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05 August 2014

Tuesday already? I tried to write a journal yesterday but my mood was in between:



and



But today I have the time while I update a new MP3 player; the old one wouldn't hold a charge for when I needed to leave the car or home. I almost stuck my fingers in my ear at the nail salon the other day to drown out the beep bop boop of other's phones and conversations. Seriously, go chatter at the coffee shop. This should be a quiet zone!




I know.. it's just cranky old me. I was that way on the tram at the Space Center that weekend. There was an audio playing explaining things about the tour and history of space travel and a woman sitting beside me was chattering to the people in her group behind her and before I knew it I blurted 'shut up I'm trying to listen!' I think the reason I'm still sitting upright and able to type this confession is she didn't speak English. Or couldn't hear me over her own yakking. Regardless, I know it was rude of me. I'm trying.

All things Food? Not the best, but not the worst. Birthday party Saturday ~ I wasn't so disappointed in myself for eating a sloppy joe, mac-n-cheese and cake with ice cream as I was for eating when I wasn't hungry.

I'd had one of those 'on the go' days and didn't feel I could wait to eat at the party but then ate there because I felt it rude 'not to'. That evening, sweating and feeling uncomfortable from feeling overstuffed, I revisited my 'taking care of me rules' on 'when to say no'. And I'm sure that was a contributor to another sleepless night.




Sunday we (Grace, BCF, and Blondie) went to brunch at the Cheesecake Factory and, well, what can be said about dining at a place that hits 3 of the top 9 least healthy dishes on a recent survey?

Click Here to Read the Article About the 9 Worst

Blondie and I split a Monte Cristo .. thank goodness we split it as it's at least 1700 calories! Wowza, right?



I looked at that on Fitness Pal and thought 'no way' but when I started adding it up I had to admit, 'Yeah, way...' and remembered how I'd eat one all by myself years ago at Bennigans.. and that was deep fried instead of grilled. Lordy.

And we split an order of fries. Fries are my 'ice cream' and 'chocolate' lately. I can do without the sugar and sweet but bring on the carbo's I guess. Weird.

We went to see 'Menopause, the Musical' and all I can say is ... I haven't laughed that much, genuine belly laughing tears rolling down my face can't catch my breath laughter. If it ever comes near your world, GO. Do NOT let the 'musical' throw you - because I really don't like musical's myself but they set the conversations to hits from the 50's and 60's and .. well, you know what a crab I am (if not, reread the first couple of paragraphs here) and for me to give it this positive endorsement, by golly, it's just that good.



I always appreciate when you stop and visit with me and comment on my journal. Sunday was no exception. I have been reflecting on what you all shared as well. And I decided I didn't need to identify any ONE person who made me feel that bad - I would forgive them all and try to move on. With the awareness does come the opportunity to improve.



I have felt lighter and been dressing less 'constricted' the past two days. I'm going to try to stop punishing myself for not being whatever it is I think I should be, look how I should look, etc. I'm going to focus on being happy today. Mental health is just as important, actually... more important, than physical. I know they go hand in hand but when I'm in the cellar of self hate and depression.. well, it's a no brainer.



And with that, I think I'll go see how the 'tune transfer' is going. Hope you're all having a good week in your world.

Bella

03 August 2014

I feel as if I am squatting in reflection land lately. One of my dear friends here recorded the following comment on their journal recently and hit so close to home for me that I am finding myself, too, repeating it several times a day. The phrase was:

“What I do to other, I do to self.”

I catch myself so many times a day noticing overweight people and judging. Ridiculous because I am overweight. I think my mind seems to calculate ‘not near as overweight as I used to me’ and rationalizes it is justified.

It is not.

Because, if I judge others by noticing their weight and appearance, I am judging myself. And I think it’s a chicken or the egg type scenario as I m concluding for all the ‘love and forgiveness and acceptance’ I am seeking for myself, it’s obvious I am not there yet. Maybe because I am doing it to myself first, I am doing it to others to distract my consciousness from dealing with myself?

It’s not just overweight. It’s attire. Mannerisms in public. Overheard conversations. Grammer. Posture. All of it.

How I must still hate myself that I wish to project this judgment on others? Will I ever find that peace and acceptance with me that feels, naturally, ‘can’t we all just get along?’ as the initial reaction rather than at the conclusion of yet another mental exercise in recovery?

I literally grew up at the bottom of the barrel on the wrong side of the tracks. I came from what others would label ‘white trash’. I was reflecting last night at the auction, as I looked around feeling ‘superior’ it became glaringly apparent that I’m so deep in denial and unacceptance of myself it’s … overwhelming.

I recognized I like the country auction because, well, sure, it’s something to do, somewhere to go. And unlike the upscale auctions with the yield of six figure item nods from a room full of designer labels and old money, it’s casual and affordable.

But I was sensing a dull, subliminal emotion akin to a binaural beat in relaxation music. It was an ugly version of judgment and superiority.

I’m so close to connecting these dots and praying once completed I will solve the puzzle. I feel as if I’m staring at one of those rebus puzzles combined with a 3D stereogram. If I can just think about this and maybe shift my focus, I’ll discover the answer.

How bad could I have been made to feel as a child to still carry this much hatred for myself as an adult? Who do I need to remember and forgive as it’s obviously not just ‘me’; I’ve done this exercise to love and forgive myself. Over and over. But until it really sinks in… I stay on edge. Judging and forgiving. Assuming then concluding. Reminding myself for every single person I stare at with opinion and criticism there is someone likely doing the same to me.

“What I do to other, I do to self.”


Will I ever sit in a room full of people, walk thru a crowded store or stand in a group without looking around and comparing? Will I ever achieve the beauty of a flower ~ intent on being as beautiful as *I* can be without comparing myself to the others in the garden?

This is rambling but not nearly as jumbled as within my own head. At a family birthday party yesterday I ate food I’d have politely passed a year ago. Was it surrounded by people heavier than me that I felt it was okay? Why did I do that? Why does what I do have to be a reaction to my judgment of others rather than coming from within and being my own choice? Had I been in a room full of people lighter than me would I have passed on the mac and cheese? Would it have even been served?

Is it a really screwed up version of retribution? Years of self defense over my weight, imagining others judging ‘me’ because of it settled in so deep that I feel as if I’m finally on the right side of the tracks to judge as well. Yes, I know that’s not true. I’m trying to find the source.

I’ve not slept well for several nights and I know this is a contributor to my inability to solve this riddle.

I just consider myself blessed that I am recognizing it isn’t healthy and I want to do better. I pray the serenity prayer and pray for self acceptance.

Some day.

Bella




30 July 2014

I've reflected on this before but it visited me again last night. I'm referring to the scene in the movie 28 Days when the person asks about forming relationships once they've left the treatment center and are instructed to 'Get a plant. If you keep a plant alive one year, get a dog. If at the end of two years if they are both alive, you can think about having a relationship.'

Politically correct or not, I feel the same about this period of being a widow as it seems to yield a similar reaction of sobriety for me. I'm getting better about living fully in the moment rather than being distracted by the turmoil of illness that surrounded me for so many years.

I began recognizing EVERY time I sit down with food, my laptop, or a nice relaxing cup of coffee, suddenly, Mushy wants my attention. Not companionship. Not hop in the chair as she usually does. Rather, she acts like she wants to go out to potty or grabs a toy to play, etc. But when I put 'my thing' down, she'll ignore me and play with one of her chewies.

It's a power play, isn't it?

Yes, I love my dog - everyone knows that. But I am learning right now, I have to love myself more; actually, the most. And I'm struggling as I regain the 'alpha' role in this home to avoid the feeling of guilt and over compensation. Last night I decided it was time to make her wait. And ignore Sarah McLaughlin's singing in my head.

If a relationship were happening in my life, I'd probably not have noticed it. I'd have just 'dealt with' the feelings of frustrations because *I* allow it. I allow someone, something, even that little furry fluff of love, to control me. I give up the control because I ... what... don't think I can handle it? Don't want to exert it? Want someone else in charge? What's going on that I give away the very thing I eventually rage against?

No, not rage at the dog. Never. But inner rage of frustration because I can't maintain my inspiration when painting or finish a movie. Outer dialogue of blame of guilt, 'Oh sure, of course NOW you want to go out... nothing new here...' and then finally recognizing it was happening because I was allowing it.

For whatever reason, however it happened, little by little, I lost my title of Queen of Bellawood. And it's time to regain it.

So it's a good thing I have the plants and the dog right now. Reminders of how to behave and protect me. Challenges to keep things alive without letting them become my whole life or little by little kill 'me'. Finding the balance. While I do seem to have a green thumb I have had my share of garden sacrifices where I picked a flower or plant on impulse rather than read to discover it's ideal environment as well as how to plan for the perennials.

I think that's why the plant has to live a 'year' so we in recovery can experience it all four seasons. Get thru the holidays, the winters, and all of the celebrations and still have Fido and the Ficus.

Other than that ~ auction last night. I bought and absolutely love this; it just seemed to scream my name and define the me I am trying to find. This is my first furniture purchase alone.

After all, the counselor never said anything about furniture.

Hope you're having a good day in your world.

Bella





Weigh-in: 185.0 lb lost so far: 100.0 lb still to go: 5.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (9 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   steady weight

29 July 2014

Tuesday. Really don't have that much to say - just posting this to satisfy the Weigh in Now Reminder with empty data. Again.

I had a marketing idea this weekend. While I'm the last person to implement regular exercise as..



I can certainly make my share of bucks off suggesting it. This idea occurred to me this weekend when I skipped the 'posture, slimming, fat smoothing armor' for a comfortable but forgiving over shirt. I was thinking of an ad copy reading '30 minutes a day of this (insert picture of toned woman exercising) 'versus 12 hours a day of this' (insert woman in vice gripping corset).

But then I saw this when searching for photo's and decided SOME women CAN do it all. I'm just not one of them.



Because I'm more like:



All things Food - right back on track with the return from the road trip. I'm glad I can do that now instead of 'oh my, I ate an entire bag off BBQ Frito's... total fail.. pass the pizza and ice cream and clear the path to the bathroom'.

That's really all of it. A few thoughts of amusement or inspiration follow. You decide. And have a good day, now, ya hear?

Bella









Weigh-in: 185.0 lb lost so far: 100.0 lb still to go: 5.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well

28 July 2014

Monday afternoon ~ and it's been one of those adventure weekends that have to be summarized up front for the headline readers followed by details later for .. well.. myself. My journal, remember, LOL? I'm slow moving today as Mushy and I are in 'adventure recovery mode'.

Weekend Road Trip to Houston with the 17 year old Grandson to Visit the Johnson Space Center


*Easy relaxed meandering scenic trip down
*Yard sales and roadside produce stands
*An off road experience, well, 2 actually
*Grandson's first major highway driving
*Rain
*Ash spreading for Cutty
*Space Center
*Chinese Food late at night
*Ice Cream even later
*Breakfast - a first in a long time
*Sports Academy ~ shoes!
*Four hour delay and another off road adventure due to I45 turning into a parking lot
*Came home to find a Miracle of Blessing beyond belief

Starting with the last listed I don't know how, why, when, where, what or who but somehow I left the door unlocked and alarm off all weekend. Yes, it HAD to be me as no one else has a key; I changed one of the locks months ago (there are four.) This is the door to the SHOP - yes, the one I sit in all day with security cameras, personal self defense, bars on the windows and an electric locked door with a button release and a panic button hanging from my neck. This is the shop where if I'm in here on a weekend, lights off, open sign off, closed, coming in and out attending to personal items people will walk right in and ignore all of that to do business. This is the door that not only leads into my shop but on into my home behind it. Unlocked. No alarm. All weekend. I'm truly blessed. Truly, truly, mind boggling blessed beyond anything I can even comprehend right now.

I'm not sure what to do with this experience; I'm still processing it. It doesn't take long to imagine the 'oh my gosh, what if's and worst case scenarios'. I'm focusing on the 'I am so truly blessed. People who don't believe in Miracles just aren't looking for them; it doesn't take a burning bush to see one. I'm living it right now. Nothing disturbed. Nothing. I don't know if people came in, wondered if it was a trap and left. I don't know. I don't care. I just care and appreciate and prayed my gratitude all night that I am blessed. Truly, truly blessed.

And that's the biggest highlight I have to share. The rest will all be low lights from here but follow nonetheless. Thank you for stopping by to visit with me.

Bella



*Easy relaxed trip down



I may have over stated that one; the Gson drove much of the trip and many times the car was in gear but the brain wasn't. He's supposed to go for his license in 20 days; I think I need to see another trip from him before I'll feel comfortable. I know, we all did it. But we all had older folk behind us saying the same. This was a quote from one of the Apollo missions but reminds me of being in the car with him driving.



*Yard sales and roadside produce stands

Ever spent all day with your mouth watering as you look forward to enjoying that 'fresh, organic grown candy-sweet' cantaloupe purchased at the produce stand only to find yourself wondering 'how in the heck and why was it so salty?' Well, I did. Too weird. Salty? Like vinegar? Weird. Very little yard sale haul, a small photo album and an inspiration frame.

*An off road experience; actually two

Some how we got off track; and yes, I was driving. It was the last of the yard sale adventuring for me as we spent a good hour on these types of roads trying to get back to black-top. Apparently I need to stop messing with Tom Tom because I swear when advised 'route includes unpaved roads' I answered NO!



*Grandson's first major highway driving
I-45 southbound into Houston at 2pm; even HE finally turned the music down so he could concentrate. Then again, that was probably me. This was after nearly side swiping a car. I'm asking Blondie to have his depth perception checked. Even Mushy didn't mind being in the back seat this time.



*Rain
I swear, the Farmer's Coalition of Houston should send me a check and recruit me to visit. I've NEVER .. repeat.. NEVER been to Houston that it DIDN'T rain! And I've been there many, many times. I couldn't even surprise visit one of my remote employee's there... she'd say 'Bells, I knew you were coming when it started raining...'

*Ash spreading for Cutty
Saturday being the 26th I had ashes in the bag with me. I planned on making the little trip into Galveston to let him float on the Gulf of Mexico at Sunset but by the time we finished the tour at the space center, etc., I was wiped out. So I found a nice little palm tree and said a few words there. I'd already had a total goose bump producing moment when I somehow hooked my finger in the necklace holding his wedding ring and broke it... I had to pull the car over and find the ring.. I couldn't even think! What a weird weekend of 'signals from the universe'.

*Space Center
When I phoned the ticket person said 'oh, you can see EVERYthing in about 4 hours'. Wrong. There are several films, three tram tours, many exhibits, and more. This to fully experience would take about two days; especially as there are a few little 'amusements' like walking on Mars simulation and jumping from a second floor level thins that made it seem like Six Flags with the long lines. I kept reminding myself 'this trip is for Gson' when a part of me would think 'Geez... I've spent this whole time watching HIM stand in line so *I* can take pictures of him.' Yeah, I know.. patience Nana, patience. So if you ever plan on taking someone or going I'd advise a good two days to see it all.

*Chinese Food late at night
Yep. I planned on this weekend being a Keld Spike weekend so indulge I did. All those things I almost never eat.. ate 'em. Corn chips, donut, burrito, take out, burgers, french fries and shrimp lo mein. Time to clean up my act this week while hopefully my body starts burning thru calories the way a lotto winner burns thru cash.

*Ice Cream even later
Mentioned this because I got 'em free from the hotel pantry. Klondike Reeses. Free. Nothing else to say. Except, I am looking forward to living on Mars.



*Breakfast - a first in a long time
Trying to break that 'up at 6am, out of the hotel by 8am' mode ... born from being in a hurry on Trade Show weekends.. we leisurely enjoyed breakfast out by the pool. Under the palm trees. Yes, even this old dog can learn a new trick.

*Sports Academy ~ shoes!
We were taking a break from the congested traffic. While he was bouncing off the walls in 'teenage heaven' ... me? Not so much. Me in a sporting goods store is like Crocodile Dundee in New York... I only felt at home and woke up when I saw they had shoes! Picked up some neon birdies for the badminton set and a croquet game for when we go up to the lake on Labor day. Those aggressive kids with mallets. Hmmm. Note to self: up the insurance.

*Four hour delay and another off road adventure due to I45 turning into a parking lot
We'd taken the scenic route on the way down; wish we'd taken it on the way back. Well, ended up taking it anyway but unplanned. After two hours of inching one mile to exit the Freeway I had two thoughts: 1) I'm so glad *I* never pass up a chance for a bathroom and 2) I'm relieved I'm not the driver of that car full of cheerleaders in front of me. However, after seeing that line out the bathroom door, well, I did the old country stop & squat when we found ourselves back on a dirt road. Haven't done that in a while. Glad to know ... well, enough said on that.

Anyway ~ all things food? Ate often but not too much at any given time so .. I stretched out the debauchery I suppose. A couple of closing thoughts for today. We've all been here, a few times, I think.




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