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04 November 2014
Okay - so along with food, exercise, etc., I'm working on the 'stop taking crap as the Nana' phase of my life. Blondie was supposed to come here tonight for 'girls' night - homemade chili (frito pie!) as well as 'that pie' still hiding behind the chia. We were going to watch a movie.
She phoned just now to say 'DH got a bonus today and he's taking everyone out to dinner.. ' didn't even say 'I'm sorry'. I said, "okay, bye".
I shouted out a couple of rants including 'obviously.. NOT EVERYBODY' or the message would be 'can the chili keep, he wants to take us all out, including you.'
Should I have said, "wonderful, I'll get my coat?" to just hear the line go dead on her end?
So I sat down with MY cup of frito pie - and started to write this journal and the son in law phoned. I answered, 'congratulations on your bonus' and he replied 'thank you but there's a problem.. I'm kicking her out over to your house - this can be done another night."
I told him no. A bonus is to be celebrated on the night it's received. He mumbled about 'no, it's not important.. it can wait' and I said 'chili can too.. now go.. celebrate'
I added the 'chili can wait too' just to see if he'd say 'well, in that case.. join us?' but again.. nothing.
I'm not nearly as upset about this as I was the spaghetti dinner night. I guess that one left such a thick callous on me nothing is hurting. And yes, I did discuss it with B afterward that I left upset because I thought we were meeting as a family... and told her when stuff like that happens, I don't really feel like a member of the family; just someone who buys tickets.
Rudeness is as rudeness does. Will swallow this ... not too much food.. and go one about my evening. The only final thought is more and more of this type stuff, the more I want to cancel the family vacay at Christmas - all on my dime. Feeling a little pathetic right now.
Make Peace with Myself
04 November 2014
All in all my gold star yesterday took a ding before I finally closed my eyes last night; while picking up a few things at Big Lots I spied the canisters of Jordan Almonds and the third time I put one in my cart, I gave in. My apology to the stockers there ~ you have no idea the lengths I go to in order to discard unwanted (well, correction, not needed) items; besides, maybe someone will see them in housewares or automotive and be unable to resist - and I helped sell them. There, that's my rationalization. So I had a few at bedtime; a tiny tarnish.
Will try to repeat the mindfulness again today. So far so good although all things considered I should be face down in brownies. Checking on a roast I found the flame from the burner had gone out and .. well.. just gas spewing from the stove. I turned it off; counted my blessings ( am still counting!) opened the doors and pulled out the slow cooker. This has never happened; no idea 'why' or 'how'. None of the usual suspects - nothing boiled over, no major breeze, nothing. I'm puzzled. Gremlins. Mean ones. But I'll focus on my Guardian Angel who saved me.
Not once in 'that' moment did the 'oh, I had Jordan Almonds' or 'oh, if only another 10lbs off' ever occur to me. Merely 'thank you thank you thank you .. oh my goodness.. thank you'. Certainly places life back into perspective.
WILL I wander into brownie fudge sundae land never to be found here again? No. I remind myself that while it's easy to rationalize 'we all still die regardless of our health' I remember it's important to try to be healthy while I'm here. Just in case I don't die today.
Well, golly - this is a bit morbid. Sorry about that. Overcast and raining here today. But the temps are in the mid 60's so that's nice.
Life is good. Hope yours is as well. Have a wonderful day.
Make Peace with Myself
03 November 2014
I am Rockin' the Mindful Eating Today! Giving myself a gold star at 2pm as incentive to finish out the day; well earned as I joined Grace's church group for 'Ladies who Lunch' and was seated next to Teacher Face. We dined at a soup / salad / pie buffet and I actually put a small amount of the various salads on my plate and TASTED (( and enjoyed!)) each slowly instead of my recent M.O. of shoveling in food while considering seconds. Huge baked potato - brought over half of it home for dinner or lunch tomorrow.
Free pie (yeah, seriously) and I brought it (chocolate turtle) & a second slice (chocolate meringue) to share with a new friend but she can't make it. Ah well, more opportunities to practice and firmly cement the regained mindfulness. But I did hide it behind the yogurt & chia seeds in the fridge. I need all the help I can give myself.
Yesterday was total rest & recovery day. The 'child' in me glanced out the door at the cool Autumn weather with ambition but the adult in me curled up on the sofa with a quilt and took two naps. I still slept well last night; chemically enhanced after a bit of leg wrestling but sleep indeed. Naps for me are like Wolf Brand chili ... few and far between.
My new friend, a lady I met in the shop this morning, turned out to be one of those people who could have been telling 'my' story; we even have the same name! She too has lost her husband of 20+ years to COPD within the last year; has less than admiral stepchildren, and more. I invited her to join us for lunch but she was delayed at the bank and didn't make it. Maybe another time.
I loved that the buffet is within walking distance of me and am grateful I am healthy enough to walk there without discomfort. There is just something so 'healthy' feeling about walking toward a destination rather than driving. I also discovered Yoga lives less than two miles from me and will be perfect for bike riding when I go visit her. I MAY check out two-wheel bikes as she does have a dog and I am overly protective of Mushy. I left the door open yesterday so that she felt grownup enough to lounge on the chaise outside at will but somehow she managed to pick up something that made her sick. But she's better today.
That's it for now. Happy Monday to all. Here's to an extraordinary week for all of us.
Make Peace with Myself
02 November 2014
I managed to get in several hours of decent sleep thank goodness. By the time Mushy and I did crawl into bed I was fried. Whoops… steamed, there, that’s healthier. Ha.
BCF visited and I decided yesterday was to be a ‘pampering nurture day’ for her. She is the caretaker of two and it is indeed draining as I well know. So I set up a table with linens, etc., in for dining and served the pork chop apples with potatoes, asparagus, corn muffins, cherry cobbler and wine. We walked around downtown after lunch, stepping in theaters and boutiques for a while. When we returned home I helped her into my jacuzzi (she’s still a little unstable recovering from her fractured hip) that I’d filled with oils and epsom salts.
Later we went over to Yoga’s for wine & cheese and then the three of us went to the ‘Noctoberfest’. It was quite enjoyable. A jacuzzi for me afterward as I contemplated all the food I’d consumed and it was ‘lights out’.
Something has flipped in me and I want it to flip back. I reflected on my fully loaded plate of German food with ‘oh my gosh, this is fabulous.. would it be rude to go back for seconds’ but FORTUNATELY I’d taken the first seat in next to the wall so I wasn’t able to slink out of there without making everyone move. And with that, I was able to sit still and realize I was full. More than full. But STILL when they came around delivering dessert I took the larger slice of German Chocolate Cake instead of the smaller.
What is that? That emotion? I know it. I’ve lived it. But I thought I’d discarded it. Portions? Cravings? Gluttony? And how do I turn it back around. Do I need to fast a few days to get my body back on track? Like my Angel, I am going to be knee deep in curiosity about myself as I reach for food. What is going on that I immediately look at a plate, before ever touching the food, and think ‘well, that can’t be enough.’
Still much work to do. I’m grateful for this day I’ve been given to do it.
Make Peace with Myself
01 November 2014
Days under RDI & Days Eating Mindfully (DURDI & DEM): 1
Hey, I’ll take it. Especially in reflection of the two preceding ‘Friday Lunch Fails’ plus yesterday being THE candy holiday of the year. Mushy and I rode the bike down to the square to check in on the Halloween events.
The band was okay but the crowd was too much. I get that this is safer than going door to door but bored little costumed kids standing in line to get their prepackaged bags full of candy just sucked the whimsey of the holiday right out of me. Where were the giggles? The shrieks of delight? Now they just slump and play games on their Iphones. Yep, I’m too old for this modern generation.
The aroma of popcorn was great though - always is, isn’t it? Just something about the scent of food outdoors can drive a reformed eater to madness. I decided though instead of slumping in line with the munchkins I’d just come home & have some Orville Redenbacher's on the sofa.
But once inside and warm, I regained my resolve and had soup. Then an apple. And finally, just to try a healthy recipe I found online - a chocolate mug cake under 100 calories. Not bad at all. Healthy recipe experimenting has kicked off on a positive note. Of course, reading recipes can be treacherous as it results in me wanting start creating at 2am but I shall approach that with the ‘all things in moderation’ mantra as well.
Not great sleep last night - I’m going to have to phone the doc about the legs. I find myself desperate and mixing up a late night makeshift cocktail of muscle relaxers and pain pills just to make it go away long enough to fall asleep. Crazy. Finally crashed a little after midnight and have been up since 3am. It’s gonna be a long day.
BCF is expected today; some business, some social. I’m serving Apple Pork Chops and asparagus. Will browse for another healthy dessert to try and offer. Later we are meeting Yoga and going to an Octoberfest at Grace’s church. Well I guess as it’s today it’d be a Noctoberfest.
This is the last weekend for Farmers Market so I guess Mushy & I will go see if there’s anything interesting to add to our luncheon today ( or tomorrow ). That’s about it for now. Hope you’re having a wonderful Saturday in your world today. I shall try to have one in mine.
Make Peace with Myself
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