sold.. I haven't looked in my money bag yet.

I’m really enjoying the GPS - so much better than driving around gripping a printed mapquest in my hand. I swear at one point when I turned a block earlier than instructed I could hear Bond sigh in exasperation. “Gahhhh… after ONE mile now, make a left and go in a circle you twit...’ It’s kind of fun. I like to pretend NSA is munching popcorn and watching me on the satellite... 'Fred...look at this... she's making yet another U-turn' when all I'm doing is trying to see just how accurate 007 can be.

I do believe I ate ‘better’ this weekend alone despite challenges. Friday night I picked up deli food at the grocer and it was .. BAD … as in very dried out hard to chew Turkey and a less than satisfying antipasto salad. I went to the hotel pantry and got some chicken noodle soup and chex mix - even it was not that good so more discarded food. Hungry though I was grateful I’d picked up an apple. That helped. I felt it was a good step back toward healthier than many other choices.

That’s really about it. After the big adventure last week - and thank you all for stopping by, reading and commenting on it - this week pales in comparison. Ah well, something to live for. I’m going to go on a ‘wine tasting tour & dinner with BCF’ this weekend, mystery dinner theater w/Blondie next weekend.

My sprained ankle has healed enough to try to get back on the treadmill tomorrow. For now, I’m going to turn on a movie and check my eyelids for pinholes.

Hope you’re all having a wonderful weekend in your world.

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