showing entries 6 to 10 of 545
Page:   Prev  1   2   3   4   5   6 ...  Next

09 April 2014

Wednesday - April 9th. Nearly four days of quiet self reflection has felt like camping out at the 'all you can think' buffet of life. I have several different topics brewing but am going to start with the one closest to me which is: my grieving is taking on a more balanced perspective.

Grace is of the opinion that 'dreams' are how we defrag and reboot our brains at night. It takes all the things of which we are aware and those subliminal things of which we aren't and clears SOME of the slate for another day. And much like reading a horoscope or fortune cookie ~ dream interpretation is merely a guess based on the experiences and emotions we bring into them.

For the first few months after Cutty's passing I'd dream he was still alive; he'd died, but came back. And I was panicked trying to get his clothes, get him back home, figure out what happened and why, etc. Lately my dreams have been that he is back ... he did die and returned .. but the panic is gone, the Mr. Hyde personality of his (one we all possess) is in full throttle, and it's a little stressful.

Very revealing was when a person asked me in one of my dreams the other night, "When are you going to start living YOUR life?" my answer was, "I was just on the verge of it when he came back." I am beginning to wake from those dreams relieved instead of mournful. Progress, not perfection.

While I'm not always crazy about this phase of my life - being not only 'lonely' but being the only decision maker and yeah, having to accept the responsibility of the decisions that fail without a fall back plan to blame someone else - I am recognizing how much of 'me' has been hiding the past few years.

I don't blame him for that - I blame myself. In effort to avoid confrontation I'd just 'go along' in whatever direction it took to avoid an argument.

An example would be 'dressing up' for the shop. If I'd strapped on these ridiculously high heeled sandals, perfume, makeup and a pretty dressy outfit as I am today, there would have been questions. "Who are you dressing up for out there?" Saying, 'No one but you, my darling" was never accepted as the truth.

Why didn't I say "Me. I like the way I feel when I dress up. It makes me feel good about myself"? But I didn't. To avoid feeding his suspicion and the confrontations the 'longshoreman' look (over sized denim jacket over turtleneck sweater over slouchy nondescript jeans over boots or loafers with no makeup and usually a 'cap' became my daily uniform.

And my brain worked like this: day by day the 'life' was being sucked out of me and I felt I had nothing to live for other than indentured servitude so why prolong it by being healthy? I felt like that old joke where the patient asks, "Doc, If I give up fatty foods, smoking, drinking and sex, will I live longer?" and the Doc answers, "Why would you want to?"

Lest this read like I'm turning into some wilting flower, I am not. I pushed back plenty on business, household, finances, healthcare and dealing with 'issues'. It was just, in the midst of all that.... *I* got lost. Me. The one who likes dressing up without judgement or suspicion. The one who likes getting a new 'welcome mat' even though the ugly old brown one refused to wear out. The one who let herself feel guilty or irresponsible to publicly purchase new clothes and instead snuck them in while he slept and pretended 'this old thing? had it for years'.

And I'm beginning to understand why widows mourn for a year. It is within this year I'm beginning to remember who I was, who I am, and who I want to be without allowing the opinion of another to influence me. I feel it is important to take this time to step back and get better centered in my own personality. There are days when it feels like that direction out of '28 Days' where the people in recovery are advised to stay away from relationships. I think Cornell recommends, "get a plant. If you can keep it alive for a year, get a dog. If after two years both are still alive, then you can date."

It could be that it's recommended so that the person in recovery isn't pressured by another person in their life or fooled by the infatuation of 'new love'. This is the time for discovery and it needs proper attention. Time for reinforcing my personality now that I'm older and hopefully a little wiser. Time to remember of all things I'll battle, I'll fight for me the most.

Thank you for visiting with me.

Bells





Weigh-in: 180.0 lb lost so far: 105.0 lb still to go: 0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (12 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   steady weight

08 April 2014

06 April 2014

Sunday Morning - April 6th. The past couple of days have kicked my behind energy wise. I finally got in gear Friday and got back ahead of the game instead of behind the 8-ball on things like opening a stack of mail piled up for a week, getting the bills paid, quarterly taxes filed, etc. Then there was the packing for a one day trade show yesterday which was disappointing financially. The organizer moved the location and I just can’t seem to get my Mo-Jo back in that other place; this is the second time there. Gah, maybe it’s just the economy. Can’t be ME, right (LOL). Ah well.

ATF at the show was fine - I packed tuna, salmon (packets) and celery, guacamole and plenty of water. I’m the oddball in the room full of take out burgers and pizza delivered.

But then BCF phoned while I was there; she was having a meltdown from an issue with her son so I met her after the show and we went to dinner while Mushy stayed at home with Mr. BCF. She was okay but reeked of cigarette smoke ~ had to wash her down when we got home.

RDI is off the charts in print because we went to a German restaurant so I just over estimated my food recording. This is my second time for that type of food and I must confess half the time I have no idea what I’m eating. I was bone weary worn out tired by dinner time as I’d been up since 2am so it didn’t occur to me to ask for a nutritional info on the menu. Ah well, can’t undo it. What will happen will happen. But I am aware I ate too much and felt uncomfortable. Another lesson learned from observation. Another reminder.

I’m working on my ‘micromanaging control’ issues. Last night I let BCF drive us to dinner. It was nice. Whenever I go somewhere with someone, I’ve always driven. I never get to enjoy the ride. So when I returned home I emailed Grace and asked her to drive us today - we are going to The City for brunch and the theater.

Friday when I took Mushy to the vet I let them take her alone to trim (the other 19 of ) her nails; I have always gone in the room with her to make sure she was okay but without me in there it went much faster. And she still seemed ‘happy’ afterward.

I think with ‘me’ releasing the thinking I need to be in the center of everything, the puppetmaster, I may make another step toward protecting myself from the exhaustion that accompanies that control.

Thank you for the comments about my ‘bark & bite’ episode at the vet. I told BCF about it and laughed apparently ‘chubby’ is a worse ‘C’ word for me than the other one (See you next Tuesday). I do accept that I over reacted and he was probably a nice man ~ what can I say, I’m not perfect.

After posting my journal I emailed a snapshot to NB and he sent me an interesting response from a perspective don’t think of because I’ve rarely, except for the few times I’ve lost weight, been heckled that I look ‘too thin’. I’ve pasted a copy of it at the end just to share something from someone who knows ‘me’ IRL and has been on the other side of the scale.

Well, I need to go shower and spackle, get ready to ‘Sparkle, Nealy, Sparkle’. If you know that reference, you’re an old person like me :-)

Take care and have a great Sunday.

Bells


You know when I read this it really hit home with me. Until I got into weight lifting I was just the opposite. I was about 100lbs soaking wet. I got made fun of and picked on so much there was a time I almost took my own life. The gym changed my whole world. But even now my wife and I get slammed and ridiculed for the way we look and the way we eat. So when I read your email I felt that old rage coming up then total satisfaction for the way you handle it. You and I have something in common, we can come across scarier and meaner with few or no words than if we run our mouths. I respect you so much for handling that the way you did and knowing he came back out with his "tail tucked between his legs" made me so happy. I hate people. They feel like they can say whatever they want whenever they want, but what they don't realize we could chew them up and spit them out if we really wanted to. They have not been down the road we have been and could never imagine what we go through to get to where we are. You know I have the upmost respect for you. I brag about you to everyone. You have more dedication than anyone I have ever met and I promise it does not go unnoticed!!!

By the way, I have a full blooded pit bull that is what is called a "gotti" blood line. They are shorter and very deep chested pits. And everyone that comes over here says "wow your a little fat dog huh". I tell them actually she's not fat that is the way that breed is suppose to look and she's in a hell of a lot better shape than you. So your day sounded just like a day in my life..

Keep on kicking ass and you will keep on being happy!!!!!!








04 April 2014

Friday - April 4th - and I am still chuckling at myself.... 'A little hypersensitive are we, B?"

I took Mushy to the vet to have her bandage removed this morning. She's doing well and thank you for the concern and well wishes. To clarify - didn't get hung 'in the basket during the ride' - she has very thick, plush bed liner. Her toenail got hung on it after I'd already taken her OUT and was setting her on the ground. Lesson learned - maybe she won't grab for the basket but MOMMY will make sure she's got a 12" radius clearing before descending to the floor.

Anyway, while there at the clinic, a guy bringing his dog in leaned over to her and said 'what a chubby dog... aren't you a chubby dog... what's your name ... chubby dog?'

I pulled her closer to me and put my arm around her, took a sharp inhale and looked away from the Jerk, doing my BEST not to judge or react. But he persisted 'What's her Name?'

I looked him in the eye and said "NOT Chubby!"
The moron actually responded, 'Seriously? Her name is 'Not Chubby'?

"No!" I barked... at that point making ME the loudest B*tch in the Barkhouse.

I continued, "Her name is not important at this point as it's obvious you've never seen a genuine full blooded Chinese Pug. She's not a TOY. She's not a MINIATURE and she's NOT CHUBBY. She is a little over her normal range because of medications but is otherwise very HEALTHY and looks JUST LIKE SHE'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK.:

Can you say ... PROJECTION? Eighteen months of trying to love and accept MYself for who and what I am, love myself at any weight, working thru the "love yourself" challenge and trying to break years of bad scripts and broken records running in my head of all the people who called me 'chubby' then 'fat' and labeling me 'morbidly obese' and shaming me into not liking myself and remembering that I was more than a number on a scale or tag on a pair of jeans... it all came to head in a showdown with an ignorant man at the pet clinic.

I was PO'd! I wanted to say 'I'm surprised you even noticed her sitting there on the floor - from that 4 inches of belly hanging over your belt I bet you haven't seen your own feet in years! Who are you to call ANYONE chubby!" But I didn't. For that would make ME as judgmental and harsh as those at whom I'm angry.

The guy came back out from the exam room and had an actual tear in the corner of his eye when he leaned over and said, "Ma'am, I want to sincerely apologize for upsetting you. I didn't mean that as an insult but I can tell you took it that way and I am very sorry."

I responded, "Thank you. I appreciate that. I get really weary of my dog being fat-shamed just because she doesn't fit into a cookie cutter idea of what this breed is supposed to look like. As she can't speak out for herself, it's my job to do so."

Of course, I was speaking out for MYself in that conversation too. I thought about my reaction on the drive home. Back in the day, a chubby child was a healthy child. A 'fat' person was regarded as wealthy and well to do. Only the poor and sick were thin.

Then somewhere along the way ... the ideal woman went from being Marilyn Monroe or Sophia Loren. The perfect female specimen gracing the covers of magazines had to be a teenage waif who looked like she could be broken apart with one stiff blow. This is the image *MY* generation grew up on feeling BAD because we couldn't be that. I watched a documentary about models this weekend called 'chasing beauty' and the fact is only very tall 'teenage' girls can pull of the look of haute couture we grown women are trying to buy and wear.

And I realized, it was done to DOGS. Pugs were actually bred down from Mastiffs. Then toys and miniatures and suddenly any dog that can't fit in a purse is 'fat' or 'too big'.

Anyway ~ that was my morning. I'm sure that guy will go home and tell his wife about the very witchy woman at the clinic. I doubt he'll call any dog 'chubby' for a while though.

One day, one bite, one imbecile at a time. That's my goal.

Thanks for visiting with me.

Bella

03 April 2014

Thursday - April 3rd - and I'm having one of those days when there are so many things going on in my head structuring my thoughts into logical sentences feels like trying to herd cats so either I just ramble them out and move on or fill my journal with funny photos. I may do both before it's over.

ATF - actually doing well; ate breakfast this morning for the first time in many months; I woke at 3:30, finally got up about 4:30 and two bottles of water and cups of coffee later decided I was still hungry and I'm not going to ignore my hunger for a while; it hasn't been doing me any good.

3MZ - (Midnight Madness Munching Zero) - I've lost actual count; estimating three weeks now; am happy to just recognize 'another night' of 'not doing that'.

F2MC - (fat to muscle conversion) am really settling down and thinking about that more. I haven't stepped on the scale. I may hide it under the bed while I continue to record food paying attention to getting enough protein daily.

And the rest? Poor Mushy has a purple bandage on her front left paw - ripped her toenail out when she hung it on the bike basket (as I was lowering her to the ground) The bad news is I feel like the most horrid Mommy in the world. The good news is that's one less toenail to be ever clipped again as it won't grow back. And she, unlike her Mommy, HAAATES the pedicures.

Well, I am hungry now - have been for about an hour and had two bottles of water and a babybel cheese so I think I'll go stir up a spinach and tuna salad. I've been doing a lot of web surfing thanks to the 'Love Yourself' challenge and have some neat pics to share.

Have a wonderful day. Thank you for stopping by to visit with me.
Bells


BTW - the pug is not Mushy but still made me smile:


















Other Related Links

Members



FullaBella's weight history


FullaBella's Recent Activity

FullaBella's Own Activity

FullaBella recorded a Journal Entry.
FullaBella commented on northernmusician's Journal Entry.
FullaBella commented on glen's Journal Entry.
FullaBella commented on Ruhu's Journal Entry.

FullaBella's Buddies

ChicaLean recorded a Journal Entry.
ChristyLA supported skwhite's Journal Entry.

Other Member Diet Recent Activity

mw246 recorded a Weigh In at 123.0 lb.
cajinx recorded a Weigh In at 271.4 lb.
Naqualin recorded a Weigh In at 204.0 lb.
jt1anglais recorded a Weigh In at 159.2 lb.
badsofa recorded a Weigh In at 127.0 lb.
atsutter recorded a Weigh In at 136.6 lb.
ckcharis23 recorded a Weigh In at 133.0 lb.
ahanks1 recorded a Weigh In at 133.0 lb.