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I think I finally snapped but I think I snapped in a way that will finally allow me to lose weight so I'm enjoying my new found mental meltdown. Wait melt downs are bad. I immediately think of a nuclear plant and a warning blaring horn and cars all stuck on a bridge because um.. wait. Why are all the cars always stuck on the bridge not going anywhere in these types of movies? I'm pretty sure people would just push whatever is in their way out of their way and continue to flee. Anyways... my melt down is a good melt down.
We have finally reached the stage of I just don't get a flying cow patty. I had written the husband a letter basically saying. Bull poop! And then I sat on it.. rewrote it because that's what I do and gave it to him. I feel better. I feel like I totally validated everything I have gone through. I listed examples, I gave reasons, I backed up my reasons with facts, and I admitted that I think everything he is doing and this new man he claims he is becoming is because he's just afraid of being alone. Which in my heart is exactly what I believe. I feel like I'm looking down at the situation from the 10,000 foot view. This is where the melt down is currently at. I'm totally analyzing him, me, my past, my future, and who I want to be.
The good part about the self reflecting stage of this imploding relationship is I feel totally at peace. I'm not stressed. I'm not upset. I have completely removed myself and put my geek on. There may be pie charts in this journals near future. I'm not stress eating, I'm working out at the gym, I'm putting myself first, I'm currently playing around with the idea of a shrink so I can work on my issues and improve myself. I'm journaling random things that pop into my head and make me seem like I have become a head case.
I've put myself into a time out. I've walked back to my corner and I'm going to work on me and why I seem to always put others before myself to the point that I'm the crazy mom in the middle of the grocery store streaming at the top of her lungs. You've probably seen her. She looks slightly deranged and seems to hate life. I am not the crazy lady in the pop tart aisle. I will not become the crazy lady in the pop tart aisle. I will be happy, healthy, and when I look in a mirror I will want to look. Not just do the quick look, groan and pretend I did not just see that, pretend everything is fine, and leave the house knowing what I look like but silently denying that was me.
Diet Calendar Entries for 17 August 2017:
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595 kcal
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Fat: 33.59g | Prot: 41.57g | Carb: 37.19g.
Breakfast: Coffee, Dunkin' Donuts Extra Extra Coffee Creamer, Atkins Snack Dark Chocolate Almond Coconut Crunch Bar. Lunch: Tyson Foods Crispy Breaded Chicken Tenderloins, Atkins Cafe Caramel Shake. more...
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 Comments
I used to be that crazy Mom, getting upset at the slightest thing and taking my frustration out on others. I'd embarrass my children because of my behavior. Later I realized what I was doing and why. I have apologized to them for it since then. When it started happening with my 2nd DH I realized it was time to escape a bad situation. I was losing myself and I was feeling like I was drowning with no way out. I had to figure out a way for me to survive. Now 10 years later I'm feeling pretty good about me.
17 Aug 17 by member: wholefoodnut
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Now it is time for you to be happy, We are behind you,no matter what you do my FS sister, I think of you every day, and wish you the best.
17 Aug 17 by member: DO N OK
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We're here for you! Even at one's goal weight, there are plenty of ways of looking deranged. And sometimes progress means screaming in the produce section instead of in the snacks aisles. You're gonna get through this!
17 Aug 17 by member: T8U9
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Ditto! We're here for You! I like the way you're thinking. Because of the journey you're on sometimes you just need to put yourself first !
17 Aug 17 by member: Elvrya623
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Wow, DFW, you're moving full steam ahead! GO FOR IT!!
When I'd go off like a screamin'-mee-mee at my husband (*never* in public!), he'd look at me, all "concerned"-like, and say, "Have you taken your medication today?" [GGGRRRRRRR! Good thing I didn't own a gun! No, I just gained 100 pounds. That'll teach 'im, huh?!]
Our family therapist (this was, oh, 1993 or so) said, "Pat, I'm worried about what this is doing to YOU." THAT never occurred to me!
17 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
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Very Very good! I am proud of your refusal to accept a less than happy life! Your kids will survive, he will survive and you will finally THRIVE!
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Getting you healthy will actually end up with everyone else in a better place in the long run as well. Good job Lady! 🙋🏻
17 Aug 17 by member: smprowett
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Let's get this behind you - all that frustration and negativity is just going to de-rail you at this point. Be better than that, be the "you" that you want to be now.
18 Aug 17 by member: From371to184
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18 Aug 17 by member: alhuey
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Don't play around with the idea of a 'shrink'. After all the years of 'emotional neglect' you have described in two major posts it would help you a lot to talk with a professional. You've got a lot going on in your life and we can listen but can't really help you sort through things. Best wishes in your journey finding the person inside. You're in there. It's just been a long time since anyone checked to see where you were. 😔
18 Aug 17 by member: paulanavarette
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You know a relationship is over when you are no longer angry, sad or upset in any way. If you are at peace with your decision it is the right decision.
19 Aug 17 by member: fatoldlady
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