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Today I need to talk about something that I am sure most people don't want to hear. I am struggling with serious body image issues after losing over 160lbs so far. I find myself struggling to look in the mirror...actually avoiding it. I feel hurt, ashamed and angry! The extra skin, the stretch marks and the overall alien-like appearance of the woman staring back at me is maddening. I still have over 70 lbs to go and I find myself feeling worse about myself than I did at 360lbs. I have people saying such nice things like "wow, you are looking amazing" and all I can think is... If they only knew what those clothes were hiding. I feel ashamed to even think this way after God spared me from cancer but it is just real. Stripped down real feelings that hurt. When I see my husband look away from my body or when I attempt to always stay covered in front of him... Simply put I feel less than human. I want to love my body again.. I find myself looking at other women and wishing I looked "normal" like they do. I don't want to have tummy skin that looks like a freaking skirt and covered in surgery scars. I don't want inner thigh skin to flop when I exercise. The more I lose the worse I look. I think this is part of the growth process for me but man o man... My heart is so broken. However, I refuse to give up or in! I guess I just needed to scream these feelings... This seemed safer :)
Diet Calendar Entry for 26 January 2015:
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1184 kcal
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Fat: 91.96g | Prot: 75.11g | Carb: 15.11g.
Breakfast: Polly-O Part Skim Mozzarella String Cheese Sticks, Richfood Heavy Whipping Cream, Coffee, Coffee. Lunch: Mountain Dew Diet Mountain Dew (Can), Wendy's Baconator Double (No Bun). Dinner: Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, Broccoli, Cauliflower, Mezzetta Bell Pepper Relish, Ground Turkey (Cooked). more...
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 Comments
When people can be this honest and this courageous in a public post, it bodes well for their continuing journey to better health.(In spite of the pain expressed) I (and all of us) so much affirm you and your statement: "I refuse to give up or in!". We admire your courage and determination.
26 Jan 15 by member: SuccessThisTime58
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Talk to your family doctor and tell him you need help having skin removal surgery
26 Jan 15 by member: barlow900
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How fast did you lose? Skin takes time to snap back. but as for covering in front of your husband, I am so with you on that. I can't give you any advice there. My way of dealing is pretty clothes. covers and makes me feel pretty.
26 Jan 15 by member: barbieq13
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I can't even begin to tell you how impressed I am that you have lost 160lb! Skin does take time to resize and maybe a little help from a Dr would be ideal. On another note... What you focus on, expands. Focus on the fact that you are crazy strong, determined, committed, disciplined, healthy and gorgeous. A role model for so many! You will get past the body issues. I think we all have them... Our bodies might be different but our insecurities are the same and they take more time to heal than the physical. :-)
26 Jan 15 by member: Dallice
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I understand how frustrated you feel. A friend of mine lost a lot of weight. She won't wear short sleeves unless they are elbow length. She quickly gets into my pool because she is embarrassed that the skin hangs on her arms and upper legs. She still has more to lose. Then she will check into surgery to remove the excess skin. She worries about the cost because she's afraid they will call it cosmetic.
I am the heaviest I have been ever! I know to lose 80 or 90 pounds, I will be in the same situation.
For now congratulate yourself on your accomplishments, own the nice things people say, stay strong, the rest will follow. You are not alone!
26 Jan 15 by member: YoYoJodie
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I can't imagine how frustrated you are feeling. I imagine during treatment, you resigned yourself to the fact that the treatment and/or medication caused weight gain coupled with the inability to participate in exercise. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you tell yourself that if you make it, you will snap back. I say this because you strike me as a very strong, determined woman. I also sense that you carry a little guilt about being unhappy at the outcome you are describing because you survived! I don't know if skin will snap back and I imagine surgery to remove it will be expensive. Will health insurance pay for it? Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? Counseling? I sincerely hope that you can feel free to express yourself here and find support...And you find a resolution one day.
26 Jan 15 by member: Horseshu1
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I really admire you for your honesty too, and I'll bet your husband thinks you're absolutely gorgeous, all the more for being a survivor and making such huge healthy changes in your life so that you can hopefully have years more to spend together. And stretch marks are just organic tattoos! ;)
26 Jan 15 by member: Woperchild
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Aww sweetie, ya gotta remember it is a process and you re in the home stretch. Think of how much more healthy you heart is workign without 160lbs. You can get a doctor to refer for all the excess skin removal in the end. KingKeld is a member here who lives in Denmark. He shared his while story about the surgery with us on Fat Secret. He also lost nearly 200 pounds. It was a fantastic transformation for him. YOU can do this...
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Your support to my naked truth post is overwhelming and empowering!!!!! Thank you you all have no idea what it means to me😍
26 Jan 15 by member: Nenniebelle
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I originally lost 167lbs and had no choice but to have the apron removed. My husband only saw the apron after we were together but he has certainly seen the scars. I have never had anyone so supportive and loving. The scars we carry in our minds are so much worse. We will never be as perfect as our minds eye wants us to be. So you need to agree that the minimal scars will be an improvement over the cottage cheese thighs and the skin apron. You are a marvelous person, the work you have done needs to be finished. That apron can cause health problems(as did mine). God Bless and keep up the good work.
26 Jan 15 by member: Alnona
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I wish you could see yourself through other people's eyes. Your picture is absolutely stunning. Have you talked with your husband about how you feel and how he feels? It's a process. You've been through more than most people will in their lives. Be nice to you.
26 Jan 15 by member: Instantcrazy
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You look gorgeous. When the 70 pounds are off, reward yourself with surgery to rid yourself of the excess skin. That will be even more reason never to pick up weight again.
27 Jan 15 by member: Rosamidnight
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Such an honest post! Thank you for that, I'm sure we all have body issues in one form or another, I know I do. You and your body have been through so much, there will still be a healing process to go through. As long as you are eating healthily and giving your body all the nutrients it needs, stay with it. Who knows, at the end of the journey, with exercise (massage?) your skin may catch up with you, give it the chance. In the meantime, buy some pretty underwear, longer line chemises perhaps. You look beautiful in your photo and an inspiration. I'm sure your husband is very proud of you and loves YOU, not just the body that houses you.
27 Jan 15 by member: Glennith
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Thank you for such openness Nenniebelle. You express your raw feelings so well. This is an aspect of weight loss that is not discussed very much - the feelings many of us have about our own body image - not about how we look, but about how we FEEL about how we look - thin, 'normal' or overweight. You sound determined to carry on and so positive on that front. I hope you can find comfort in how well you are doing losing the weight - hopefully becoming healthier - while you adjust to the differences in your body and find solutions to living with your new look.
27 Jan 15 by member: mcnairn
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Thank you for such openness Nenniebelle. You express your raw feelings so well. This is an aspect of weight loss that is not discussed very much - the feelings many of us have about our own body image - not about how we look, but about how we FEEL about how we look - thin, 'normal' or overweight. You sound determined to carry on and so positive on that front. I hope you can find comfort in how well you are doing losing the weight - hopefully becoming healthier - while you adjust to the differences in your body and find solutions to living with your new look.
27 Jan 15 by member: mcnairn
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