D1srupta's Journal, 20 July 2017

I'm not doing so well at the moment. I wish I had friends or family that I can share my struggles with, that can help me in my time of need, but there are none that I can rely on at this time.

Between the pain, loneliness, and overall distressing situation at work, I am not having much to look forward to in my life.

I want to weight lift but I cannot as I have an issue with my back and shoulder, so I turn to trying to run which turns out I cannot do that either as there is pain that accumulates in my left knee. I want to continue with my degree and improve myself in my career, but I find that my memory is so far from what it once was that I cannot remember basic things. I forget names of people that I have known for years, and struggle to remember simple things like where I put my personal belongings or even names of people I have known for years. I am so self conscious about my performance that my deficiencies are ruining my ability to live happily.

I've tried so hard, but I'm starting to think this is all pointless. There isn't much of a reason to push to better myself if I can never reach the goals that I have for myself.

Diet Calendar Entry for 20 July 2017:
2357 kcal Fat: 192.93g | Prot: 128.98g | Carb: 47.08g.   Lunch: Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese, Hunt's Roasted Garlic Tomato Sauce, Great Value Ground Beef 73/27, Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes. Snacks/Other: Navitas Naturals Organic Raw Cacao Powder, Bulletproof Upgraded MCT Oil, Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard 100% Whey - Double Rich Chocolate, Kerrygold Pure Irish Butter, Kirkland Signature Halved Pecans, Pecan Nuts, Nutiva Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil, Vanilla Extract, Egg Yolk, Egg, Wonderful Roasted & Salted Pistachios in Shells, Marketside Spinach Dip, Great Value Deluxe Mixed Nuts, Kroger Pork Rinds, Armour Original Vienna Sausage (4). more...

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Comments 
Sometimes I focus on my deficiencies too and it makes things look bleak. But, I pause (usually with help from others) and I try to see some of the positives. And, step by step I add more positives and it helps. I hope you can take a couple of steps in that direction 
20 Jul 17 by member: perks54
I hear you. On the plus side, you don't have burdensome friends/family holding you back. (Sorry, that's dark.) For me, trying to be positive just felt invalidating. Physically I'd started strength training, but had to stop to address posture-based muscle group imbalances and weak rotator cuffs. (Small muscles that hold shoulder joint in place.) Progress is really slow, and I've lost the muscle I was already building. I don't have any answers. 
21 Jul 17 by member: T8U9
I have some recent history with the "what's the use" moods? My only experience when I give in to that mood..rather than doing what you have already begun to do by your heart-felt post.. is that I loose my place. I fall out of community. I undo my hard work...and I cower until I finally start over. Now , I will always agree that a "reset" is good but a tenacious mental walk through the mood is better. Do not leave. Do what you can physically can. Accept for now the limitations. Eat Keto. ...and see what tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow have in store for you. Keep your chin up. I'll be thinking of you. My best to you.  
21 Jul 17 by member: Judyrose1997
It's never pointless, I've been in your shoes and have walked the walk !!! Just hang in there and you WILL be successful, You did not put on the weight in a year and you will not take it off in a year, Slow and steady wins the race and like us ALL it is a journey of which you will win !!!!! Keep brave warrior !!!! 
21 Jul 17 by member: DO N OK
Find yourself a good psychiatrist as soon as you can. I felt the same way last year and it helped tremendously. Of course I had different issues, but it helps. 
21 Jul 17 by member: ApacheTiger37
Read "Mind of your Own" by Kelly Brogan. Proper eating can improve mental clarity and a lot of the symptoms you're having tremendously. Also, there is a Time Magazine out right now that is very comprehensive on happiness. Try swimming. 
21 Jul 17 by member: sarita31282
Like ApacheTiger said, seek help. I am a psychiatric nurse practitioner and you are clearly crying for help. Sure these boards are helpful for motivation, but it cannot replace the help of a professional. If medication isn't your thing then PLEASE talk to a licensed therapist/counselor. YOU are worth it!!! 
21 Jul 17 by member: angiegreenenp
I am so sorry you're feeling this way and going through everything you're going through. Some times, it's hard to ask for help. Some times, it feels like even if we did, it wouldn't help. And some times, you don't know who or where to turn to for help. But I have found that you can find help and refuge in the most unlikely places and the most [what seems like] inopportune times. I know how valuable a good hug or a kind gesture at random times actually is. Look up, look around you, and open your mind and heart to the possibilities. You might find help and amazement when you least expect it. Or if you're in dire need of help and motivation or inspiration, SEEK it like everyone else has mentioned. But please, please please, don't ever give up or give in. We're seeing too many people give up on life and "success" nowadays. Please don't. There are so many things to find failure and heartache in; but there are thrice as many things to find joy and wonder in as well. When you're feeling down and out, it's hard to see them. However, you DESERVE to see and feel this, so don't give up and don't assume that no one can help. There is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS someone and/or something out there to help you. Just don't stop believing that.  
21 Jul 17 by member: Emerald17
I went through a long period (and still do sometimes) when the feeling of the world would be a better place without me, and once I realized the symptoms of depression I sought professional care and QUICK!!! Through a combination of wellness thinking which had to be learned and prescription medication(which I have just weaned myself off of) life turned out to be not so bad after all. I mean I lost my wife of 21 years due to mistakes I made, lost my mom and sister but found my daughter and life has been better ever since. I still go to a therapy session and it helps too. YOU are a special person with lots to share with others. Just take a few to ...well smell the roses. Life really is grand and you can make it through whatever is going on, medically or personally.. I promise!! If you can't do it on your own please seek help from a professional. IT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE!! Enough of my pontificating. 
21 Jul 17 by member: peter melious
There is so much good advice here but I want to add a little more. Have you looked into crossfit? Variety, community, and coaches that will work with you and your body to find movements that challenge you without aggravating injuries. It can be a little on the expensive side but what is it costing you to eat out and drown your sorrows in food? Give it a shot. ❤️ 
21 Jul 17 by member: rissymur
Im going thru a lot too right now at the moment, divorce, job loss/new job, car broke down, dad is dying, ect ect... and my first instinct was to come back to this site after being off and on for a few months.. bc of the support that is always available. Have you tried/ considered yoga? It did wonders for me when my lower back went out and got me on track again.. or just walking.. I walked for years before I picked it up a bit. What ever you decide, dont give up on yourself..  
21 Jul 17 by member: redgirl1974
I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. You have gotten a lot of insightful comments already. I would like to add that you should not give up on exercise. Perhaps walking or yoga would be better suited to your needs. If you have a lot of pain, some gentler movements might help more. I know that I feel better when I get regular exercise.  
21 Jul 17 by member: izzypup68

     
 

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