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During the recent 'purging the black leather corporate bags' project I found my old 'Secrets Gratitude Journal'. As I'd used less than 20% of the blank pages and it is, until my FS journals, the only personal thing I've ever written that managed to survive the shredder or delete button it earned a pardon from the usual 'twelve months shelf-life' ritual of discarding unused items.
The other day I decided to use it on my deck in the morning for recording my thoughts, drawing, scribbling reminders and making grocery lists.
This morning I finally turned back to the beginning of the book and tried to decipher my really horrid hen scratch. So far I have discovered or rediscovered a few things:
1) my selective memory absolutely sucks - I can remember buying the book at the airport but not 'when'. I'd estimate it maybe 2007 based on what I'm reading but now wished I'd dated the entries. Why is it I can remember 'that thing' my Great Grandmother said to me when I was only 7 years old but can't remember I used to bake & make candy? (something else someone told me recently and I reacted with a 'huh?') I'm starting to feel like Sybil with the 'lost time' syndrome going on.
2) this depression I experience now isn't new and may be the reason for the poor memory. I've apparently had it a while considering my very first entry in the SGJ contained 'I'm grateful I lived through the night' (which is probably what led to me purchasing the SGJ in the first place). And yes, I remember THAT night and what happened but still can't remember 'when'. Nor can I figure out why that seems important to me (to remember the when).
3) nor is the physical pain I have now new as gratitude's listed day after day include 'I was able to get out of bed and dress and work today' yet I never remember days when I didn't get out of the bed and dress and work. I cannot recall that ever being an option.
4) more memory lapses: I listed several gratitude's day after day for going to exercise that day . I exercised? Huh? What? Me? Where? When? What did I do? Where was I? I'm going to keep reading to determine if I really did something physical or if 'exercise' was a metaphor for some other ritual because 'exercise' has always been a foreign elusive activity for me.
5) some of my gratitude's were a bit backhanded and negatively sarcastic so no wonder things didn't get better - in fact - from what I've read so far - things grew much worse which is probably why I stopped recording into the book. My reflection on that this morning was I probably didn't give it long enough. Everything takes time. Give time the time.
Point? I don't know. This is just what's going through my mind today. Perhaps the point is I'm glad the FS is here to keep my thoughts dated and printed legible for future examination if I chose to do so. I'm glad something survived my OCD cleaning ritual and is around to give me a glimpse at myself. Again, I don't know why.
I'm taking the 'look back' in small doses akin to pulling a band aid off slowly. I'm not sure what that inner defense is that makes me want to just rip out those pages and shred them with a 'that was the past... let it go' reaction.
But as so many of you have complimented my writing style I can't help but wonder what else I'd written but blindly discarded that could have been shared and helped someone, maybe even help me. There have been many times when some country song hit me at my very core and made me wonder if the hotel bartender retrieved that wadded up cocktail napkins containing my latest 'Southern Comfort' tear jerker.
Thank you for reading - hope you're having a great day.
Bella
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 Comments
Gratitude is a powerful force. I've been told that it can change a day (mine or someone else's) when expressed. And I've learned that gratitude is more than an attitude. For me, when I adopt an attitude of gratitude I can quickly slip off the last part and just have an attitude. So, some friends practice the attitude of gratitude by literally being grateful for every little thing they are capable of doing on a given day (maybe the genesis of some of the items on your list?). As for me, I'm not always grateful for being able to get out of bed and get in to work....but maybe if I were so depressed that that were a major milestone, then I'd be grateful. Regardless, I sincerely hope you continue to write and read what you've written - and allow others to comment on it because what you have to say is VALUABLE! Thanks, Bella, for sharing this with us. Hugzz - Ce
27 Aug 13 by member: Sweet Ce
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It's funny how our memories work. I always felt I had a pretty good memory of my past. That is until one of my good friends, from way back when, started reminiscing about some of the crazy things we used to do. She said something like "remember when we...." and I swear I was staring at her like she was from Mars. If my life had depended on my remembering the things she brought up, well, I wouldn't be here typing this response. I'd be six feet under! And it wasn't until I had a chance to absorb this "new" information for a few minutes that some rusty old vault in my brain creaked open ever so slowly and revealed that, yes, there was some vague memory of my having been there, done that. So, what I'm saying is that I totally identify with your inability to recognize yourself in your SGJ entries. And, like you, I always assumed that selective memory and the ability to block things out was something for the crazies with multiple personalities, locked up in the rubber rooms - certainly not something that "normal" me could do. Very strange stuff, these brains. Makes me remember one of my favorite philosophical quotes: "If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't" - Emerson M. Pugh.
27 Aug 13 by member: evelyn64
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My day is better - ewww I'm afraid to read my old 10% completed journal. Maybe I will tonight. Okay maybe not. xxxxx You get just kisses and no hugs.
27 Aug 13 by member: Neptunebch
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Memories..wow that takes me back...your book reminded me of my scrap book for when we first got our used motor home..I took pics and dated the day we got it home and each time we went to a different camp site..I would take a pick out the front and kept all the camp site maps ets..it made me remember it all..and then when we stayed in the rv over the weekend..it had been 3 years since we did that..it was like it was new again...Hugs..:O)
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Another thing in common, my Angel, as I have few memories also. The other strange thing is that of those things I can remember, some are to the exact detail. And with age, what few memories I have are fading fast. Good reason to make new ones, I guess?!?
27 Aug 13 by member: Ruhu
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You are not alone Bella. I have a horrid memory, and I too attribute it to depression, and to the pills I took for said depression. I found a diary recently which I really should through out, wouldn't want my kid to read it, but it was quite enlightening and like you I thought "really, I did that, I thought that, really....?" A lot of us these days have memory issues. Is it what we eat? Are our lives to full our brains can't keep up? I have only one daughter and I can't remember much of her childhood. Sure there are 'moments' but they are very, very few. I can remember snatches of childhood, unfortunately mostly the 'bad' stuff. It really sucks. My poor memory is one of the things that makes me think I will have dementia like my sister. My mother had it, my grandmother had it. I don't think there is much hope for me in that regard. And it totally sucks that there really isn't anything one can do about it. My doc told me recently that the only things that would help are - keep your weight in check, keep your cholesterol in check, don't smoke and don't drink. Well I don't smoke, I'm trying to lose weight, cholesterol - I have no idea. Drink - yep, like I'm gonna give THAT up. Dementia - here I come :)
28 Aug 13 by member: sarahsmum
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Definitely you're not alone. Memories are odd things. I, personally, think that we only have so much room for thoughts and memories and 'choose' which ones to keep. When I joined FB, i was contacted by a number of grade school friends. They posted photos of us in school and while faces were familiar, I had no names to match them. I would have told you, had you asked, that I remembered little to nothing of my childhood. Then people started telling stories and it all came flooding back. I think it happens to all of us. Also, I used to care for my ex's mother who had Alzheimer's. Once, she fell from her bed at night, and hit her head on the metal feet. A massive bump occurred and I called the ambulance straightaway. She was undaunted, except by my tears which made her nuts. No recollection whatsoever about the fall, no pain, just sheer irritation at my tears. The worst of her 14 children were remembered only for their goodness, as was their father, her wayward husband. Watching how she processed memories blew my mind. She clearly 'selected' better memories, even down to physical pain. And she never remembered my name, but she'd refer to me as her 'life'. "Give it to my "life" she'd say and point to me. Odd thing, brains and memories.
28 Aug 13 by member: Helewis
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Thanks everyone. As so many of you confirmed 'you're not alone' then you'll understand I couldn't get Barbra Streisand out of my head reading your comments, LOL. Memories... light the corners of my mind... I believe gratitude can be powerful; just as I believe I can influence my day. OR .. as I told a person who recently called me 'PollyAnna' ... "I chose to believe all is going to go well and just ride out the surprises; makes it easier.' One thing I HAVE realized after a while with this FS journal is it helps me recognize the good things too. Somewhere in between the SGJ and here I WOULD write whenever I was frustrated ((and those are the ones that hit the delete bucket)) just to get it out of my head but I NEVER wrote when I wasn't frustrated. That's why I try to come here every day to record WHATEVER is going on in my head, food and weight related or not, just to have a record of 'I thought about this and acknowledged THAT on this day' instead of the only evidence of my existence being a ranting venting book of rage. So it was helpful to read the memory lapse isn't just me. It's like 'how do people remember what *I*... a relatively smart cookie... have forgotten? Because I have often wondered if I have some Sybil thing going on and I'll confess here, it's part of why I never tried to have children of my own. I feel better... because we've already all agreed to get a group rate at the laughing academy, right? Whenever someone gives me grief these days IRL for not remembering them I just say 'apparently whatever you did wasn't that bad ... clean slate.. okay?' I just can't ever remember exercising at all much less writing a gratitude about it. But I'm told I made candy. Baked. Sewed. Where'd I go? Am I coming back now? Crazy Bella :-)
28 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella
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