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05 May 2017

Friday - whoopee!!

So here I sit - sipping my vegetable juice drink. No waste (leftover) two days in a row. Today is spinach, beet, pineapple, blueberry and strawberry mixed in with the superfood, chia seed, flax, coconut oil, coconut water and ginger oil, maca, moringa green energy… is that everything? No, there’s one more but for the life of me cannot remember what it is right now.

If that reads with an unbalanced fruit to vegetable ratio - it’s not. The superfood and moringa are each a serving of greens. But I am going to have to find a solution. I realized yesterday (and again this morning although I did increase the fruit quantity) that my first reaction to that ‘taste’ sip on preparation is always ‘well, I guess it’s drinkable’. And that, in my opinion, is not the way I want to start my day - compromising. I know if I do it won’t take long until I skip this altogether.

Which is odd because I crave and enjoy eating fresh vegetables - plain or with little more than lemon juice - but the emulsification of them seems to result in a taste that is always one step above ‘lawn clippings’. (which, by the way, is coming in marvelously despite the ‘weed and feed’ disaster last month).

So I added a third fruit (usually just two) and it’s a little better but still I am choking it down with a ‘well, at least it’s good for me and five more sips and I’ll be done’ approach and I know the shelf life on that attitude. Need a solution. Maybe one more fruit. Something has to make this pleasant.

The massage the other night was great; I even fell asleep during - had not done that in a while. Naturally when I woke I had that hibernating bear reaction: wanted something to eat. So no ‘detox bath ingredient shopping’ nor any Home Chef meal cooking. I picked up an order of Ceviche.

However, in full disclosure, I also picked up an order of steak fries with it because this restaurant has my favorite tartar sauce. I’ve sat and analyzed it a zillion times trying to reproduce it: fail. They won’t give me the recipe but they will sell me a pint of it.

Then I changed the bed linens despite the fact that it will be Monday before the repairman can be here to hopefully fix my washer: it doesn’t want to spin out. Following that I soaked in another hot bath; it’s helping me relax a bit at bedtime.

Another bath soak last night; then a bath for Mushy following her visit to the vet for nails and other things. In retrospect I should have done those in another order but a short shower afterward and we went to bed. Dinner was Barramundi Beurre Blanc with parsnip, potato and Swiss chard hash. Unless it's a childhood suppressed memory this was my first (and hopefully last time) for parsnip. Looks like a potato but sweet. Too confusing.

So the latest in ‘as the stomach turns’: Blindman borrowed money from Psychogal’s family to bail her out. Yeah, you read that right even though I still don’t believe it. There are no words beyond the four letter ones that properly express how much I hate that freaking witch.

Blindman moved to her area to get a better paying job and although he’s almost doubled his take home he’s still broke within 48 hours of payday from helping her with her bills. He refuses to accept he’s being USED and abused. This morning he hinted they needed $3k for lawyers. Hint away kiddo. No WAY I help with that. He’s lived with her five weeks and will soon be $3k+ in debt. Sad.

Tonight I’m going to a Sound Meditation with Yoga Girl. Blurb: An evening of deep relaxation and healing awaits you. A time to stop and let yourself be deeply nourished. Lie down to receive the healing vibrations of the Gong, Tibetan bowls and chimes. (Facilitator) will bring each person into a deep state of relaxation using rhythmic gong meditation (or sound meditation / gong bath), exploring the full range of frequencies from shimmering explosive highs to deep mysterious lows. These mystical characteristics provide a vehicle for quieting and energizing of mind & body in a very unique fashion!

Never been - can’t hurt. Hope my snoring doesn’t bother them. Give me a chance to lay still without Mushy waking me to take her potty and I’m generally asleep.

Yesterday during her visit Yoga Girl commented ‘you’ve lost weight - I told you that would happen with these home cooked meals.’.

I responded in my ever so dry sarcasm “don’t worry, I never really lose weight - I likely just misplaced it for a while. I’m sure I’ll find it again.”

I haven’t found the ‘not for public consumption” tattoo yet. I just explained to her I don’t want everyday to become a discussion of MY WEIGHT especially the ‘how much now’ inquiries as if every single day I am disappointing North America because I didn’t lose another pound.

Just for … self torture I suppose … I glanced back at my December 2013 journals last night (via kindle while soaking in the tub). This was right after Cutty passing and I was being the stoic Widow Bella. I read those journals and thought ‘who the hell was that woman??? What happened to her in the past couple of years as I wallowed in depression and regained the weight I was so confident I’d ‘not’ regain?

But that happened. Can’t relive it - no do-overs. Blondie asked this morning why I allowed a certain ‘person’ to linger in the shop yesterday when it was obvious he wasn’t going to be a customer. I shared with her that often see Cutty’s traits in others and will give them a wide berth just in case he’s come back to visit with me in a different vessel. Hey, they make movies about that stuff all the time. It could happen.

And yes, yes, the palm reader in New Orleans told me I needed to get out more. Meet people. Move on. Yeah yeah yeah… piece of cake. Hey, maybe the second love of my life will be laying next to me at the drum thing tonight. He’ll find something charming about my snoring and invite me out for a little Taster’s Choice Moment.

Hey, they make movies about that stuff too. It could happen. Then again they make movies about weirdo serial killer guys too. Just my luck.

03 May 2017

Wednesday - Massage today; have to leave in half an hour so this should prove to be my shortest journal ever.

I'm still sleep walking because I think it was last night I learned the PsychoGirlfiend (PsychoGal) also had an outstanding warrant for an assault charge.

DeludedGrandson (BlindMan) continues to defend and support her. He explained it as 'she spilled hot coffee on someone' to which I tried to explain 'a spill gets an apology and a dry cleaning bill, not an arrest and assault charge' but he won't listen so I just listen and pray he'll keep me in the loop until he comes to his senses or I lose mine and go make her disappear from his life. I believe in Breaking Bad the euphemism was 'they went to Belize'. I don't think a passport was needed tho'.

I'm not threatening her life - lest you send FBI after me. I'm trying to think of one really good charge that would get her locked up for life. In somewhere far away that he wouldn't follow. There. Stand down.

Food? Didn't get my veggie drink again this morning; running late to open the shop. Will get back on it tomorrow. Trying to decide which of my Home Chef meals to prepare tonight. The box included Barramundi Beurre Blanc with parsnip, potato and Swiss chard hash, Sicilian Herbed Chicken with green beans and tomatoes pizzaiola, and Tamarind-Glazed Pork Medallions with coconut carrots and bok choy. All of these meals are average 500 calories. Not bad as I make two of each meal these days.

I may not cook any though as I still have the Fig glazed pork tenderloin with the broccoli and carrots left; plus that Tuscan Chicken I prepared Sunday. So I have plenty to still eat.

Plus, I'm obsessing over my bath soaks and camping out on Pinterest snagging cool detox bath recipes. So I have a few things to pick up at the store after the massage and will likely head home for another good soak.

I finally did the mustard bath last night; I didn't sweat as expected but I think because I use my spa tub instead of a regular size I need even more than the two packets (double suggested) I used. However, while I didn't get a sweat on I believe I did detox a little because ((( spoiler alert: gross comment ahead!!!))) I had a really bad pimple, boil, something starting somewhere in a place I won't mention and it's shrunk since the bath. Hoping tonight finishes that up... one thing less to write about and gross out the friends I have who visit here with me.

Well, got a phone call and that will finish out my half hour then I'm off to the masseuse.

02 May 2017

Hello Tuesday, if only Saturday were as quick and prompt to appear as you. It’s not that I wish my life away but weekends are the only days I’m able to take a little nap to replace the 6 out of the recommended 8 hours of sleep I don’t get nightly during the week.

I took three spa baths this weekend - at home - to compensate for not going to Hot Springs. Last night I soaked in ‘magnesium chloride flakes’ acquired at Whole Foods Market. I’d driven the 45 minutes to get there (as we don’t have one local) primarily for horseradish root ( hoping for more variety and better quality than what I picked up locally Saturday) and a fairly full basket later walked out with HRadish and more.

I love WFM. If you’ve never been to one I highly recommend you go at least once. It’s so so different that any other store I’ve encountered in terms of friendly staff who actually take you to the product rather than sending the customer on a wild good chase. Of course, it doesn’t have the label ‘Whole Paycheck’ for nothing. Pricy. But I’ll say this… I’ve never been in there and seen people in their pajamas or had to endure a crying baby. WFM doesn’t just feed with good food, they kind of feed my soul…. If you’ve been you’ll understand.

So I finally figured out, as usual, I was ‘doing it wrong’ when it came to using my nutribullet as a juicer. I loved that the finished product included the whole veggie - no wasted pulp. I didn’t love so much that my juice seemed so pulpy and did not look anything like photographs. I finally figured out: 1) I wasn’t processing it long enough and 2) the Bullet has an auto shut off after 60 seconds. Utilizing those two features I was 1) able to put stuff away while it processed and 2) finally have a juice instead of a pulp. Thank you YouTube.

Grace rode to WFM with me - our first ‘together’ since her criticism of me on return from San Antonio. A little stiff. We’ve phoned and emailed but the in person part was a little different. She was on a quest for mustard bath. I picked up a couple of packets to try as she endorsed it so much but she just kept saying ‘it opens your pores’. I guess that’s a cheaper way than sitting in a Sauna. I may try it tonight.

I did my first castor oil treatment Friday. Observation: Messy and Complicated. Results: none noticed just yet. I suppose expecting to wake twenty pound lighter and looking ten years younger was a bit unrealistic. Resetting expectations. Seriously was expecting a reduction in the abdominal swelling and less tactile pain from being touched.

I picked up a food processor this weekend. I’ve never had one. But the older I get the less I want to chop and dice things by hand. Maybe I’m preparing for a toothless future of pureed foods.

I used it to make that ‘banana strawberry ice cream’. I’m convinced people who post these ‘quick and easy’ recipes on the internet with their easy breezy demonstrations are the same folks who photoshop women for magazine covers. The finished product just doesn’t exist in real life; at least not with the instructions received. There is always ‘some’ little step not listed but I eventually figure it out later how they got ‘theirs’ to look that way. That’s when I utter the B word. If you’re gonna post the ‘how to’ post it all…. Stop holding out on us. Meanie. Regardless, take it from me. Where the instructions read ‘let freeze one hour’ they should add ‘and ONLY one hour… so this is a dessert you make for that night unless you want to have to microwave the banana brick for consumption’.

There are times when I wonder if my account here was hacked. I was about to enter “Moringa Morning Energy Shot” into the food database when I noticed a listing under my custom foods: Energy Balls. I have no idea what that is or even recall it much less entering it. Weird.

Apparently veggie juice or some ingredient in it doesn’t hold over very well. I will someday learn to make ‘just enough’ as I couldn’t stand the taste of the leftovers from yesterday. However, my Home Chef meal last night was the Fig Glazed Pork Tenderloin with roasted vegetables (onion, brussels sprouts and carrots) made for a decent lunch of leftovers today. I’ve been reducing consumption bit by bit and am able to get four meals out of the general two meal recipe.

Last night I picked up Mushy’s water dish (to inhibit the two hour potty trips all night) after reading several endorsements of doing so at dog forums. But when she woke me at 11pm for a potty trip then looked so confused and hurt (yes, I humanize my dog) at being unable to find her water I couldn’t go back to sleep. I suppose if I’d trained her this way from a pup it may be easier but to just spring it on her at nearly 9 years old seemed cruel. So plan B was to put down a dish with a small amount of water and ice cubes. Not totally restrict her but stop giving her the large bowl as she’s always had.

But that was at 4am and I had half a bagel with peanut butter hoping a little comfort food would help me go back to sleep. I did, off and on. But still not enough. I’ve read how lack of sleep affects blood sugar and contributes to this abdominal fat. I cannot help but wonder how flat my stomach would be if I got the sleep my body needs. I won’t deny I’ve been watching the clock pretty heavy today.

I reserved a cabin in the Ouachita mountains for Blondie and myself next weekend - a mother’s day slash my birthday combination. I just reserved an ATV for us as well. Here’s praying for decent weather and safe travels.

The Grandson’s girlfriend situation is worse. She was arrested last night when the police were called out on domestic violence between she and her mother (her and her mother?? Grammar, grrr) but not because of the disturbance but rather because of three outstanding warrants for traffic violation. GS still refuses to see her for what she is; I keep telling him ‘Not your Monkey, Not your Circus’ but he won’t face up and call it quits. Pray, pray, praying for him.

28 April 2017

Friday. Am doing my best to hold myself together with all that is circulating around me. Tomorrow will be (would have been) my 28th anniversary with Cutty. Part of me wants to run away to Hot Springs... get a nice soothing mineral bath, pamper, etc. The other part thinks I'd be better off just planting a nice 'something' in my yard.. staying home.. esp after just returning from a trip. I just asked Mushy if she wanted to go on another road trip ~ she actually raised her head and looked interested. We'll see.

Haven't eaten anything today - haven't been hungry. Thirsty, yes. So I guess we'd call this an intermittent fast... I had a large water and will see if I'm still hungry after posting this journal.

I did finish the small chocolate cake last night and had a couple of kiwi later. This after a nice dinner of cedar roasted salmon served with roasted potatoes & onions with steamed green beans. But the cake is gone and with it went my cravings for chocolate.

I have the other half of that Salmon dinner leftover for today and will have that for a late breakfast/lunch later. If I wait long enough it may be my only meal for the day.

If not My other choices for dinner from my Home Chef box this week include Fig-Glazed Pork Tenderloin with carrots, Brussels sprouts and onions on the side OR Chicken in Oregano-Tomato Cream with cherry tomatoes and green beans on the side.

I saw a video somewhere making healthy ice cream using 3 bananas, chopped and frozen, then either peanut butter, chocolate chunks, berries, or vanilla bean (one, not all but .. hey....) and a little vanilla extract and 1/2 cup of water. Mix it all in a food processor then freeze one hour. Healthy soft serve ice cream. Not a bad idea. I may try it. Have to get a food processor first. Wondering if my Nutribullet would do the same thing without having to acquire another appliance. I'm also thinking pineapple would be neat thing to try .. but maybe that's because I've had a whole one in the fridge for a week and need to use it. Or freeze it.

The Grandson came out yesterday for a whole two hours. That witch has him on a curfew and I cannot BELIEVE he is adhering to it. If Blondie had said 'be home by 8:30 ...' well, it would have been a different story. They turned in an application for an apartment yesterday so she's sinking her claws in deeper. I hate her. Literally HATE.

In traditional redneck fashion we bonded a little more by going to the firing range. He's more of the spray & pray type shooter. I'm about aim and accuracy. My left hand is a bit of a wreck because the slide on the 9mm popped back and pinched; then just for old times sake I nearly sliced my left thumb off chopping that onion at dinner. Hadn't done that in a while. Let's hope that's it for 2017.

27 April 2017

Thursday - Sunny! Yesterday was dreary with thunderstorms. I'm sure there was some small connection that my eating preferences were not as they have been the past couple of weeks. I had my veggie juice but discarded it for junk (pork rinds, cheese, cookies) and in the evening I ate some of the dish I'd prepared the night before (Baked Italian Sausage Farfalle with a small slice of garlic toast) but then proceeded to bake a cake and eat half of it. Granted it was one of those small cakes but still... geez. A grapefruit before bed and when I'd been awake from midnight to 4am I had half a raisin bagel with creme cheese because water and waiting wasn't clearing my hunger. Today however I'm back (so far) sipping a fresh veggie juice of beets, carrots, celery with some pineapple and an orange.

I'd make a joke about something happening in the washer/dryer because my pants are loose but I had to acknowledge other than the ability to walk and stand longer as well as take the stairs without running out of breath I'm able to reach around, stand up, and crawl out of bed easier than before. So somewhat reduced in size and increased in stamina. The home cooked fresh meals, the colonic, juice, being mindful of choices, it's working. If I could just get decent sleep I'd be even better. Which reminds me, I need to go order that NeuroSleep.

Okay - done. It may be magic beans but it works. It doesn't knock me out - I can still hear and waken but I'm not as anxious or stressed trying to fall asleep. And with my concern about the mental, physical and emotional safety of my Grandson my sleeplessness and anxiety are thru the roof. This is Blondie's kiddo and she's upset as well. We're both trying to be puppet masters behind the scene trying to break this unholy relationship apart.

I'm trying to find a balance with the juice vs meals. Having the juice for breakfast still leaves me hungry ... well, maybe it would not if I drank it all immediately. I tend to sip on it through the day; I've been sipping it for almost four hours now. But the ... geez, is she a nutritionist, colon specialist, holistic healer... what or how should I refer to her?? I think I'll call her Domino for Dominique but not give the misconception she's controlling me.

Anyway, Domino recommended NOT guzzling the veggie juice - give it time to set in my mouth to let the digestion begin there. So it takes a while. Meanwhile, despite that and water I feel hungry because it's nearly 2pm. Need to find a solution.

And wrapping up - Mr. Discreet came by yesterday to pick up his order. He still brought up taking me somewhere... but for some reason my sedate little shop turned into a 7-11 (one customer after another) and he didn't have time to sit alone with me and get his flirt on. Thank you Cosmic Angel. Uncomfortable situation averted for a while.

Oh... yeah... THAT... that could be why eating went off the rails... worrying about his appointment and how that'd go... oh, yeah.

It's interesting to get this old... so many neurosis, so little time.

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