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11 July 2014

Wow - I think we all had a tough week or something because every single journal referenced a TGIF. No exception here.

The good news is Mushy and I both slept thru the night, finally. So this is how the 'Non' Walking Dead feel? Hmm.. Feels a little hungover.

If you're wondering, no, I didn't have wine last night. I think this is the lingering effects of a food coma. I think the depleted energy wiped out my resolve and I fell face down into fried chicken, potato logs, potato salad, two cookies and an entire pan (5) grands cinnamon rolls with creme cheese frosting. Yeah. An. Entire. Pan.

The only proud thing I have to report about that is I don't have to restart the clock on my past 'binge & purge' habit. I did the binge but I sat with it. Slept with it. While that doesn't help my weight loss.. at least I feel a little better knowing I'm not giving into my old bad eating disorder habits.

And ironic, as I know that 1550 calories in one setting (pan of rolls) was too much to eat in calories it didn't make my stomach hurt, feel overly full, none of that.

I'll confess... that part.. alarmed me. So much so that I began considering the semantics of this whole thing.

I recall there is post out there about the 'thin me vs fat me' and some people used 'healthy me vs unhealthy me' in their answers and others even wrote 'new me vs old me'.

Thinking about that.. I feel I may be RIGHTONTHEEDGE of breaking thru this phase of my weight loss that has been my downfall over and over again in the past.

So the following is the conversation I had in my head this morning and am now going to work thru in my journal. The questions are rhetorical.. just my exercise process.

New me vs Old me. When does the new me BECOME the OLD me and now I want to do something new, different, etc., and that leads to going in the opposite direction??

Because, I Can't eat LESS..on a good day that is, of course. YES, I have to eat less than I did yesterday, no argument.

I read over and over here about people dropping their caloric intake to less and less to get off that last 10 pounds. I know that won't work for me. History.

Why of all things, of all reasons, did I do that? I can't undo it. All I can do, as one of my lesson's this week instructed, is examine the mistake and learn from it.

WHY am I now thinking the 'old' me was the healthy one and the 'new' me is the one that picks up fried chicken at the grocery deli? Is this how I stretch... LOL... both emotionally AND physically?

Okay, I remember this. Back in the B&P phase of my weight loss.. when I'd get so hungry I'd go OUT in public and EAT like.. a triple cheese burger, fries, a whole pizza, etc., and have people wonder about how I ate that much and was still So THIN ... or at least.. I HOPED that's what they thought... while I slipped off to the bathroom and puked my guts out.. that was my maintenance.

I can't do that again. I don't WANT to do that again. But I wonder if that's what my 'other brain' was testing me last night?

Then again.. I've been HERE too. This part where as the weight came back I'd joke 'I'm bulimic.. I'm just not very good at it...' Sick joke. But eating disorders are a sickness like any other alcoholism, gambling, etc., so I I qualify. And like any other person in recovery, I have earned the right to laugh at myself.

So... spinning the history wheel.. feels like wheel of fortune and I'm clapping 'big breakthru, big breakthru'... where am I going to end up?

Old me? New me? Healthy? Overweight? Happy? Disappointed?

Where will I find my spark?

I will NOT set my eating rules on FEAR of gaining weight... that is definitely a recipe for disaster.

I nearly climbed on the treadmill this morning in punishment for the rolls. 'Well, B... you did the crime, now do the time.' But I am so TRYING to find the JOY in movement, not the obligation of it.

I know, this is long. It's rambling. But I feel I am on the edge of breaking thru my trap, my prison that has held me for four decades. Gain and lose. Binge and purge. Gain and health suffers. Lose and maintain my health. Where's the answer?

I read. Listen. Real people here...journals.. advice. I soak up every ounce of inspiration I can find.

It has to come from me. This is the phase that I am most dangerous. I KNOW THIS.

It's really SAD for me that losing weight has always been so easy. IT's keeping it OFF that I fail.

A dear friend here recently shared an experience wherein someone shared with her that ' there is nothing harder than for a narcissistic woman to age. People who are outwardly beautiful have to work extremely hard not to be a face and a body and nothing more. You have to spend your life learning to be a person and not to use your beauty. It has to become your handicap, your disability, or you will use it like a crutch'.

Ok. Translate beauty to narcissism about weight loss. I've always been able to drop 100lbs w/in a few months. It makes me the center of attention to be such a big loser. But it has become my crutch.

I need to be something more than the woman who lost all that weight. That's my inspiration.

I need to become 'that woman who lost that weight, regained her health, and maintained it thru everything else.'

Weight... can't be my crutch.

Or .. my armor.

I have been struggling in another way this week.. and I am going to stop hiding from it by putting it out here to the universe.

I felt pressure. Pressure from someone who's implying they want intimacy. I'm not ready for it. But I've never been the person to say that. A victim since childhood.... I've never been skilled at saying 'NO MEANS NO'.

I've been indirect. I've been using words like 'honor' and 'integrity'. I've said 'I'm still grieving despite my positive exterior'. Now I just have to say it. Outloud. No means No.

And I'm really pretty freaking angry at being put in that position. Of not being heard. Of having to be so blunt at a time when I prefer to be polite.

So.. the 'new/old' me.. the struggle.. the uneasiness of my body .. .and I had the perfect storm.

STILL.. not one to be dealt with using food. No. Where were the paints? The flowers? Anything but food.

Oh, yeah.. the new me used all those up. The new me became the old me and needed a new go to.

I feel refreshed with this journal. I feel clearer because I do not have a therapist to say these things outloud although sometimes I agree, it would probably help.

And as another dear friend here implied.. I am a nervous person who cherishes the anonymity offered here. I get it out and don't have to see that person who heard all of this .. at the grocery.

Then again, maybe I do. I don't know where all of you are. And maybe I need to remember that.

Once a secret is out.. the pressure is off. Maybe I'll just take out a front page ad in the local paper.. say 'I need HELP' .. and let the chips fall where they may. After all .. all these secrets haven't helped in the past.

The new me. Who will she be today?

Thank you.

10 July 2014

Thursday - late journal as I attempt to keep today's theme consistent: a day late and a dollar short. Not near enough sleep last night. No treadmill this morning. Not enough sales to keep me in manner to which I fantasize living, LOL.

So I've just been head down getting the quarterly taxes done in between my soul sucking clients today. God bless 'em. They all think they're smarter than me and getting away with lying to me. Maybe that's what that Palm Reader meant when she said she see's me working with teenagers. It all makes sense now.

No big deal ~ just weary. I will out the 'open' sign here soon, go pick up some turnip greens to satisfy this three day craving, and try to get to bed early. Maybe Mushy and I will both get the rest we need; poor baby had a bad seizure last night.

Color me lazy today but this person seems to have the right idea on how to use that exercise ball. I've so been meaning to get one based on many journals here. Now, I'm truly inspired.

Have a good 'un.


09 July 2014

So Wednesday, we meet again. The child in me wants to remind you you're nowhere near as cool as Friday and only slightly better than Monday. But the adult in me refrains and acknowledges at the very least you arrive on Massage day. Extra credit. Well played.

Yes, I'm in a ridiculously silly mood today. Punch drunk from lack of sleep. I crawled out of bed this morning aware that I was having pain on my right rib cage and slightly nauseous. So what did I do?

I climbed on the Treadmill, by golly. Yup, Philly, you can breathe easier knowing you get over a mile from me today. I didn't let my subconscious whiny wimpy body talk me out of working on #24 of the exercises mentioned in my journal yesterday. Such a timely 'drawing' from the box for this one.

Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

So while I don't dream of being the Queen of Exercise I did make a commitment to Yo's challenge and consider it a blessing I don't need a thousand miles.

Then again, I may. As I shared with 2MC - this was likely mine from back in the day. Too bad you don't want to go to Law School instead. There's beer and I am platinum level when it comes to endless arguing. I didn't earn the label 'Bella the Bulldog' for nothing. But I suck at math. Ironic too as I held the title of Math Queen for 26 weeks straight in the Second grade. I guess I peaked too early.

Yesterday during the mani-pedi I'm trying to make a weekly ritual for taking care of myself the pedicurist commented 'you must exercise every day'. Now, that was a QUESTION not a command. LOL. She was referring to my very muscular legs. You know that part where they pound on the calves like a massage and all around the room it sounds like 'whap, whap, whap' on the other ladies legs? On mine it sounds like hitting tree trunks. "whump".

But I did think about the inflection of the sentence later. A little more emphasis on 'must' and it could have been the universe talking to me. And the pain this morning was it challenging if I planned to stick to my goals.

I really don't think exercise is my calling. This would be me in a marathon. This and the promise of the TShirt.

Yesterday someone here PM'd me and asked for help deciding what to eat. I probably didn't give the best answer and apologize because if you've known me for very long or managed to last thru a few of my journals you know I try to be mindful and eat what I love but love what I eat. And that doesn't mean subsiding on anything limiting or depriving.

In fact, these cartoons cracked me up ... because it's as if they read my mind. So I'm the last person to try to tell someone exactly how many grams of anything they should try to achieve or restrict.

And with that I mean protein, etc., not the other type of grams. Seriously, between money laundering tips on DK's journal and gram talk here, I'm going to acquire a whole new reading audience at the DEA/FBI and any other alpha soup of folks wondering what I'm up to.

See.. even when I talk law.. there's food involved. Soup anyone?

Totally kidding on the last one. I had a fabulous kitchen sink salad last night. KSS is when I take fresh spinach and add every other delightful thing I can find. Last night included yellow squash, zucchini, tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, onions, pickles, and chicken breast. Fresh apple for bedtime snack.

The one thing I do want to ask my 'treadmill' buddies who may still be here (let me begin by blessing and thanking you for your dedication and patience) is: does your abdomen swell during and after your workouts? Or do I need to concentrate on my breathing?

I know, yesterday I was asking about speed (walking, not the drugs.. back off ) and today swelling. I'm just wondering. Because at the end of a session.. I kind of look like this:

Wrapping up. Thank you for staying through to the end and visiting with me. Thank you even for skipping around. Hope you enjoyed the cartoons ~ they made me laugh at during my sleeplessness.

Especially this one... I decided to hold off on it until I had a couple of cups of coffee under my belt and revisit.

Yeah, it still cracks me up.

Have a great day.


08 July 2014

Well, I tend to anticipate it's going to be an 'interesting' day (and I use that word facetiously) when the caller uses the word 'guesstimation' on the phone before 10am. Yay me; I refrained from asking which language he thought he was speaking.

So, I did 3 miles on the ole treadmill yesterday and again today. Yep, 2 days in a row. Thank goodness 'Suits' has a great cliff hanger at the end of season one; I'm looking forward to walking again tomorrow to begin season two. But I only get to count half that as I am giving the rest to my Corsican twin. That's for you, Philistina.

Healthy food choices resumed upon returning from my weekend adventure. I always wonder when I am out and get that off the grid 'thing' .. for example, this time it was a 'Black Bottomed Cheesecake with Chocolate Chip Icing' dessert ... will that 'thing' be the thing that drags me off the wagon and leaves me sobbing face down in the ditch?

On reflection I'd conclude I consumed a few too many burgers - the low light being the room service one I had at 11pm. I recognize now the 'lure' of that was the onion rings on the side. I coulda ordered a nice cobb salad w/the onion rings. Things to be better mindful of for next time. And I could have had just onion rings. I think that was what was calling to me from across the room the whole time anyway.

Under no uncertain terms am I beating myself up over this (nor may you, LOL!) I am merely working thru exercise #7 of 30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself found by
clicking here shared by one of my dear friends in her recent journal.

I felt so inspired by the list I printed it out, cut and folded each exercise individually and will choose one randomly. Perhaps daily; perhaps less often depending on how much thought I feel I need to give to the exercise.

Today's exercise: Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning. Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again. Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving. Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures. One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.

But this is more than food. I did push myself again to get back on the treadmill 2 days in a row instead of every other. I pushed myself to tell someone 'no'. And I'm pushing myself to figure out something else for the weekend ahead rather than just waking up Saturday feeling restless.

I'm wondering if I'm feeling immortal or have a death wish. One of the activities that intrigued me was trapeze lessons. Then again, the Tour De Chocolate (participants get driven around from one chocolate maker to another, all the samples you can shove in your face) via a bus caught my eye as well. But I ruled that out when they included 'children welcome'. I wasn't thrilled being on the Wine Bus when the folks got drunk and loud; I sure don't want to be trapped in a tin can with sugar junkies.

I'll keep looking. My bliss is out there. I'll find it. Until then, thank you for stopping by and visiting with me.


Weigh-in: 180.0 lb lost so far: 105.0 lb still to go: 0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (10 comments) on diet Make Peace with Myself   steady weight

07 July 2014

My weekend was okay. I pulled on some comfortable clothes and a pair of the ridiculously high heeled sandals I enjoy wearing now that I don’t have to endure Cutty’s comments about them, tossed a change of clothes and ziplock of food for Mushy in my ever ready ‘go bag’ and played a geographical game of ‘spin the bottle’.

With no plan or agenda, I placed 4 bottles of water upright on the floor representing directions and spun the fifth. Then I plugged the farthest town in that direction into my TomTom and off we went.

I need to spend a little more time familiarizing myself with that device this week to find the ‘back road, scenic, no particular time line’ setting. It kept wanting me to get on the major highways and after an hour of ignoring it’s directions it stopped talking to me. I think it was exhausted from stating ‘recalculating route, AGAIN!’ I laughed as the 'turn arrows' increased from one to two and eventually three as if saying 'get a clue you idiot!'

If you’re thinking ‘why bother taking it at all?’ I wanted help in case I got lost. I didn’t want to spend my time on the Texas equivalent of the Daytona 500 whizzing by endless restaurant chains and malls while negotiating multiple lanes of road rage. I’ve driven in NYC, Detroit and LA. Texans are, seriously, more aggressive. I’ve even driven the Jersey turnpike at 5PM and was surprised to see drivers politely waving me on for the merge. In Texas, you’d be road kill.

And now you know why I’ll never be invited to work for the travel bureau.

We stopped at yard sales, trades day, you name it. Short of spray painting “I’m a girl” on her, I give up. Even with the purples ruffles of her new harness people still referred to Mushy as ‘he’. I took great joy in telling everyone it was her birthday. She even jumped in the lap of a stranger at a roadside flea market. I wish I had her nerve. I may take a page from her book. Hmm.

I ate food I haven’t touched in two years … beginning with a cinnamon roll and a kolache for breakfast. I don’t feel I ever ‘over ate’. Even the burger I ordered was a ‘junior’ (kids) burger. The taste without all the quantity. I overdosed on the canned Starbucks Mocha double shots but drank plenty of water in between. And I'd carried apples with me. So it wasn't all junk food.

I listened to two audio books as I drove: “Orange is the New Black” (as I’ve binge watched both seasons on NetFlix and want to know how it ends. I guess I know how it ends, she serves her time and gets a TV show. Yay Piper) and “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hays. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to this book yet each time still reveals a new idea. Maybe it just depends on ‘when’ I’m listening, what I’m open to ‘hearing’.

At times I’d find the directionless, agenda-less meandering a little boring. Breaking the old habit of only being in the car to go to trade shows or hospitals by the quickest route is taking some time. Being able to stop for lack of a timed agenda, making U-turns to ‘check that out’ and just aimlessly marking time is unfamiliar to me. But, it's coming back.

I’d talk that out with Mushy. We did finally go in a direction of a place we knew and stayed there overnight. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great. From that I concluded I needed to stay in exploration rather than revisitation mode for a while.

Yo, I need a conversion on the 75 in 31 please. How many miles do I get for running in the hotel halls with Mushy? She has become addicted to that. I guess it’s the soft padded air conditioned carpet or something. On the cool marble floors of the lobby she flops down her belly portraying a ‘I’m so exhausted you’d think she had me pulling the car’ position. But get her on carpet and you’d better Hang On or pick up the pace.

So yeah, I’m the woman with her ridiculously high heels in one hand, leash in the other, laughing and running barefoot with her ‘fat dog’. I decided to forgo my aggressive defensive reaction to those comments this weekend and skip the lectures choosing to remember the old saying, ‘Never argue with morons, it confuses the onlookers.’

I’d like to see some of those folks run with her. She probably clocks out about 4mph because it takes everything I’ve got to keep up with her. But then again, I’m carrying the shoes.

I did leave her in the suite (despite her protests) and have dinner in a fine restaurant. Alone. I’m getting a little better about that. After a day, well, two days counting the solitude of the holiday, of talking only to myself and Mushy, I had an overwhelming desire to exchange conversation with a person.

I ordered a second vodka rocks glancing around the room wondering if I could work up the courage to approach someone. I did not. I merely sipped and composed my opening line, “I need to talk to a stranger. Do you mind?” But everyone else was paired up in even numbers. So I finished my melt in your mouth filet mignon and sauteed mushrooms and left. Shopped a little in boutiques but no purchases.

Would I have talked to a stranger? Yeah. I was remembering the night about 15 years ago I was in Nashville; the hospital phoned and informed me my Grandmother had finally passed away. She’d been on ‘any day now’ for a month and it seemed she waited until I left the state to finally let go. I’d already made all of the arrangements for her funeral including her clothing for the viewing so everything proceeded and I was back in time for the service.

But that night in the restaurant the singer on the stage performed, “Help Me Make it Through the Night.” That was her favorite song. I ducked my head and fought back tears in public. A man at the table next to me asked if I was okay. We talked for hours. I was only there alone because Cutty was off somewhere else at a ‘no wives allowed event’ with his colleagues.

We walked over to the Gaylord and crashed several events; never lingering long enough at any to get ‘busted’. It was kind of fun. Never exchanged names or anything else beyond a few cheap schwag items lifted off the greeting tables. I got a ball cap for Cutty at one of them. It was just a nice memory and I would have liked to have done it again.

The only drawback to hotels is Mushy is hypersensitive to the sounds of other guests and wakes constantly in alert mode. Translation, we never sleep that well. Even from the bedroom buried far back in the suite, she can hear people as they pass in the halls. I consider that a blessing that she’s such a good watch dog. Maybe I need to stay over several nights in a row to help her settle a bit.

And that’s my adventure. As I was getting ready to leave I did phone Blondie and ask if she wanted to go; no answer. No call all weekend even. I find that strange. She came over and asked ‘where’d you go?’ I responded ‘You don’t go, you don’t get to know.’ That’ll teach her. Or not.

It was probably best she didn’t. I need to spend more time alone and figure out who I am now and what I want. It’s only 5 days until the weekend again.. hmmm…

Thank you for stopping by and visiting with me. Hope you are having a wonderful day in your world.


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