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18 July 2014

Happy Friday my Friends. I appreciate the PM's and questions, I'm doing okay but have been releasing my thoughts in the comments on everyone else's journals so I haven't felt anything original to add to my own. Then again, brilliance could strike later so don't give up on me yet. For now I'm remembering the words spoken and written to me countless times:



For now, I'll just share I'm doing okay, rethinking some of my eating patterns and getting thru the days. As for the funk I was feeling earlier this week.. I saw this and it sort of answered the questions:




I had an interesting experience with a hummingbird yesterday ~ it was dining on the flowers next to the back of the house so it came within inches of me when I opened the back door and hovered. It came from the same direction as Cutty's chair. Yes, I had to wonder if he'd been reincarnated as his favorite bird. It was touching, sentimental and a little emotional.

That's really all for now. So as I'm known for my long-winded journals I'll fall back on the 'a pic is worth a thousand words' and let some of these that have inspired or amused me lately do the talking.

Have a wonderful day.

Bells

Would love this for my shop:




How I've felt most of this week:












And thoughts that are reminding me of the important things in life:












14 July 2014

Just like the sun rising in the east, Monday arrives again. Sorta Sister woke me with a phone call this morning. I may have to shift some hours in the shop and unplug the phone because she had the nerve to phone at 8:30! Who in the world phones that early!

Kidding about that; I've just had the trifecta of crappy sleeping and had probably finally settled to slumber about 2 hours before. I don't know what's going on; I'm doing all the things I know to do. So today, again, I feel hungover but at least not a Grands Cinnamon Roll induced food coma.

However, I did log 5 miles this weekend with two sessions on the treadmill. ON A WEEKEND no less! And on top of that I walked the Ikea with Grace on Saturday for over three hours wearing four inch heels so that was quite a workout on the creaky old knees.

I've gained weight. I won't step on the scale to make my thoughts about it worse by seeing an arbitrary number. I know it from the way my clothes are fitting so I'm back to recording food for a while and see what's going on. Of course, this decision arrived the same weekend BCF brought me 'chocolate coated potato chips' from Florida. Seriously.

I've had a couple (and they are FABULOUS) but didn't let myself rationalize the 'go ahead, eat 'em all and get it over with' way I would have in the past. They're in the fridge and were hidden behind the spinach until I used it last night in my soup. I guess I'll hide the box behind the Apple Cider Vinegar because I'm not drinking that. It's just not working. Diluted, lemon juice added, crystal light, nothing. Nothing hides that 'blech' flavor and I will just try it in my next tub bath as I understand it's really good for that. Except, I really HATE the smell of vinegar. I'll probably just discard it.

So I'll log the extra 5lbs as the clothes are tight but still fit; I remember someone telling me each 'sizing' represented 10lbs. Give or take. I'm sure that varies when converting fat to muscle. Doesn't matter. All that matters is I am aware of it, admitting it, and addressing it now at what I feel is 5lbs instead of waiting until it become 50lbs. Doing my best to not repeat the past where I say 'hey, you can give yourself a break.. you've already lost 100lbs.. 5 won't hurt ya.'

I had one of those 'ahh, what a struggle this can be' moments Saturday while at Ikea. Grace had been SO excited to take me there and tell me it was 'an all day affair ...' and granted .. six months ago it may have been and six months from now it may be. But right now, my house, my home.. it feels 'done'. I have everything I need, my walls are covered with art accumulated from retail to yard sale to self made. I have plenty of dishes and flatware and pots. Plenty of everything.

Why can't I look at food and do that? WILL that moment come and STAY????? I've had it. I've had it cooking my meals ... probably a few months ago.. thinking 'sure, calorically I can have all of THIS and not exceed my RDI but if I do it would make me feel over full and I wouldn't enjoy the meal afterward.

Always with the food. I can 'not' buy cigarettes, liquor or candy. I can leave those things on the shelf. But I must buy and consume food to stay alive.

I think this is where one of my dear friends was a while back and I gave the newbie lecture about 'don't give up... please... listen to me.. I know of what I speak' blahditty blah blah comment on her journal.

I was new to this most recent of weight loss adventures and still had that 'spark'. I was losing weight day after day and the motivation was there. Even when I hit plateaus for a while I knew I still had weight to lose so I just gritted my teeth and hung on the wagon.

So where did this get all screwed up? I reread my initial profile (as reminded by someone recently) and yeah, I did right 'it may take longer to do this right' and ... well.. it IS taking longer. And I need to not head back in the opposite direction because of a one year stall while I'm trying to keep my wits about me with everything else going on.

But where I am right now, what brought up the memory of my naive comment that time was my friend had commented she was sick of thinking about food. This was when I was just rediscovering 'real food' and how much better it tasted without the chemicals of processed food numbing my taste buds.

But today... yeah... I would really like to just go on one of those '3 shakes a day' type eating regimes for a month. Hold the lectures, please. I'm just tired of thinking about it. I would love to know that every shake I drink has the important protein and nutrients I need. And just enjoy water (and coffee of course) in between. No more thought. No need to resist any thing or measure or wonder. No need to think about 'am I hungry, what am I hungry for, and what do I have?' Just add water and stir.

I think that's why I always find myself hypnotized by the Joe Cross juicing movie esp when he juiced a basket full of veggies into one glass. All those vitamins without the 'stuffing'. Would I feel better? Worse? Different?

I was thinking about this yesterday while out with BCF. She was driving (a very much enjoyed rarity for me) and I was able to just sit, feel, and stare out the window. I began thinking of how I feel 'in limbo' right now. I try to HARD to LOVE my day, every day, and I do ... I do I do I do pray gratitude for my life, for all that I'm given. But I feel purposeless.

Yes, I cast about for ideas. Things I COULD be doing. I try to amuse and occupy my mind and body and it reacts with all the enthusiasm of a recalcitrant child. "Nah.. no.. I'm bored.. no I don't want THAT... uh uh.. what else ya got?'

I think food and eating and planning and shopping and cooking and slicing and chewing gets all churned into that. I feel stuck. When I reread my journals... I realize I'm anything 'but' stuck. But day to day .. it fees.. surreal and like my feet are in mud. You either recognize the same feeling or not.

I'm even lost here so I'll shut up now. Thank you for visiting with me.

Bella


Weigh-in: 185.0 lb lost so far: 100.0 lb still to go: 5.0 lb Diet followed 100%
   (14 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   gaining 5.8 lb a week

11 July 2014

Wow - I think we all had a tough week or something because every single journal referenced a TGIF. No exception here.

The good news is Mushy and I both slept thru the night, finally. So this is how the 'Non' Walking Dead feel? Hmm.. Feels a little hungover.

If you're wondering, no, I didn't have wine last night. I think this is the lingering effects of a food coma. I think the depleted energy wiped out my resolve and I fell face down into fried chicken, potato logs, potato salad, two cookies and an entire pan (5) grands cinnamon rolls with creme cheese frosting. Yeah. An. Entire. Pan.

The only proud thing I have to report about that is I don't have to restart the clock on my past 'binge & purge' habit. I did the binge but I sat with it. Slept with it. While that doesn't help my weight loss.. at least I feel a little better knowing I'm not giving into my old bad eating disorder habits.

And ironic, as I know that 1550 calories in one setting (pan of rolls) was too much to eat in calories it didn't make my stomach hurt, feel overly full, none of that.

I'll confess... that part.. alarmed me. So much so that I began considering the semantics of this whole thing.

I recall there is post out there about the 'thin me vs fat me' and some people used 'healthy me vs unhealthy me' in their answers and others even wrote 'new me vs old me'.

Thinking about that.. I feel I may be RIGHTONTHEEDGE of breaking thru this phase of my weight loss that has been my downfall over and over again in the past.

So the following is the conversation I had in my head this morning and am now going to work thru in my journal. The questions are rhetorical.. just my exercise process.




New me vs Old me. When does the new me BECOME the OLD me and now I want to do something new, different, etc., and that leads to going in the opposite direction??

Because, I Can't eat LESS..on a good day that is, of course. YES, I have to eat less than I did yesterday, no argument.

I read over and over here about people dropping their caloric intake to less and less to get off that last 10 pounds. I know that won't work for me. History.

Why of all things, of all reasons, did I do that? I can't undo it. All I can do, as one of my lesson's this week instructed, is examine the mistake and learn from it.

WHY am I now thinking the 'old' me was the healthy one and the 'new' me is the one that picks up fried chicken at the grocery deli? Is this how I stretch... LOL... both emotionally AND physically?

Okay, I remember this. Back in the B&P phase of my weight loss.. when I'd get so hungry I'd go OUT in public and EAT like.. a triple cheese burger, fries, a whole pizza, etc., and have people wonder about how I ate that much and was still So THIN ... or at least.. I HOPED that's what they thought... while I slipped off to the bathroom and puked my guts out.. that was my maintenance.

I can't do that again. I don't WANT to do that again. But I wonder if that's what my 'other brain' was testing me last night?

Then again.. I've been HERE too. This part where as the weight came back I'd joke 'I'm bulimic.. I'm just not very good at it...' Sick joke. But eating disorders are a sickness like any other alcoholism, gambling, etc., so I I qualify. And like any other person in recovery, I have earned the right to laugh at myself.

So... spinning the history wheel.. feels like wheel of fortune and I'm clapping 'big breakthru, big breakthru'... where am I going to end up?

Old me? New me? Healthy? Overweight? Happy? Disappointed?

Where will I find my spark?

I will NOT set my eating rules on FEAR of gaining weight... that is definitely a recipe for disaster.

I nearly climbed on the treadmill this morning in punishment for the rolls. 'Well, B... you did the crime, now do the time.' But I am so TRYING to find the JOY in movement, not the obligation of it.

I know, this is long. It's rambling. But I feel I am on the edge of breaking thru my trap, my prison that has held me for four decades. Gain and lose. Binge and purge. Gain and health suffers. Lose and maintain my health. Where's the answer?

I read. Listen. Real people here...journals.. advice. I soak up every ounce of inspiration I can find.

It has to come from me. This is the phase that I am most dangerous. I KNOW THIS.

It's really SAD for me that losing weight has always been so easy. IT's keeping it OFF that I fail.

A dear friend here recently shared an experience wherein someone shared with her that ' there is nothing harder than for a narcissistic woman to age. People who are outwardly beautiful have to work extremely hard not to be a face and a body and nothing more. You have to spend your life learning to be a person and not to use your beauty. It has to become your handicap, your disability, or you will use it like a crutch'.

Ok. Translate beauty to narcissism about weight loss. I've always been able to drop 100lbs w/in a few months. It makes me the center of attention to be such a big loser. But it has become my crutch.

I need to be something more than the woman who lost all that weight. That's my inspiration.

I need to become 'that woman who lost that weight, regained her health, and maintained it thru everything else.'

Weight... can't be my crutch.

Or .. my armor.

I have been struggling in another way this week.. and I am going to stop hiding from it by putting it out here to the universe.

I felt pressure. Pressure from someone who's implying they want intimacy. I'm not ready for it. But I've never been the person to say that. A victim since childhood.... I've never been skilled at saying 'NO MEANS NO'.

I've been indirect. I've been using words like 'honor' and 'integrity'. I've said 'I'm still grieving despite my positive exterior'. Now I just have to say it. Outloud. No means No.

And I'm really pretty freaking angry at being put in that position. Of not being heard. Of having to be so blunt at a time when I prefer to be polite.

So.. the 'new/old' me.. the struggle.. the uneasiness of my body .. .and I had the perfect storm.

STILL.. not one to be dealt with using food. No. Where were the paints? The flowers? Anything but food.

Oh, yeah.. the new me used all those up. The new me became the old me and needed a new go to.

I feel refreshed with this journal. I feel clearer because I do not have a therapist to say these things outloud although sometimes I agree, it would probably help.

And as another dear friend here implied.. I am a nervous person who cherishes the anonymity offered here. I get it out and don't have to see that person who heard all of this .. at the grocery.

Then again, maybe I do. I don't know where all of you are. And maybe I need to remember that.

Once a secret is out.. the pressure is off. Maybe I'll just take out a front page ad in the local paper.. say 'I need HELP' .. and let the chips fall where they may. After all .. all these secrets haven't helped in the past.

The new me. Who will she be today?

Thank you.
Bella

10 July 2014

Thursday - late journal as I attempt to keep today's theme consistent: a day late and a dollar short. Not near enough sleep last night. No treadmill this morning. Not enough sales to keep me in manner to which I fantasize living, LOL.

So I've just been head down getting the quarterly taxes done in between my soul sucking clients today. God bless 'em. They all think they're smarter than me and getting away with lying to me. Maybe that's what that Palm Reader meant when she said she see's me working with teenagers. It all makes sense now.

No big deal ~ just weary. I will out the 'open' sign here soon, go pick up some turnip greens to satisfy this three day craving, and try to get to bed early. Maybe Mushy and I will both get the rest we need; poor baby had a bad seizure last night.

Color me lazy today but this person seems to have the right idea on how to use that exercise ball. I've so been meaning to get one based on many journals here. Now, I'm truly inspired.

Have a good 'un.

Bells



09 July 2014

So Wednesday, we meet again. The child in me wants to remind you you're nowhere near as cool as Friday and only slightly better than Monday. But the adult in me refrains and acknowledges at the very least you arrive on Massage day. Extra credit. Well played.

Yes, I'm in a ridiculously silly mood today. Punch drunk from lack of sleep. I crawled out of bed this morning aware that I was having pain on my right rib cage and slightly nauseous. So what did I do?

I climbed on the Treadmill, by golly. Yup, Philly, you can breathe easier knowing you get over a mile from me today. I didn't let my subconscious whiny wimpy body talk me out of working on #24 of the exercises mentioned in my journal yesterday. Such a timely 'drawing' from the box for this one.

Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.


So while I don't dream of being the Queen of Exercise I did make a commitment to Yo's challenge and consider it a blessing I don't need a thousand miles.

Then again, I may. As I shared with 2MC - this was likely mine from back in the day. Too bad you don't want to go to Law School instead. There's beer and I am platinum level when it comes to endless arguing. I didn't earn the label 'Bella the Bulldog' for nothing. But I suck at math. Ironic too as I held the title of Math Queen for 26 weeks straight in the Second grade. I guess I peaked too early.



Yesterday during the mani-pedi I'm trying to make a weekly ritual for taking care of myself the pedicurist commented 'you must exercise every day'. Now, that was a QUESTION not a command. LOL. She was referring to my very muscular legs. You know that part where they pound on the calves like a massage and all around the room it sounds like 'whap, whap, whap' on the other ladies legs? On mine it sounds like hitting tree trunks. "whump".

But I did think about the inflection of the sentence later. A little more emphasis on 'must' and it could have been the universe talking to me. And the pain this morning was it challenging if I planned to stick to my goals.



I really don't think exercise is my calling. This would be me in a marathon. This and the promise of the TShirt.



Yesterday someone here PM'd me and asked for help deciding what to eat. I probably didn't give the best answer and apologize because if you've known me for very long or managed to last thru a few of my journals you know I try to be mindful and eat what I love but love what I eat. And that doesn't mean subsiding on anything limiting or depriving.

In fact, these cartoons cracked me up ... because it's as if they read my mind. So I'm the last person to try to tell someone exactly how many grams of anything they should try to achieve or restrict.

And with that I mean protein, etc., not the other type of grams. Seriously, between money laundering tips on DK's journal and gram talk here, I'm going to acquire a whole new reading audience at the DEA/FBI and any other alpha soup of folks wondering what I'm up to.

See.. even when I talk law.. there's food involved. Soup anyone?










Totally kidding on the last one. I had a fabulous kitchen sink salad last night. KSS is when I take fresh spinach and add every other delightful thing I can find. Last night included yellow squash, zucchini, tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, onions, pickles, and chicken breast. Fresh apple for bedtime snack.

The one thing I do want to ask my 'treadmill' buddies who may still be here (let me begin by blessing and thanking you for your dedication and patience) is: does your abdomen swell during and after your workouts? Or do I need to concentrate on my breathing?

I know, yesterday I was asking about speed (walking, not the drugs.. back off ) and today swelling. I'm just wondering. Because at the end of a session.. I kind of look like this:



Wrapping up. Thank you for staying through to the end and visiting with me. Thank you even for skipping around. Hope you enjoyed the cartoons ~ they made me laugh at during my sleeplessness.

Especially this one... I decided to hold off on it until I had a couple of cups of coffee under my belt and revisit.



Yeah, it still cracks me up.

Have a great day.

Bella

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