FullaBella's Journal, 05 March 2014

Wednesday Morning - March 5th! Up again since 4am but that's okay; we went to bed at 8pm last night and slept quite well. 'All Things Food' were pretty darn good yesterday. I'm recognizing the absence of the PB&J on my bedtime oatmeal is resulting in being hungry earlier in the day. Tuna with pickles mid-morning held me until the last of the chicken vegetable soup and a spinach salad last night. A small serving of oatmeal before bed. I like that snack even without the 'sweets'. It's how I get my flax and chia seed (fiber) in for the day.

One of the things I recognized and honored was how hungry I was running errands in the evening but absent the need to 'stop and grab something, anything' as I would have in the past. Time and experience has shown me I will truly not starve and practice has made it possible to return home, have a bottle of water while I prepare my dinner and make good choices. I constantly use the EWYL 'Big 3' of 'What do I want, have and need?' That last one is a reminder to get some veggies on the plate. Normally I crave them naturally but lately it's taking effort. So thank you #3 for the reminder.

So hold onto your hats... I've planned A TRIP! Not a big one - just a short get away but it's a start. I'm going to ride A TRAIN (Amtrak, never rode one so that's another first) to San Antonio (been there with and without Cutty many times but not in a long time) and stay at a 5 star Hotel (another first) suite with a balcony on the river. Color me excited.

It's in about six weeks and I'll do my best to NOT repeat the daily countdown of 'The Great 48 Hour Escape of 2013' as I did last August. I booked a private car so that Mushy and I can stretch out and snore in solitude. This will be the 'weekend' of our '25th anniversary' and I am going to live it up as much as I can for a woman who goes to bed at 8pm.

I went through that whole 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' debate internally again yesterday but it ended in praying gratitude instead of needless worry. Again, I do believe this is the calm and reward after so many storms. I continue to reach the end of the day with a silly 'well, that was easy ...' feeling and wonder why.

The cycle of grief and relief, rejoice and remorse continues. I miss Cutty, I always will. But I didn't fall in love with that sad, sick, angry man. I fell in love with the 'happy go lucky anything goes hey let's get in the car and drive to Vegas babe you can do anything you set your mind to let's build a house here and bet it all on black' man. And I loved him even more when I knew he needed it the most but it was indeed .... a lot to love.

I think that's one of the bigger nagging feelings I have; lately I feel like some naive Pollyanna just meandering through my days humming something akin to 'Don't Worry... Be Happy'. Maybe it was there all the time but balancing it against Cutty's always waiting not for a shoe but a BOOT to drop it just got lost.

We would constantly reflect we were truly blessed, had a great life, and were very fortunate. He was able to do that. But he had to go thru the 'life is crap, this sucks, that person is going to screw you over, watch out, did you check, have you done, are you sure you sold that right, you talked too long to that customer, you're wasting time, I don't like ...' stuff. It was tiring.

My sales are improving; the BCF's business is not. So it's not seasonal; it's not timing. It's the grace of the universe or just I'm now able to relax and foster good relationships with customers I was unable to do in the past. Without the constant interrogation and criticism I am regaining my confidence and I believe it shows to others.

People are attracted to confidence; I know I am. I like being in the presence of a person who genuinely knows what they're doing. I can hear it on the phone or read it in their writing. It's either there, or it isn't. You can fake it, but only for so long.

I'm happy. Truly happy today. I have a rack of lamb to go roast now so that'll be my brunch, lunch or dinner depending upon when hunger strikes. Hope you're having a wonderful Wednesday in your world too.

PollyAnnaBella