showing entries 1 to 5 of 605
Page:   1   2   3   4   5 ...  Next

30 July 2014

I've reflected on this before but it visited me again last night. I'm referring to the scene in the movie 28 Days when the person asks about forming relationships once they've left the treatment center and are instructed to 'Get a plant. If you keep a plant alive one year, get a dog. If at the end of two years if they are both alive, you can think about having a relationship.'

Politically correct or not, I feel the same about this period of being a widow as it seems to yield a similar reaction of sobriety for me. I'm getting better about living fully in the moment rather than being distracted by the turmoil of illness that surrounded me for so many years.

I began recognizing EVERY time I sit down with food, my laptop, or a nice relaxing cup of coffee, suddenly, Mushy wants my attention. Not companionship. Not hop in the chair as she usually does. Rather, she acts like she wants to go out to potty or grabs a toy to play, etc. But when I put 'my thing' down, she'll ignore me and play with one of her chewies.

It's a power play, isn't it?

Yes, I love my dog - everyone knows that. But I am learning right now, I have to love myself more; actually, the most. And I'm struggling as I regain the 'alpha' role in this home to avoid the feeling of guilt and over compensation. Last night I decided it was time to make her wait. And ignore Sarah McLaughlin's singing in my head.

If a relationship were happening in my life, I'd probably not have noticed it. I'd have just 'dealt with' the feelings of frustrations because *I* allow it. I allow someone, something, even that little furry fluff of love, to control me. I give up the control because I ... what... don't think I can handle it? Don't want to exert it? Want someone else in charge? What's going on that I give away the very thing I eventually rage against?

No, not rage at the dog. Never. But inner rage of frustration because I can't maintain my inspiration when painting or finish a movie. Outer dialogue of blame of guilt, 'Oh sure, of course NOW you want to go out... nothing new here...' and then finally recognizing it was happening because I was allowing it.

For whatever reason, however it happened, little by little, I lost my title of Queen of Bellawood. And it's time to regain it.

So it's a good thing I have the plants and the dog right now. Reminders of how to behave and protect me. Challenges to keep things alive without letting them become my whole life or little by little kill 'me'. Finding the balance. While I do seem to have a green thumb I have had my share of garden sacrifices where I picked a flower or plant on impulse rather than read to discover it's ideal environment as well as how to plan for the perennials.

I think that's why the plant has to live a 'year' so we in recovery can experience it all four seasons. Get thru the holidays, the winters, and all of the celebrations and still have Fido and the Ficus.

Other than that ~ auction last night. I bought and absolutely love this; it just seemed to scream my name and define the me I am trying to find. This is my first furniture purchase alone.

After all, the counselor never said anything about furniture.

Hope you're having a good day in your world.

Bella





Weigh-in: 185.0 lb lost so far: 100.0 lb still to go: 5.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (9 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   steady weight

29 July 2014

Tuesday. Really don't have that much to say - just posting this to satisfy the Weigh in Now Reminder with empty data. Again.

I had a marketing idea this weekend. While I'm the last person to implement regular exercise as..



I can certainly make my share of bucks off suggesting it. This idea occurred to me this weekend when I skipped the 'posture, slimming, fat smoothing armor' for a comfortable but forgiving over shirt. I was thinking of an ad copy reading '30 minutes a day of this (insert picture of toned woman exercising) 'versus 12 hours a day of this' (insert woman in vice gripping corset).

But then I saw this when searching for photo's and decided SOME women CAN do it all. I'm just not one of them.



Because I'm more like:



All things Food - right back on track with the return from the road trip. I'm glad I can do that now instead of 'oh my, I ate an entire bag off BBQ Frito's... total fail.. pass the pizza and ice cream and clear the path to the bathroom'.

That's really all of it. A few thoughts of amusement or inspiration follow. You decide. And have a good day, now, ya hear?

Bella









Weigh-in: 185.0 lb lost so far: 100.0 lb still to go: 5.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well

28 July 2014

Monday afternoon ~ and it's been one of those adventure weekends that have to be summarized up front for the headline readers followed by details later for .. well.. myself. My journal, remember, LOL? I'm slow moving today as Mushy and I are in 'adventure recovery mode'.

Weekend Road Trip to Houston with the 17 year old Grandson to Visit the Johnson Space Center


*Easy relaxed meandering scenic trip down
*Yard sales and roadside produce stands
*An off road experience, well, 2 actually
*Grandson's first major highway driving
*Rain
*Ash spreading for Cutty
*Space Center
*Chinese Food late at night
*Ice Cream even later
*Breakfast - a first in a long time
*Sports Academy ~ shoes!
*Four hour delay and another off road adventure due to I45 turning into a parking lot
*Came home to find a Miracle of Blessing beyond belief

Starting with the last listed I don't know how, why, when, where, what or who but somehow I left the door unlocked and alarm off all weekend. Yes, it HAD to be me as no one else has a key; I changed one of the locks months ago (there are four.) This is the door to the SHOP - yes, the one I sit in all day with security cameras, personal self defense, bars on the windows and an electric locked door with a button release and a panic button hanging from my neck. This is the shop where if I'm in here on a weekend, lights off, open sign off, closed, coming in and out attending to personal items people will walk right in and ignore all of that to do business. This is the door that not only leads into my shop but on into my home behind it. Unlocked. No alarm. All weekend. I'm truly blessed. Truly, truly, mind boggling blessed beyond anything I can even comprehend right now.

I'm not sure what to do with this experience; I'm still processing it. It doesn't take long to imagine the 'oh my gosh, what if's and worst case scenarios'. I'm focusing on the 'I am so truly blessed. People who don't believe in Miracles just aren't looking for them; it doesn't take a burning bush to see one. I'm living it right now. Nothing disturbed. Nothing. I don't know if people came in, wondered if it was a trap and left. I don't know. I don't care. I just care and appreciate and prayed my gratitude all night that I am blessed. Truly, truly blessed.

And that's the biggest highlight I have to share. The rest will all be low lights from here but follow nonetheless. Thank you for stopping by to visit with me.

Bella



*Easy relaxed trip down



I may have over stated that one; the Gson drove much of the trip and many times the car was in gear but the brain wasn't. He's supposed to go for his license in 20 days; I think I need to see another trip from him before I'll feel comfortable. I know, we all did it. But we all had older folk behind us saying the same. This was a quote from one of the Apollo missions but reminds me of being in the car with him driving.



*Yard sales and roadside produce stands

Ever spent all day with your mouth watering as you look forward to enjoying that 'fresh, organic grown candy-sweet' cantaloupe purchased at the produce stand only to find yourself wondering 'how in the heck and why was it so salty?' Well, I did. Too weird. Salty? Like vinegar? Weird. Very little yard sale haul, a small photo album and an inspiration frame.

*An off road experience; actually two

Some how we got off track; and yes, I was driving. It was the last of the yard sale adventuring for me as we spent a good hour on these types of roads trying to get back to black-top. Apparently I need to stop messing with Tom Tom because I swear when advised 'route includes unpaved roads' I answered NO!



*Grandson's first major highway driving
I-45 southbound into Houston at 2pm; even HE finally turned the music down so he could concentrate. Then again, that was probably me. This was after nearly side swiping a car. I'm asking Blondie to have his depth perception checked. Even Mushy didn't mind being in the back seat this time.



*Rain
I swear, the Farmer's Coalition of Houston should send me a check and recruit me to visit. I've NEVER .. repeat.. NEVER been to Houston that it DIDN'T rain! And I've been there many, many times. I couldn't even surprise visit one of my remote employee's there... she'd say 'Bells, I knew you were coming when it started raining...'

*Ash spreading for Cutty
Saturday being the 26th I had ashes in the bag with me. I planned on making the little trip into Galveston to let him float on the Gulf of Mexico at Sunset but by the time we finished the tour at the space center, etc., I was wiped out. So I found a nice little palm tree and said a few words there. I'd already had a total goose bump producing moment when I somehow hooked my finger in the necklace holding his wedding ring and broke it... I had to pull the car over and find the ring.. I couldn't even think! What a weird weekend of 'signals from the universe'.

*Space Center
When I phoned the ticket person said 'oh, you can see EVERYthing in about 4 hours'. Wrong. There are several films, three tram tours, many exhibits, and more. This to fully experience would take about two days; especially as there are a few little 'amusements' like walking on Mars simulation and jumping from a second floor level thins that made it seem like Six Flags with the long lines. I kept reminding myself 'this trip is for Gson' when a part of me would think 'Geez... I've spent this whole time watching HIM stand in line so *I* can take pictures of him.' Yeah, I know.. patience Nana, patience. So if you ever plan on taking someone or going I'd advise a good two days to see it all.

*Chinese Food late at night
Yep. I planned on this weekend being a Keld Spike weekend so indulge I did. All those things I almost never eat.. ate 'em. Corn chips, donut, burrito, take out, burgers, french fries and shrimp lo mein. Time to clean up my act this week while hopefully my body starts burning thru calories the way a lotto winner burns thru cash.

*Ice Cream even later
Mentioned this because I got 'em free from the hotel pantry. Klondike Reeses. Free. Nothing else to say. Except, I am looking forward to living on Mars.



*Breakfast - a first in a long time
Trying to break that 'up at 6am, out of the hotel by 8am' mode ... born from being in a hurry on Trade Show weekends.. we leisurely enjoyed breakfast out by the pool. Under the palm trees. Yes, even this old dog can learn a new trick.

*Sports Academy ~ shoes!
We were taking a break from the congested traffic. While he was bouncing off the walls in 'teenage heaven' ... me? Not so much. Me in a sporting goods store is like Crocodile Dundee in New York... I only felt at home and woke up when I saw they had shoes! Picked up some neon birdies for the badminton set and a croquet game for when we go up to the lake on Labor day. Those aggressive kids with mallets. Hmmm. Note to self: up the insurance.

*Four hour delay and another off road adventure due to I45 turning into a parking lot
We'd taken the scenic route on the way down; wish we'd taken it on the way back. Well, ended up taking it anyway but unplanned. After two hours of inching one mile to exit the Freeway I had two thoughts: 1) I'm so glad *I* never pass up a chance for a bathroom and 2) I'm relieved I'm not the driver of that car full of cheerleaders in front of me. However, after seeing that line out the bathroom door, well, I did the old country stop & squat when we found ourselves back on a dirt road. Haven't done that in a while. Glad to know ... well, enough said on that.

Anyway ~ all things food? Ate often but not too much at any given time so .. I stretched out the debauchery I suppose. A couple of closing thoughts for today. We've all been here, a few times, I think.




24 July 2014

Warning: Rant. However, to save FS the trouble of substituting my language for pound signs I'll just type them in myself. It's kind of fun. I wish I'd thought of this last year when Elizabeth challenged us to stop swearing in front of the Amish.

Today, I just don't give a pound. I don't think you could pounding pay me to give a pound. If I didn't already have a pounding appointment I'd pounding crack open a bottle of wine and suck that pound down in one pounding inhale.

I was so going to eliminate the word pound from my vocabulary but I've been surrounded by pounding morons all day. Impossible.

LOL.. this is actually fun. And I just NOW got the connection. It's Fat Secret. Most of us want to lose weight aka lose a few pounds. So Fat Secret treats profanity like fat. We all want to lose fat so if we use profanity they give us pound signs back. OMG... the clouds just parted. That's pounding brilliant!

Okay. Enough. You get the idea.

It's just been a couple of days of nonsense. Food is actually 'okay' and I had to laugh about how easy it would be to say 'well, I didn't exceed my RDI yesterday.. it's all good' when nearly half my consumption was chocolate candy.

There are calories, and then, there are calories. Last night was 'those' calories. But the payoff was 1) the sugar put me into a coma and I slept decent and 2) I'm wondering if Ikea pulled a joke w/the chocolate and substituted ex-lax. You do the math. Maybe they should market their 'dark chocolate bar' as a 'cleansing treatment'.

So, I'm going to post this journal and turn the lights off before someone slips in here in the last 15 minutes and adds to the insanity that has been my day.



Hope you're having a good one where ever you are; if any of you are heading out for happy hour - have one for me, will ya?

Thanks,

Bella




23 July 2014

I feel really bloated this morning ~ probably because I took in a LOT of water at the auction last night without as much output. And I didn't eat dinner until nearly 11pm. Yep, me, awake, eating, at 11pm. So the schedule-basket-turnover led to only a couple of hours sleep and I'm considering



because I've lost count this morning and still don't feel of this world. I just feel like



The country auction ~ was okay. I spent a whole $6, yep, I'm a wild woman. It was for a pair of shelves I was planning on flipping on their side to make raised planters in my church but later realized they are made of particle board. Just how long would those last in the rain?

But, it was kind of fun (and that's the third time I've used the F word this week) and something to do. I took Blondie with me because she too tends to be in a 'get home from work and veg until it's time to go back the next day' routine. I look forward to cooler weather soon ~ it was at least 90 degrees in there. Whew.

That's about it for now. Maybe something interesting will happen soon that begs sharing with my dear friends. Until then, just remember:



Bella

Other Related Links

Members



FullaBella's weight history


FullaBella's Recent Activity

FullaBella's Own Activity

FullaBella replied to NowIunderstand's post - What would you tell your 16 year old self?.
FullaBella commented on hoosier436's Journal Entry.
FullaBella commented on alexzwk's Journal Entry.
FullaBella commented on eddie1261's Journal Entry.

FullaBella's Buddies

puhpine recorded a Journal Entry.
Deb_N commented on KatiKau's Weigh In.

Other Member Diet Recent Activity

dnofi1 supported Deb_N's Journal Entry.
Zescedric recorded a Weigh In at 166.2 lb.
Redish recorded a Weigh In at 136.2 lb.
Snoopdoggie recorded a Journal Entry.
herrhoff recorded a Weigh In at 197.5 lb.
Taynes13 recorded a Weigh In at 190.0 lb.
VeggiePower recorded a Weigh In at 126.1 lb.
andreabellocchio recorded a Weigh In at 196.0 lb.