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24 October 2014

Wow - it’s Friday. That was quick.



I did really well at the Kiwanis Dinner & Auction last night. Beef stew, cornbread and yes, an oh so delicious chocolate chip brownie. But it was one bowl, one slice and one brownie. And I’d IF'd all day to prepare for it. My body and digestive system thanked me evidenced by no acid reflux last night although it would have just had to get in line behind the RLS discomfort. Will definitely be picking up the OTC magnesium suggested and give that a try before limping off to the Doc.

I just realized it’s ONIF (oh no, it’s Friday) and will remain firm with an offer to meet ‘after hours’ instead of lunch if Yoga phones. My goal is get the DURDI up to 2. This will help to relieve me of the anxiety and tendency to overeat out of aggravation.



I took all of your comments and support yesterday (well, every day actually - you are all so wonderful) to heart as always. Being reminded that I’ve ‘been thru the wringer’ this past year struck home. And with that reminder I realized I’d been doing my usual self sacrificing accommodating everyone else the past few months.

I am getting much better about putting me first hence my realization yesterday that *I* need to decide if I like other people more than being worried if they like me. It’s a fine line, tightrope or whatever the label may be to find the balance between being a selfish narcissist and a wimpy schmuck.

No plans this weekend. Unless some incredible inspiration or offer comes along I’ll likely spend it much the same as the previous just puttering around my home working on little projects and reflecting.

Have a wonderful Friday in your world today.

Bella



23 October 2014

Beautiful weather here today. Sunny and cool: my two favorites. I even have the back door open and the A/C off for the third day in a row. Love the fresh air. Mush loves it too ~ she can wander back there and lay in the sunshine at will rather than faking a potty run. My little girl is growing up. We both are.



ATF confession includes pancakes last night; just a couple but cakes nonetheless. However, the acid re-flux reminded me why I don't eat those foods.

A handful of tums and ginger ale later and I managed to sleep about 10 hours. Waking at 9am I was surprised and a little thrilled to realize I hadn't set my alarms. So I didn't make it on the treadmill but that's okay, I will do it tomorrow. Or meet Sharon's tag challenge to belly dance. Or both.

Of course that wasn't solid sleep ~ I'm always up a few times ~ but though I haven't yet picked up the magnesium suggested for the RLS I did take a double dose of the OTC and a hot Jacuzzi and went to bed at 8:30. So today I'm able to be mindful about what's passing my lips a little better ~ both incoming and outgoing.

It's interesting to me that the incoming is what hurts me and I wonder if it's a subliminal punishment for the outgoing? Although I haven't 'said' what's bugging me the past few days, I've thought it. So the pancakes were punitive. A sort of 'a person with ugly thoughts like you deserves to treat your body ugly..'

So maybe rather than thru the lips I'll release it thru the tips of my fingers: it's Blondie. There, enough said. But then it's also me dipping into that depressive lull that hits and I feel ever so lonely and sad. I find myself talking to Cutty far more now than I likely did when he was alive. There, enough said about that too.



Well, I actually created something from Pinterest that didn't end up a hot sticky mess using a frame and dry erase marker. Will leave it to you to do your own Google but mine today has a nice Thanksgiving theme on it with the message written on the glass: Eat Mindful today. No more acid re-flux. I also made one for Grace; she loves sunflowers so I did a nice soft focused sunflower theme and hot glued some silk sunflowers to the outside of the frame.

I realized last night I still have more to work thru on the self esteem as I was thinking about the loneliness but my first thought was 'well, no guy your age would want me because of x, y & z' but then fortunately the 'me' I've been working on this past year chimed in and said 'Why are you FIRST concerned about whether they want YOU? Your first concern would be whether you want THEM!'

Oh yeah, THAT!

Liquid fasting today - coffee and water only. Thankfully, I'm just not hungry and after the past couple of days I'm sure my digestive system could use a break. Kiwanis auction & dinner tonight so this is a good thing; while I will still pace myself and eat mindfully tonight ::insert TRY:: I'll at least approach it with the same focus as when this WOE was new - ala - preparing for the consumption of dining out rather than just adding it in with all the other food for the day.

One day at a time - my constant motto. I felt myself slip on a thought this morning (or last night? - days blending) but nonetheless, it was an old way of thinking and I'm proud I caught it and decided to address it now. I was reflecting that my increased consumption exceeding my activity (CICO) has added at least 20lbs to my body in the past year. My OLD way of thinking, on these previous weight losses, answered such a realization of 'so, what's 20 after losing 110... no big deal.' But my renewed way of thinking responded 'Remember when you swore you'd be as diligent with just FIVE pounds like your Angel?? What happened to THAT?'

So while I'm not particularly PROUD of the 20 and I also know some of that is fat to muscle conversion ... I'm aware of the slips and the after effects they are creating. So I'm proud today my plan is to turn it around even if it is one day at a time, one bite at a time. Just for today, I'm going to be mindful, healthy and happy.



One hour at a time at least - finish one hour, reassess, and do it again. That's all I've got to do. Yup.

Hope you're having a good day in your world today.

Bella

22 October 2014

No auction last night but I still gave into the slice of cheesecake I picked up a few nights before when I was actually craving a bear claw. My goal was to let it set in the fridge so long it molded. Well, at least it's gone.



Additionally the restless leg syndrome has grown impervious to the OTC's & hot jacuzzi so before I head to the doc I decided... yeah.. wait for it.. to TREADMILL this morning. Hey, if I'm going to lay in bed at night with painful jerking muscle spasms, at least I'll have an excuse for it.



I hate to recognize that this all started about the time I gave up the weekly massages. As much as I enjoy them I hate to think that's going to be the only way I get relief for the rest of my life.

Chicken stewing on the stove for now; will add some fire roasted veggies & broccoli florets later. Cann't believe I ran out of California Mix ~ esp when I was really enjoying the baby carrots.

I can't think of anything else right now. Maybe later.

Bella

I don't know why - but this cracks me up...

21 October 2014

I have to record this while it's fresh on my mind but before my head swells.. in the past 24 hours I've been called 'pretty blonde' and 'beautiful blonde' and been told I "have such a great personality - the kind that makes everyone I come in contact with feel special."

Color me ... feeling really good. And with the same 'sorry for the ego' ala Deb, I know it sounds like bragging but so be it. I've earned it with the changes I've been making in my life in ways more than just the scale.

To have someone tell me I have a wonderful personality that makes people feel good.. well.. that's the same person who years ago told me I had a really sh*tty attitude about things. So, I'm going to take it, savor it, and enjoy it. I wanted to get these people to put it in writing for me ... but I'll stick w/the memory of it. So there.



Another NSV recognized this morning - returning a pair of boots because they gave me blisters. I've always been hesitant to return things .. and heaven know's I'd limp all the way to Canada just because my boots were cute. But no more. Yay me and this maturity thing.



Dinner last night with Grace's Church Ladies was actually nice. I did eat a little too much and went over my RDI but didn't feel tense, aggravated or unable to make conversation. I'd meditated about an hour before and just made it point to believe whatever was being said to me was out of kindness; basically I adopted an obtuse outlook for the evening. Teacher Face wasn't there. It went well. They insisted I join them at the next one and I consider it a 'sign' that they are going to meet at the restaurant across the street from my shop for that one.

So I know I blew right past the 'exceeded RDI' confession ~ I take it in stride that I am making progress compared to when my RDI was 2000. That 500 fewer calories is helping me reign in and be more aware of my consumption. Even when I torture myself by baking cornbread AND a cherry cobbler to give to Stick with the beans. Imagine it.. all alone.. the scent of cobbler ..crazy time. I'd even purposely made enough to make myself a small one and fortunately Stick and another customer each took servings so I was confined to about 1/2 cup. Yay. No temptation calling out for the night stalker.

Which of course makes me wonder if I'm ready to battle the 'homemade cakes' at the Auction tonight. For clarity sake, I didn't eat a whole cake... and I suppose I should be more forgiving of a piece (even if it's 5 times the size of a recommended serving) but I need to rediscover that willpower in me for a while that whispers "you don't need it, you're not hungry, you have fresh fruit at home, you are trying to recapture your goal of healthy living" and more. Where ever that voice is that hangs around the first 6-9 months of my new WOE... I need it to return for a while.

So for tonight I'm putting you all on guard duty ~ and will imagine you standing in front of the cake with arms locked ... if I get whatever crazy frosting soaked delight they bring up tonight.. I have to go thru you. Dear Lord, let them not have pecans on it. It'll take a second string of defense.



Speaking of nuts .. MaraNatha no stir raw maple almond butter. I'm just saying. Good stuff. One small teaspoon and I'm a happy camper. Craving satisfied; need to forage for more erased.

Well, Mush (yes, Kattay, I call her Mush a lot too... plus a whole string of different little names) is doing much better. We were due to go to the (whisper.. V.E.T) this afternoon to get her seizure meds refilled but it's gotten so much more complicated - just like people drugs. So maybe tomorrow. Crazy stuff.

And finally, yes I do agree the exercise with weight loss would definitely change the body more than just decreased calorie weight loss, hence why I am hoping Mary Poppins lands here as I just don't have my umbrella license right now. Maybe one of the Church Ladies will bring it up and this path, this journey, will continue.

Be well, be happy, be good to yourself.

Bella


20 October 2014

Ahh.. ambition and motivation... so fleeting with me these days. Is it weather? Age? All of the above? I was head down and knee deep on working up the fliers and contracts for the 'craft & collectible' shows I'm organizing at The Money Pit but when I stepped away for a moment.. yep.. my laptop rebooted itself. I do try to 'save' periodically but haven't the heart to look just this minute. After I get this journal up I'll take a deep breath and try again.

I didn't record food again yesterday ~ but it was a day of 1/2 cups of chili broth here and there followed by half cups of bean broth. Filling yet (I pray) not so calorically dense, again. Maybe I'm the dense one. Banana with melted peanut butter for evening snack. Seems as if I grazed all day but hopefully not so much damage.

A thought occurred to me last night as I continued working through the series 'Heavy' and that is the intense workout these participants are subjected to daily, esp at their extreme beginning weights of 300lbs and up. I get that exercise is good .. yes, although I don't DO much of it, I GET it... but I cannot drown out that voice in my head saying, "weight loss is 80% food, 20% exercise... so those folks dropping their meals from 3000 to 300 calories a meal alone is the hugest contributor to their weight loss".

However, I'm not pooh-poohing the method. I have been thinking about a trainer or workout buddy, a dependable, no excuses from either of us, git 'er done type buddy. I know it can be done alone but not by me. I've proven, time and again, that my self motivation dwindles quickly. And I wonder if THAT, the sheer exercise of healthy living, is the last piece missing from me 'keeping the weight off'. It may be that final 'spark' that keeps me in maintenance for the rest of my life.

My only deal breaker is 'no yelling'. I wouldn't take it. I'm not a whiner; I would work as hard as I physically could even it if meant throwing up (as they do) but not if some drill sergeant wanna be decides to treat me like we're at boot camp. I notice those folks leave via airplane when the six months is over (this is at Hilton Head in SC)

Anyway.. what else? Mushy is feeling much better, thank you; still a little hesitant on jumping up in the chair or bed - it's as if she's lost her confidence or something, I don't know - but eating better, more playful, and even had a bath yesterday. She's such a good baby. Maybe she's just getting older too.

And with that, I think I'll go check the chicken brewing on the stove. I think this is part of my motivation for giving food away all the time. I like the smell of something simmering all the time without filling up my freezer or wasting groceries. Someday I'll get to the point of 'one chicken leg & thigh smells just as good as five' but not today.

Dinner tonight with Grace & the Church Ladies. I think I'll take an hour before I go and meditate for peace, calmness and patience as well as the maturity to sit thru the catty comments, breathe and give them the benefit of the doubt, and look forward to meeting some very nice people. Inhale...

Hope you're all having a wonderful day in your world today.

Bella

Sharing some things going on around Bellawood:
That chair I repainted - maybe will redo really 'arty' some day:


Before refinishing:



After - yes, that's my dusty treadmill behind them...


Another little project I did - no before pic though - still looking for a base / dresser for it:


Some (of several) of the succulents around ... love propagating them:






One of the many pineapple's planted this summer:


And some of the flowers still blooming:



And the thing I tell myself multiple times a day:



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