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09 August 2014

Well today will be an interesting day of opportunities to make conversation, do business, and stand upright after my second sleep deprived night. Okay, that’s exaggerating. I don’t remember much between 10:30 and 11:30 so that must have been sleep. But the rest, yep, Owl Eyes.



The return to clean eating committee recognizes two successful days in a row as well as a shocking refresher course in measuring spoons. We are now painfully aware that eyeballing the peanut butter tablespoon size servings for the past few months has been waaaaaaaaayyyyyy off. Well, that’s why we review.



Just in time as I recently discovered a delectable little beverage that could have been the devil in disguise: Vietnamese Iced Coffee - using sweetened condensed milk as the creamer. I froze some coffee this week to use for the ice cubes to avoid it becoming diluted. Nice little afternoon pick-me-up every now and then.



So time to go pull on some clothes, paste on a smile, and Sparkle, Neely, Sparkle. I’m going to be away from the internet until later this evening so I hope all my dear friends will play nice today. Or at least, PM me if there’s a truly volatile thread to follow. I’ll make popcorn and catch up.

Reminds me of that line in The Big Chill:

Sarah: Michael, if you're going to sleep this late, you're going to miss a few minidramas.
Michael: I just hope you'll wake me for anything really ugly.

Here’s wishing everyone a wonderful, healthy, happy Saturday.

Buh Buh Buh Bella

08 August 2014

08 August 2014

I’ve been awake since about 2am; finally threw in the blanket and started drinking coffee around 4am so, well, I’m wired and there’s no telling where this journal may go today. I was so frustrated to find even Alec was asleep, perched on a little branch in his bowl, I felt myself on the verge of channeling my Grandmother and one of her memorable crap slinging irrational ‘fits’ and wanted to just crank rock music and shake Mushy awake from her snoring. If Bella’s not sleeping, NObody sleeps. But I didn’t. Besides, the vacuum would have waken her more than Bob Seger. Or the weed eater.

Anyway, I was pleased to realize I was hungry this morning. I know this goes against the logic of ‘today is the second day of my better, less indulgent, clean eating’ proclamation but I consider it a good thing. Then again, being hungry at 6am after being awake since 2am is really more like lunch and that’s my normal but .. oh, well, I don’t feel like doing quantum physics logic right now. I’ll consider it a good positive.

Mainly because I was trying to recall ‘what did I do back ‘then’ that aided in my weight loss that I’m not doing now but could start doing again to see if it still helps?’ Yes, of course, fewer trips to the Cheesecake factory, taking a sabbatical from the cheeseburgers and putting down the french fries will help more than anything.

I’d been struggling with resuming the breakfast meal because it seemed forced; eating when I wasn’t hungry seemed contradictory to everything I’d been trying to achieve. I’d even stopped adding coconut oil and unsalted butter in my coffee hoping to ‘debulletproof’ my morning in effort to have a natural appetite return. I just couldn’t face force feeding myself; it felt like too giant a step backward. Oh my, google tells me that isn’t grammatically correct and is suggesting a different adverb. Deal with it.

So I know ONE thing that kept me somewhat troubled last night and contributed to sleeplessness was that stupid math stuff. You know, the part early on in a weight loss where you waken and start calculating CICO and wondering if you made a difference that day. I lay in bed thinking ‘no way I only ate 900 calories yesterday … I must have missed something… I can’t have eaten that little and not have been hungry… ‘ and then I remembered ‘Oh, crap, I had an apple… and I added relish to my tuna… MUST remember to add that to my food diary when I get up… darn, why is it I can’t log into FS on my Kindle HD… do I need to bring the old Kindle in here .. yikes, my bed already looks like I’m the loneliest woman with ADHD in the world with a kindle, TV remote, PS3 remote, bed remote, light remote, glasses, and sudoku puzzle book all on the side where Cutty used to sleep..’

As if it would have made any difference. I’ve done the math before; logged everything. I actually over log food because I’m aware the math on ‘how many energy calories in this food’ is only an estimate. And I would log my activity as if I slept 24/7. And at the end of the month I would end up with a 28,000 calorie deficit but the scale would stay the same. If only it were that easy.

A new change I’m making is NOT drinking an entire pint bottle of water at one time. I remember graduating that down from a two pint bottle back about a year ago; it stopped making my stomach feel so swollen and sloshy. Now a pint bottle was doing the same. One cup at a time…. everything in moderation, even the H20.

Anyway.. that’s the start here today in Bellawood. Trade show tomorrow so today is my Thursday, tomorrow will be my Friday and Sunday will be ‘I think I’ll just lay here on the recliner in the yard’ day. The plan is to go out to dinner with BCF after the show tomorrow. I’m looking forward to this opportunity to renew my skills of ordering and eating mindfully, even in public, when the food is paid for, and there’s too much served, and there’s a dessert menu. Yep. I got this.

So, if I don’t make it back today ~ y’all have a good ‘un. Thank you for stopping by to visit with me here in Bellawood. Comments always welcome. Cash accepted too.

Bells









I laughed at this one the most - it reminded me of how our fridge looked in the past when I'd start a diet... the colorful side, of course, was Cutty's with all the usual foods - processed, high fat, delicious stuff. Mine was the boring white side of 'no fat, low fat, bland boring' stuff.

07 August 2014

You know that little 'bell' that rings in your thoughts.. quiet but undeniable .. until it graduates from 'the soft church bell from across town' to 'the shriek of death alarm clock from across the room?' I had that latter one finally graduate for me yesterday.

I have been struggling. Really struggling to ... well ... to make peace with myself on this whole eating disorder thing. I spent nearly a year doing the EWYL (eat what you love) and it was working but then I forgot.. and I ignored the bell.

I've made progress, no denying it. But I've been dancing on a slippery slope for a few months of indulging; well, over indulging actually. All things in moderation includes moderation but I know the 5-6 iced coffee's (with liquid cream)daily and the Cheesecake factory visits and Road Trip burgers were beginning to shift from the 'occasional indulgence' to the 'far too frequent a habit' column.

So yesterday, in the midst of my flab-jack induced IBS feeling as if I had a load of cement in my colon followed by cheeseburger and fries for lunch swimming in at least a gallon of water sucked up on hump day to try and do some damage control, I decided it would be the perfect time to weigh myself.

I know some of it is part of the 'fat to muscle' conversion weight but not all. My clothes aren't fitting as they did. Time to turn this train around before it's too late.

So, I'm recording it. I don't like it. It certainly doesn't have the same emotion of joy as it did when I recorded it on the way down. But it's the truth. One I can face.

And, I announced it. In real life. Not the weight - just the fact that I'd gained and I'm not happy with it so I'm going back a time when I paid more attention to the nutritional makeup of my food. Not restrictive deprivation. Just not so many trips to Indulgence-ville.

I did that for the sake of others so that I don't repeat the Valentine's 2012 when I was stricter on my intake and reacted to the chocolate dipped strawberries from Blondie as if she'd handed me a bouquet of spiders.

And BCF won't feel shunned when I give away her present of chocolate dipped potato chips. I'll just resume regifting food faster than 'Feed the Children' again for those who refuse to believe me. I've done it before, I'll do it again.

I don't know if I'll ever reach a point in life where I don't have to pay attention to my food and weight every day to keep it in check. Maybe that's the lazy part in me that creeps in when I'm not looking. It's no different than balancing the checkbook, paying bills and making sure the laundry is done. It's just a part of responsibility.

So I'll chock the past couple of months eating up to 'spring break'. Time to get back in school and remember my goals. Health. Mobility. Pride. And being able to rock those ridiculously high heeled strappy sandals. The important things in life.

Bella















Weigh-in: 190.0 lb lost so far: 95.0 lb still to go: 10.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (19 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   gaining 4.4 lb a week

06 August 2014

Wednesday and it's definitely hump day in the area my waist would normally be thanks to a pancake binge last night. So I'm standing rather than sitting, drinking water instead of iced-coffee, and doing the quick step to the throne in between as apparently flab-jacks (yes, I meant that) cause me IBS. Or maybe it was the maple syrup. Or maybe just too darn many.

Another day to be better.



But not today. Blondie came for lunch and brought cheeseburger's and fries. She was complaining about 'her' IBS as well and I thought 'well, this meal isn't gonna help either of us.' I just feel sorry for my massage therapist this afternoon if this hasn't passed by then.



This morning I could hear the birds chattering at the feeder while I was in the bathroom. I tried to creep quietly to the open door to enjoy watching them and they scattered. It felt like the lunch room at junior high school all over again. I wanted to screech 'oh, sure, peck the hand that feeds you!'



On the other (unpecked) hand, Alec always seems happy to see me. It's been nearly two months and he's still swimming. I laughed a couple of weeks ago when some lady with her two children in the pet section of Walmart remarked 'oh, good, you look like you know what you're doing - we want to get an aquarium and need help!' I assured her I was NOT the fish whisperer and confessed I was only picking up a new food in celebration of him surviving a month with me. So with that caveat I gave her my experience earned advice.





Other than that ~ I'm experimenting with my plants trying to determine which will live (survive) inside this winter so that I don't start at square one against next spring (sans the roses) so I'm taking cuttings and have my own little lab experiement going on through out the house. The coleus and ivy are doing well, of course. Trying a few others.



I hope this works as it would make maintenance very low ~ no puddles from watering. But it has to be something that will transfer back to dirt next year as I've already tried plants in vases outside and while I'm far from expert level I will share my plant whisperer experience: in direct sunlight.. the plant.. essentially... boils. Bad idea. Really bad idea.

So while I know it doesn't take a Monday or the first of the month or any other specific day to initiate a change ~ I'm going to be better this afternoon. More water. Stay up and on my feet. Not let one meal ruin the whole day. One bite at a time.

Hope things are going well in your world today.

Bella

PS - I haven't mentioned Mushy because she is in a total down mood today. I think she's imitating her Mommy. Maybe the flab-jacks are bothering her too.

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