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Sunday morning - March 16th. As I spent all of yesterday camped indoors I reflected on ‘how long has it been since I spent the entire day inside in my PJ’s? and after trying to think back beyond six weekends I heard the Wolf Brand Chili voiceover, ‘if you can’t remember, it’s been too long.’
Mushy is feeling better and finally eating. It seems to me, probably because I’m hypersensitive right now, that she is drinking more water than usual. But I’m countering that with ‘it could be the meds causing thirst’ and am relieved she’s returned from ‘listless sadville’ back to ‘alert and tail wagging’. Whew.
ATF is doing better as well. I continue to analyze some of the ways that I’d gone overboard and if this is a repeat I apologize but I feel like I’m returning to square one on being mindful about my eating and therefore the process has to begin back at the first chapter.
I’m extremely proud of myself for catching it this time in this phase of my journey.
Yes, I wrote that. Proud. Of. Myself. Something I rarely put into print. I am going to start accepting rather than deflecting compliments beginning with myself. I REFUSE, do you hear me universe? I REFUSE to acknowledge my accomplishments via tiptoe on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop anymore. As I shared with a dear friend the other day I now choose to imagine that if it does, it’ll give me a pretty pair of strappy sandals.
I believe it is the compulsive personality in me. When I’m eating healthy, I want to eat REALLY healthy and somehow forget ‘less is more’. I was so thrilled last year when I finally watched the documentary ‘Hungry for Change’ and decided to banish the ‘diet food’ with my plan to ‘eat food, real food, good food, just not too much of it.’
Obviously, I forgot that last direction. I was so thrilled with the fridge no longer looking like the bed in ‘It Happened One Night’ with a distinctive line between Cutty’s ‘real food’ and all of my ‘fat free, sugar free, low fat’ labels. This coincided with my weight loss continuing because I was eating more mindfully with portions, a decrease in processed food, absence of junk food and banishing of Fast Food so, of course, in the most illogical of processes that flowed into ‘if a little is okay, a whole lot more is better.’
Whole milk instead of 2%. Real butter. Avocados are good fat? Peanut butter and hummus are okay? Almonds are good for me? Bring ‘em on. Not bad, but again, all things in moderation. My ADD (I’m just too weary to be hyper about anything, LOL) seems to always forget the second part of the instructions.
Protein bars got me last time when I lost 150lbs in my 40’s. Eating them in the first place was completely illogical as I have never been one for exercise or working out. Hold the lecture. Meh, go ahead if you want. Someday an exercise lecture is going to spark me.
But, back then, as my only exercise was bending over backwards and pushing my luck, why did I feel the need for added protein? Because I got caught up in the the whole ‘muscle burns more weight than fat and protein and exercise builds muscle.’ Again, forgot the exercise part.
I’d rationalize ‘well, they’re healthier than a candy bar’ and no argument there. In moderation, Bells. You forgot that part again.
Regardless, back to my being proud of myself. I’m pleased ‘this time’, this part of my journey, I have stopped and reassessed my ‘map’ instead of drifting blindly down the River of Denial until I was too lost in the depression of failed regain to muster the initiative to turn the boat around.
Recording my food renewed the tool of ‘measurement’ for accuracy. I’d slipped there in both directions. I was overestimating volume (counting four oz as eight oz) but underestimating mass (counting four tablespoons as two). In the end it was likely a slight ‘wash’ calorically but nutritionally I can see the imbalance. Two extra tablespoons of peanut butter is not a nutritious swap for four less ounces of chicken.
Taking inventory of my fridge and pantry it struck me odd that the vegetable crisper is traditionally at the bottom; why is that? We all know vegetables should be the focus of any daily intake yet it’s the last drawer we get to on the vertical ladder of ‘I’m hungry, what do I have?’
So I’ll be resolving that with a few extra large pyrex dishes of fresh veggies placed up on the top shelf in plain view. I think I’ll use the crisper drawer for the cherry preserves and other quick and easy but calorically high though nutritionally low fridge items.
I love visiting this site; heck, forget that, I don’t visit, I live here. I’m the ultimate squatter. Your journals, thoughts and experiences inspire me. The prayers, comments, and support, it’s incredible. Yesterday I was inspired reading another dear friend’s journal to paint again. I titled one ‘Pure Joy’ because while painting it (abstract) I was trying to achieve a ‘fleck and splatter’ and had acrylic flying all over my makeshift studio, myself, in my hair and on my clothes. And I laughed. Outloud. For real. It was fun. Pure Joy. Such a wonderful (messy but wonderful) release.
I’d been so caught up in my self hatred the other day I’d completely glossed over acknowledging that my Yoga instructor actually stopped in to visit me. I was pleased with that alone as when I phoned to explain why I was skipping a few weeks she cut me off with ‘I’ll phone you later’ and that was … oh… three weeks ago?
She said she was just out walking but who knows. It was a nice visit and I showed her my home, including my ‘church’ behind the shop.
My home, even more so now with the decorating of the past three months, is the complete opposite of my shop. My shop has the look of a business that began about sixty years ago and has never changed; it gives the customer a feeling of legitimacy ala ‘dang, these folks have been here forever, they must know what they’re doing.’ Kind of like going to a Cracker Barrel but more dust.
Anyway, as Charlotte sat in the living room she looked around and commented, ‘that’s a beautiful painting, where did you get it?’ In my usual ‘surely she can’t be complimenting ‘ME’ self doubt voice I walked over to it and qualified, ‘this one?’ She nodded and I said, “I painted it.”
Her jaw dropped. At that point she stood and looked around the room and noticed more of my art. So we toured the home again as she viewed the rest of my paintings hanging throughout while she repeated, “my gosh, you’re really talented, you’re an artist.”
I didn’t deflect. I thanked her and pointed out my photography as well. She was stunned. So stunned she actually said, “I would have never thought you so talented” and I REFUSE to analyze that with ‘what DID you think about me?’ instead deciding to use that as a reminder to myself to not judge people on the surface. We never know what lies beneath that public person we view.
I may try to photograph and load ‘Pure Joy’ for viewing later. Right now I’m still curled up in the recliner with Mushy and just enjoying my morning. Hope you are as well.
Thank you for stopping by to visit with me.
Bells
Diet Calendar Entries for 16 March 2014:
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1715 kcal
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Fat: 110.22g | Prot: 79.60g | Carb: 103.23g.
Breakfast: Whole Milk, Coffee-Mate Sugar Free Hazelnut Liquid Coffee Creamer, Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil. Lunch: Butter (Salted), Pillsbury Grands! Biscuits - Flaky Layers Honey Butter, Egg, Bacon, Aged Asiago Cheese, Quick Pork Soup. Dinner: Wish-Bone Olive Oil Vinaigrette, Radishes, The Biggest Loser Celery Sticks, Cucumber (with Peel), Tomatoes, Iceberg Lettuce (Includes Crisphead Types). Snacks/Other: Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, Jell-O Sugar Free Black Cherry, Bob's Red Mill Chia Seed. more...
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