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10 April 2017

Ah Monday, we meet again.

Does anyone here use the phone app of FS? If so, can messages be accessed on it? I FINALLY found the journal link but not messages.

This weekend went by in a blink. I did something yesterday I'd not have thought possible two months ago and that was to haul in four 40 pound bags of potting soil from my car to the back yard to transplant the bulb grown perennials from pots to a flower bed.

Two years ago? No problem. But now with this weight and health .. not so much. Going down on one knee to kneel at the alter of Mother Nature was much more challenging. But I was curled up in bed yesterday thinking how it needed to be done and prayed about it and managed to get thru it. Definitely a lot easier 80lbs ago but this is me, who I am today, and I'm pretty darn proud of 'gettin' 'er done'.

I've scheduled a colonic this Saturday. I've never had one but I've been reading about it and hoping it may 'help' whatever the heck is going on with my stomach. I've been 300+lbs most of my life except for those random 18month periods when I've lost the weight but NEVER had this ... swelling bloating oh my goodness what the heck is going on I look 15 months pregnant... thing.

For over a year I've gone to docs and had MRI and UltraSound and nothing. That's as far as they want to go and that took a bit to ask them to look beyond the 'fat' as the problem. I can't seem to get them to understand it freaking HURTS inside and out (very sensitive to touch). So I'm going to start there. Then onto something else.

I so appreciate the fact that y'all don't care if I record food or weigh in.. Bless you. Not that anyone who comes along at this point and criticizes or lectures me will change my mind but it's nice to be accepted for the me I am today even with my rambling journals. Again, Bless you.

This weekend I ate...oh.. well.. you know what? I ate. That's it. Pure and simple. I'm not about to assign a freaking label (positive or negative) to that either. In a country where millions go to bed hungry at night ((and not all members of the FS community, LOL)) I'm not going to be ungrateful or belittle the fact that I am fortunate to have food to eat.

For lunch yesterday I made one of the Hello Fresh meals: Prosciutto wrapped chicken over a bed of risotto. Blondie came over and had lunch with me. It was good. I'm really enjoying rediscovering cooking. I know my enthusiasm for anything has a short shelf life. For now though it's pretty darn cool.

I love that we live in a day and time that if I don't like the advice one place offers I can just keep looking until I find what I want. While soaking in my spa tub last night reading a wellness magazine I read a passage last night that suggested one tablespoon of the apple cider vinegar (rather than the half cup of so many other sites) and was able to gag that down this morning and chase it with a cup of warm lemon juice. I still made the ACV face and pray each time my face doesn't freeze that way.

Will it be the be all and end all? Not likely. Just one more little thing trying to ... okay, go ahead and make the face ... holistically heal whatever is going on with me because modern medicine sure isn't working. I may not be psychic but I can decipher the look on the doc's face 'nothing wrong with you that dropping 100lbs won't cure'.

I'm determined to be more than a number.

I've read up on fasting as well. Let me beat the dead horse again for anyone just joining in that I'm not considering any of this as a weight loss approach. I'm considering it because of some of the positive results (toxins, antibodies, etc) said to be a benefit of a three day fast.

Referring to the above, I've actually considering entering a weight but for something more than pounds. I've thought about entering 1000lbs and each time I eliminate something that was holding me back from enjoying the life I have, even for that day, I consider that a 'loss of negativity'. Much like the 99 problem song, I probably have 999 problems that stand between me and happiness. So IF you suddenly see a 1000lb weigh in for me.. don't alert Guinness or the Enquirer.

Five times. Five times in my life I thought I had this eating disorder resolved. I accept the secret to success is 'fall down 9 times, stand up 10' but it's also insanity to repeat the same process over and over. I'm back on my feet but with a new plan. But this is about getting thru the day and smiling more than I frown and laughing more than I cry.

06 April 2017

Ever since I got that (now nearly faded henna 'keep calm') tattoo in San Antonio Blondie has been after me to get a 'real one'. While that WON'T happen I decided this morning if I DID get another henna it would read "not for public consumption". But more on that later.

Grocery store visit last night - reminded me why I am so elated with the fresh boxes I'm getting. After a few weeks of recipes I'd been thinking 'okay, I got this, I can pick this stuff up at the store and go it on my own'. However, going INTO a grocery store reinforced WHY I don't want to go INTO a grocery store anymore than necessary.

For the life of me I'll never understand this concept: the aisle is designed for two baskets to travel and pass without playing bumper baskets. However, experience and observation yields 99% of shoppers push the basket on one side of the aisle and then body block the other side of the aisle browsing items from those shelves across from their basket. This results in oncoming shoppers, generally... ME... being forced to wait. And breathe. And chant. And reflect, 'thank goodness I only have to come here about once a month now.'

End Rant.

I didn't quite get all of my food recorded yesterday and I'm not going to sweat it. I'd already exceeded RDI by lunch so having the numbers on that homemade cheeseburger was informative.

Returning here will not be the 'numbers' game of the past. I'll not be doing calculus all night in bed ala 'Well, let's see, at my weight the energy I used today should have burned X calories and I ate Y calories so my weight loss should be Z'.

Returning here was truly, whether ANYONE believes it or not, merely to find that breakfast from 2013. Then visiting in private messages with some of my dear friends from before who noticed I was online helped me began thinking of being aware of what I'm eating and the nutritional value.

So being back in the fold of it will be a bonus but I am not going to repeat the 'all or nothing' I have in the past. That was a fail. Every.Single. Time.

The AON consists of measuring and recording every single bite and doing my best to only consume 50-80% of the RDI. Of course, because I'm generally 300+lbs when I start this the over all the impact is immediately noticeable as I'm able to drop 50lbs in two months; then another 50lbs within six months so I'm down 100lbs in less than a year but that's when the real work kicks in.

By then the whirlwind loss is over and the maintenance without any real noticeable changes gets harder than losing the 100lbs. Plus, by then people are asking DAILY 'how much have you lost now' and when I say 'still the same' they display disappointment and I feel like a loser, like I've let them down. Seems silly to read but that's my experience.

So I do like fresh food and generally enjoy cooking my own meals as long as they are like the ones provided - something that can be put together in a half hour or so. I'm eating fresher and that has to have a better nutrition. If any weight loss is a bi-product, wonderful.

I'm not going to weigh in because I don't want it to be about a number. I'll know if my clothes start feeling loose or if my ability to stand or ambition to move increases. Being more conscious of sugar will help my labs improve and if those improve it means my health will follow suit.

Would I love to wake up in the morning at a healthy weight and ready to walk across the state? Sure. Do I sometimes HATE myself for what I've allowed to happen when I have to stop and pause when walking lengths or of course dread the upcoming summer knowing I'm going to spend most of the time in a pure puddle of sweat and discomfort anytime outside of A/C? Of course.

But at some point in my life I have to stop the AON. I have to be able to accept myself for today with the goal to do better simply because it's better for me. I'm not going to freak out or rant about GMO'd vegetables or shriek when presented with something high fat, carb, sugar or all of it. I'm not going to live on healthy eating websites and let my entire conversation be controlled by talk of such. Today is this meal. Later will be another. All I can do is better. Not best. Trying to be the best was a fail. I'll settle for better today.

I've always had something akin to a light switch that flips everything at one time and when it does shift I'm 110% gung ho about the health and weight mentally, physically and emotionally. I've been waiting for that switch for about a year now. I regained the 2013 weight loss by late 2015. Fifth time.

So, the switch may never flip on. Maybe this is the flip - just a calm, hopefully steady approach. Maybe this will be it.

Until then... today I am what I am. Trying. I'm trying. That's what I am. Today.

I remember when I first started the food boxes and shared how much I'm enjoying the process people commented 'oh my goodness, you're going to lose a lot of weight this way.'

For the life of me I could not convince them it was about avoiding the Pajama Party at the Grocery store. It became my own version of the 'less filling, tastes great' beer argument.

I know, from past experiences over and over, the very second I decide and then ignorantly announce I was attempting to lose weight, two things happen: A) every morsel I put into my mouth becomes under the scrutiny of those thinking they are supporting me and B) Those pretending to support me but secretly resenting me for attempting what they are (not) will offer me food with 'oh, a little bit isn't going to help you' and when I say, "thank you, but I'm not hungry or craving that (thing) right now" I'm then lectured with 'don't you think you're being a bit extreme?'

I will get better about calmly saying 'my health, my weight, my way of life, is not up for discussion. Thank you but time to change the topic.'

I'll talk about here. Rant. Try. Explore. Experiment.

But otherwise...nope, not for public consumption. Now where's that Henna artist...?

Bells

05 April 2017

Little by little thanks to the private messages from my buddies I am getting the settings updated so the ability to comment on my journals if desired should now be available.

Bullet proof coffee for breakfast yesterday and again today. Miracle beverage it is by golly. On the other hand, tried that detox drink of cinnamon, honey, lemon and apple cider vinegar. I.Just.Can't.... and this from a woman who can eat sauerkraut for breakfast. Choking down the ACV was just wasn't worth the painful face I was making just to get a sip down... and it rests on my stomach like lead. There has to be a better way; maybe the rest w/o the ACV or I'll try to cut the ACV in half tomorrow with the hope that a little is better than none at all.

Starting to come back to the fold in recording food but didn't get the rest of yesterday. I will try to begin today due to a small self induced chuckle this morning:

To myself: wow, I don't know what I ate yesterday but I spent three hours last night trotting to to the bathroom.
Fat Secret ((they talk to me - in my head)) well, if you recorded your food you'd have known what you ate .....

Okay. So here's to the effort.

My Hello Fresh box came in yesterday - tonight's menu (providing I'm up to cooking after my massage) will be Prosciutto Wrapped Chicken over Risotto Primavera. I noticed there are 'some' Hello Fresh Items in the database but fairly minimal. However, the app gives the breakdown of caloric & fat, sugar, etc., so I'll likely enter it as a complete meal. I may do this after posting my journal if I don't get a customer in the shop as this is the only place I sit with a laptop.

My lawn is returning. A month or so ago I tried something new 'weed & feed'. The guy at the store advised 'don't water immediately, put this on and let the weed killer work for two days, then water'. But in my usual bumbling 'if a little is a good, a whole lot is better' fubar'd way of thinking I applied 'more' W&F two days later rather than watering. Entire lawn died. Dirt Yard. Lesson learned. Moderation. So many lessons so little time.

I finally found my recorded food from over two years ago. If there is an easier way to access it I couldn't discover it. I finally went to a food diary and then repeatedly back arrowed ... over 36 times .... to get to the time and place when I would enjoy stir frying onions, peppers, sauerkraut and spinach in coconut oil with a whole egg, ounce of cheese and fresh tomatoes on the side. I don't know why it was so important to find that other than it helped me remember a time and place where I enjoyed preparing breakfast with a better choice beyond that microwaved Schwan's Sausage, Egg & Cheese biscuit I had this morning.

That's all except that if on posting this journal my photo is off, well, sorry, I tried. There seems to be some frame that overlays the upload and I've reduced the width of the photo from 750 to 450 and the frame still wants to cut off the sides. That's what happens when gone for two years I guess. Technology. Technology happened. I want to get this right because I see a lot of posting of dishes and I'll want to do that myself. Live and learn.

Ahh.. that failed too. Submitting this now before I lose the journal.

04 April 2017

Hello All,

Well, I've had several wonderful eagle eye friends who noticed my 'online light' was illuminated and messaged me with a welcome back. So cool. It's nice to have people remember me, some even fondly, lol.

You are viewing this because I've been asked to reopen my journals for my buddies to view. Okay, Toyota you got it. However, I will share (warn) right here and now, I'm fully aware that my journal doesn't include much about WOE or All things Food just yet. So it will likely not be as physical health and weight loss conscious as expected for a Fat Secret community member. For a while, anyway.

My two year absence? Extreme depression. Some because of regaining all of the weight I'd lost especially thinking I'd finally healed my eating disorder. Wrong, oh so wrong. Big mistake. Huge.

Some due to breaking up with Harley and realizing I'd never fully processed my grief for Cutty's passing. And general things in life where I felt stuck, lost, and knee deep in sloth.

I'd returned to FS in sleuth mode (or so I thought) trying to find my recorded food from back in the day ... specifically a dish I used to enjoy for breakfast but cannot locate; I suppose those are deleted after a while. My old journals were still here and rereading the last month or so of recordings I noticed a great deal of redundancy day after day. Overeat, forgive, rationalize, move on. What else was there to do? Not much.

As pointed out to me - just returning here is in and of itself an indication that I"m leaning toward trying to regain a healthy WOE and WOL (way of life, haha) subconsciously at the very least. Maybe. Doesn't sound that far fetched.

Many things for me work their way out despite my worst intentions so I'm going to let it just happen as it happens (haha).

For example, a friend turned me onto 'Hello Fresh' (the fresh food delivery system) and I truly approached it not so much from 'oh, cool, fresh healthy food to replace microwave, nuked, takeout food and gee think about all the weight I'll lose' but rather from the 'are you kidding me? I'll never have to set foot in a supermarket again!!'

So being the obsessive compulsive I am (give me a fish and within a week my house looks like Sea World) I looked online and enrolled in several other systems (Blue Apron, Sun Basket and Home Chef) and then I immediately had to start pausing and skipping delivery weeks when I realized the quantity of meals I'd have to be cooking and freezing ... duh.. it was supposed to be fresh. I do love it so and get a box a week - gives me six meals and I'm cooking with things I'd never even considered before. Plus while it's not specifically designed for weight loss that's going to hopefully be a positive bi-product of it with the portion control and fresh veggies.

So that's new. Walking a little more than before but haven't climbed on the treadmill yet. Finally working with my plants and back yard again - totally ignored them last year ... Mother Nature decided to forgive me and gave me a few of the perennials for motivation.

And I've returned to painting but not so much photography yet. And on the heels of my first 2017 journal - the buyer did come back and get the painting so that was just ...pretty darn cool. I completely unintentionally sold a painting. I are an Artist. Ha.

I discovered this weekend what I thought was early onset night blindness was just my contact lenses prescription had gone to crap. After relinquishing the steering wheel to Blondie after making my third wrong turn this weekend, all at the speed of smell because of my hesitation of where I was going ... I pulled out my contacts to rinse them, dropped one, tossed the other and went 'Viola... I can see, I can see!' Duh. Stupid is as stupid does.

So last night I decided to drive, after dark, (seriously, this has been a big limiting devastation for me) and my driving angels were working over time. I'd been behind some slow poking driver for about 10 miles and once I had a chance to pass I took it! To the tune of 15 mph over the speed limit. With a TDPS officer right behind me (apparently rear psychic vision isn't completely 20/20) but my driving angel helped me talk him out of writing me a ticket for speeding. Thank you angel.

I'm looking forward to an upcoming trip to New Orleans - first time since Katrina. Despite the depression I have been traveling a lot this past year ... trying to get out of my house, out of my head and out of this funk. Things had gotten really bad around here - closet piled up beyond entry, load after load of laundry just piled up ... total mess for my OCD personality so I just tried to go elsewhere ... where the mess 'wasn't'. But with the help of an antidepressant I began taking a couple of months ago, Fetzema, combined with hormones, I regained the ambition to get the pigsty of my home reorganized.

I went thru a few days of 'geez, why is it for me to feel like my old self it requires chemical maintenance?... why can't i be this way naturally' and then I just said 'hey, when the lord sends me help, I'm going to accept it, pray gratitude, and move on. No more questions.

Other 'what abouts' some of my buddies may be wondering... yes, I still have Mushy face. She'll be 9 in July and remains my velcro baby. Blondie and her family still live next door, except for my oldest grandson (19 going on 40) who has moved in with his girlfriend over in Irving.

I have no 'love' interest ... and oddly, the only time I ever even care about that right now is when I'm out in public and see some couple holding hands or other PDA's or just having dinner together. I will confess with some embarrassment I've had to reconcile that in my mind with 'they're probably having an affair' to stop lonely tears slipping into my coffee. Someday I'll reach a point of admiring them rather than regretfully envying but not today. Ah, something to live for.

So, that's the highlights and low lights. Aside from the 'warning, this isn't the healthiest journal in the world' comment above I'll also prepare you that I may or may not read and reply to every one else's journals. I'll ask for your understanding and forgiveness up front and if it creates resentment please know I understand if you don't read or comment on mine. That was one reason I had left it closed off. Nonetheless, I have stopped trying to predict the future and just manage myself a day at a time.

Thanks for stopping by.

Bells

31 March 2017

All right, try again. Something new to journals in my two year absence, the ability to upload images direct rather than that whole third party image thing. But in the course of testing that I clicked cancel thinking it was applicable to the image not the entire journal. I was wrong. Nonetheless.
I peaked back at a few of the journals two years ago and realized this past year wasn't the first time for this sloth depression - but then again, it may be when it began and never ended. I'm taking Fetzema and hormones they are helping but I still had a huge emotional breakdown this weekend when my third trip to San Antonio failed. On the heels of that Grace critized me by saying I was negative. I lost it. I've fought my whole life people making me feel unlovable and now my best friend??? WTF??? I started crying. And when she came to see me the next day, I started crying again.
I finally wrote her and told her it wasn't her, she just got caught in the wake of it all but it has affected my feeling toward her for now because I feel she judged me. And has been judging me. And I don't know how to be ME around her. If I have to edit myself with my friend what's the point. I don't need that crap.
Yesterday someone asked to buy one of my paintings. That was cool except he never came back after leaving to get money.. I went from an extreme Sally Field high "they like my paintings, they really like my paintings" to a cynical low of "are you kidding me??? It's not enough that San Antonio messes with me when I"m there - it's started sending people after me to mess with me once I leave" ( as the """" buyer """" was from San Antonio)

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