FullaBella's Journal, 26 August 2013

So today begins day one of the second year of this 'journey'. It's 1pm as I start this journal so 13 hours and 364 days to go toward another year of 'getting better' under my belt rather than my waistband over it. So far so good :-) Y'all stick with me now, okay?

Yesterday I went to a "Women's Expo" with my IRL friend only color me surprised because I hadn't read the fine print. I only saw the big pink headline that read '85% of all retail purchases are made or influenced by women' so I thought it was going to be a day of research, opinions, making a difference, women in business type shindig.

Wrong, oh so wrong.

I still had a great time but it was like going to a women's 'fair' or as I explained to DH 'it's like a gun show for gals'. I couldn't help but notice the exhibitors seemed really intent on preying on the vanity of women and making them feel insecure about themselves in ways that could only be saved and cured by buying their products.

In fact, I told my friend 'one more of these carnival barkers tries to spackle wrinkle eliminating cream on my face and someone's going to draw back a nub!'

Of course, at the expo they didn't call them wrinkles... they called them 'expression lines.' And one of the carnies tried to 'help' me by telling me I shouldn't smile so big.. it was creating too many lines.

Bite me wrinkle cream lady. With my life, if it makes me smile... I'm going for it. Expressions of happiness are too treasured to ignore with a face frozen out of fear of wrinkling!

There were a few 'non-fluff' vendors... loved the Lincoln Navigator with the tricked out back seats including a mini-bar. I could so see myself becoming the next Ms. Daisy to be chauffeured. Nice fantasy. Sigh.

I suppose, other than my age as evidenced by all of my expression lines, the other reason I was less susceptible to their shenanigans was because I'd already had a moment of clarity that morning as I dressed to go.

I was in my bathroom TRYING to put on make up, emphasis on the 'trying' because I so seldom wear make up I'm like Sandra Bullock in Congeniality: "which one of these is the blush?"

Which makes me wonder... do you think the 'Goth' look originated when someone confused the mascara with lipstick and just decided to go for it? Just a thought, you know.

Anyway, I was using a hand mirror and occasionally looking up at the vanity mirror to make sure I didn't look 'too' clown-like up close or from a far and had two thoughts:
1) My bathroom is a virtual carnival funhouse
2) I'm like an abstract painting - probably viewed best from 3 feet away with the correct lighting emphasis. Now all I need is an electric perimeter fence.

My reflection in the handheld mirror looked at least 10-15 lbs thinner than in the vanity. I'm sure someone smart could explain how mirrors are made and it all depends on the angle of the mirror shaping affects the reflection.

It doesn't matter though because it's more than just angles; it's lighting and position. And as I continued to try to apply mascara to my lashes only I reflected on the lighting with art and the same light within ourselves. Little metaphors like 'glow of happiness' or 'dark storm of anger' and how that plays across my face despite my intentions.

Point is, was, much like I often 'think' I look 'one way' but then a photo is taken of me and I think 'that's what I look like... ugh!' And that led to many years of never having my photo taken even when thin. Also probably why hundreds of photo's are taken of 'cover girls' when only ONE actually makes it to print. We all have our own fun house going on.

So it's really interesting to think about what others view when they look at me ... what do they see... what do I want them to see? Life is the World Series of Poker and I need to either stack the deck or learn to bluff better.

Enough metaphors. Point is - with all those thoughts already under my belt the carnies didn't stand a chance with me yesterday.

Hope y'all are having a great day.

Bella