FullaBella's Journal, 26 August 2013

So today begins day one of the second year of this 'journey'. It's 1pm as I start this journal so 13 hours and 364 days to go toward another year of 'getting better' under my belt rather than my waistband over it. So far so good :-) Y'all stick with me now, okay?

Yesterday I went to a "Women's Expo" with my IRL friend only color me surprised because I hadn't read the fine print. I only saw the big pink headline that read '85% of all retail purchases are made or influenced by women' so I thought it was going to be a day of research, opinions, making a difference, women in business type shindig.

Wrong, oh so wrong.

I still had a great time but it was like going to a women's 'fair' or as I explained to DH 'it's like a gun show for gals'. I couldn't help but notice the exhibitors seemed really intent on preying on the vanity of women and making them feel insecure about themselves in ways that could only be saved and cured by buying their products.

In fact, I told my friend 'one more of these carnival barkers tries to spackle wrinkle eliminating cream on my face and someone's going to draw back a nub!'

Of course, at the expo they didn't call them wrinkles... they called them 'expression lines.' And one of the carnies tried to 'help' me by telling me I shouldn't smile so big.. it was creating too many lines.

Bite me wrinkle cream lady. With my life, if it makes me smile... I'm going for it. Expressions of happiness are too treasured to ignore with a face frozen out of fear of wrinkling!

There were a few 'non-fluff' vendors... loved the Lincoln Navigator with the tricked out back seats including a mini-bar. I could so see myself becoming the next Ms. Daisy to be chauffeured. Nice fantasy. Sigh.

I suppose, other than my age as evidenced by all of my expression lines, the other reason I was less susceptible to their shenanigans was because I'd already had a moment of clarity that morning as I dressed to go.

I was in my bathroom TRYING to put on make up, emphasis on the 'trying' because I so seldom wear make up I'm like Sandra Bullock in Congeniality: "which one of these is the blush?"

Which makes me wonder... do you think the 'Goth' look originated when someone confused the mascara with lipstick and just decided to go for it? Just a thought, you know.

Anyway, I was using a hand mirror and occasionally looking up at the vanity mirror to make sure I didn't look 'too' clown-like up close or from a far and had two thoughts:
1) My bathroom is a virtual carnival funhouse
2) I'm like an abstract painting - probably viewed best from 3 feet away with the correct lighting emphasis. Now all I need is an electric perimeter fence.

My reflection in the handheld mirror looked at least 10-15 lbs thinner than in the vanity. I'm sure someone smart could explain how mirrors are made and it all depends on the angle of the mirror shaping affects the reflection.

It doesn't matter though because it's more than just angles; it's lighting and position. And as I continued to try to apply mascara to my lashes only I reflected on the lighting with art and the same light within ourselves. Little metaphors like 'glow of happiness' or 'dark storm of anger' and how that plays across my face despite my intentions.

Point is, was, much like I often 'think' I look 'one way' but then a photo is taken of me and I think 'that's what I look like... ugh!' And that led to many years of never having my photo taken even when thin. Also probably why hundreds of photo's are taken of 'cover girls' when only ONE actually makes it to print. We all have our own fun house going on.

So it's really interesting to think about what others view when they look at me ... what do they see... what do I want them to see? Life is the World Series of Poker and I need to either stack the deck or learn to bluff better.

Enough metaphors. Point is - with all those thoughts already under my belt the carnies didn't stand a chance with me yesterday.

Hope y'all are having a great day.



I love reading your journals. I love the way you look a life and try to make the best of everything. I have been thinking of journaling but seem to have trouble putting my feelings in words. Sometimes I'll read a journal on this site and think, "ya, that's how I feel" and it makes me happy to know I'm not alone. Thanks for making me smile with your humor and insight. 
26 Aug 13 by member: SJacqueline
Life is all about perception. How we see our world, our lives, ourselves is all filtered through our preconceived notions, our personal experiences, even our mood du jour. The mirror reflects not so much how we look, but how we feel. I always look thinner, prettier, more stylish when I'm in a good mood. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. How I wish there was a mirror that could force us to see ourselves without all of the filters!  
26 Aug 13 by member: evelyn64
I love walking past booths and tents with barkers while I'm just smiling and walking past without responding. I do stop in to appreciate what artists have worked on so hard - even if I don't buy I want to let them know I appreciate what they are doing to add some creativity to the world. I hate shopping these days like when I was in Nordstrom last week buying my DIL a shirt that would work for nursing. While I was wondering out loud what temporary size this precious tiny DIL would wear during this time in her life and looking at a blouse the sales clerk actually said (I swear) "the large would be perfect for her". She is a size zero and lives in Tampa. How the ef would she know in Chicago what size would be perfect for a stranger. Give me a break woman. :( 
26 Aug 13 by member: Neptunebch
Great points, Bella. I have found that I look at myself very critically so of course I have tended to not see the spark of beauty, mischief and playfulness that others find so beguiling in me. With my critical perception of myself, it's no wonder that for lo these 40 years I've also been skeptical that anyone else might find me attractive - "they're just blowin' smoke," I’d say. But now I try to give myself one of those sweet little “hey I know something you don’t know” smiles before I walk away from the mirror… gives me a confidence boost and a little something to laugh about as I walk out the door. And then I really am attractive. Try it! Be the little mischievous Bella who is going to tell you the joke of a lifetime…then you’ll see what beauty is in Bella! 
26 Aug 13 by member: Sweet Ce
And - for Neptunebch - I TOTALLY agree - how would she know? ARGHHH 
26 Aug 13 by member: Sweet Ce
Well I for one have earned my expression lines....that women has no idea what she is talking about..I used to worry about all kinds of things like you mentioned..but at my age..I really don't worry as much...sure I like to look my best..but not for any one but me..and if I feel good about me..then the rest can go fly a kite...I love your attitude..it really suits you..stay the way you are..Love and Hugs..:O) 
26 Aug 13 by member: BHA
Bella, your journal today made me smile - you have a great way with words, I am sure I have told you that before. I was surprised at your naivete - is that how you spell it or say it - that you thought a woman's show wouldn't be so much 'fluff' but I am from a big city and I know these things are just to push products on us that we don't need. Now you know too :). And I can't believe someone told you not to smile so much - I know what I would have replied and I can't type it here because FS would censor me, probably make me leave the site :) You go for it girl, if something makes you happy, grin til your sides split. Wrinkles, expression lines, whatever - we have EARNED them, every last one of them. And welcome to year II of the new you :) 
27 Aug 13 by member: sarahsmum
SJac - thank you. I truly enjoy the journaling - something about sweeping the thoughts out of my head leaves room for new (and better ones). Something like the reason we are encouraged to drink a lot of water so the empty cells don't fill with fat.  
27 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella
Evelyn - nodding to your comment - I'm getting better at it but I think for me that came with age and the realization that I am getting older, there's no turning back short of miracle surgery, so I may as well just accept what I am and love it and stop wasting the time I do have left to walk the earth. 
27 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella
Susan - there were indeed some artistic sites - inlaid art, postcard type canvas and I did indeed enjoy those and as I write this response probably because they weren't so pushy or calling to me from their booth; they were just sitting quietly creating more art to be enjoyed. Your comment about the Nordstrom's idiot reinforced my oft voiced opinion - there are people working in sales that shouldn't be working in sales; they lack the finesse to engage the customer. 
27 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella
Ce - more nodding - years ago I read that a sales technique (which sort of coincides with what I wrote above to Susan) is that if you DO compliment a person, you MUST make that compliment something they already think and agree or you create more negativity than good. So, with the same negativity that I held for myself, ANYONE who said things like 'How can I help you Beautiful' or 'What's a hot gal like you doing sitting here drinking all alone' was not to be trusted. YET, if they said 'you look like a woman who knows what they're doing' OR 'you look too smart to be wasting your time at this meat market of a bar' ... I was in like Flynn. That didn't make them more trust worthy, just more capable of pushing the right button. I practiced my mischievous Bella grin this morning ... it's going to take time ... but I may get there.  
27 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella
Bren - I seem to be echoing the same sentiment in all of my responses but it's clear too many people have no clue how to behave in sales. The wrinkle cream lady 'first' commented 'I can tell you're a woman who takes care of her skin... let me show you something you're gonna love' but I'm the worlds WORST for a 'regime' - I told her 'unless that little bottle is capable of opening the top and slathering itself on my face routinely, it's worthless to me.. I already have enough stuff at home to not only erase my wrinkles.. it'd probably erase my memory.' Pffft. I am what I am. Thank goodness DH doesn't feel he needs a trophy wife.  
27 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella
Isabel - always happy to read I made you smile. Yeah, I'm a dunce. But not as big a dunce as someone telling me not to smile so much. Thanks for stopping by hon. 
27 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella
You are NOT a dunce - at all - and I did not mean to imply that - simply I was surprised that you didn't realize it was a 'sales pitch' fest. Didn't want you to think I would ever think you were anything other than the smart, talented sweetheart that you are :) 
27 Aug 13 by member: sarahsmum
Isabel -sweetie - no worries - I didn't think anything of what you said at all. I think I connected the phrase 'Duh Me' about six times the other day over something else before it ran together and I laughed at 'Duh Me... Dummy'. You're very kind to come back and answer though.  
27 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella
Thanks for this perception journal, Bella. I'm right with you. Another year of getting better for us "girls"! 
28 Aug 13 by member: Helewis


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