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22 July 2014

OMG...the whiny FS reminder wants me to WEIGH IN NOW and I better do it before it implodes. I have NO idea how to calculate my miles for Yo's 75/31 challenge so ...I guess I'll just... lie. Like I lie on my weigh in. And about my age. Good Grief - what kind of role model AM I? It's a miracle my capris aren't on fire.

So my oldest Grandson is 17 today ~ we went out to dinner last night and I realize I am really old because I prefer to believe him rather than question if I'm 'getting played'.

I'd given him the option between 1) I pay for half of the car he rec'd on his BD (because I do believe he should pay the other half and learn SOME financial responsibility) or 2) we take that long awaited road trip, just us, to tour the Houston Space Center.

He chose the latter. Seriously. Color me shocked. So I'm worth more than half a car. Naturally my Nana heart melted and he's getting both.

Then he cracked me up.. but I just nodded and listened w/the straightest face I could manage. There's a 'fella' stopping into my shop and calling me 'Darlin'.

The first time he did it I stalled for a second and smiled; Cutty used to call me that. But I didn't say 'that'. I just said 'it's been a while since anyone called me that.' His response was 'well, you're not hanging around the right people'.

Now he makes it a point to call me Darlin' several times when he comes in and he's making up reasons to stop by. He came in yesterday when the youngest Gson was here and of course.. that news got around FAST.

So the oldest decided to advise me ever so wisely last night by saying, "Nana.. a lot of guys these days just wanna hit it & quit it... be careful..."

Kids these day, huh?

So this morning... Mr D brought me a whole package of adding machine tape. It wasn't new ~ but he said 'I noticed you were using that machine the other day and thought you could use this". Isn't that ... sweet? BTW.. this one is NOT married and I think that's way nicer than something creepy like flowers or candy this early; definitely better than writing my name on the money like the skeevy married guy a few months back.

Last night ~ another not so great night of sleep but a little bit better after recovering a lost item. I hate that - when I KNOW that thing I had in my hand Friday afternoon HAS to be here. I yelled 'Gremlins.. GIVE it BACK' and I'll be darned if it wasn't in the very place I'd already looked five times when I went back for the sixth. Weird but grateful. Still, Fri-Tues seem to be my worst nights of sleep. Wed & Thu I'm in zombie mode so those are pretty good. No wonder I fight to not wish my life away; this 5/2 ratio is wearing thin.

I was enjoying my 'church' this morning now that the 'spray of death' two weeks ago calmed the chiggers down and a spider crawled up my arm and around to the back of my neck. I was kind of like:

All things food? Well, I'm tired of the MATH. So I'm just.. trying to eat healthy and planning a Keld Spike Day this weekend w/the Gson. Don't ask me why but I think there will be chocolate involved. Otherwise, I'm just going along. Trying to get some breakfast by 11am (instead of 2pm)now that I'm leaving the coconut oil out of my coffee and hoping I can get some of my 'miles' in this week so Philly doesn't have to do them all.

I emailed Grace - she'd asked me to save water bottles for some VBS craft she's doing this week, so I did, which adds up pretty fast as I drink about 6-8 pints of water a day. NOW she doesn't need them. I want to call and with the same vengeance and defense of 'I threw my Pie for You' say, "Hey, I recycled for you, now come get these darn things!' It's a bit daunting staring at that bag of plastic piling up. Also amazing to reflect I used to drink this many soda's in a day... or more. Wow.

On the other hand .. I think I'm on my way to making THIS ... and I'll need it...

Because it looks here like I need a bigger boat...

And I know all of this isn't coming in this winter ... I wouldn't have any room to walk!

Anyway .. that's my day. I'm thinking about going to a good ole fashioned 'country auction' tonight. Have some fun competively bidding against people I don't know for things I don't need. I may take my badminton racket in case things get out of control :-)

Thanks for stopping by and visiting with me. Hope you're having a wonderful day in your world.


Weigh-in: 185.0 lb lost so far: 100.0 lb still to go: 5.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (9 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   steady weight

21 July 2014

And another work week begins. I started my day by smiling and appreciating my life. I think I made a small connection there that sometimes I feel guilt - probably survivors guilt - that I can feel happy even without Cutty. That’s usually followed by anger that he should be here, healthy and happy with me, for this phase of our lives. But he isn’t.

So for me to be respectful of the universe and it’s plans for me it’s best that I use the rest of my time productively rather than wallowing in regret and resentment. So instead I’ll:

The birthday party Saturday was Fun. Yes, I actually wrote that: Fun. Although it was the typical Blondie ‘party starts at 3pm but they didn’t even get the burgers on the grill until 5pm resulting in a couple of people making comments to ‘me’ I just brushed it off and played badminton. Yes, badminton.

I haven’t played that game since I was about 13 and it seemed so much slower back then. I used to say it was like tennis on quaaludes. It seems much faster now that I am so much older and slower myself, LOL. However, I got some decent respect when I actually ‘dove’ for the birdie and bounced several feet across the grass.

It was a reaffirmation of how ‘old’ other’s perceive me to be because I think they all feared I broke my hip. So naturally I had to stand up, shake it off, and fight to not limp.

I was feeling like this:

While they are more accustomed to me being like this:

I really had fun (did I just use the F word TWICE?) trying to be all ‘athletic’ … what I lacked in physical I made up for in comical doing the ‘sports growl’. Caddy and I even ‘chest bumped’ a couple of times. Folks were staring at ‘Nana’ as if she’d lost her mind. Oh well, it’ll make for a good defense if I need to plead insanity to something later, LOL.

All is well. I played about two hours so I’m going to do my own ‘activity to miles’ conversion for the 75/30 challenge and log 10 miles on that, LOL. I believe bouncing across the field is an automatic 5 miles. Yes, Philly, you get half my dear CS.

Food? I did have a little of everything but I did it slow and mindfully. Well, as mindful as you can be with burgers & hot dogs and watermelon.

Oh, and I consider this a huge NSV (non scale victory) that I had to circle the grocery store three times to find the ‘chips & snack’ aisle. I was in charge of bringing the ‘cake, buns & chips’ and it’s been so long since I bought chips … well, color me proud I had no idea where they were stocked.

Yesterday was what my Grandmother would have described as ‘puttering around’. The weather continued to be unseasonably cool so the doors and windows were open while I just meandered doing little jobs inside and out.

So that’s about it. Time to face the day. Hope you all face a good one in your world too. Thanks for stopping to visit with me.


19 July 2014

Saturday morning. No get-away adventures planned for this weekend .. emphasis on the ‘planned’, LOL. Leaving myself open to spontaneity. Blondie is having a birthday party for the oldest Grandson at the park today; I’m picking up the cake and a few of the food items and will stay for a while. It’s been wonderfully unseasonably cool this week with a high expected of only mid-80’s.

Hamburgers, hot dogs, and chips, oh my. I’ve managed to get a healthy week of food under my tightened belt and here I go to face the gauntlet of mindful eating. Ahh well. Plenty of water. Pause. Think. And go grab a badminton racket instead of the potato salad whenever the urge to munch hits, right?

The past couple of mornings I’ve skipped the coconut oil and butter in my coffee, aka ‘un-bulletproofing myself’ and have noticed I AM actually hungry. So conclusions?

One - that stuff really works for me BUT what’s the trade-off? Because TWO - what else could I be eating that will provide me a bit different and better nourishment for a while to shake up this body from it’s ‘rut’.

Sure, it’s great if I don’t have the time for breakfast. But I do (have the time). In fact, I’d been reflecting on how I’d like to make a Saturday morning ritual of walking down to the local diner for breakfast but of course, not being hungry thanks to the coffee the ritual remained shelved and unlaunched.

That seems like a good thing (skipping breakfast) but I’m wanting to feed my soul as much as my body via interaction and socializing with people. It grows far too easy to curl up in my recliner with Mushy and ignore the world.

I am pleased to be content with myself; it is a wonderful feeling. I’m just aware that I have things I want to do although I don’t know what they are as of yet. Quiet reflection here hasn’t yielded the answer nor has escaping to adventures unknown. Maybe the answer is local and will be discovered over a plate of scrambled eggs?

But back to the bulletproof coffee. I was wondering exactly what that does to the Pie Chart on the RDI food diary. Interesting that it generates a negative 3% carbohydrate percentage and totally baffles the chart graphic; guess it can’t give a negative green slice. I was intrigued on how those two items combine to create a negative carb percentage and deleted the butter; negative 5% carbs. I can’t figure out how to grab a shot of it here so you’ll have to take my word for it or play with your own food diary using a tablespoon of unsalted butter & coconut oil on an empty diary to see if it yields the same results for you.

Which made me think about a couple of things. Yay, high fat content creates a negative carb effect. Good. And it’s considered good fat and has helped lower my cholesterol. Good.

But zero protein. I read about trying to achieve a high protein percentage on a lot of journals. I also read recently that the ideal protein ratio to create a ‘fat burning’ effect is 35% of one’s daily intake. I have trouble achieving that especially by skipping breakfast because of the bulletproof coffee. And this has been my general practice for several months; months that include not only a stalled weight loss but one that’s packed on a few pounds.

So I think for a while I will either skip the coconut oil or save it for my bedtime coffee. I enjoy the taste of it. I just don’t want to have to force eat breakfast when not hungry but I feel I need to get the ratios and it’s apparent it’s played a part in stalling my weight loss. Perhaps it’s just as simple as not enough protein. And perhaps a better mix of fat & protein first thing in the morning will give my metabolism a little wake up call.

I feel good about this thought process and apologize for the length of it. Bless anyone who’s stayed with my journal through all of this - not only this journal but this journey in general. I am trying, constantly, to find the answer and make peace with myself and body. I try to follow my intuition and explore; remember the past and adapt for the present. I don’t have the metabolism I did ten or twenty years ago. Nor am I attempting to slide into size two jeans.

I just do not want to regain all of the weight, yet again. So at this point, this estimate 5lb gain due to the way the jeans were too tight.. I am addressing things now. Reassessing what I’m doing, what I’ve been doing, and trying to modify it slightly.

I feel good about it because with my eating disorder my usual SOP is to just .. starve it off now. Yep. That’s how I would have done it in the past. Nothing but water, coffee and maybe a can of sauerkraut or turnip greens for the day. And hungry. An unhealthy. Yep, I’d get it off. But I’d gain it all back.

One day at a time. That’s all I can handle. If I don’t get it perfect today, then, that’s why they created ‘tomorrows’. Until I run out of those, I just keep trying.


You're Still Here???

Great! But I need to go now.


18 July 2014

Happy Friday my Friends. I appreciate the PM's and questions, I'm doing okay but have been releasing my thoughts in the comments on everyone else's journals so I haven't felt anything original to add to my own. Then again, brilliance could strike later so don't give up on me yet. For now I'm remembering the words spoken and written to me countless times:

For now, I'll just share I'm doing okay, rethinking some of my eating patterns and getting thru the days. As for the funk I was feeling earlier this week.. I saw this and it sort of answered the questions:

I had an interesting experience with a hummingbird yesterday ~ it was dining on the flowers next to the back of the house so it came within inches of me when I opened the back door and hovered. It came from the same direction as Cutty's chair. Yes, I had to wonder if he'd been reincarnated as his favorite bird. It was touching, sentimental and a little emotional.

That's really all for now. So as I'm known for my long-winded journals I'll fall back on the 'a pic is worth a thousand words' and let some of these that have inspired or amused me lately do the talking.

Have a wonderful day.


Would love this for my shop:

How I've felt most of this week:

And thoughts that are reminding me of the important things in life:

14 July 2014

Just like the sun rising in the east, Monday arrives again. Sorta Sister woke me with a phone call this morning. I may have to shift some hours in the shop and unplug the phone because she had the nerve to phone at 8:30! Who in the world phones that early!

Kidding about that; I've just had the trifecta of crappy sleeping and had probably finally settled to slumber about 2 hours before. I don't know what's going on; I'm doing all the things I know to do. So today, again, I feel hungover but at least not a Grands Cinnamon Roll induced food coma.

However, I did log 5 miles this weekend with two sessions on the treadmill. ON A WEEKEND no less! And on top of that I walked the Ikea with Grace on Saturday for over three hours wearing four inch heels so that was quite a workout on the creaky old knees.

I've gained weight. I won't step on the scale to make my thoughts about it worse by seeing an arbitrary number. I know it from the way my clothes are fitting so I'm back to recording food for a while and see what's going on. Of course, this decision arrived the same weekend BCF brought me 'chocolate coated potato chips' from Florida. Seriously.

I've had a couple (and they are FABULOUS) but didn't let myself rationalize the 'go ahead, eat 'em all and get it over with' way I would have in the past. They're in the fridge and were hidden behind the spinach until I used it last night in my soup. I guess I'll hide the box behind the Apple Cider Vinegar because I'm not drinking that. It's just not working. Diluted, lemon juice added, crystal light, nothing. Nothing hides that 'blech' flavor and I will just try it in my next tub bath as I understand it's really good for that. Except, I really HATE the smell of vinegar. I'll probably just discard it.

So I'll log the extra 5lbs as the clothes are tight but still fit; I remember someone telling me each 'sizing' represented 10lbs. Give or take. I'm sure that varies when converting fat to muscle. Doesn't matter. All that matters is I am aware of it, admitting it, and addressing it now at what I feel is 5lbs instead of waiting until it become 50lbs. Doing my best to not repeat the past where I say 'hey, you can give yourself a break.. you've already lost 100lbs.. 5 won't hurt ya.'

I had one of those 'ahh, what a struggle this can be' moments Saturday while at Ikea. Grace had been SO excited to take me there and tell me it was 'an all day affair ...' and granted .. six months ago it may have been and six months from now it may be. But right now, my house, my home.. it feels 'done'. I have everything I need, my walls are covered with art accumulated from retail to yard sale to self made. I have plenty of dishes and flatware and pots. Plenty of everything.

Why can't I look at food and do that? WILL that moment come and STAY????? I've had it. I've had it cooking my meals ... probably a few months ago.. thinking 'sure, calorically I can have all of THIS and not exceed my RDI but if I do it would make me feel over full and I wouldn't enjoy the meal afterward.

Always with the food. I can 'not' buy cigarettes, liquor or candy. I can leave those things on the shelf. But I must buy and consume food to stay alive.

I think this is where one of my dear friends was a while back and I gave the newbie lecture about 'don't give up... please... listen to me.. I know of what I speak' blahditty blah blah comment on her journal.

I was new to this most recent of weight loss adventures and still had that 'spark'. I was losing weight day after day and the motivation was there. Even when I hit plateaus for a while I knew I still had weight to lose so I just gritted my teeth and hung on the wagon.

So where did this get all screwed up? I reread my initial profile (as reminded by someone recently) and yeah, I did right 'it may take longer to do this right' and ... well.. it IS taking longer. And I need to not head back in the opposite direction because of a one year stall while I'm trying to keep my wits about me with everything else going on.

But where I am right now, what brought up the memory of my naive comment that time was my friend had commented she was sick of thinking about food. This was when I was just rediscovering 'real food' and how much better it tasted without the chemicals of processed food numbing my taste buds.

But today... yeah... I would really like to just go on one of those '3 shakes a day' type eating regimes for a month. Hold the lectures, please. I'm just tired of thinking about it. I would love to know that every shake I drink has the important protein and nutrients I need. And just enjoy water (and coffee of course) in between. No more thought. No need to resist any thing or measure or wonder. No need to think about 'am I hungry, what am I hungry for, and what do I have?' Just add water and stir.

I think that's why I always find myself hypnotized by the Joe Cross juicing movie esp when he juiced a basket full of veggies into one glass. All those vitamins without the 'stuffing'. Would I feel better? Worse? Different?

I was thinking about this yesterday while out with BCF. She was driving (a very much enjoyed rarity for me) and I was able to just sit, feel, and stare out the window. I began thinking of how I feel 'in limbo' right now. I try to HARD to LOVE my day, every day, and I do ... I do I do I do pray gratitude for my life, for all that I'm given. But I feel purposeless.

Yes, I cast about for ideas. Things I COULD be doing. I try to amuse and occupy my mind and body and it reacts with all the enthusiasm of a recalcitrant child. "Nah.. no.. I'm bored.. no I don't want THAT... uh uh.. what else ya got?'

I think food and eating and planning and shopping and cooking and slicing and chewing gets all churned into that. I feel stuck. When I reread my journals... I realize I'm anything 'but' stuck. But day to day .. it fees.. surreal and like my feet are in mud. You either recognize the same feeling or not.

I'm even lost here so I'll shut up now. Thank you for visiting with me.


Weigh-in: 185.0 lb lost so far: 100.0 lb still to go: 5.0 lb Diet followed 100%
   (14 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   gaining 5.8 lb a week

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