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04 February 2015

Good Morning, good day, and a good week to all as I record and share current events swirling around in Bellawood. As this is FatSecret I’ll begin with ‘All things Food’.

No perfect days. Most days I struggle to keep the quantity at a level of satisfying hunger and meeting nutritional needs. Most days lately have at least one eating episode completely unrelated to either and more connected to emotions. I’ve retraced my steps a thousand times attempting to find that lost motivation. Correction, the motivation is present … I just can’t relocate and grasp the ‘fervor’ I had in 2012. Maybe today will be the day.

I continue to be busy organizing events at ‘The Healing Center’ in between running my primary business. I cannot remember if I mentioned it or not so forgive the repeat … I sold the warehouse. Bittersweet letting go of a dream shared by Cutty and me but soothed by the fact that the sale price was 50% more than I gave for it 3 years ago. People have told me that is an incredible profit. I’m relieved one less major expense hanging over my head although my goal is to continue ‘paying myself’ that monthly fee rather than letting it just get sucked into ‘the pool’. One month done; so far, so good.

Mushy continues to be my sweet little baby girl and adapt quite well to so many changes swirling around us. Did I mention Harley has five dogs? Four small, one large. Mush, for never really having had an active social life, is fitting right in with them whenever we all visit.

We went away to a lodge this weekend with Harley and one of his dogs. It was nice, very relaxing, and gave us a chance to get away from work intrusions. Without the static noise of life I noted Harley can be a very, very, very (overly) sensitive person. In a way, that’s great that he is attuned to my feelings and emotions. On the other hand, I observed he tends to brood over simple things and found myself hiking on eggshells Sunday.

This was definitely an eye opener for me as it reconfirmed my agenda for a relationship and that was, ‘someone to share time and events’ versus ‘together all the time’. I recognized how frustrated I was Sunday eve at worrying about ‘his’ mood and all I wanted to do was get home to my own quiet sanctuary. I was about to utter the well worn phrases of, “This isn’t working. I’m not ready yet. It’s not you, it’s me.’ And So on. Then I remembered I didn’t have to do that. I just need to be kinder to myself, and retreat for a few days. And most likely, he did as well. I know I can be a lot to take on a continuous basis.

So where does that leave me today? Sipping coffee; have already had two pints of water. Will pray to get one good solid healthy eating, thinking, emotional day under my belt. Then try for another.

Hoping all is well in your world today.


28 January 2015

And here we are again.. all things food plus all things fair in love and war in Bellawood. But first, the thing that connects us all: food.

Not bad. Not the greatest but not the worst. Had a stupid moment at a Trade Show this weekend when I realized I'd not packed any tuna, peanut butter, anything for lunch and ended up going to the ... yeah, go ahead and groan.. GAS station for a sandwich. It was gross. I ate it. It made me sick. Lesson learned.

Later that Night I met ... hmm... I'm gonna have to give this guy a name...let's say Harley as he has one and is planning on taking me out for a ride on it this weekend... I met Harley for dinner and due to the flushed lunch my blood sugar was off on top of complete fried brain and physical exhaustion and I ate too much too fast and got sick again. Not a good sign. This comes too easy for me and my eating disorders.

I think.. this may be the one.. (Harley) as he asked 'is this relationship making you bulimic?' - very astute of him to notice and be ready to support me rather than 'well, couldn't hurt... considering you need to lose a few pounds'. This happened over breakfast when I shared I was feeling sick again. We sat and talked until I managed to get past that initial 'I so want to go barf' period.

And except for Monday night (when I did NOT order the skinny girl platter & water at Trivia night as I'd planned) I've been doing well on keeping the quantity reasonable and quality a little better. Am enjoying a cup of homemade salmon, vegetable, tortellini soup as I type this. Grace and I are going out for Chinese this evening.

Monday night our little team dropped to third place in Trivia. I just don't watch enough TV to compete. But the categories change weekly so we may rally before it's over. Maybe they'll have some 'boring old widow lady trivia' and I'll kick some butt.

I'd wondered when the claws would come out as far as Blondie was concerned; this morning she flashed them at me lecturing me for being gone overnight several times since meeting Harley. She used 'security' (of my business and home) as her playing card for why I need to stay home and that led into how she thinks this Harley thing is 'too fast'.

I told her I wasn't going to be imprisoned any longer; I'd served many years of that taking care of Cutty and this 'was my time'.

As for Harley, well, what can I say about a guy who doesn't want me to be his caretaker, cook, housekeeper or bottle washer? He has a housekeeper and as for cooking says there are plenty of restaurants around. He just wants me with him and wants to take care of me. That can't be bad for me, can it?

So on I go, trying to make good choices with food and life. Just checking in and letting y'all know I'm still alive and kicking.


22 January 2015

Thank you all so much for the messages, reminders and encouragement. I apologize for leaving for so long and will confess right now I'm not going to try to catch up on the 189 unread notifications. I just can't. But I know you know that does NOT mean I don't love and care about you all. It just means, much like food and everything else in life, I need to do what I can do and not be so worried about the rest. I trust my friends will understand. Or as the old saying goes: those who matter won't mind.. those who mind don't matter.

Eating .. a little better and then a trip... I can't seem to go a full day and record my food diary nor journal but I am 'mostly' aware of being mindful. I have realized I lose all perspective when beer is involved... so next Trivia night at the Pub I will order 'water and the skinny girl platter' instead of beer and nachos. Yes, I will. As I wrote on my little kitchen affirmation today: I deserve health and happiness and will pursue it by treating my body, mind and soul well. I need nutrition and nurturing.

BTW - Trivia night - we are in Second Place of the six week tournament. Our team is Yoga and me but Blondie joined us Monday night. The prize is a night in a hotel that offers 'Tree House' rooms. MY idea of roughing it is when the suite doesn't have a mini-bar or a valet laundry service so WHEN we win (positive thinking, by golly) I'll give the prize to the grandson's or something. I'm just competing out of pride for now.

My absence was not based on depression over the photo's or anything else. Things have just been crazy busy in BellaWood and I was hesitant to record too much based on the superstition of 'jinxing' things. I promoted a vendor fair downtown this weekend - only had about 15 tables but not bad and they all told me they enjoyed it very much and want to do it again. So that, the promoting and last minute organizing took up a lot of my time. I was doing well with eating at the Fair - until I fell into the donut box. Gah. I think 4-5 donuts. So next fair - I'll have someone pick up a fruit & veggie tray instead. It begins with me, right?

The past two days/nights have been fairly mindful with eating. I've met someone (yep... finally) who is like me - could stand to lose a few pounds but not hung up on it. He's more about the philosophy of health than size and it's helping to have a shared commonality. He's very nice as well, wants to treat me like a princess, and protect me. My heart and head are in a constant battle of emotions vs logic.... the brain continues too say 'this is so fast.. it's too fast' and my heart says 'listen to only the first half of that an enjoy it.' Regardless, meanwhile, it's nice to dine with someone who TRIES to keep the meals light and healthy but not a fanatic about it.

Exercise - just my usual taking care of things. I have a trade show this weekend so I'll be lifting, packing, walking and standing. Raining here today, so .. darn, can't go for a jog. Haha. The 'guy' - belongs to a gym and works on the elliptical and wants me to go with him. That would be nice ~ a workout buddy. I made it to yoga last week after missing about a month; it kicked my butt. Another class tonight. Hopefully I'll do better but am being kind enough to myself to accept that just showing up means a lot.

So that's the update on my absence. I won't promise to be here every day; I'd rather admit my limitations than break promises. Thank you for stopping by and visiting with me and accepting me. I was thinking as I wrote this ' I was so busy w/Cutty for so long and I still managed to be here daily, sometimes twice a day, what happened?'

I guess it's because I'm not just sitting at my laptop in between taking care of him. I'm out, and about. I have built up a pretty decent 'event' schedule to the point I have to choose. For example - this guy, I met him online and he wanted to meet me for dinner. I told him I 'was already busy that night - going to the auction - but if he wanted to meet me 'there' they do have a pretty decent BBQ sandwich at the snack bar'. And.. he did. Afterward.. he wanted to go somewhere else & get coffee. I told him to get some cake & coffee at the snack bar and visit with me.. but that I was waiting for a seat at the poker table. He accepted all that and still likes me. It's kind of nice running my own life.


08 January 2015

Gah - so much for rededicating myself to journaling here daily. I’d compose but get sidetracked at posting time - but that means little or as the old saying goes ‘In God we Trust… everyone else must document’. I’m also failing at the calorie recording BUT … and I say this with much happiness, pride and every other synonym for ‘git ‘er done’... I got thru one whole day of healthy eating without a simple carb or candy. Yay me. That’s the first day in a loooong time. I’ll take it.

I decided yesterday to go back to basics - my basics - if for nothing else, a little jump start. Meaning not eating if I wasn’t hungry and then having a good old fashioned 10 gallon kitchen sink salad for dinner. I was a little dismayed to ponder on how long it’s been since I had a fresh salad but the craving for one hasn’t been there. I was so very delighted it returned. I probably ate more ‘quantity’ than necessary but my goal right now is to enjoy the ‘full feeling’ without it being calorically damaging. I’ll decrease the quantity in a few days.

For now, I just want to get through day ‘2’ without any slips, stupid rationalizations or binges. I think my ‘rock bottom’ on Tuesday was having a large order of steak fries with four servings of tartar sauce for dinner, a huge chocolate iced brownie at the auction and rounded off with baking a can of those pillsbury grands at midnight and consuming half a cheese log until they baked enough to have two with peanut butter and jelly.

Then I received an email with photos from my speech at the Kiwanis luncheon and … well.. was not happy with the direction I was heading. I’d already endured a fitful night of self disappointment and regret on what I’ve done to myself this past year; the photographic evidence was harsh. Of course, the photographer was partially to blame as he was sitting (and shooting me from below) so .. yay.. nice angle for that double chin buddy, thanks.

So it’s not all about appearance - it’s health too, physically AND mentally. I recognize I felt as if I’d given up. I felt so much better last night lingering contentedly in the fresh produce aisle and just said another prayer (one of many I’ll say throughout the day) that I can get through another day with this devotion to restoring my health.

Glad to be back. Thank you for visiting with me.

05 January 2015

Monday aka Must Find a Better Way Day.

Yesterday was going well with all things food until I did that thing I do lately which is get in a cooking mood but then eat it.

I wanted to make good old fashioned mac & cheese with bacon and five different cheeses and etc. I think the whole process of it was my original intent. Other than soup, I haven’t been ‘cooking’ much this past week. I was enjoying the grating of the cheeses, frying the bacon, and all of the steps. It made me feel… valid? Does that make sense?

Once it was prepared I used the time it was baking in the oven to be productive (laundry, dishes, tidying) and noted I felt … again… struggling for the word to define the emotion.. complete?

Now I realize writing this .. and as I often say, this is why I journal - it helps me work through the process of what’s going on with me .. I think it was a case of underlying emotions. I finally did decide to try an online dating service; it helped me better define ‘myself’ and what it is I am really seeking. And yes, I’ve been cautious. Maybe too cautious if there is such a thing.

It’s helped because I am recognizing I still feel lost not being a ‘wife’. After all, that was my identity for 25 years. Being ‘single’ still feels like I’m wearing a garment that doesn’t fit. I did have one date and I recognized about ten minutes in all I wanted to do was leave. I must not be ready for this yet.

So the M&C - it took me back to being Cutty’s wife. Cooking for someone. Knowing the time and care I took would be appreciated. And then there was no one here nor anyone answering next door (B’s crew) to take it off my hands. In retrospect there could have been the freezer or trashbin; after all, it was merely the preparation I was enjoying. But no, I ate it.

I did realize I was so much more comfortable at the poker game than I was on the date. The group setting is probably a better fit for me right now. Hence the reason I’m considering the square dance lessons although the instructor said it’s mostly single women and only one married man who’s wife will share now and then for a partner. Obviously (reading what I just wrote) I do want to ‘date’ just not one on one; I want to group date. Well, that sounds kinky but if you’re still reading you understand.

I think it’s why I like going to the auction - room full of people, well lit, etc., random conversations but no expectations at the end of the evening (other than to pay for my stuff and get it out of there).

Then again, maybe it was just ‘he’ wasn’t the guy. This is beginning to be an hour by hour process for me. Just one I need to get through without Mac-N-Cheese.

Here’s to another day to get it right or at least do better.


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