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Journal Post Attempt #2. The condensed version. I don't know how to explain what's going on other than say I'm in a funk. It could be an exhausted funk or it could be a kinda depressed funk or it could be an I've hit the wall and I look like a squished bug on a windshield kinda funk. I'm in too much of a funk to figure it out. Eating sucks. Working out isn't in existance. And I don't know.. I just feel isolated and worn out. Stress the past few weeks has been at an all time high thanks to renters, insane contractor.. which I just found out is currently out on bail after he threatened me.. yay, and husband/farm so hey we're going to spend $150,000 this month.. you ok with that? Welcome to farm life. Nothing is cheap. Oh and preteen and the 5th grade graduation drama. Who knews shoes could cause so much stress! Shoe's usually help with stress. Turns out 5th grade graduation shoes.. cause stress. Gah! So far I have bought shoes, returned shoes, ordered shoes online, and now.. I'm threatening to bury her in the shoes that were ordered online. Thank goodness the dress is done. I hope.. I really really hope. If the shoes alter the dress decision.. she's going to graduation in a grain sack barefoot.
All this seems to be reminding me that I left my family and close friends 5 years ago. I have yet to find that same closeness around here. Sure I have friends.. but no one to go shoe shopping with or talk face to face with.. Or heck grab a coffee with. They are either busy, don't understand the whole kid thing, are at a different stage in life, or.. I don't know. I'm just not that close to them. Calling a friend on the phone just isn't the same as going to lunch with a friend. Where they could watch me smack my head on the table.... Or tell F bomb stories from little man attempting to not smile. It's isolating. And slightly depressing. And anytime I try to tell my husband he turns the subject to something else that will stress me out even more. Like buying something that costs more than I make in a year. For the love of everything green!
Today has been the first ray of sunshine. Literally.. the sun came out. I'm trying to get eating back in line. So far so good if you ignore the graham cracker I ate before I declared today was the day. I'm going to workout. It may be with a baby strapped to my back and a toddler playing chicken with the elliptical but I will workout. I need some sort of control over something. Right now I'm it. Even if I'm splattered on a wall feelin like bug guts I will have some sort of something.. After I take the preteen to soccer.. and make dinner.. and give the boys baths... and look at 1,000 possible pairs of new shoes for the 5th grade graduation... or see hubbies latest run down on the new truck he wants.. *smacking head*
I need to journal more. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so completely overwhelmed or like bug guts. I feel like bug guts.
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 Comments
You are sooooo not alone.
10 Jun 15 by member: 100goodbye
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I feel for you. Sometimes eating seems like the most comforting thing there is. And sometimes it is. But not always. I wish I could hear your F-bomb stories and hold a pillow under your forehead for you. Sounds like you really just need a great girl's day with friends. I'll have to settle for sending you support through this venue instead. Sorry. :-( SUPPORT! :-)
10 Jun 15 by member: doreendoyle
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Wow, I can sympathize with you. I may not be a farmer, but I have friends that are and know how hard it is for them ALL THE TIME! I am however, a landlord and know what it's like to deal with renters. We are in a similar funk as you. We had a tenant last fall who opened up a whole can of worms for us in having their child tested for lead paint poisoning - saying they got it in our building. We are really hands-on with our rental properties and that apartment was in pristine shape when they moved in (took pictures, thank God, prior to them moving in). Well, to make a long story short, the test came back positive and our whole building has been posted since! We can't prove if the child got the lead poisoning from our building or the last one they were in. If tenants move out, we can't re-rent until the State (I won't mention which State I live in) steps in, arranges for trained-in-lead removal contractors ( who charge about 5x more than a regular contractor!) to come and remove all lead problem areas in the building- at our expense. This has now been going on for almost a year, no one has come to fix the problem and of 5 apartments, we only have two rented because the other 3 (including the ones who initiated the problem) have moved out!
So....I do have an idea about how you're feeling. Nothing wants to go right! But, I'm not letting it define me. I am keeping my head up and know that a year from now, this will seem trivial (maybe!). Good luck and try to keep positive!
10 Jun 15 by member: punkie1959
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Try being a 50 year old lesbian college student mom of a 6 and 7 year olds with disabilities. Not only do I not have peers most people turn and run when they see me coming. Seriously.
Anyhow come journal here when you are getting bugged out. You have lots of friends here you can vent to.
10 Jun 15 by member: nicholaix
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I hope you get over the feeling of "BUG GUTS" not a great feeling. Just remember the little faces that are looking up at you LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. Some times kids don't always show it but they really do love you and when they get older they will express how much love they have for you and that they realized when they were younger all that you did for them and how much they appreciate everything you did and are still doing for them even your husband appreciate's all that you do even if he does not say it often enough. You are a lovely lady and I enjoy reading your post.
10 Jun 15 by member: maryann1262
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Hang in there DF, you can always vent here we all get a little bummed every now and then
10 Jun 15 by member: Rockiesfan
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What is it about dieting that makes us seek comfort in others? I have noticed I have gotten into a few slumps during this journey were I just wanted to talk or vent to someone about the struggles of dieting, exercise, and life in general. Unfortunately, traveling 7 days a week has taken me far away from family and friends. I try to talk to them via texts, phone calls, emails, Facebook...etc. However, many of them are not able to understand my situation or the stage of life I am in. Which if you are already feeling low, this makes you feel even more alone and isolated. Just know there are many people on this site. We all are struggling with our weight and can relate. Some people on here may even be able to relate to other aspects going on in your life right now. Hang in there and don't be afraid to call on those around you.
10 Jun 15 by member: Alltheangelsenvy
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You can do this. Not sure of your schedule, but check out the local community center and see if they have some type of fitness class. You will be amazed at the other people out there like you that want a friend to talk to face to face. Might even try a church, usually there are lots of small churches that you can get connected with. :) Lots of hugs to you. You can do this, take those kids out and make them go for a walk with you. No cell phones other than for an emergency and go explore. :)
10 Jun 15 by member: Linda Israel
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I feel for you. Fifteen years ago I left my career, my home and my family to embark on one of my life's adventures. It wasn't until I had been away for awhile that I realized how isolated I truly was....no girlfriends, no children, no parents, no social life and no real home. There are days when I could just bawl my heart out wanting desperately to connect to anyone. I have come to realize that if I am going to survive in my new life that I must look for my blessings every single day. I may not be going to lunch or shopping at the mall with a friend but I can be a friend to the lady at the post office or the clerk at the grocery store. It might be something as simple as logging onto FS and commenting on others' journal. And yes, I still cry myself to sleep some nights missing my children and grandchild...and "missing" is something that we all must face time to time.
I wish that you lived close by as I would love to be a "grammy" to your children and a comfort to you when you needed just a little TLC. I also do understand farm life. I grew up on one and our work today is agricultural. We manage a flying service in cotton country. I see the struggles that our young farmers face daily. It is a hard life and a very expensive way to make a living. But the independence and joy that comes from doing something so many others can't is amazing.
I agree with all the others that have shared their experiences with raising teens and pre-teens...you will survive and someday you and your daughter will laugh about the 5th grad graduation and the shoe dilemma!
Your husband loves you...he just doesn't understand the needs of a woman to connect with others. He is not alone...there are many more like him out there. I am married to one for sure...he doesn't need anyone so why would I? You got to love them for who they are....
Taking care of yourself is very important. If you don't, know one else will. Try to find a few minutes every day that is just for you. Maybe it is while Little Man is taking his nap...or just a few minutes after milking...find a little spot, where you can go and sit for a few minutes and dwell on what a special life and family you have been given. You will be surprised how much better your world will feel. I know, I had to do it as well. God bless you.....
10 Jun 15 by member: 2227Gwen
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Sorry to hear about your funk, DFW. Try to remember where you've been, and where you want to be. I know from your journal the struggles you have endured - you always manage to find a way to come out on top.Don't let the funk take over. Go back to the office gym and remember how good it felt when you were working out. Connect with your friends in whatever way is possible, even though it is not in person. And always come here for support from caring folks who are often going through the same struggles, or at least something close. Take care.
10 Jun 15 by member: Bethlauren8
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Bless your isolated little heart. You're feeling squeezed, you don't have anyone nearby that you can kvetch to, and you're an unwilling participant in shoe drama. Gad! No wonder you're in a funk! There's nothing to be done but get through it, but I suspect that journaling (on here) helps. Your sense of humor shows, and it's delightful. If you can squeeze in even thirty minutes for yourself - a walk or a workout, a bath, an uninterrupted period with a tawdry novel - that might help as well. Also, it's time to let hubby know that changing the subject when you're trying to vent isn't helpful. What would be helpful? He'll ask, so prepare an answer by asking yourself: what really would help, here? Sounds to me like you need a gal pal's ear to vent to. Maybe a long-distance wail to an old pal? Good luck! This too shall pass!
10 Jun 15 by member: Sister Mary Christine
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I'm just going to list a bunch of things that keep me occupied enough to get through the day, make me feel better, and/or give me stress relief. Poetry, writing lyrics, Pinterest, sports/exercise, tea, take my vitamins, cold shower, guitar/music, gardening, video games, art, reanalyze my situation (problems can be solved and stormy skies will pass), try something new (like walking somewhere new, photography, hiking, meditation, volunteer work, astral projection, juggling), create a to do list to work on during the week, research stuff I have a general interest in like stocks, physics, astrology, numerology, psychology, world history, improve my vocab by reading a dictionary, etc. There's so many things to experience in the wonderful world we live in, and you don't have to be an expert to enjoy or appreciate any of it. Do your best to create new experience, regain a zest for life. It takes a little bit of courage to try new things and the easiest things seem difficult when your in a funk. You need to push yourself a bit more and get yourself out of this funk so you can enjoy everything life has to offer. Schedules, Schmedules just do it like you have on nike shoes! Don't feel like you're trapped with no way out because you'll build a prison for yourself that prevents you from doing things. trust me I know, so break out and get free and have some fun! Be happy you deserve it!
10 Jun 15 by member: SpecialK87
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I too wished I lived closer to you as I would love to hang out with you and help out on the farm. I hope after reading all these comments you will see that you have lots of friends and can come here anytime to get out of your funk!!
11 Jun 15 by member: aggie95
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I've had the same problems here, ever since we moved I feel a bit distant...maybe I'm just missing my usual peeps...((hugs))
11 Jun 15 by member: Socolova
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Ah, I feel what you're going through. Lots of big changes in a pretty small amount of time when you look at the big picture. One stressful moment at a time, it will pass.
11 Jun 15 by member: Annabelle3117
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Lived on a farm my whole life. Farm life calls for a bit of isolation. There are others going through tough things on here so you can relate. This website can help with that. You have supporters on here.
11 Jun 15 by member: cstout30
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I feel a lot like you do...lonely and isolated. Your journal really hit home with me. Crying at my desk...sympathizing with you and having my own pity party. Thank you. I needed to know that I wasn't the only one. Hang in there. You are not alone. Love you dairy farmers wife. I've wished for a long time that we lived closer!
11 Jun 15 by member: BNFineGirl
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