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11 March 2014
Tuesday Morning - March 11th. According to Coco Chanel: “The woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” So I did. Myself. Alone in the bathroom with a pair of rusty scissors. Chopped it all off into a pixie length mop.
That may read falsely courageous as I still wear a wig in public but I like it. All the color damaged split ends are gone. I actually have some healthy (albeit still thin) looking hair now and I think the nightly stimulating (good old fashioned scratching all over akin to 100 brush strokes) is helping awaken some new growth.
ATF yesterday was less than stellar; I know where it went south and take full responsibility. I’d just eaten a late afternoon lunch of tuna and pickles when my grandson stopped in and wanted to ‘do something’ and then said ‘your lunch is making me hungry’ (empty bowl on the back desk in the shop). After closing the shop we harnessed Mushy and walked around downtown checking on my empty buildings in need of tenants (sigh) and stopped at the corner pub to sit outside in the 70 degree sunshine (yay) while Nana bought the bottomless pit a Reuben to eat.
I’d heard the pub makes a great homemade hummus so I ordered some, although not hungry, to snack while he ate. Then I had some of his Reuben while he at most of my hummus. Not off the rails catastrophic but my stomach was clearly talking back to me with a ‘hey… what gives… we’re already at capacity in here as it is!’
After that we walked back to the warehouse and played basketball. Well, we played basket, I guess. The ball was mostly deflated and wouldn’t bounce so we just took turns throwing it at the goal, each other, etc. I kept running about hoping to work off some of the extra food.
Then I let him ( driving permit ) chauffeur me to Lowes to pick up some things for my church. Oh My Gosh. The garden area was stuffed with beautiful fresh plants and the wonderful odors were intoxicating - especially of the lemon trees - but I stuck with the landscaping soil and birdseed. I know we have at least one more freeze coming before Easter. If not, well, I’m sure there will still be plants and I’ll enjoy them all the same.
Back to ATF - no ‘dinner’ after all the extra but a small bowl of oatmeal and off to bed. Then the most aggravating undying craving for french fries hit me. And of all the foods I have on hand, potatoes wasn’t one of them. I had a sweet potato in the fridge but I wasn’t wanting those; I wanted a good old crispy Idaho.
But instead of honoring the Big 3 of EWYL (What do I want, have, and need) and accepting french fries were coming in at a 2-1 loss for ‘have & need’ did I say ‘well, just go to sleep and forget it - tomorrow if you still want them you can walk your self over to the market and buy a potato.’ Nope. I substituted the homemade chili and a warmed biscuit instead. Total lack of logic there. No mindfulness. Just filling a ‘craving’ with food rather than satisfying the craving with attention and intention. Stupid. Recoverable but stupid.
I laughed at Cutty yesterday as he literally brought the ‘mountain to Muhammad’ when a firetruck, lights but no sirens, parked in the street in front of my shop. They were just on standby for a local fender bender at the intersection so once I determined no one was seriously injured I asked their permission to sprinkle some ashes in front of the truck. There, another bucket list item checked off. I’ll also be taking some to San Antonio with me and sprinkling them in the river as that will be our 25th anniversary weekend.
But for now, I need to brace my day with another bullet proof coffee. In fact, I need a kevlar of coffees. I finally realized mid-day yesterday it’s SPRING BREAK.
I know those two words usually bring to mind keggers and wild parties but in my world it means a shop full of little rug rats daily smearing my glass display cases with their sticky fingers because their parents or grandparents don’t know what to do with them but are too cheap to take them somewhere that isn’t free.
Poor little kids. I often think of picking up ‘admission free for kids’ type tickets to all the places I can - just so they can whine at the adults to ‘take me!’ That would certainly stop these ‘bus tours’ or at least, shorten them, hmmm? Insert image of hand washing with evil cackle here.
So that’s about it for now. The weather guru’s are predicting sunshine and a high of 78 here today. Hopefully my grandson will get to pitch (baseball game) this afternoon. Even if he doesn’t, it’ll make for a nice afternoon to sit in the sun and chatter at the batter.
Y’all have a good day now, ya hear? Batta-batta-batta-SuhWing….
Make Peace with Myself
09 March 2014
Sunday Afternoon - March 9th. I moved the clocks up at 7pm last night and went to bed but it was only after soaking in a hot spa tub that my muscle spasms settled enough to allow me a good restful sleep.
ATF was odd last night. Instead of my normal hot oatmeal before bed I tried a recipe for an ‘overnight, no cook’ version. Here’s the link if you’re interested.
Overnight Refrigerator Oatmeal
I stirred frozen mixed berries in mine and think the sugar from that and the yogurt woke the cookie monster. I ravaged the pantry first for graham crackers followed by vanilla wafers and then fig newtons. Fortunately the crackers and wafers were seriously stale so tossing them into the trash bin was guilt free (after eating several anyway … sigh). I think I had 3 or 4 newtons and said ‘okay, stop now… come back in half an hour if you still want some.’ And I didn’t (go back). All in a Day, right?
Review of the ‘no cook oatmeal’? Not nearly as weird as I’d anticipated. It was like a nice cold chunky pudding of sorts. And to tiptoe through this delicately so that ATF doesn’t slip into TMI, I’ll just say there must be a digestive benefit to allowing the chia seeds to soak and process ‘cold’ compared to cooking with them. Gosh, I hope it was that and not the fig newtons. Just what I need, an excuse for cookies at night. Gah.
I reflected a large contributor to the ‘that was easy’ reaction at the end of my days now is because I just don’t have that many IRL conversations that include anyone playing Devil’s Advocate to my decisions. No one telling me ‘You Did that Wrong.’ But they do still occur now and then; for example, related to my upcoming trip:
‘Train? Why a train?’
‘Because I’ve never traveled by one and I think it would be interesting.’
‘Won’t you get bored? Why don’t you just fly? Or drive. Either would be faster.’
I just smile and shrug and bite my tongue instead of trying to explain to them for ‘me’ it’s the journey, not just the destination anymore. Just like losing weight this time, I’m in no hurry to reach my goal; I’m taking my time to pay attention to the details of this trip that I HAVE whizzed through four times in the past.
I’m not in a hurry. Not anymore. I’ve rushed through far too much of my life distracted by goals and measurements. It’s time to relax, enjoy and celebrate the minutes I’m still allowed to walk this earth.
Beautiful morning outside. Played with the plants, seeded and watered the yard, refilled the bird feeders. Then a pork roast wrap in a warm tortilla with melted cheese, fresh spinach and delicious diced tomato. I’m now going to sip tea and close my eyes a bit. Check for pinholes as they used to say back in the day.
Hope you’re having a wonderful day in your world.
Make Peace with Myself
08 March 2014
Second Journal - Saturday Evening - March 8th. I’m vegging in the recliner with Mushy after enjoying a bowl of homemade chili with black beans and sipping a cup of ‘carrot cake’ coffee from World Market. Yum squared. The bag was ordered as a gift for Grace but she stiffed me on the Garden Show today last minute, claiming ‘sore throat’... so… no gift for you, kiddo. Sorry.
I’d like to say that’s the worst thing I’ve done all day but I’d be lying. I put extra cayenne in the chili just to make sure it was so spicy that Blondie wouldn’t repeat her ‘food leech-a-thon’ of last night where she stood in the pantry eyeing the shelves suggesting I ‘give her this food I’m not eating.’ You gotta laugh, right?
My body must be going thru one heck of a hormonal surge because I’ve been swinging between whimsical and witchy all day.
Whimsy included stopping at a bakery and actually going inside and sitting down all alone to enjoy a ham and cheese scone with a cappuccino while completing the Saturday edition Sudoku (the hardest of the week). Several FIRSTS in that event having never been to the bakery, much less just relaxed alone and 'killed time'.First for H&C scone too.
ATF ( I see that’s caught on, LOL ) was choosing between the scone and a Danish; additionally choosing just ‘one’ instead of rationalizing ‘well, how often do you do this… live it up and splurge!’
While I’ve not yet mastered sitting and staring AT the food to consider it mindful eating I did take very small bites and think about the taste and texture. I finished the puzzle before the scone and I’m no rocket scientist so that means I ate slowly.
The Garden Show? Meh. I didn’t realize until too late our local Chamber of Commerce was behind it and … pardon me… mood swing… they suck at everything they organize. They just do. They don’t care that at least half the vendors there had NOTHING to do with gardening they only cared that they made money renting the space. I consider it ironic the icon’s (Lowes & Home Depot) weren’t present nor were any of the local nurseries. They apparently knew who was at the helm of that sinking ship. I obviously live in a bubble.
But back to whimsy, I bought a beautiful assorted succulent plant arrangement that had been potted into a hubcap as the base. Love it. I also picked up a little charm shaped like angel wings and hooked it on Cutty’s gold chain link bracelet (the one I wear now that he can no longer; he’d called this his wedding band whenever his fingers curled too tight to wear a ring). Some earrings, egyptian cotton sheets ( I wasn’t kidding about the non gardening booths) and other things.
One of the vendors was hawking ‘essential oils’ and while I DO appreciate the benefits of Aromatherapy considering the many candles and warmers I enjoy throughout my home I see-sawed back into witch-mode the third time she claimed ‘this oil’ is great for weight loss’ testifying she’d lost 28lbs thanks to it.
I wanted to stop her and say, ‘Hold on there a minute missy.. is that 28lbs per different oil … a total of 84lbs you’ve lost… or are you giving credit to all of these for 28lbs.. ‘ because, well, let’s face it… a big whiff of doggie-do will deter my appetite from eating if you make me rub it on my palms and sniff it just before mealtime.
Sorry, I warned you.
Then again.. as she continued to work her sales pitch but kept tossing in the ‘weight loss’ magic, I wanted to ask, so loudly that I would be heard throughout the entire closed in room, ‘Are you Saying I’m FAAAAT????’ I wanted my question to ECHO and rattle the walls.
I mean, if *I* am the elephant in the room, by golly, hear me roar. Or trumpet. Or whatever you call that sound elephant’s make. Regardless, my call of the wild would forever frighten the rest of the herd from visiting her snake oil pit.
Label me the Endora of the marketing world but I cannot help but think how many zillions of businesses would FAIL tomorrow if we could just accept and love ourselves the way we are and stop supporting the Magic Bean Industry.
Sure, there’s a healthy weight range, a decent balance of hygiene, and a moderate need for grooming but can you imagine if we all just said ‘Enough with the bashing of our self confidence all in the sake of sales!'
If you think about it there are zillions of self help books, cd's, seminars, shrinks, counselors, life coaches and more. All marketed to help restore the very ego's advertising destroys.
And if they ALL worked? Well, both sides of the fence would fail. The cynic in me wonders if they all meet in an undisclosed convention monthly to discuss the latest 'insecurity' and how to simultaneously feed AND claim to cure it. If we didn't believe in one, we'd not need the other. We’d all just show up here on FS and support each other with love and kindness and get about our days in peace.
If we all ever get a ‘self actualization’ group going we’ll kill the Dow Jones in a day and bring the NYSE to it’s knees.
ATF at the show? The ‘lunch menu’ included HOT DOGS! Seriously? I had just journaled my disdain of that entree and there it was in my face. No thank you.
I think the final straw that broke me was the aloe vera product booth. When the woman went in for her kill spiel hawking her ‘facial product that would turn back the clock on my face’ I had to call ‘foul’. I just couldn’t take anymore subtle insults.
Imagine Julia Sugerbaker from Designing Women when I said, “Darlin’, if it’s all the same to you … I LIKE looking my age. If I were to look any younger folks would have higher expectations of me….” She wasn’t thrilled at all with me being so comfortable with my ‘laugh lines’ but the guy behind me cracked up laughing. Oops.
Less than two hours there I was so worn down by the carnie’s I needed a break. I wasn’t hungry for lunch yet so I drove up the street to get a simple manicure where I discovered ‘Walk In’s’ weren’t really ‘Welcome’ at all despite the illuminated sign.
Thirty minutes after signing in and watching two of the techs play on their phones and ignore me as they walked by, I stood, tossed the Good Housekeeping magazine from December 2012 on the chair and announced to no one in particular ‘well, a half hour is my limit for being ignored at a Nail Salon, you folks have a good day!’ and turned to exit.
NOW, of course, the tech at the first booth FINALLY acknowledges me and immediately sat me at one of the empty bays. So I’ll remember that next time but will lower my wait limit to 15 minutes instead. And I'm sure if I ever return they'll remember me based on the horrid meager tip I left.
After that poor public display I decided to come home and spare the rest of the world the wrath of my mood swings. So I sorted out my days haul of 'treasures' while the chili simmered.
Take care, kiddies… ::: she cackles ::::
Bella Levau (ala Marie Leveau … eh, do your own internet search … LOL)
Make Peace with Myself
08 March 2014
Saturday Morning - March 8th. I’m sitting here waiting for an earthquake as my online shopping frenzy on Sleet Sunday yielded the delivery of both boots and sandals yesterday. So I’m prepared for Sun or Sleet… seems like I’m tempting Mother Nature to throw something else at me. Be nice to me Momma… please give me a pretty sunny Saturday. I’m going to a Garden Show.
All Things Food moving right along. Chopped and warmed up a little prime rib yesterday and wrapped it in a heated flour tortilla with Asiago cheese, mushrooms and fresh spinach. Mmm Mmm marvelous. I believe the tally is now six nights of no PB&J on the oatmeal. I may (maybe oh maybe) have dropped a pound so I’m going to try this another week just to see what happens.
I’m composing this journal from my brand new acer chromebook. Having to ‘whack’ my old netbook just to get the screen to settle for a couple of years now I knew I was just continuing to ask for trouble. I am of the generation that getting ‘new toys’ always required having a rocket scientist on board to get them up and running; this new ‘turn it on and awaaaay we go’ is amazing. Next on the list? Wireless speakers as this one has a blue tooth :-) Creeping into the 21st century bit by bit.
And because my pages and internet searches are flipping around faster than flapjacks I decided to see if I could get to the ‘menu’ page at Amtrak without needing a valium for the old ‘click and sit’ and ‘lo and behold.. there it was. And I FREAKED out. So much for my bragging yesterday.
Then I realized I was only on page one … the kids menu .. and it was all hot dogs, grilled cheese, mac & cheese, yada yada. I’m sure there’s a thought to explore THERE of why we don’t acclimate our youngsters to healthier choices and I’m sure some do but it just looked like every other kids menu from every other place so obviously it’s the majority rule.
But seeing that initially I thought ‘uhm.. great .. I’ll have Mr. C on board for my mini vacay - I was already planning on packing loose clothes because of travel bloat but I may need to go a size up’. However, logic prevailed, I scrolled down and found the grown up section. Not bad.
So Mushy had her first play date ever yesterday and it was precious. Stick came by and brought his little dog .. I’m not really sure what breed that dog is - it looks like a miniature Dachshund mixed with Blue Heeler but only weighs about 3-4lbs… I dunno but it’s sooo totally precious if he ever decides it needs a new home I’ll be waiting with open arms especially as Mushy had so much fun playing with him. This was the first time EVER I’ve let her play with another dog.
The only thing I can’t seem to figure out how to do is copy & paste from the Journey to the Heart on this contraption. There’s an app for the kindle reader but it’s not functioning the same as when on the other system. So y’all may have to go out & buy your own book for now, LOL. I’m sure the author would be pleased with the extra revenue.
And that’s it. Think I’ll get started with my day here. Hope you’re all having a wonderful one in your world.
Make Peace with Myself
07 March 2014
Friday - March 7th. This week went by in a blink for me! I haven't checked Bren's journal for the 'hour countdown' yet but I do hope she manages to find a way to slow the spin of the universe once Spring does arrive; maybe give each 'hour' an extra 30 minutes and deduct it from the Winter days. Something akin to what we do with 'All Things Food' - eat a little less before and after a big meal to balance it all out by the end of the week.
More ATF yesterday (hmmm... I think that acronym has been taken, uh oh) - tuna & pickles for lunch after a morning of bullet proof coffee. Salmon and Mediterranian vegetables with sun dried tomato bruschetta for dinner. Two fresh oranges (sooo good!) and my precious oatmeal for bedtime snack. Five days no PB&J and I'm starting to crave sweets less.
I think the oranges had me a bit on sugar overload as I woke two hours after going to bed and had a heated flour tortilla with melted cheese and fresh spinach snack. I recognized the only fruit I get into my recommended daily is raisins in the oatmeal and the occasional tomato (yes, it's a fruit). Will give more thought to that to 'have my fruit and still sleep too.'
Earlier this week I was reflecting on the summary of my days lately wherein I react, 'well, that was easy' and find it surprising. Has my life been that challenging and forced for so many years that anything else feels so rare it elicits questioning or doubt? Or did my approach and outlook change for the better and life is now as it was meant to be? I don't know.. I just know I really enjoy it.
Another recognition this morning: my comfortableness with food now. For a long time I've had the mantra 'Food is My Friend, I just have to choose my Friends Wisely' in my toolbox and it's finally taken a good grip. I'd equate that mantra to the monkey wrench of tools. Probably because it's one of the few tools I could name and I like that term 'monkey' as it leaves much room for mental exploration. Used correctly it is a flexible tool for many jobs; used incorrectly ... well, it'll make a monkey of me, right?
On my recent trip for the trade show, 'food' was at the bottom of my thoughts. I didn't sweat 'oh no, I'm going to be on the road, away from home, temptations and restaurants and chilled snickers being wheeled by... what will I do?' I didn't feel like I was having to restrict anything I really wanted or fall asleep thinking 'Gah... I blew it at dinner with all that mindless over eating but I hate wasting that money by not eating it all'. I didn't spend hours online trying to figure out the menu at a specific restaurant to know that I could 'fit those calories in my RDI'.
I'm not judging those of you who do. I DID do this for a year. I studied food content, calories, nutrition, carbs, fats, and sugar as if I were cramming for SAT's. I backed that up with measuring, weighing, finding comparable units to use when I didn't have a scale with me. I became a walking, talking encyclopedia of food facts for when I couldn't be around a FS or internet look up. And it worked. How do I know it worked?
Because I stopped recording my food about nine months ago and I've maintained my weight. Sure.. I'd LOVE to lose this last bit of weight. I finally find myself at the same place 'most' of you are - 'oh, if I could just lose 15lbs...'
At nearly 300lbs... I didn't have that thought. It was 'Gosh, I need to lose 150lbs'... and for those of you who've been 'there' with me too, well, you can identify with the feeling. And then another group of you who've done it along side me, lost a huge amount of weight so far, now you find yourselves where I am ... back to being the norm of taking off that final 15lbs or so.
And I will. Or I won't. If I can reach my two year mark (Aug 25th) and still be this weight, I'll be quite happy to have maintained rather than falling off the wagon at 18mos as I have so many times in the past with this process. I'd be deliriously happy, of course, to be ten pounds lighter as long as I am still healing my disordered eating and Eating What I Love.
Regardless, it occurred to me as I continue to plan my April vacation that 'food' never entered into my thoughts where in the past it would have been on the forefront. What to eat, where to eat, plan, check and double check. I'd have been thinking 'oh no... there'll be outdoor restaurants and food smells and more ... how will I survive?'
And, of course, at 300lbs I didn't enjoy eating in public because I felt every eye was on me judging me 'well, look at her eat, no wonder she's so fat.' And those times I'd lost the weight with disordered restrictive eating, I didn't enjoy it either because I'd stare at the food thinking 'can't have that... ugh.. well, I just blew it.. may as well have it all... I'll just go throw it up later...' and I'd spend the evening laying on the bathroom floor in pain.
Not this time. When Amtrak told me they'd bring a menu to my room and I'd get to order.. I didn't even think to ask 'What are the choices? Will I need to bring MY own safe, healthy WOE food instead? Will this be the trip that derails my eating?' (get it, derailed on a train, LOL)
Instead, I invested my free time yesterday changing my hotel. I decided the Omni looked nice but preferred something with a little less 'chain' and a little more 'local flavor'. It was more expensive but at least when I look back on this memory I'll be able to distinguish it specifically. I also looked into taking a helicopter tour: another first. Trains & helicopters. Not once did I think about food.
I know to remember the EWYL big three: What do I want? What do I have? What do I need? And I'll incorporate that into mindful eating of portions. It's a slow learned process. But it's truly set in my subconscious when travel doesn't make me sweat the 'meals'. Baby steps toward becoming a truly healthy minded adult.
Our little girl is growing up, LOL.
Have a great Friday my friends.
PS - rarely do I jump ahead in the Journey to the Heart - this morning was by accident. Loved it though as I've been having really weird sleep dreams. So, sharing along with my friends who feel, as I often do, that this book was written 'just for me'. See how alike we all are, regardless of the 'outer appearance', hmmm?
March 8 - Your Dreams Are Important
A woman told me about a dream she had, one that was bothering her deeply. “What do you think it means?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “Besides, it doesn’t matter what I think. The important thing is what you think. What’s it telling you?”
We dream two kinds of dreams— waking dreams and sleeping dreams. Both are powerful forms of consciousness. Our sleeping dreams, the images that dance in our minds while we sleep, hold many clues to life, growth, the future, the past, healing, and our connections with others. They may reveal suppressed emotions. They may be bits and pieces of prophecy. They may be symbols of truths we’re about to learn.
Our waking dreams are important, too. We go about daily with our expectations, wants, desires, hopes— our heart’s plan for the future. We may not express these dreams. We may not even realize we are superimposing them on our lives, much the same way we can forget what we dream when we sleep.
There’s power in allowing ourselves to become conscious of our dreams. What are our dreams telling us about what we want, fear, hope for, desire?
Expressing our dreams will connect us to our consciousness and a higher consciousness. Expressing them will connect us to the creative force. Tapping into our dreams helps us tap into creativity— creativity for our lives, creativity for projects, the powerful creative force of the universe.
There’s power in dreaming, whether we’re asleep or awake. Take time to honor and express your dreams.
Beattie, Melody (2013-04-30). Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul (p. 68). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
Make Peace with Myself
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